My finger grazed the corner of my book and began to sting, drawing a dot of crimson blood. What luck. I began to stand up, to run the papercut under water or something, but stopped. Something smelled strange. Not like the crisp wooded leather smell that usually occupied the library but like the time my father had tried his hand in the kitchens and made bread that burned. 

I put a hand on the shelf behind me and slowly stood. At this time of night the library was bound to be empty save my father and I. I briskly tried to remember if he was still here. Had he come to tell me he was going to rest and I should close up or was that the night before?

The pungent smell seemed to get stronger and with a jaw-dropping feeling it came to me. Fire. My body seemed to work faster than my mind and quickly I was rushing down the aisle, still trying to comprehend what was happening. The old red, brown, and black books which I usually took such careful note of were completely gone from my mind. 

When my view was slightly less obstructed by what? I stopped and looked around. In the distance I could see the chair where my father usually sat but it was empty. I felt the urge to run to it, to touch it as if my eyes were deceiving me and I would find he still sat in his usual place but I couldn’t. 

Behind the arm rest there was a small spot of orange, almost an inkling of a flame. With horror I saw the shelves behind it which I had neglected to watch until now were ablaze with a deep red. I stood, transfixed as his empty chair was slowly engulfed, moment by moment. I could feel myself flinch as the yellow satin began to change in color to the deep brown hue of ash but every muscle in my body refused to move. 

My father was likely at home and I would stand here until the fire reached me too and slowly shriveled me into a pitch black fire of ash. As if beaconed by an invisible force I wanted to throw myself at the fire but I didn’t. 

I was walking away. No, I was running. My mind felt stunted,  unable to erase my fathers image. I was carrying myself to the exit of the building. Thick smoke hit my lungs and I coughed, barely able to breathe but I needed to get out. As the heat burned me I repeated it in my head: get out.

When I pulled the exit open, the air felt like ice. I stepped out and lost my balance for a moment. This didn’t feel real, nothing that was happening to me felt real. It was as if I was deep in a dream and soon I would wake in the warm bed as every morning. 

I fell to my knees and realized there were people watching. The Royal Library, the largest in the Northern Empire had spikes of flame jutting out of it, the whole building being swallowed, and I had just walked out of it. Everyone simply watched. Do something! I wanted to yell at them, to scream, but nothing came out. 

There was a bang as part of the roof caved in and I wasn’t sure how long for but I watched, too. Then I looked around but no one turned to me and somehow I could tell I had been sitting there, on the muddy ground, for a long time. 

 The building that had been my fathers life--my life--burned and I knew there was nothing I could do, nothing any of these people or any number of water buckets would be able to do now, it was gone.

When I was seven I saw my parents for the last time. I was at a boarding school meant to get young boys ready to “fight for the Haar” so I didn’t see them much anyway. Still, the weekend that a tall stranger who looked a bit like my father came to pick me up, I was lost. 

“Your parents are dead.” He said. Then he told me to get in a strange oxen-pulled chariot filled with officers in all black clothing and I did. He told me he was my uncle Michael and he would keep me till I was old enough to join the Haar Army. I didn’t question it.

The next three years passed in a blur. I learned to read and I lost myself in fictitious worlds until the day he told me I was ready. After another one of his clipped speeches of, Make it to the top like he did, he said “Don’t disappoint me,”  

I was thrown into a world of discipline, fighting, and preparation  for an imminent war. 

I did as he asked. Despite being small, short, often the underdog, I rose to the top. 

As I now moved up and down on the floor of my room, doing push-ups without stopping, I idly wondered if my parents would be proud of who I had become. They would, wouldn’t they? I was a Head in the Haar, I was in co-control of a battalion which was one of the highest positions in the most powerful empires in existence. I could kill people with my eyes shut, I hadn't lost a fight in years, I was willing to do whatever it took in any situation. 

I tried to think of more reasons they would have been proud if they were here but I couldn’t so I stood up, not having broken a sweat. Who cared what they thought? My parents had been useless addicts and without Michael I wouldn’t have the ambition or the courage to do anything I did today. I had seen the person they were making me into even at such a young age. I was small, emotional, and weak. I was over attached and afraid of harm but thankfully, that part of me was gone. 

I repeated that in my head once more as I walked into another room, I didn’t care about them.

I threw my closest shirt on, a black tank top, and shivered as a wave of goosebumps ran down my back. 

I took a long sip of water and lay back on my bed, listening for the bell that would tell the officers eating breakfast that it was time to go train. I didn’t really have any idea what I was going to do today but it was likely that Tanda, the other head of our battalion, and I would walk around instructing and teaching the various squads and their commanders as they worked on whatever the commanders had decided. 

