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Playful Agony

July 11, 2010
By squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
More by this author
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb

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When the stars lay down to rest
A heavy heart is in my chest
Upon saying farewell to you
My heart was brutally shredded in two
T’was not you that made me cry
But the demon locked within your eye
If it were to be
Between you and me
You would be alive
Dead you are not
But exist you do not
The toy of my brain
Occupant of my thoughts
Be here you should
But alas you are not
The crow caws alone
His complaint goes unheard
You will never speak to me
Not a single word

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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 30 comments.

squidzinkpen SILVER said...
on Aug. 10 2010 at 6:00 pm
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven&#039;t seen the joke yet&quot;- Irish Proverb

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Already have! Will post comments as soon as I can!
_Mags_ SILVER said...
on Aug. 10 2010 at 4:33 pm
_Mags_ SILVER, Somewhere, North Carolina
9 articles 7 photos 436 comments

Favorite Quote:
- I stare danger in the face and giggle<br /> - Never argue with an idiot, people might not know the difference<br /> -R.A.P (Retards Attempting Poetry)<br /> -Tip Cologne ryhmes with alone

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wow this is really good, i actually kinda liked that you switch the styles during the middle of the poem, it makes it unique. 5/5

btw-can you check out some of my stuff if you get the chance?

riley... GOLD said...
on Aug. 10 2010 at 1:20 pm
riley... GOLD, Yakima, Washington
13 articles 0 photos 73 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;i became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.&quot; edgar allen poe.

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iDogrocker makes a point about the uncomfortable transition. but overall i love the message and the unique writing style. the first few lines were my favorite :)
iDogrocker said...
on Aug. 8 2010 at 8:09 pm
iDogrocker, Lebanon, Oregon
0 articles 0 photos 78 comments
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I saw a couple places where the lines were minorly disjointed and it was an uncomfortable transition between lines (the two that ended with "not" is an example...), but it's an interesting poem, and I'm almost curious to see what it would sound like in prose. Good job!
J.A.M. SILVER said...
on Aug. 8 2010 at 4:52 pm
J.A.M. SILVER, Lacey, Washington
6 articles 0 photos 12 comments
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this is pretty good. sad, really creative. but good
Still_Waters26 SILVER said...
on Aug. 7 2010 at 3:37 pm
Still_Waters26 SILVER, Ladysmith, Wisconsin
6 articles 0 photos 88 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;We few, we happy few/we band of brothers/For he to-day that sheds his blood with me/Shall be my brother&quot;<br /> -Shakespeare, &quot;Henry V&quot;

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Wow, this is beautiful.  Definitely creativity and lots of talent.  You're very good!
squidzinkpen SILVER said...
on Aug. 7 2010 at 12:36 pm
squidzinkpen SILVER, Buffalo, New York
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven&#039;t seen the joke yet&quot;- Irish Proverb

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Thank you! What an honor!
mudpuppy BRONZE said...
on Aug. 7 2010 at 11:14 am
mudpuppy BRONZE, Orangeburg, South Carolina
2 articles 0 photos 475 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life is like a box of cheese and flower petal sometimes it&#039;s soft and sweet, sometimes it just plain stinks. - M.J.

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Just two words to say on this piece:

Shakespeare worthy

Just.A.Dream SILVER said...
on Aug. 7 2010 at 9:10 am
Just.A.Dream SILVER, Lake Geneva, Wisconsin
7 articles 0 photos 430 comments

Favorite Quote:
Part of the J7X team. :)

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I really liked it! But I agree with abster55, you shouldn't just stop rhyming in the middle of it. Maybe you could just make the last stanza no rhyming. But I like the story in the poem!
abster55 BRONZE said...
on Aug. 6 2010 at 12:38 pm
abster55 BRONZE, Wilmette, Illinois
1 article 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;You can tell a lot about a fellow&#039;s character by the way he eats jelly beans.&rdquo; -Ronald Reagan

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This was a really good poem!  I noticed that it stopped rhyming about halfway through and you should either rhyme the whole thing or not at all! Thats my only bit of advice for you to improve this. Overall, very well written!