has given me

a million
reasons to despise
my big sister.

It’s not her
fault that she’s the way
she is,
she was just born like that.

I try and
tell people this.
I tell anyone who has
that questioning look
that disapproving glare
that boldness that is so
ignorant that it takes all
my effort to keep
my voice level.

Even though she is
the way she is,
I don’t quite mind
it very much.

flies right over his head like
a free bird. He swipes
at it like a desperate cat
but it’s way out of his reach.

I laugh as his face distorts
with frustration. It reminds me
of my favorite Sunday
cartoon: Tweety Bird and Sylvester.

The ball becomes tight
around the pole. I hold up
five fingers triumphantly
in the air. Henry’s shoulders sag.

“Want a rematch?” I ask.
“I think it’s time for lunch” he starts
walking toward the school, and I see
he’s right. Other kids are doing the same.

I run to catch up with him.
“Are you angry at me?”
“No. I’m just hungry, that’s all.”
“Me too.” I agree.

We begin lining up to
go into the torture house.
It’s where they make us do stupid
work and treat us with no respect.

But it’s lunch time so everything is good
for about thirty minutes.

Jessica runs over
to where Henry and I are sitting.
She sets her tuna fish sandwich
down next to Henry to save her seat.

Her sandwich waits alone
wrapped in aluminum foil,
sending harsh aromas
into the air around it.

She walks back from the lunch line,
sets her stolen chocolate milk carton down.
Jessica slides in next to us, bringing
out her unfinished homework sheet.

“Sooo...” she says,
“What did you get for number 1?”
Chewing on the back of the
pencil that suddenly appeared in her hand.

I look at Henry who’s taking out
his sandwich from his lunch bag.
His bright eyes lock on mine
for a second. We look at Jessica
slurping chocolate milk from
the side of her mouth.
Thick hair falling in different
lengths all over the place.

“I -” Henry cut me off,
“Don’t give her the answers!” Taking
a bite of his AB+J
(we’re not allowed peanut butter because of allergies)

“I wasn’t going to.” I snap, defensive.
“Then what were you going to say?”
I’m silent.
What was I going to say?

“That’s what I thought.”
“Well I thought you said you weren’t angry.”
I countered, slurping
ramen noodles.

“I’m just going to solve these for myself.”
Jess started scribbling down random answers.
“Fine,” I said.
“Fine,” He said.

was way too early in the morning.

She woke up.
When she wakes
up so does the rest of us.

She was crying and screeching.
It hurt my ears so bad.
I tried to stuff tissues in them
to make the noises stop.
 
But for her the noises
never stop.

She was banging on the walls of her room
and her door. Every pound
of her fist seemed to shake
our broken house.

Hannah wasn’t home.
She never really is.
Mom and dad tried to calm Carly.
But there isn’t much you can do when she’s like this.

I was safe in my room.
But I felt exposed, vulnerable.
I wanted to hide.
No. I wanted to be invisible.

The screeching stopped for
a moment and mom spoke.
“Don’t - put. The knife. Down, Carly.”
It might’ve been a letter opener though.

I can’t remember.

has been acting kind of weird.
He avoids my eye and
doesn’t answer me the first time I speak.

Something’s up.
And I want to know what it is.

I walk to his house after school.
We live only a couple blocks away.
I knock on his door 4 times.
His stepmom opens the door, smiling.

Mrs. Jacobson’s not super young, or
super pretty, or
super evil,
not like stepmoms on tv
she’s just a normal
mom - looking woman.

“Hello Jackie. How are you sweetie?”
I look past her light brown eyes into the kitchen,
“Oh, Henry’s not here right now, I just sent
him out on an errand. He’ll be back soon.”

I walk into his house
his mom moves out of the
way to
let me in.
“Do you want a hot chocolate?
It’s pretty cold outside.”
I nod my head
to say yes and in agreement.

She starts getting out the ingredients
as I sit at the island.
“So how are you?
You never got to teling me.”

Mrs. Jacobson mixes hot milk
and cocoa powder in a bright green mug.

“I’m okay.”
“That’s good, darling.”
She puts my hot chocolate
in the microwave once more.

“How’s Carly?”
She knows about Carly.
I know this.
Everyone in our small town knows.

“Carly has a hard time doesn’t she.
Has the doctor said what’s wrong with her?”
I’m not quite sure how to answer this question
or why she’s asking.

She sets down my hot chocolate
and sits down next to me.
The hot chocolate has five marshmallows.
Fluffy pillows just waiting for someone to lay down their head and rest.

“They do think she sees stuff.”
“Well of course she does, honey.
She couldn’t be making all that up
on her own, now could she?”

I’m not quite sure what that’s suppose to mean.

“I just hope the poor darling will get better soon.”

The door opens and Henry
walks out of it.
“I got the milk you asked for.
Mom?” I hold the warm mug in my hands.

“Jackie’s here sweetie.”
Henry’s eyes get wide, and looks away from me.
“Oh - Jackie.”
“Hey.” I reply.

