I hate this book so very, very much.

But I will fess up to something here: I used to like it. I even went to go see Twilight the movie. It wasn’t long, however, before I began to notice this EXTREME hype over the series. I began to think to myself: is this book series REALLY worth it? So I decided to pick up the book and look at it from a literary standpoint. I wanted to judge the plot, the characters, etc.

I gave up on the first chapter of the first book. Haven’t touched any of them since.

To any Twilight-lovers out there, I mean no disrespect. And if you do not want to hear me bash your Edward Cullen or Jacob Black, (Or whichever team your on.) please move on to another article. If you love Twilight and you’re STILL reading this article, please do not bash me. These are my opinions, and my opinions only.

Now, continuing right along. I have many issues with this book. So let’s start with the main character herself: Bella.

Let’s look at this character thoroughly. She’s pretty, (But she doesn’t think she is) nice, and everyone loves her. (Expect for those evil vampires and jealous snobs, of course.) This girl is sounding and awful lot like another girl I’ve heard of before. A girl that is the enemy of all female characters in literature, the one girl that you DON’T want your character to be by any means…

Mary Sue.

For those of you that do not know, Mary Sues are female characters that are perfect. Everyone likes them, they’re pretty, nice, and have an ‘unusual’ talent that sets them apart from everyone else. Often these characters will deny their own greatness, adding humbleness to the long list of good traits. They’re perfect, darling, selfless, tragic heroines that only want to have happiness. In one word: perfect.

In another word: boring.

People aren’t actually like that. People have mean thoughts, cut in line at lunch, curse, get angry at their parents, tell their little siblings to bug off, wouldn‘t readily sacrifice themselves to save an acquaintance. It doesn’t necessarily make them bad. It makes them human.

Bella, for the most part, does not show any signs of life to me. She’s a Mary Sue that is completely and totally dependent on her abusive boyfriend. (Who wants to EAT her.) When her boyfriend dumps her, she moves from boring to annoying beyond belief. Our tragic heroine becomes suicidal, thrill-seeking, and whiny. (Well, she was whiny to begin with. If you don’t like the rain don’t move to the rainiest town in the U.S., honey.) Meanwhile she beings to fall for Jacob Black, the only three-dimensional character in the entire series. But, of course, she rejects our lovable wolf boy and goes back to the vampire boy at the drop of a hat. Even though he left her in the woods, made her suicidal and delusional, and is abusive.

Now we move on to our dashing (Ugh.) leading man. The brooding Edward Cullen. Who is as blank and lifeless as the rocks I decorate my bookshelf with. Actually, I take that back. Looking over granite and pebbles is interesting compared to his personality. Meyer did do this right, however. She made a character so blank and lifeless that young teenaged girls could automatically make him into their own personal prince charming.

Let’s dissect what little character we have in this vampire. Edward is dark, brooding, mysterious, and he wants to rip his girlfriend’s throat open. Charming. Edward is a Gary Stue, a male version of a Mary Sue. The only tinkle of life in him is that he plays piano…which isn’t really very unique. (Lestat, anyone?) He’s also abusive. Now I know what some of you might be thinking: WHAT?! ABUSIVE? He never hits her!

Doesn’t have to.

Abuse in a relationship isn’t limited to hitting, people. Insulting and controlling behavior also count. While he never insults her, he controls her. A lot. A prime example is this is when Edward rips the jumper cables out of Bella’s car so she can’t go see Jacob. Not only is that controlling, that is illegal. He also bribes his sister to essentially kidnap her and keep her busy. Again, I know what you’re thinking: it was all out of love! Well then picture this. You work for months and months babysitting until you have the money for a nice car. You get said car and are ecstatic. Life is good. You have plenty of friends, a boyfriend, and now a nice new car that you actually earned! Where to go, what to do? One Saturday you mention to your boyfriend that you’re going to go see a friend that you’ve known since preschool to show him your new car. Your boyfriend doesn’t like that. He breaks your car so that you can’t go see your friend. Not only that, but you also have to save up even more money to get repairs. All because your boyfriend was ‘worried.’

Among another few crimes, Edward sneaks into her room before they even start to date and watches her sleep. Maybe if you’re married and you lay awake to watch your spouse smile in their sleep, that’s ok. That’s cute! But when you’re watching someone you barely know? And you sneak into their house to do that? That’s called stalking, not to mention breaking and entering.

My third point is that this series has no plot. A vampire boy and a human girl fall in love. And…what? Does the town find out about the vampire and she has to help him and his family keep safe? Or is there some task the girl must accomplish to become a vampire herself? If you want to make it REALLY creative, maybe vampires and other ‘monsters’ are at war with the humans! Instead we get this:

First book-
Love at first sight
Lovey dovey stuff
Edward is a walking disco ball, apparently
Baseball! Awesome!
Oh! Vampire wants to eat her!
Bella sacrifices herself. OMG, HOW HEROIC!
Bella has to get her butt saved. (1)
Happy ending, dance at the prom.

Second book-
OMG BREAKUP
Emo
Emo
Emo
More emo
Enter three-dimensional character
Bella rejects three-dimensional character
Three-dimensional character is…apparently a werewolf. Yay?
Bella nearly gets her ex killed because she’s suicidal and an adrenaline junkie
Bella saves her ex
Bella gets saved by her ex (2)
Edward and Bella get back together. Jacob whimpers in the corner.

Third book-
Evil vampire’s mistress comes back! Oh!
Bella realizes she loves Jacob too
Bella chooses Edward over Jacob anyway
Bella gets her butt saved (Too many times to count.)

Fourth book-
Bella and Edward get married
Enter disgusting sex stuff. (Those poor, poor pillows.)
Enter…baby?
Edward performs the worst C-section in the history of man (and vampire)
Bella’s a vampire now! She lives forever now! …crap
Jacob falls in love with the NEWBORN BABY. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW. EW.
Insert minor conflict here that could really have been left out all together
End of the series.

That’s all I have to say on this series.

P.S: Why do the vampires SPARKLE, of all things?!