Thank you so much for the detailed feedback, and I'm really glad you didn't shy away from brutal honesty! And you're right; I do have a tendency to be really long-winded with my writing. I mean, I can never hope to be the next Ernest Hemingway, but I can at least try to make my sentences and paragraphs shorter and more direct, and I definitely need to worry less about making the story poetic and beautiful, because that's undoubtedly part of the problem. Thanks again for the feedback; it means a lot to me that you took the time to read this and give me some thoughtful tips instead of just saying, 'Yeah, it was great, keep writing'! :)

Great story. You not only have a rich vocabulary, but you also use it in such a way that fully dipicts your scenes. I know, by reading around, that others have trouble accomplishing that. Furthermore, your dialogue is fluid and well written. I'm also glad to see that you added swear words at appropriate times. I know that some writters tend to stay away from them, but when writting dialogue, it's not a bad idea. No one has a perfectly clean mouth and using swear words helps the characters seem more natural and human. However, I seemed to notice that some of your sentences were comprised of unending amounts of clauses, phrase, and prepositions, compounded to the point of being inarticulate. This in no way doomed your writing but should be somthing to keep in mind. I think this sentense describes my point well, "Treacherous optimism consumed him from the inside out, blurring the truth about this accursed love, blurring the truth about Claire even as her emotionless facade turned to glass and her true feelings were revealed." It contains colorful vocab, but it is also, undeniably, a mouthful. I, myself, have also been guilty of runons, as have many of us. It's something I think its worth fixing when editing. That's my suggestion. Take it or leave it. In any case, you have a great piece of writing here. Thank you for you post.