Inner Battle | Teen Ink

Inner Battle

August 20, 2013
By LaChouette GOLD, Mount Vernon, New York
LaChouette GOLD, Mount Vernon, New York
12 articles 0 photos 146 comments

Favorite Quote:
“And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.”
- George Carlin


I used to keep it together,
holding onto the part of me that was sane.
An iron grip,
a perfect façade,
I had an impenetrable fortress.
No one could reach the walls of sanity
I had built.
I walk a path alone, forever forced
To guard my fortress.
But then a situation occurred.

An opposing force approached
At the only moment I ever let my guard down.
What it was? I don’t know.
What it did? It pains me to discuss.
I had a flawless plan, flawless
Protection.
I was impenetrable!
I, however, did not expect this surprise.

A blow to the head, a wall was down.
Another blow;
Another wall down.
I’m losing my grip.
I grit my teeth against the darkness growing.
Another wall gone.
A darkness emerges.
My sanity shrinks as the beast rises.
It steps out of my fortress and walks.
I feel myself weaken.
The black beast glides over the ruins.
Regaining breath and balance, I walk.
The beast looms over, shadowing me,
And I feel a chill.
I manage to muster a glare at it,
And the beast stares blankly back.
It moves on.
I stumble by.
The beast brushes the foliage near my fortress,
And I hold my hands to my head in pain.
It soon moves out of view.
I enter the ruins dejected, pained, and depressed.
Sitting in a corner next to a chain, I assume a fetal position,
And wait for the battle to begin.



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This article has 27 comments.


on Aug. 28 2013 at 1:42 pm
LaChouette GOLD, Mount Vernon, New York
12 articles 0 photos 146 comments

Favorite Quote:
“And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.”
- George Carlin

Thank You!

on Aug. 28 2013 at 12:05 pm
tikapeek97 BRONZE, Waterboro, Maine
2 articles 1 photo 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
"good things come in small packages" =)

This is really good!! its super discriptive and tells a really intresting story!! Awesome job!

on Aug. 26 2013 at 8:07 pm
LaChouette GOLD, Mount Vernon, New York
12 articles 0 photos 146 comments

Favorite Quote:
“And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.”
- George Carlin

Okay and thanks for the feedback!

on Aug. 26 2013 at 5:55 pm
Carpe-Caffeam GOLD, No Where, Florida
10 articles 0 photos 444 comments

Favorite Quote:
“If it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.” –David Letterman

I loved it! My suggestions are to use something other than impenetrable fortress as it is slightly cliche, to watch for your changes in verb tense (it's like a story, unless you're having a flashback and then you resume the present, you don't want to necessarily change tense), and to also make sure you don't turn this into a fiction work. Your short action lines are amazing for fiction, but for poetry you want to use more literary strategies (e.g. metaphors, similes, etc.). When you say "And I feel a chill," you're telling the reader you felt chilled instead of showing them. Otherwise, I quite enjoyed reading this. You have quite a potential for poetry :D If you ever need feedback on any more poetic works, let me know; I'll be happy to help. ^_^ Take care and have a great day!

Iyanna D. said...
on Aug. 26 2013 at 12:32 pm
This poem was great, and very descriptive. I could really connect the sort of metaphor and get a more literal meaning of breaking down.

on Aug. 24 2013 at 4:27 pm
LaChouette GOLD, Mount Vernon, New York
12 articles 0 photos 146 comments

Favorite Quote:
“And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.”
- George Carlin

Thank you! 

JRaye PLATINUM said...
on Aug. 24 2013 at 4:04 pm
JRaye PLATINUM, Dorr, Michigan
43 articles 10 photos 523 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you build your house far enough away from Trouble, then Trouble will never find you."

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, 'I just don't care.'?"

Wow, this is great! :) So intense, so discriptive. Loved it, great job