The year of salads and dizziness should be over by now 

I blinked once though and now it’s been 4 years 

4 years I have been hungry

For 4 years I’ve been shoving my fingers down my throat

For 4 years I have tried everything to lose the last few pounds

I was only a child, I am still just a child

The only way to feel pretty is to feel hungry, is it not?

I don’t remember the way cake tastes but I can tell you how many calories are in each piece of gum 

I can tell you all the ways I’ve been terrified not of the health issues like I should have but of finally being full 

I’m exhausted 

Exhausted from being dizzy all the time 

Exhausted from my stomach always hurting 

Exhausted from not being like all of the other girls 

I used to watch America’s Next Top Model and Project Runway like they were the most important things 

I looked at those girls bodies like they were my only hope 

You laugh at me because maybe you were only joking when you called me big, but I made sure to stay hungry for days after just in case you weren’t 

People say I am not the only one who feels this way but I think they’re lying 

I’ve had this disease for 4 years and I still don’t seem to be any smaller

I’ve put in so much work and so much effort 

I’ve gotten nothing in return 

I’m so tired of taking revenge out on my body 

You say love yourself and appreciate your body for the things it does 

I say why can’t it be like the other bodies 

Why won’t people look at me like they look at other girls 

I resent my body 

I used to love the way people would compliment me for randomly losing large amounts of weight 

I used to think it was the recognition I finally deserved for working so hard

Now I know that it is proof I am sick 

I was sick, because those large amounts of weight never seem to go away anymore even though I’m doing so much worse than before

It is proof that the minds of people my age are lacking what is most important: health

“Just work out instead” you say but I promise I’ve tried 

I have tried everything, but I’ve received nothing 

Blythe Baird says “if you are not recovering you are dying”

I should be dead by now 

Instead of liking how I am now I’m planning ways to save for surgeries later on 

I watch the girls on social media talk about their glow ups and I’m sad because when is mine coming 

I hate watching skinny girls complain about the same issues I have 

I feel bad because I don’t feel bad 

I would do anything to look like them, but they feel the same way about different people 

I’m used to the pleading look on friends faces when I go to their houses and do not eat dinner 

I’m lucky to have friends with the same issues, but I’m equally as unlucky 

We do not help each other

We know that we wouldn’t listen 

We know that there is no getting better anytime soon, we are all too blinded and ill by our disordered notions to see what is before us 

The internet says “You must eat more than x amount of calories each day”

I say subtract by 400 and hope for the best

I haven’t liked the way I looked since I was 10

When I put my fingers in my mouth I tell myself it’s okay because I’m not sick 

It’s always a lie 

They always ask my sister if she has an eating disorder because she’s skinny, they forget about me because I am not 

I’m so used to the burn of acid in my throat when it comes up I don’t think I’ve ever gone long without it 

I’m so used to it it takes me much longer because I no longer have a good gag reflex 

I say my cavities are from candy but I know the truth 

You know the truth 

It’s gotten so much worse since I can’t remember 

So much worse as of this moment 

I can’t believe anyone when they say they think I’m pretty 

Not when every time I pass a mirror I make sure I look the same 

I always hate what I see 

I’m lost in the abyss of trying too hard to reach impossible standards that I have set for myself 

I’m lost in the way cold water feels on an empty stomach  

There’s no helping me, because you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved 

My friends with similar issues are concerned 

To that I say focus on yourself and leave me to drown because I’m going to 

I watched movies and shows like Thirteen, Shameless, and Skins too young 

I based my world off of them and now I am them 

This is more of an issue than I make it out to be 

At least now I know I’m sick, there is always that

Though I’m self aware, I don’t care

I won’t stop, I can’t stop until I’m thin enough to be wanted