John Smith, a drug enthusiast found twitching in an alley behind the town’s old, abandoned grocery store, in an interview last week claimed that students should use ‘cognitive enhancement’ drugs to raise the ceiling of their academic success. Smith stated that caffeine, Adderall, cocaine, ecstasy, and methamphetamine should all be used to stimulate the body and mind to increase both physical and mental performance.

When further questioned about his beliefs, he claimed they were shared among his peers— mostly men around twenty years old, hanging out in their parents’ basements when not hiding out behind the grocery store. Smith expressed fear of those against the use of stimulant drugs, commonly called ‘uppers’, saying that the media brainwashes society and prevent others from reaching their full potential. During his only year of college, he frequently binged on handfuls of prescription drugs and other harmful uppers to finish last minute homework or do well on a test, which he used as evidence to justify the abuse.

“If everyone were to finally understand how good Adderall alone, not to mention any of the harder stuff, can be for you,” Smith paused a few moments to itch at his previously scraped arms, “then we could finally progress as a society. We could learn so much more about ourselves, the earth, and space. We could evolve into super humans that can run as fast as cheetahs and fight off black bears. We could communicate with aliens instead of risking attack. We could even be friends with them; the possibilities are endless!” His voice grew more intense with each proposition until finally taking a break to catch his breath. “I just want everyone to be happy, man.”

Several problems in Smith’s logic prompted me to ask, “Despite all of the studies that show the risk of heavy drug intake, you still think it’s a good idea to use them? Tobacco fills your lungs with black tar and can cause cancer. Your stomach is pumped after ingesting too much alcohol. You can even be sent to the hospital for water poisoning. Is the lifestyle you’re living actually good? The substances you’re consuming are so much worse than tobacco, alcohol, and water.”

After chuckling to himself for a few moments, Smith replied, “No, no, no. I’m not saying that there isn’t a huge effect on a person who takes uppers. That would be stupid. They wouldn’t be called uppers if they didn’t stimulate your mind.”

“So what are you saying?” I asked.

“What I’m saying is that the effects are good. Listen to me. Uppers are good for your body. Your brain is running at a higher capacity. You feel things that no one else can feel. You understand things that no one else could ever understand. The cure to cancer could be hidden inside the mind of someone who refuses to take them. I got the best grades of my life when I was on them. I would have graduated with a C average.” I unintentionally sighed in disapproval causing Smith to scowl. “They’re good for you, I promise.”

“People that are against these types of cognitive enhancements want all of the power for themselves. They didn’t achieve enough in life, and don’t want to look stupid compared to everyone else. So what do they do? The president, cops, my parents even. They’re all trying to keep my generation from becoming better than they ever were.” Smith’s speech suddenly because aggressive. “They tell us not to pop pills so that they have the power forever. We are their slaves and they are our masters. But taking some addy expands my mental limits. I’ll prove everyone wrong.”

I was slightly confused about his tangent. “Your conclusions seem a bit extreme.” Smith’s eyebrows furled in agitation.

“You don’t understand. The generations before us don’t understand. No one understands. They were too afraid to let go and live a little bit, so of course they would be jealous. If you had a chance to save the world, wouldn’t you do it? Uppers could end world hunger if we really wanted them to. But the government is keeping this stuff hidden away so that the people have to rely on the state.” Smith paused to gather his thoughts until his eyes lit up with realization. “In fact, I really think we should all be taking uppers,” he concluded.

“Why is that?”

“If everyone ingested at least one thousand milligrams of caffeine a day, society would function at a quicker pace. Put the elderly on some good meth and you’ll never have to send them to a nursing home. Pump the students in school full of ecstasy, and their creativity will shoot through the roof. Our doctors should be tweaking, and in top condition before surgeries. It’s the best possible solution to all of our problems,” Smith concluded.

Shortly after the interview, Smith was arrested for manslaughter when five students enrolled in a local high school, frequent buyers of Smith’s Adderall, experienced extreme seizures with lethal consequences.