Let’s talk about sex, baby.

Yep, you read that correctly. Sex, love-making, whoopee, whatever you want to call it, students have been increasingly engaging in this pleasure-filled activity since the dawn of time…literally. The process itself has not changed but what has is the alarming statistics of teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.

According to SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions)’s website, three in ten teenage girls become pregnant at least once before they reach the age of 20. One in two sexually active youth will contract an STD by age 25.

But enough about those boring old statistics, let’s get down to the info that you’ll really use: how to just say no! It’s really quite simple. Take one voice box and one mouth and produce a one-syllable word that rhymes with something you might be called if it is well known that you ‘get around.’ If you’re still a little confused, try this risk-free step-by-step guide.

Step 1: Stop being another celebrity-obsessed teenager. Everywhere you look, from TV to magazines, there seems to be another story on a celebrity getting pregnant or having a wild night out and leaving with some random guy that really just wants a leg up in the business (no pun intended). Pull yourself away from the gossip magazines and flip the channel when you see any images of scantily-clad heiresses frolicking around L.A.

Step 2: If your boyfriend/girlfriend or some random guy/girl at a party (that you didn’t even notice how cute they were until you digested some magical drinks from cans) starts to pressure you to do ‘it,’ picture small red bumps on various parts of your body. What’s that you hear? If he/she’s asking you, “do you want to have sex with me?” you should rephrase that in your head. Try something like “do you want to get genital herpes with me?” or the always effective “want to go get us some high quality Hepatitis B?” or there’s the foolproof “instead of going on a diet, let’s just get AIDS, you can thank me later for the rapid weight loss, not to mention early death.” The options are endless.

Step 3: Gone are the days of old-school excuses like “I got my monthly gift, sorry honey” or “I’m just not ready.” Now we are living in the age of the recession, so if your lover of choice is ready to show you what they’ve got, explain to them how it just wouldn’t be right for the economy. Teen pregnancy costs the United States at least $7 billion annually. Imagine the guilt you would feel if you knew that you may have had a part in the stress of President Obama or his new treasury secretary. Not cool. Then there’s always the popularity thing. Since everyone is having sex, why not be different and start a new trend: abstinence. “Virginity is the new black” or “Abstinence is sexy.”
Basically, what I’m trying to say is you shouldn’t be having sex just for the sake of having sex. Stop rolling your eyes and really think about it. Do you want to spend all of your hard-earned money on diapers instead of saving it for college or a car? Do you want to have amazing sexual experiences only to realize ten years later that you’re HIV positive? Is it really worth losing an exciting part of your life because you got a little too excited in high school?
If you’re reading this and thinking, ‘well if I do all of these steps, people will label me as a prude,’ to which I would respond, ‘join the Proud Prude Club!’ Okay I wouldn’t really say that. All I would suggest is weighing the pros and cons of giving in to that pressure. If the cons won, at least you’ll be a prude that doesn’t have gonorrhea.