Dear Whoever is Willing to Listen,

To be honest I'm not sure if I'm going to even put this on the weekly stories but if you're reading this right now that means I decided to put it up. So hello, I guess you could call this my confession

I never wanted my life to turn out this way. I never thought it would. In a world where everyone strives for perfection and people rarely take time to breathe I was the only wondering in the dark wondering where the hell I was supposed to go. It seems now a days people are always trying to hard. Trying to show that they deserve the fame. Trying to say they deserve the glory.  When in reality most of those people can't tell the difference between black and blue or white and gold. Does the color of a dress really matter when the people around you are dying on the inside and aren't strong enough to tell someone? I guess it does because every time I try to say something I'm pushed away like we push away our responsibilities. Pretending they don't exist. Pretending I don't exist. And it hurts like a b****. Do you know how long I've tried to stay strong for? Because I've lost track of the years.
Of course there's people who don't care. People who just walk passed when they can't see that someone they love is dying on the inside and doesn't know how to tell anyone. I don't know how to say it. I don't know if it's all in my head. I don't know why I feel this way. In my opinion I shouldn't feel this way. I have a perfectly happy and healthy life. My parents are happily married. My brother is graduating soon. Yet here I am sitting in my room writing this at one in the morning wishing I could tell people the way I really feel.

The girl inside of me wants to tell the truth but is too terrified that someone will laugh at her and make fun of her. The girl that wants to be helped but doesn't know where to get help. The girl that wants to be able to speak her mind without caring what people thought. I just want my life to go back to normal. When I didn't have to worry about what I was saying or what I was doing. Back when I was actually happy. Now I walk around with a fake smile plastered on my face and tell people I'm fine when I'm really trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life.
It feels like there is a wall in my brain and behind that wall was all the hate, all the anger, all the sadness, all the stress and worry and that wall is slowly crumbling down and there is no way to build that wall back up. It's to late to build it up anyway. There's no escaping the things I've thought about or the people and things I've wished would go away. It's a like a war is going on in my mind and there is no way I can stop any of it. And to be honest I'm tired. I'm tired of the weight on my shoulders. I try to make everyone happy and it works but where are they when I need cheering up?

If I had a penny for every time I told one of my friends or family members I was fine I'd probably have about five dollars, maybe more. I've lied to them so much it's sickening. In fact today one of a group of my friends wanted me to help them film a horror film and I lied to them saying I was sick and I wasn't able to make it. Why I didn't really go? Because I'm getting really annoyed with my friends recently and everyday I want to yell at them and tell them to get out of my life. But then I wonder what I would do without them. Sometimes I wish I could turn invisible for a week or two just to see how my friends would react to me being gone. Would they even notice? Or would they even care? I don't think they would care after a few days. I think they'd push it off and go on with their lives. But would they really? Would they even care in the first place? I like to tell myself they would but I’m not sure anymore.

One more thing I hate is how if I’m not free one day but I’m free a few days after that, my friends assume that I’m not free at all and don’t even think about asking if I can do anything. It’s a little confusing, I know, it’s hard for me to understand sometimes. But I found it hard to trust just anyone now, especially my friends. I guess you could say it’s because I’m afraid that as soon as I get close to people they are going to leave me because that’s what people in our society do. I’ve learned that trust is something that I don’t have in many people and that I’d rather be playing video games or reading than be out with my “friends” because I know that video game characters and characters in books won’t leave me. I’m sure a lot of people other than me don’t trust a lot of people in this day and age. Maybe it’s because I’m ignored by my teachers and friends but I always get the feeling that I’m invisible and that makes me think that I can’t trust anyone anymore.

And I want to talk about society. It seems like they shame us for being depressed and not knowing what we want our lives to be like. Um? Excuse me, the last time I checked only five percent of my facebook, twitter, and instagram friends talk to me in real life. So how can you judge me when you don’t even know me? They always say something on the line of  “Oh you should feel sorry for this person but at the same time you shouldn’t talk to them.” How is that going to help anyone? People like me are treated like we have some huge disability because we’re confused! Add that to the reasons why I hate society.

I know that this letter, or memoir, is all over the place but I just needed a way to get my thoughts out. I’m sorry to all the people I’ve hurt because I’ve lied and I’m sorry for being a bad friend and family member. If I could go back in time a chose a different path I would do it in a heart beat. I never wanted to cause pain to my friends. I never thought I’d lie to my family. No, I haven’t been diagnosed with depression but I know it’s there. Same with anxiety and the occasional, terrifying, panic attacks. It’s hard for me sometimes. Most of the time I want to be locked away in my room with no human interaction at all, but then again, I’m not really sure what I would do without my friends and family always being there to lift me off the ground on get me back on my feet. Like I said at the beginning, I don’t think I have the right to feel this way. But I do and it’s going to take time to change that. I just need to get help first.

So that’s my rant. That’s me getting everything out that has been building up inside my brain. I’m sorry if this made you upset or really made you worry about me but you should know that I’m getting better, I think. I want everyone I know to know that I love them and don’t regret any time I’ve spent with you. So thank you for being in my life. For dealing with my mood swings, my depression, and my life in general.
 

Sincerely,

the girl who wants everything to be the way it used to be