“Hello you ugly, miserable creature, fat pig. Shut your mouth. Your teachers pretend to like you. You’re worthless ew… just be quiet.” 

    This is what a typical conversation with myself in the mirror would sound like a few months ago when the negative drunk monkey would be on speaker phone in my mind. I strongly advise you not to start your day like this. It is negative energy and will cause damage to you; whether you are battling it mentally or physically, fight back the demon inside of you. Do not let that monster affect you and your loved ones. You want to put that voice on permanent mute!

    I am a Jersey girl I always have been and always will be. I would not change it for the world. I earn competitive grades, I am responsible, and have a family who loves me, some are blood-related and others are family by choice. I moved to Florida in the Summer of 2014. Then I moved back to New Jersey in the Summer of 2016. I never would have imagined my life back in New Jersey if I moved from one place to another in Florida. You would think as a little girl starting second grade you would stay in a nice big house forever and never go back to your old creepy school with almost 40 kids per classroom, once you’ve had a nice little life in the Sunshine state. When I moved back I basically had to start fresh at school because I was behind. Fast forward to 2017 my mom put me in a summer camp at the Boys and Girls club of Newark, Ironbound that is where I reconnected with my friends from my old school. I told my mom about this and one day when she picked me up from summer camp with a letter in her hand that states I can go to school on Wilson Avenue for fifth grade! (Wilson Avenue is the name of my old school.) 

    To this day I remember the first day of fifth grade. My teacher comes up to me and says:

    “Alright Gabriella you will sit here with Sebastain and Juanangel.”

    Here I go next to Sebastian, the tall gluten free boy with dirty blonde hair and Juanangel, a very short kid with black hair who for some reason always had a pair of scissors in his hands. These two best friends are hispanic. As I walked over to the table, I was drenched in sweat because; I was nervous and on top of that I was wearing knee high navy blue socks that matched my uniform on a scorching summer day. But this nervous feeling did not last so long. Sebastian, Juanangel and I were the three musketeers in first grade!  

    “Seba do you think that is Gaby?” Said Juanangel to Sebastian

     “I am not sure why don’t you ask her. It doesn’t hurt to ask.” 

    They asked me and we all started laughing. It was great to reunite with the three musketeers! I also reunited with a few other friends. I was in the same class until I moved again in the middle of sixth grade. These moments made the feeling of old times come back. Sebastian’s mom still works at the school. She would always give me hugs and take pictures of us three. Moving back to New Jersey is truly the best decision my mom has made. 

    My mom is my best friend. There is no other way to put it. She is the reason I wake up every morning and why I am so concerned and competitive with everything. I want to make her feel happy and pleased with me. Afterall, she did raise me all alone. She is a fun and energetic real estate agent with black hair and always has a smile on her face and a positive attitude. You will never see her get out of the house without high heels or high boots and a nice button down shirt paired with a pencil skirt. My mom is very supportive and proud of me whenever I do something that is good for my future or when I face a challenge. 

    We all face obstacles and challenges in our daily lives but these challenges are what make us stronger and unique. My first challenge was winning a pageant for Miss Newark Ironbound. Nobody said it would be easy. In my category there were three other girls. Samantha, she has won pageants since she was a little girl. Deandra, she is great at math. We have been in honors classes together. She and her mom have connections with everyone in Ironbound. Lastly, Vivian, sweet, and talented Vivian. She has the voice of an angel. This is the tough group of girls I had to deal with. So my mom came to me with wise words and told me to listen to her through every step of the way so I don’t lose my second pageant. I did as I was told and this got me to win. Winning that pageant says alot about me even if it is not clear to see. The judges rate you on your talents, (in my case it was writing), opinions about the world and who your role model is, overall your looks,  how well you performed in the pageant with modeling, and dancing. 

    That challenge was a small one but it had a lot of meaning this was just the beginning of a new obstacle I have yet to overcome. When I won the pageant, a few months later I moved out of Newark and started attending school in East Rutherford. I was a brand new student who did not face much but I hung out with the wrong crowd and I became someone I was not. By the end of sixth grade and until seventh grade I had to fight with the demon inside of me. This demon or as my mom likes to call it the “Drunk Monkey”  is what an eating disorder is. This all began when I went to the new middle school and I would feel so insecure, unhappy, and ungrateful. A few of the teachers at school would always ask me.

“Gaby, where is your lunch? Why aren’t you eating anything?” 

I would always reply with “I have an apple in my backpack.” And I would show it to them and not eat it at all. 

The worst part of this disorder is when the demon says. “Good girl, you did it! You went through a whole day without food or water. A few headaches won’t kill you. Just cry it will relieve your pain darling.” 

    A vivid memory of when it got so bad was when it was lunch time at school I would lock myself in a bathroom stall and try to continue my next class with focus but I couldn't. I came into science class all flustered up and the guidance counselor would call me on the intercom to visit her. My teacher would email my mom and tell her about my behavior and how I was not functioning well academically. During quarantine my eating disorders got worse. I used to weigh myself every single day and get frustrated if I lost only two pounds when I should lose five. It was like a competition with a toxic friend in your head saying to you constantly. 

    “Come on!! You gained one and a half pounds more?! You look disgusting, you don’t want to look fat in your new dress. Do you? Of course not. Stop eating you look so weird when you do.”  

    When I was at my lowest point I thought I had lost everything. All I could think about was food being my enemy. This was appalling. Food should not be feared, it should be loved! You need it to give you fuel and energy. Everyone has different body shapes and certain foods respond differently to different bodies. All bodies are equally beautiful. As long as you are healthy and have a good heart, your true beauty shines within. (I have a petite mesomorph) figure. When I mentioned that my mom is my best friend I meant it. She gave me educated advice and told me I could tell her whatever was bothering me.

    “Gaby, baby. Are you feeling okay?” Said my mom with a stern voice and a worried facial expression. 

    “Yes mom, I am fine. Why?” 

    “Gabriella, I know you. You’re my daughter and I was also your age once. Is there anyone bothering you?”

    My mom asked if “someone” was bothering me only to test me. She noticed since the beginning of my dark journey that something was not right. So she bought me a couple books about struggling with bulimia and anorexia and the dangers of it. I could only read half of one book. It was too dark and it traumatized me that I could end up dead or in the hospital. It was not easy snapping me out of my derangement but she managed. There were many emotional ups and downs but no matter what I was facing my mother did not let me see her cry often so I could become stronger.  I appreciate my mother’s work and tell her thank you everyday because she cared for me and brought the real me back to life. Now I am recovering from that traumatic experience and I am feeling better than ever. There is always going to be a toxic relationship in your life, even if it is with yourself or the person in the mirror. Finally, after the long two years of my eating disorders, I realized that many teenagers struggle to talk about their fear. I know I did, and I was fortunate enough to receive help. If you’re struggling with body dysmorphia or you are insecure about how you look. I hope reading this will encourage you to educate yourself on having an open mind and stop blaming yourself for everything. I want you to mute that drunk monkey and silence the negativity that is keeping you away from those you love! Remember, you cannot judge someone's appearance and assume that they are not struggling. Being a teenager is tough and the time is now to start shaping your life. But it is all up to you to ask yourself. “Is this really how I want to live? Punishing myself for enjoying a delicious and healthy meal with my family?” Keep being yourself, being productive and face your fears and challenges. It gets better. With the right support and positive mindset, you can achieve anything.