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I want to let go
The way his eyes pierced my soul through the screen…
The same eyes that one reminded me of sunny, summer afternoons, were a raging sea.
Full of so much pain.
And it was all my fault.
It replays in my head every time I close my eyes,
When they’re open, the imagine burns and begs to be seen.
The wall, close to robins egg blue, with visible bumps.
His fingers on his head, in his pale blond hair.
His torso bent over in his gamer chair.
His face, slightly red, flushed from crying.
But his eyes.
His eyes held so much hurt,
Overflowing with tears.
I don’t know why it’s burned so permanently in my brain,
I couldn’t bear the image in the first place.
But hopelessly, like a bug in a spider’s hand-crafted web,
The image is stuck in my own self-made prison.
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I wrote this about the day I broke up with this guy. At the time, I thought he was a decent dude but what the relationship was isn't what I wanted or needed in someone. I felt bad, he'd been through a lot with past relationships but he tended to trauma dump without realizing or maybe without caring, I'm not sure. I knew that if I stayed with him and was constantly trauma dumped on without warning then my mental health would deteriorate a lot more than it already was. He sent me a picture of him crying which made me feel like crap, that's where the line "I couldn't bear the image in the first place." came from.