When I was a kid (say, about six or so), Barbie was the reason of my existence. Back when I was very impressionable and…well…stupid, she was everything I wanted to be, and I believed I COULD be her. My dream was to have a hot varsity football player Ken-ish boyfriend, hundreds of friends, a Malibu beach house, and a convertible. But thankfully, my Barbie obsession / all-around worship was short lived. Now, things have changed. Now, Barbie is the spawn of Satan…at least in my eyes. Why did Barbie never originally have a job? Why was she never single? Why was she always blond and hipless? Did the everyday woes of average women not apply to her? I’ve realized now that Barbie is impossibly perfect. She is an unattainable role model for little girls everywhere. But who wants to be plastic? Who wants their face to be forever frozen in a bright white perma-grin? Not me, that’s for sure.

I used to have this school Barbie, a College Barbie of some sort. She was, undeniably, a nerd. She had brown hair, no lipstick, and NO EARRINGS! She was undeserving and therefore deprived of these luxuries because she chose books and school over looks and popularity. That kind of bothers me, but I guess that’s what it all comes down to in the end, really, at least in the Barbie world…pretty or smart. Make the choice, sad as it may seem. After my childish mind absorbed that information, I went on a crazed rampage. I destroyed every single Barbie I owned, chopping their beautiful blond hair off with a pair of dull scissors. I proceeded to throw them in the garbage can, later claiming to my confused mother that I was “too old for Barbie.” Later that night, tears of betrayal streamed down my chubby cheeks…what if everything in my life was not what it seemed? It appeared to me then that every single thing I had faith in had turned out to be nothing but a joke: Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, and now BARBIE?! What was the world coming to? But I quickly moved on, as kids tend to do, and that’s why I have banned Barbie from my life forever. Barbie: Just Say No!