It was our 194th day at a far inland base and we had yet to hear of being moved somewhere more interesting any time soon. The food had become stale as we all waited for another shipment and our moods were more sour every day. Of course, I was always in a foul mood but Tanda and the officers had been happy at a point… probably. 

The bell for squads to leave the mess hall and go back to their tents rang in three, loud, resonating clangs and almost immediately I could hear many disorganized footsteps off in the distance. 

I sat on the floor and opened the book which rested on a crate near me, my newest journey through the psyche of a fictional character. It was an old Novel from up North when the Northern Empire and the Haar were both very new. It followed a lawless man in a lawless town and the anarchy and lack of morals which ensued. I had started it the day before but I was already halfway through, enthralled by the story and the questions I could tell it posed but would not answer.

I seemed to find myself in every book. I didn’t think about myself a lot but somehow reading had become a means of self-reflection, a way of understanding myself through the characters on the page. A removed way of looking at things, I supposed. The current main character in this book had gone from a child throwing stones to a murderer faster than he could handle and now-- well now he was trying to cope with that. A pretty unrelatable book as far as those things went, but still interesting.

With the sound of another bell sometime later I was forced to mark my page and close the book. Standing up, I buttoned my coat and quickly threw on some black socks and combat boots and rushed to the door of my tent. I walked out slowly, trying to suggest confidence and an air of calm,which I did not actually have. 

I made eye contact with Tanda, who was exiting her tent as well. We briskly walked towards each other and met in the middle. 

“Morning,” she said, giving me a slight wave.

“Morning.” I inclined my head to her in a curt nod and used my normal, clipped and cold tone of authority despite her position as my equal. 

“I’ll take squads one to ten, you take eleven through twenty?”

“Alright,” I responded, both of us aware of the meaningless and arbitrary standard that random numbers presented. 

I walked past a few squads, resting and watching them with a look of disappointment for five minutes each. 

When I reached the terrain course, I stopped. It was a course consisting of a forty meter rope climb, a mud crawl, a wall climb, and 200 push-ups. There had been a bustle of talking from the station but it stopped when I came near.

Everyone now watched as a man named Bill began his push-ups. I knew him to be one of the weakest men in the squad so I began to slowly walk closer. As he reached fifty push-ups his arms began to shake and I found myself just behind the commander in a position so that he and Bill could not see me but the other officers could.

Bill kept going but after the intensity of the course I could tell he wouldn’t be able to finish the push-ups. I felt like a lion, stalking prey and ready to pounce when he encountered imminent failure. 

I walked over so that I was standing right behind him as his feeble, shaking arms moved up and down, just barely carrying the weight of his body. I made my way even closer to him, standing just behind where he was. I couldn’t tell what it was, maybe the faces of his fellow officers or my vague shadow on the grass but I could see his entire body tense and his push-ups speed as he realized I now stood behind him.

I ran my hand through my black hair once, (a bad habit), and counted as he reached one hundred, halfway there I spoke quietly inside my head. 

When I saw him finally go down for the last push-up he would be able to take, his face red and his whole body shaking, he collapsed on the ground. By my count he had reached one-hundred-fifty-one. I reminded myself that by Haar standards this level of incompletion was unacceptable and just watched for a moment as his motionless body lay on the grass, face down. 

“Get up.” I spoke in that harsh, cruel tone that I had perfected so long ago, it now felt like a second nature.

There was a short pause as he took a breath but he quickly began to force himself upwards. 

After three seconds he had only reached his knees so I let out a long, arrogant sigh and keeping my arms crossed I reeled back my leg and kicked him in the ribs, hard. 

He fell onto his back and I contemplated kicking him once more but decided against it. I didn’t want to stand here waiting, it would make me look weak. “Do better next time,” I spat, and walked away. 

I could feel his commander and the rest of his squad watching me with some combination of anger or agreement with my actions but I didn’t look back. I was their superior, there was nothing any of them could do. I smiled a fake smile to myself just briefly as I thought of it. They were all useless against me.

On that trip with Michael, the one where I was just leaving the boarding school on the Oxen-pulled chariot, I began to cry. I had been silent for days but reality was setting in and tears streamed down my face and I loudly sniffled without stopping. 

Almost instantly, Michael sat up straighter from where he had been, slightly slumped against the side with his eyes closed. When he saw I was the source of the noise he let out a short, bark-like laughs.

I stopped for a moment and in my weak, uncontrollable state I began to sob harder. 

Michael watched me for a moment then called a command to whoever was driving the cart and it quickly stopped. 

