That’s right. Almost atheist. Not an agnostic, not a believer, but an almost atheist. Because for me, there is no middle ground. Either you believe that there is a god, or you don’t. I can’t see the in between.

However, that being said, let me explain. I’m not a complete believer. I have my doubts. But I believe right now that there is a supreme being somewhere in the universe that has control over some aspect of that very same universe. I may not know how or why or where or anything at all, but I simply can’t deny the existence of a god.

I went to nine years of Catholic school. This was one of the best things that happened to me. It was also one of the worst. For nine years, I went to church every week. Not because I wanted to, because I had to. Of course, at first I thought that it was what I wanted—going to mass to have the same readings read to you year after year, the same songs sung week after week, the same prayers said day after day. But in middle school, I realized that I was just doing this to please someone else. I wasn’t making myself happy. I was bored by the redundancy of the whole process.

The Catholic school education did show me better Spanish than I believe the majority of the people at my now public high school have, but that’s about all I can say. And in defense of public schools everywhere, some of my closest friends are not religious at all. They are overwhelmingly nice and welcomed me into their circles of friendship. To me, this proves that religion is not a necessity when it comes to moral standards.

One thing I consider when trying to determine the existence of a god for myself is the happenings of the world. How can the god that so many people say exists leave millions of people without food or shelter or clothing? How can this god allow humans to blow up their fellow people or shoot small children? I regret that people claim “God is good” only to see constant warfare on the news.

I could accept the existence of a god that simply exists. In earlier times, people believed in a religion called deism. This was the practice that God existed, but then went aside and left people to do what they may. But a god that is supposed to be in control of lives just doesn’t sit right with me. I feel agitated that so many people believe in a good being that lets so much bad happen.

Another thing that bothers me is the stance so many people take on gay and lesbian rights with God in the picture. A good god should not dictate who is or is not equal in society. If a god exists, it should be solely for the purpose of providing faith and comfort to people in need. Believe what you want, but maybe God is not the best way to believe.

Yes, I went to private school. But I think they sheltered me a little too much there. I was not prepared for the so-called “real world.” Kids should be able to make their own decisions about religion, not have to be told that God will always protect them. Because the god I’ve come to understand isn’t all that understanding.