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The Summer I Found Myself
Summary:
We walked up the boardwalk and a few guys were coming down our way. There were three of them and they were our age, maybe a little bit older. When we got ready to pass them one of them stopped smiling and asked “Did it hurt?” I looked at him confused and asked “Did what hurt?”
“When you fell from heaven?” My face blushed immediately and Shelly started laughing so hard that I couldn’t help but join in.
“I’m Ayden, and this Jason and Carson.” The guy with the pickup like said.
Shelly stepped forward and introduced us.
“Where are you headed?” Ayden asked.
“To the restaurant down there.” I replied.
“Well, we were heading up to the beach, maybe we will see you around?” he smiled down at me and I replied “Yea, sure.”
Anonymous
The Summer I Found Myself
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This book has 94 comments.
This is interesting.....I'm not sure I'm a fan of the abusive use of alcohol or drugs though...I mean, I get the message, but ...yeah....hahaha,
Hmm.
I've read the first chapter so far, and here are my thoughts:
The outcast MC. Eh. I'm sorry, it's a little bit overdone. The MC that 'doesn't care about their appearance' and all that, they're 'not cool' and 'don't fit in' then they decide to be pretty and V.O.I.L.A guys like them.
I've just seen too much of that.
Telling not showing. This is a problem. A big rule of writing is 'show, don't tell'. Don't TELL us her looks, and Shelby's looks, show us in context, don't just randomly insert it.
Be careful of plain word usage and repetition of words. If we see the same words, such as 'cute' and the like, it'll seem very i.m.m.a.t.u.r.e/c.h.i.l.d.i.s.h. Vary your word usage, and perhaps use the thesaurus s.i.t.e to find better, more mature words.
Make sure your dialogue tags are fitting, and that your dialogue punctuation is appropriate. Most of the dialogue in just the first chapter is improperly punctuated. As for the tags--just an example, but 'she scorned'? It doesn't fit. The way it's punctuated, it would be better as 'she scowled'.
Tense changing. You change tense several times in this passage. Sometimes present can be used in thoughts, but the places where it changes here aren't thoughts. It seems the dominant one is past, so keep it all past. No 'is's, like in the second paragraph.
Overall: I know I sound harsh, but I'm only trying to help your writing improve. It's certainly not bad writing--far from it. I'd say this has a good amount of potential, just iron out the things I mentioned, and grammar in general.
Good luck, and keep writing.
I can see a lot of potential into this story. The plot is intriguing, but the characters aren't as developed. Bounce back their words in your head and think: Would they actually be saying this? The grammar and punctuation is a bit distracting here as well.
Overall, great story. I liked it a lot. Beautiful(:
this is really good! you really captured me into the story by the first chapter. the only suggestion i have to make is to watch out for little punctuation errors. they can really throw off the reader!
check out my novel on here, too if you'd like like! keep writing!
i think it just kind of ends
but other than that its not bad