I never understood what “father figure” meant but I wished I did.

I hated that when I needed him to be one, he never showed up.

I hated the stuff he would say and how it reminded me of how much

better my siblings were.

Was it because there was a big age gap?

I had to learn things myself.

I remember the first time I shaved.

So many cuts.

I learned to dress myself and got my style with my sister's help. 

I didn’t know what a healthy relationship looked like. 

I learned to love on my own. 

Simple things like riding a bike had to be learned on my own. 

It took me getting in trouble for him to ask about my day or at least talk to me. 

I never understood why.

Why do I want to talk to him if he was never there? 

My life is filled with a void I don’t know how to fill. 

But I have made it this far without his help. 

He would say he got me to where I was though because

Of all his yelling at me,  “Get your life straight!”. 

Whatever that means.

Couldn’t he have shown me how? 

So what is a Father Figure?

Maybe it’s just that.

Someone who is there.

Or maybe it isn’t just someone in your home.

But maybe someone is actually there for you.