“I actually need to go
now.” I leave my hot chocolate
on the counter as I walk pass
Henry and out the door.

I’m in the living room.

Everyone’s out.
Don’t know why.
Don’t care.

I’m watching the 5 o’clock
news.

I hate the 5 o’clock news.

The weatherman says there’s a 75% chance of rain
tomorrow. He says it’s going to be chilly.
He tells the “future” in percentages.

He lays out what he knows.

So can I:
There is a 92% chance Hannah won’t come home tonight.
There is a 58% chance that Dad will go to bed without dinner.
There is a 87% chance that Henry hates me.
There is a 66% chance that Jessica will not come to school tomorrow.
There is a .001% chance that I will ever make sense of my life.

We’re walking on the brook path.

Mom,
Carly,
Me.

We stop to listen to birds chirp,
climb big rocks
have picnics.

The sun shines a friendly glow
on our backs,
our smiles even brighter.
Gentle breezes whispering to the trees.

Carly finds the perfect stick.
Thick but not wide.
Short but stubby.
Easy to see but light enough to travel.

Racing to the middle of the creaking bridge
and she lets go.

The perfect stick flies through the air.
I don’t know if it’s forward or backward
upside down or rightside up.

It’s constantly turning while
cutting through the breeze.

Then it hits the water.

And keeps going.

Rushing to the
other side of the bridge
we see it traveling through.
“Again! Again! Again!”
We do it again and again and again.
Until mom tells us to
“stop, we have to get going”

Each time Carly found a perfect stick.
So perfect
I could’ve sweared it was the same one.

Now I realize it was.

that the Earth was flat?”
“Then I would call you a liar.” Jessica replies.
I peer between the peep holes of the tree house’s
wooden walls, surveying the outside area.

“No, no! I have a good one.” Henry stops carving marks into
the tree trunk with his swiss army knife to look at us,
“What if I told you that you were going to die tomorrow.”
“Then I would tell you that my mom’s been saying
that for some time now.”
“Ha. Ha. Come on Jess. Actually say a real answer
or stop answering for us.”
Jessica rolls her eyes.

“Ok. My turn.” Jessica’s eyes
have a mischievous spark in them.
“What if I told you your dad was cheating on
your mom for a year and a half with Meredith?”

“What. Are. You. Talking about?!” I could feel
my face becoming red.
I don’t allow people to push around my family
like they let people push them.

And mom had proven to me dad wasn’t
going behind her back, and
being with other women.
Especially Meredith.

“Get over yourself, Jackie.
I was talking to Henry.”
We both looked at him.
Henry shrunk back into wooden wall.

I looked straight at Jess
staring daggers in her direction.
Jess shrugged.
Turned around
and jumped out of the treehouse.
She landed silently

“Sorry. She’s being a real jerk today.”
I think I mumbled something like it's not your fault.

“Let’s go inside and get some hot chocolate.”
We climbed down the latter.
We walked through the garage door
and there was Jessica, waiting.

I saw her, but Henry didn’t and
he almost peed his pants he screamed so loud.
Jessica and I started cracking up while his eyes turned big,
in shock.

They really do make me laugh.

I walk home from school.

Every day.

I don’t want to walk with
Henry and Jessica today.

They’ve been whispering all day.
Passing notes in class.
Haven’t said a word to me.

Today I try a new way of walking home.
I do this sometimes.

I go behind the school and then to the right.
I walk into the forest and I hear voices.
They’re coming towards me.

There’s laughing
         in front of me is
Hannah with Jake’s arm draped over her shoulder.
A few of their friends are with them as well.

Jake didn’t notice me until we’re standing
five feet apart.

Hannah noticed way before that,
but didn’t show it until now.

“Go home.” Hannah turned around and walked away.

“Hey Jake.” I said.
He stared at me for a few seconds
and then looked back at Hannah.

“Hey Hannah! Why is your little sister here?  
She isn’t the crazy one right?”
I took a sharp breath in.
I glare at my sister’s dumb boyfriend.

That’s when I saw him.
Out of the corner of my eye.

Tall.
Maybe 6'4"
Dark.
Black shirt and jeans hanging
from his lengthy figure
In the shadows.

He moves slightly
Light hits his face.

Then I see

The long thick gash running through
His right eye looks infected, almost rotting
His lip, swollen and bruised
A big chunk of hair missing
Like it was pulled from his head

He looks like a starving coyote
Lost from his pack.

His working eye looks somewhere in the distance.
And then at me.

I turn around and run away
Not caring about the laughter that
follows me.

Carly loves to seek.

I don't mind hiding.
It makes her happy.

I hide behind the couch
"151617181920!"
I hear her snapping her fingers.
"Behind the couch!"

She knows every time.

Carly told Them to come outside.

I thought she meant me.
I was too young to understand.
About what she sees.

"Let's play outside!"
I agreed.

We went outside skipping.
She started spinning in circles and giggling.
I copied her, my arms spread wide. to the sky

When she stopped she looked at me,
Blinking her left eye, smiling.

