Red as Coals, Black as Night Prologue | Teen Ink

Red as Coals, Black as Night Prologue

June 1, 2010
By OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1752 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker
We cannot change the cards we're dealt just how we play the hand
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
It's pretty easy to be smart when you're parroting smart people
-Randy Pausch


Her feet pounded the streets made of the wide, aqua blue and purple rocks Afalia was famous for. As her urgent footsteps echoed around the narrow alley, she couldn’t have cared less about the beautiful rocks. She couldn’t care about anything but the nearly invisible sound of her pursuer’s footsteps, unheard unless you knew they were there.
As she rounded the corner, her heart stopped. She had come to a dead end. On her left and right were houses, in front of her was an immense, blue stone wall, at least twenty feet high, and behind her was the narrow alley her pursuer walked down calmly at that very moment.
She looked around frantically. There was nothing, nothing to move. The small corner was spotlessly clean and hopelessly empty, except for a few giant rats hiding in the shadows.
Then, all of a sudden, he was there. The man who had chased her all the way from the main square, six miles from here.
But was he a man? He was a giant, around nine feet tall. His entire body was covered by billowing robes. A large cowl obscured his face. But as she stared intently at his shadowed head, she saw something. Glowing like the brightest coals in a high-burning fire, pure red eyes shone through the blackness. They were so unerringly red, so impossibly bright…And then something else glinted in the darkness, something silver. A silver dagger with a beautiful, shining black hilt with a large sapphire embedded in it. He tilted the dagger so the waning, red and orange light glinted off the blade.
She screeched, eyes widening in terror. “What are you?” she cried hoarsely. The creature was advancing quickly. As a surge of fear swept through her, it occurred to her to try to move the rats. Suddenly, she felt a sharp, biting pain in her neck, and her vision began to grow hazy. Through the fog she saw three of the cat-sized rats flying at the creature, spitting their rage. It snapped its neck toward the rats and suddenly, they fell to the ground, mildly stunned. Once they had recovered, they scurried into the shadows. The shadows…
Cold breath, smelling of mint, meat, and smoke stung her burning cheek. His lips were mere inches from her ear. “Sorry ma’am,” he murmured, “Just doing my job.” And then, Ojilia passed into the peaceful oblivion of death.


The author's comments:
The prologue itself is not romance, but the story it is a prologue for is, so I categorized it as that.

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This article has 87 comments.


_Mags_ SILVER said...
on Jun. 19 2010 at 2:27 pm
_Mags_ SILVER, Somewhere, North Carolina
9 articles 7 photos 436 comments

Favorite Quote:
- I stare danger in the face and giggle
- Never argue with an idiot, people might not know the difference
-R.A.P (Retards Attempting Poetry)
-Tip Cologne ryhmes with alone

I love it, you're really creative and also what you wrote seemed to go together well, nothing was awkward.

on Jun. 18 2010 at 8:10 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1752 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker
We cannot change the cards we're dealt just how we play the hand
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
It's pretty easy to be smart when you're parroting smart people
-Randy Pausch

Yeah, I meant to repeat it twice, but thank you for pointing that out.  The repetition is meant to convey the girl's desperation and hopelessness, but I really appreciate your comments, you're being very helpful.  And thank you SO much for reading what I've posted of my novel:)

on Jun. 18 2010 at 8:07 pm
jaredwriter19 GOLD, Masontown, Pennsylvania
12 articles 0 photos 49 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you live to be a hundred, I hope to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you."
-Winnie the Pooh

A wonderful prologue! You describe everything perfectly!

The only thing I had a question on was:

There was nothing, nothing to move.

I don't know if you meant to repeate nothing but my suggestion would be just to say it once.

Onto chapter 1! :)


on Jun. 16 2010 at 7:06 am
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1752 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker
We cannot change the cards we're dealt just how we play the hand
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
It's pretty easy to be smart when you're parroting smart people
-Randy Pausch

Thanks!  Yeah, I like to describe things as vividly as possible, I think it makes things more life-like.  Btw, I posted an excerpt from this, and the first two chapters are pending approval.

on Jun. 16 2010 at 12:11 am
Minderella PLATINUM, Parker, Colorado
21 articles 0 photos 25 comments

Favorite Quote:
If I tell you I love you can I keep you forever? --Aww. From the movie Casper
Also:
If you live to be 100, I want to live to be 100 minus 1 day so I never have to live a day without you. --Aww again. Of course, that's Whinnie the Pooh for ya!

You have good descriptive skills; I think that's the strongest part of your writing and it makes the story interesting (as well as the plot line), so keep it up :).

on Jun. 15 2010 at 6:12 am
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1752 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker
We cannot change the cards we're dealt just how we play the hand
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
It's pretty easy to be smart when you're parroting smart people
-Randy Pausch

Thank you!  And I just posted the first chapter yesterday, so when that gets accepted I'll post the next.

iPonder GOLD said...
on Jun. 15 2010 at 4:29 am
iPonder GOLD, Elk Grove, California
14 articles 0 photos 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
The bad things happen first,then the good things, then more bad things, then more good things: God helps us through the bad things so we can enjoy the good ones. :)

This is nice, I love it. Continue please.