There are but a few steps in becoming a popular prep-school male nowadays. You should have a shaggy mane that you wash at least once a week to maintain its flow and shine. You should play lacrosse. You should never do your homework. You should dip tobacco. You should always put “bros before hos”. And most importantly, you should always refer to ladies in terms of their reproductive organs. You had better be listening, gentlemen, for these criteria are vital. And ladies, you listen too, just in case you see any revisions to what you’re currently asking for.

Gentlemen, looks are the most important thing. Having any style of hair other than “flow” will steer you straight out of the race. If your hair isn’t big enough to hide your porn collection, feel free to go home now--or be vaporized. It’s your call. For those of you remaining, make sure to wear a snap-back over your flow, to gently caress those precious locks up and out. If you’re on a varsity sport, make sure to always wear your team paraphernalia as a badge of your finesse. Unless you run cross-country. We’re only talking, hockey and lacrosse here, gentlemen.

For all you young men out there who call girls by their first names, speak of girls as human beings, and wish to develop honest relationships with them, leave now. To be a popular prep-school guy it is essential that you do none of these things. Remember: Girls are prey! Hump and dump should really be the motto you’re going for. Strive to seduce as many girls as possible. After the deed’s been done, make sure to tell all of your bros about your most intimate moments; hyperbole is always encouraged.

As for you, the prep-school ladies, keep up the good work. Continue to long for attention from these knights in shining armor. Continue to tweak your every feature until you fulfill their requirements. Continue to praise the gentlemen that degrade you as you degrade yourself. And I’m sure you already know this, but as an important reminder, make sure to keep on ignoring the guys who blush when you look their way, the guys who buy you your favorite cupcake just because, and the guys who squirm at the mere thought of talking to you. They see you as a person, not as just another quarter pounder. So naturally, they are not worth your time.

Is there any hope for girls like me? I long for the day when we realize what we are doing to ourselves. This generation of girls encourages this generation of boys to act the way they do. We invest time into appeasing these boorish creatures. The day that we realize the implications behind our folly is the day that “bros” turn back to gentlemen.