I tried to blink my eye.
I wanted to be just like her.

"I don't want to climb the tree."
She pouted.

I tilted my head and looked at her
my eyes growing big in question

"I don't want to climb the tree!"
She turned around.
Long, brown, wiry, hair whipped
an arc behind her.

She yelled,
"I DON'T WANT TO CLIMB THE TREE!"

Carly broke down in tears
head down.
Blinking that left eye.
Blink. Blink. Blink.

She walked over to the tree.
Blink

She held on to low branches,
pulling herself up.
Blink.

Feet on the lowest branches.
Blink

Mid way up the tree.
Blink

Two more branches and she’d be
as high as the branches could support.
Blink

Stopped at the top, about 17 feet up.
Blink

Stopped. Sobbed. Climbed higher.
Blink

The tree branch supporting her snapped.

I looked away before I could see her blink again.
I stumbled inside the house, screaming,
as my sister’s body fell like a rag doll,
hitting the branches as she made her descent.
Slicing open the right side of her face.

It was so long ago it was like a dream.
But Carly has the scar to prove it.

  i wake up.

grab    my bag.
grab    my jacket.
grab   the notebook.

leave at 4:32, while everyone’s still asleep.

people people people

why won’t they just SHUT UP

blabbering
meaningless
  words.

just sounds that
escape
their mouths.

passing people in the l o n g hallways of school
is like passing ghosts

i’m
a ghost

i shout:
“I HAVE A GUN!”

no one even looks my way.

“come on” he wines,

“pack up faster.”

“shut up. i’ll pack up as
fast as i want.”

my phone rings.

it’s sam.
i
  d r
       op  my bag
and answer my phone.

jake’s thick, dark eyebrows furrow in
frustration.
                           
i smile as i pick up
my phone.

“hey sam, what’s up?” “we’re in line to order now.” “good.”

i look over at jake who’s giving me the evil eye.
i turn back towards my bag.
something shiney down the hall catches my eye.

“two slices, barbecue with chicken, extra cheese, extra barbecue, extra chicken, with mayo and ketchup on the side?” i pause, impressed, “yup. sounds about right.”

i hang up the phone
no one else remembers my regular pizza order
 
i look back over my shoulder and see
    the same shiney object.

a penny, head side up.
i pick it up and examine it quickly before putting it in my pocket.
“hurry up han!”
“i’m coming! jesh.
someone needs to learn a little about patience.”

“whatever.” he says, i look at him.
“sorry.” he mumbles.

sometimes you’ve got to say what’s on your mind
  if you wanted to know anything about me don’t go to marlene-
      she’s the only one i tell real stuff about myself

she’s kind of my best friend...
that has to listen to me.
that’s her job.

“so, marlene...”
“yes?”
“if you went to such fancy colleges how’d you end up in a crappy town like sardensis, new york?”
“i like it here. i can smell the weather stronger here than anywhere else i’ve been.”
“i don’t know how long i can stay here. my family...”
“they need you and love you, hannah. it might not seem like it, and you might not feel it, but they do. stay strong, for them.”
“i should head back to class now”
“i think that would be good...”
i stand up to leave her office. her walls aren't very decorated - she hasn’t been a guidance counselor very long.
“and hannah - have you been feeling better?”
“i’m fine. i’m always fine.”
i push in my chair and grab my grey backpack.
marlene smiles
so i smile back.

i believe that teenagers should all get a full night sleep - which means about 9 hours of sleep a night...

which is impossible.
especially when you don’t
     feel safe sleeping
          in your own
house.

“stupid” “dumb” anyone would think. well they’re wrong.

     i switch off;     benn’s huge house one night,
liz let’s me crash on her couch sometimes,
mostly i sleep in marlene's basement,
one time i even stayed at my sister’s friends house - the millers?
i get a fine amount of sleep most nights.

i walk down a few blocks to get to her house,
the are lights on - i can stay tonight.
i can never tell whether the
red door
looks darker
     or lighter
in the daylight, or in the night
the darkness surrounding it making it stand out.
i walk away from the red door and unlatch the white fence.

marlene’s light grey house is cozy, and well kept
looking at the small flowers growing in the lawn, and the moss covered brick walkway of the house, from three quarter view by the fence
      i realize;
this is what i want home to be like.
this is what i want home to feel like.

i slip through the fence.
  i reach in my sweatshirt pocket for the keys
     my hands came up empty
    i remember putting the keys
    in my pocket,
i can’t wake up marlene now

i climb into the vacated swingset
lay down
       sigh
      breath in; one two three four
      hold; one two
      breath out; one two three four five six
      breath in; one two three four
      hold; one two
      breath out; one two three four five six

i curl up my legs and pull my sweater over them.

               breath in; one two three four
                 hold; one two
                 breath out; one two three four five six

fine is can be the best word ever...


if you know how to use it.

“did you like the movie?”
“it was fine”

“how are you, today Miss Haines?”
“fine”

“how does my hair look?”
“it looks fine”

what do i mean by fine?

that’s exactly the point...
i don’t tell you.