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alone in the dark.
I look into the mirror, and tell myself that what I see is beautiful.
The dampness of my hair darkens the color into a soft brown,
and the water on my skin gives it a shine,
while the heat from the shower flushes my cheeks.
“I am beautiful,” I say.
But the voices in my head, dripping with existential dread, scream at me from the top of their lungs, “BUT YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE HER!”
Her hair in waves matching the willowy curvature of her body.
The smooth, tan skin cause my fair body to take on the appearance of a sickly child.
Her hight dwarfs my own,
and when I could lift my head to match her gaze,
I look down.
The inferno of self loathing
licks at my heels as
I run for the door
that will lead to a window,
that could lead to a path,
that might lead to a life of love
but there’s always one more step to take and
I am so tired.
And as I lie down to rest in the cool of a breeze,
the flames consume me and burn away my skin.
Underneath I am empty.
Unfulfilled potential doesn’t leave a mark in this world
and I disappear from it, forgotten.
Tears sting my eyes as my bones are licked dry by the monsters under my bed.
The monsters that used to leave me feeling helpless in the night, long since forgotten.
Now, when I am at my most vulnerable
they come and reveal themselves to me for what they really are.
They all have eyes,
Her’s, filled with disappointment, as she says, “You had so much to give, and you threw it all away,” and
his eyes are filled with indifference as he signs the papers and walks away uncaring, unloving.
All I ever needed was his touch, his assurance.
And he signed it all away.
I relive my worst fears and
my worst moments
and soon I am nothing but a pile of burnt offerings to be sent up to heaven.
Soon I shall be judged for my life and all I have ever done.
But I know I am selfish
and that they will see all the lies
and all the times I tried to be someone else
and all the times I’ve thought of myself
and they will deem me unworthy just like ALL THE OTHERS.
I will be turned away.
I will be escorted to the elevator that will descend for a year and a day before it reaches its destination
in the frozen pit of flames that is to be my eternity.