In this generation, middle schoolers who like to pretend they’re not homphobic are almost as bad as those who choose to openly display their homophobia.  Almost.  I’m not sure if I would take explicitly getting hate-crimed or the implicit jokes people make about me and others in the community.  While the first has resulted in many deaths, the second allows systematic homophobia to become implemented in our society. The discomfort of being the target of these jokes, no matter the intention, is exactly why many in the community feel that being authentic around their cisgendered, heterosexual identifying peers would be unsafe. 

At a certain point, it becomes unclear if middle school boys associate anything with “being gay” other than a target for humor. In a survey I created at my middle school, 24 boys participated in sharing their views on the topic. The majority associated the literal meaning of “homosexual” with “being gay”; only six didn’t know, said they weren’t personally gay, or they associated gay people with stereotypes. Along with this, 23 said they were either neutral or supportive of the community.  So if they know the actual definition of the word “gay” and they are accepting of LGBTQ+ people, why is it that “gay” has become normalized within jokes?  

In order to further understand this, we must establish the line between a lighthearted joke and deliberate mockery.  Many in the LGBTQ+ community use their personal negative experiences, like questioning themselves or trying to fit in, to create jokes, as a way for them to cope and bond with others who have gone through similar experiences.  Personally, I’ve bonded with people because of our ability to relate our struggles and laugh with each other. However, it becomes a problem when someone who is not LGBTQ+ disregards those struggles in order to use the community for humor, driving an even deeper separation between the community and Cisgendered Heterosexual people. Because of this disconnect, cishet people have the privilege to make jokes at the expense of LGBTQ+ people so they have something to laugh at. 

Elaborating further on the topic of making gay jokes, the problem often lies in two things: using the word “gay” solely as a way to insult someone, and sexualizing gay experiences. The confluence of these two instances creates a situation in which gay jokes simply turn gay people and their experiences into nothing but sexual humor. Reducing gay people to nothing but objects to make fun of takes away the struggles with identity that people in the LGBTQ+ community have had to face, and normalizes the sexualization of young gay people. Encouraging these jokes at an early age limits the recognition of these individuals for being just that -- individuals.  It keeps the entire demographic under one umbrella and leaves little to no room for self-expression.  

A large number of people who joke about this would argue that “there [isn’t] any real meaning behind it”.  There was one particular instance I remember, where a boy, for seemingly no reason, shouted “That’s gay!!”  He seemed to be shouting it at me, so I looked him dead in the eye and said, “I am gay.” And all he responded with was, “Oh.” Tell me, if there wasn’t any real meaning behind it, why was it suddenly awkward to be saying it to a gay person? Looking at him in that moment was like catching someone in the act of doing something they knew they weren’t supposed to. 

Most people would excuse this with “They’re just uneducated” or  “Oh I didn’t know that,” which is completely true. But acknowledging ignorance is only the first step. It doesn’t stop once you know you’ve done something wrong, and it definitely doesn’t mean we should enable this behavior without keeping people accountable. You say they’re uneducated? Then educate them. Those of you who have friends that display ignorance -- don’t just excuse them.  If you know better, then tell them. If you don’t, do your research. Don’t expect gay people to educate you on everything you’ve done to hurt them and make them feel uncomfortable.  

Educating yourself won’t be easy; there’s a reason people say ignorance is bliss. Because misconceptions about the LGBTQ+ community have been integrated into everyday life, unlearning those ideas will take uncomfortable conversations.  That discomfort in making mistakes and learning from them is the key to making sure LGBTQ+ people and Cishet allies alike can begin to feel genuinely safe around each other.