if i could visit 

my younger self 

i would go back

to when i was innocent

i laughed 

more than i cried

i didn’t know what trauma was

or mental illness

or even death

i only ever cried 

out of physical pain,

never emotional pain.

the loudest sounds 

i could imagine 

were lions roaring

and childish shrieks of joy,

not screams of terror 

and anguish

i could never have imagined

spending more 

than one day in a hospital - 

most likely as a result 

of a broken bone,

or temporary sickness - 

let alone spending 

hundreds of days 

in various hospitals

for reasons 

other than physical ailments

i didn’t know 

what calories were,

didn’t think of some foods as “safe”

and others as “fear foods”

i didn’t need caffeine 

to get through the day

i didn’t know what drugs 

or alcohol were

semicolons were punctuation

and butterflies were 

beautiful insects

that had no deeper meaning.

i wouldn’t have understood

if i was told that they’re 

symbols for recovery

i was fearful of getting hurt;

never in a million years

would i have expected

to crave it,

long for it,

purposefully inflict it 

on myself

there was a sparkle 

behind my eyes,

like a gem,

that had not yet 

been stolen from me

i enjoyed school

i savored the time

that i got to spend

with my friends,

and playing outside,

and doing crafts;

rather than watching the clock,

counting down the minutes,

waiting 

impatiently 

for the day to end

my friends didn’t 

abandon me

or spread rumors about me;

no one was fake.

when i was upset,

i always went running 

into the arms of my parents,

not running 

away from them

in anger.

i was happy,

couldn’t fathom a time

in which i woke up 

in the morning

wishing i hadn’t.

i was told 

i was innocent.

i took that as an insult

i now wish i had cherished

those early years of my life,

when i was oblivious

to the brutality

of the world around me.

i will forever be filled 

with regret

that i didn’t live my younger years 

to their fullest,

and that i lost 

my childhood self

far too young.