Sometimes I really f*cking hate you

I hate the way you make me feel

the way you make me think

the way my heart bleeds for you

But I can’t remove the knife

You know, you don’t ever really talk to me

I still have photos of us on my wall

A couple of them at least

we never had many

I ask you and you never respond

So I guess you never really want to hang out

You tell us you’re sad

but you never talk to us

So I try to get over myself and call you

You don’t pick up

I knew you were at a concert

No matter how many times you don’t reply, you never turn your location off

I can tell you really want to be here

But when I see you, you’re there

You say hello and make me say hi to your mom

which I’m sure we both hate

I ask you about your day and you say you’ll call me back

I don’t really know how long that will be

I’ve never been told that before

It could be days

You said you really wanted to go rock wall climbing with me

I’m going tomorrow after my brace appointment

Maybe you’ll come

Maybe I’ll be there alone

I can’t tell when it’s time to let go

I know you want to be here

You never really try

Maybe I can be here for the both of us

I know it’s not fair

and being on this cliffhanger is endless

it’s heartbreaking

it really really hurts

and I know it’s funny but I feel as if you’re my only friend

I think I have a better life now

I workout every morning

I eat super healthy

I practice piano

and I’m getting into rock climbing

I’m reading more too, like i’ve always wanted

There’s bruises on my knees and cuts on my toes

I think blank from the past leaving me was really hard too

Even though it feels like I didn’t really pass that speed bump

It still feels hollow inside

But can’t bear to let go of your hand

Im cracking inside

We were suppose to explore the dark together

We had plans that would make our parents mad at us,

our friends would be jealous of us,

we’d live in a small apartment in New York and live paycheck to paycheck

We’d go out to bars and meet cute guys

We’d travel when we finally saved enough money

We’d have albums on albums filled with just us

I don’t know if we’ll ever have that fantasy

Maybe not even close

maybe 5 years from now we won’t even know each other’s names

I know it's selfish but,

I just hope you’ll miss me too