As all the officers watched in apprehension he gracefully jumped out of the chariot and it was clear I was supposed to follow so I did. I sat on the edge of it and pulled myself off, miraculously landing on my feet despite my dazed state. 

He pulled me by the collar of my shirt just past where the officers could see and before I could tell what was happening his huge fist had connected with my small head and I found myself sprawled on the grass, the world above me spinning. 

I tasted salty blood in my mouth and I could feel some more hot blood dripping down my forehead but I didn’t mind. I lay there for a moment yet I didn’t cry. I didn’t even feel bad. The numbness of my physical pain was so much more manageable then the physical hole of my parents that all I wanted was more. 

He lifted me up by the collar of my shirt till my heels were planted firmly on the ground and he got back in the chariot. I looked around, watching the trees move back and forth in the wind and somehow I knew what I had to do.

My tears were dry now so I smudged the blood into my forehead and tried to climb onto the chariot with all of my three feet of height. 

The officers in there looked at me and then back to Michael who was already sleeping again, wide-eyed. One of the younger ones offered me his hand but I ignored him, determined. 

I pulled myself onto the hardwood floor of the chariot I went back to where I had sat before but this time I was silent. Finally, my eyes were wide and alert. For the first time on the ride I wasn’t thinking about my parents. I ran my tongue through my mouth over and over again, wanting to taste more of the blood as it slowly disappeared. 

That was the last time I cried.

As the line of servants with water buckets continued to try and extinguish the vast flaming building, nobody moved. It was an attempt in vain and I wanted to tell them that but it would do no good. 

Once more I felt the same strange sensation as before, almost as if I was being pulled to the fire. In this odd and foreign way I wanted to just stand up and walk towards it, to let the dying orange mass engulf me as it had the books and everything else I spent my life surrounded by. Even from where I now stood it was hot but at the same time not hot enough. 

I had lived in that castle for as long as I could remember. It was the only one in the Northern Empire, where the King lived and hundreds of other royals and servants continuously stayed. It was large and a grand experience for my child self to explore. First, it had been my father, my mother and me, but when my mother died it became just him and me.

He was the librarian of the biggest library in the world. I had spent most of my childhood reading or wandering off alone. He had always encouraged me to make friends, introducing me to noble children my age, servant children my age, and at one point I had even met the princess of the Northern Empire. I didn’t like her much though; she was quite self-centered. 

As I got older he stopped trying to forge friendships for me and left me to my own devices. I began to help him more at the library as old age weighed down and things changed, got… quieter. 

I looked around. Had anyone told my father  that his library, his pride and his world, had gone up in flames? 

I walked  toward the palace where we lived, a small set of rooms in the castle, not the entrance through the library because that was destroyed but through any other entrance I could find. Maybe, I thought to myself, I could find  one of the servants and ask them if they had seen him.

My legs were shaking, they wouldn’t stop shaking. Something was wrong. Something more than the massive fire behind me, something about finding my father felt strange, ominous in that way that I had felt before but nobody else seemed to understand. I sunk to my knees once more, ignoring the mud now on my pants.

I closed my eyes and tried to picture the chair he always sat in. The worn brown velvet of it had been empty as I had run out of the building. 

Without warning my thoughts seemed to shift and suddenly, I could see him in it. His pushed back blonde-brown hair was so clear to me and his green eyes, like mine, seemed to sparkle for a moment. He had been there. I knew he had been there. 

Any last strings of hope I had been holding onto were gone, he was gone, it was all over. 

I could hear a scream escaping my mouth. It was horrible, like an animal crying out in pain. Somehow my voice wouldn’t come out as anything but a cracking unintelligible sound. I had- He- He was dead. 

I felt stiff everywhere, weighed down by some invisible force. I wanted to go, to leave this horrible place. Maybe, if I was lucky, I would wake up in my bed the next morning to his tea pot boiling. All of this would be a bad dream and I could go back to the way things always were. 

But it wasn’t a dream. 

I could feel myself scrambling to a standing position but nothing felt right. It was my fault. All of this was my fault. Had I killed my father? My head throbbed but everything refused to stop. I had killed him, I had killed him, I had killed him. 

I turned around and I ran. I needed to be somewhere else, anywhere else, anywhere that wasn’t here with everything I had done wrong. I wanted to run and never stop because maybe if I was fast enough, I could outrun the truth of what had just happened. 

I could barely see between the tears rolling down my face and my hood but there was nothing I could change. I simply continued to run, faster than I ever had, faster than should have been possible. Some townspeople watched my speed in awe but I just kept running. I ran past the town, to the woods. I ran till I felt numb, till everything was blank. I would run till I could rid myself of all emotion. I would run till it wasn’t true but it always would be so I would run forever.

