Pulling back the memories

I don’t know how to feel

Your hands on my body

Sometimes I wish I could feel

You made me hurt so many times

I built the relationships I need 

But you tore me down

So I pushed them away

I lost not one

Not two

Not three

Not four

Not five 

Not six 

Not seven 

But eight

Eight people I lost

Because I couldn’t lose you

So why do I still feel you at night

I don’t want to 

I don’t wish to 

I only wish to be free

Charles Dickens said it best,

When he said it to me,

“I only wish to be free;

The butterflies are free.”

How could you do all this to me?

Expose me.

Hurt me.

Threaten me.

I’ve not felt so alone in so long

Its been years

I’ve never felt the need to burn or cut

So strong. 

I lost my mom

My best friend

My sister in christ

My future maid of honor

My sister

My brother

Myself.

How could you love me 

as much as you say you do

And still hurt me,

still, destroy me all over again

I  gave you chance

After chance

After chance

After chance

You destroyed me again

And again

And again

And again

But I snuck out

And I snuck you in

Such loneliness 

But I craved your pain.

John, how I wish I could go back

Bring you to God and leave it at that

But I don’t regret a single thing I did

Because God knows we’re just kids

I wish I could change my decisions

But I really don’t

I just wish I could change you

But we both know

I won’t.

So thank you,

For a summer ruined,

Thank you

For my summer ruins.