its seeing black and white reruns on TV. watching as old beige buicks drive past me on the road. a dusty Monopoly board that’s been in my closet for years. watching a Kentucky basketball game. it’s seeing Halls brand cough drops and finding tissues in a coat pocket. immediately upon seeing or experiencing these things i am hit deeply. a pain in my chest that i can’t ease and a breath waiting to be inhaled but it just isn’t able to be. i have never been so struck by grief. the past 5 months have seemed so much longer than the 19 years i’ve spent on this earth. 5 whole months and every time i think about them my breath gets stolen from my lungs like i just discovered the news again for the first time. something as simple as locking the car door sends me into a spiral down down down knowing they’re gone. the smell of coffee in the morning. crossword puzzles. listerene strips and rose scented lotion. an addition problem. stupid everyday things that mean nothing to the next person…yet have such an impact on me. one thought, and then the next, and then im frozen. struck again with the ache in my heart that i’ll never get to relive the memories i think about every single day. the reunion i beg to have is only available in my dreams.