Inner Battle | Teen Ink

Inner Battle

August 20, 2013
By LaChouette GOLD, Mount Vernon, New York
LaChouette GOLD, Mount Vernon, New York
12 articles 0 photos 146 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.&rdquo;<br /> - George Carlin


I used to keep it together,
holding onto the part of me that was sane.
An iron grip,
a perfect façade,
I had an impenetrable fortress.
No one could reach the walls of sanity
I had built.
I walk a path alone, forever forced
To guard my fortress.
But then a situation occurred.

An opposing force approached
At the only moment I ever let my guard down.
What it was? I don’t know.
What it did? It pains me to discuss.
I had a flawless plan, flawless
Protection.
I was impenetrable!
I, however, did not expect this surprise.

A blow to the head, a wall was down.
Another blow;
Another wall down.
I’m losing my grip.
I grit my teeth against the darkness growing.
Another wall gone.
A darkness emerges.
My sanity shrinks as the beast rises.
It steps out of my fortress and walks.
I feel myself weaken.
The black beast glides over the ruins.
Regaining breath and balance, I walk.
The beast looms over, shadowing me,
And I feel a chill.
I manage to muster a glare at it,
And the beast stares blankly back.
It moves on.
I stumble by.
The beast brushes the foliage near my fortress,
And I hold my hands to my head in pain.
It soon moves out of view.
I enter the ruins dejected, pained, and depressed.
Sitting in a corner next to a chain, I assume a fetal position,
And wait for the battle to begin.



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This article has 27 comments.


on Aug. 28 2013 at 1:42 pm
LaChouette GOLD, Mount Vernon, New York
12 articles 0 photos 146 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.&rdquo;<br /> - George Carlin

Thank You!

on Aug. 28 2013 at 12:05 pm
tikapeek97 BRONZE, Waterboro, Maine
2 articles 1 photo 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;good things come in small packages&quot; =)

This is really good!! its super discriptive and tells a really intresting story!! Awesome job!

on Aug. 26 2013 at 8:07 pm
LaChouette GOLD, Mount Vernon, New York
12 articles 0 photos 146 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.&rdquo;<br /> - George Carlin

Okay and thanks for the feedback!

on Aug. 26 2013 at 5:55 pm
Carpe-Caffeam GOLD, No Where, Florida
10 articles 0 photos 444 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;If it weren&rsquo;t for the coffee, I&rsquo;d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.&rdquo; &ndash;David Letterman

I loved it! My suggestions are to use something other than impenetrable fortress as it is slightly cliche, to watch for your changes in verb tense (it's like a story, unless you're having a flashback and then you resume the present, you don't want to necessarily change tense), and to also make sure you don't turn this into a fiction work. Your short action lines are amazing for fiction, but for poetry you want to use more literary strategies (e.g. metaphors, similes, etc.). When you say "And I feel a chill," you're telling the reader you felt chilled instead of showing them. Otherwise, I quite enjoyed reading this. You have quite a potential for poetry :D If you ever need feedback on any more poetic works, let me know; I'll be happy to help. ^_^ Take care and have a great day!

Iyanna D. said...
on Aug. 26 2013 at 12:32 pm
This poem was great, and very descriptive. I could really connect the sort of metaphor and get a more literal meaning of breaking down.

on Aug. 24 2013 at 4:27 pm
LaChouette GOLD, Mount Vernon, New York
12 articles 0 photos 146 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.&rdquo;<br /> - George Carlin

Thank you! 

JRaye PLATINUM said...
on Aug. 24 2013 at 4:04 pm
JRaye PLATINUM, Dorr, Michigan
43 articles 10 photos 523 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;If you build your house far enough away from Trouble, then Trouble will never find you.&quot;<br /> <br /> &quot;Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, &#039;I just don&#039;t care.&#039;?&quot;

Wow, this is great! :) So intense, so discriptive. Loved it, great job