When the sun finally began to set and the officers went to dinner, I finally was allowed a moment to myself.  I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath, leaning my back and head against a wide tree I ran both my hands through my hair and let them rest there, feeling the coarse texture of the black fibers and noticing the pressure my hands created against my skull. 

When I stood up, I kept my posture perfect and told myself I was fine, willing myself to believe it. I had been part of the Haar for nine years, I had been Head for five. I was fine, I could handle one tiresome day, even if my mind did keep going back to Michael whenever I let it wander. 

I walked out of the now empty forest with a grim, judgemental look on my face and I let my eyes unfocus until I reached my tent. 

As I stepped in I noticed a black envelope on the ground. It had the Haar seal engraved in red which indicated business correspondence. I crouched down, balancing on my ankles and inspected it for a moment. It was small and clearly from someone important by the paper quality and seal, but I couldn’t quite tell who. 

I had stayed with a few insignificant people at the Haar in the period between my parents death and joining the Haar but I didn’t remember any of them well. I would always beg to go back to Michael and somehow, I would always be brought back to him. (I briefly wondered if the letter was from him but that seemed odd, he had never taken the time or effort to send one before and there was no reason he would now.  

I ran the back of my hand over the envelope. It had that characteristic rough, bumpy surface that I knew to be parchment. I flipped it over and saw it was addressed to me, Rain Oreka Than, Head of the 53rd battalion, Sancra base. On the return address it simply read Authority, Haar Main Base. Who exactly was ‘Authority’ and what did they want with me? 

I took my knife out of my pocket, and used it to gently slit open the seal. 

My knife was on me at all times, I had sewn a small sheath into all my pockets and since then I had preceeded to even sleep with it to avoid being unarmed if I was ever attacked.

After I opened the envelope I carefully pulled the letter out, giving myself a papercut and just staring at it as blood began to dot the fresh parchment upon which my letter was written. 

This Letter is Addressed to the Eyes of Mr. Than 

In the wake of sadness at the upcoming retirement of Vector Sampson, the Haar’s current Senior Supreme Commander, we are looking for new, fresh faces in the group of five that make up our current Supreme Commanders. The Supreme Commanders occupy the most important positions in the Haar Empire and only ones who answer to the Supreme Haar himself, and none other. This is a position of high prestige known to all in the Empire and all in the world which will soon be our Empire alone. You are one of eighteen high ranking members of the Haar Empire who are being formally considered. Your presence is required in the Haar Main Base by October fifth for a studious selection process which will be explained in depth on arrival. Please discard this letter and know its complete contents should be fully confidential. Take any necessary requirements to fill your position as you come to the Haar Main Base.

I read it three times, my mind uncomprehending the obvious meaning. I moved my finger over it multiple times, streaking bright red blood all over the paper without even noticing. There were many important messages in the letter so I tried to organize them in my head.

One. Vector Sampson was retiring. He had been one of the five Supreme Commanders for the past twenty years. Other than the Supreme Haar, the absolute sovereign of the Empire and who it was claimed that nobody ever met and lived to talk about, the five Supreme Commanders were the most powerful people in the Empire. That made them the most powerful people in the world. 

Two. They were looking for new, fresh faces. The current youngest Supreme Commander was Dana Reha. She was 28 and when she had gained the position at 26, many people objected and rioted but any opposition had been swiftly eradicated. I was nineteen and yet I had received this letter? It didn’t seem possible. I wondered briefly if I stood out as a Head and tried to think of everything I had done. I was cold, cruel, harsh, and ruthless. I had no friends, I didn’t care about the officers and my only loyalty was to my superiors in the Haar which already were few. Was that what they were looking for in a Supreme Commander?

Three. I would have to go through a selection process against seventeen others at the Haar Main Base. Did that mean I would see Michael again? I hadn't seen him since I was ten but he was one of the current Supreme Commanders and there was no way he could forget me, we were family.

The other three Supreme Commanders were three people who I knew to be Dana Reha, a woman named Scarn  whose surname was unnecessary and unknown, and a man named Alcabey Hector who would also likely retire soon. Though I had lived with Michael for so long, I had never met any of them, they always had more important matters to deal with than myself. They all had a reputation for being cruel, unforgiving, and cold as stones. Maybe I would fit in perfectly there.

I started a fire in the small pit in front of me. I watched as the small flames began to grow, just barely, but after a few minutes they felt large and moving, the kind of flames that would be referred to as ‘dancing.’ Maybe they were.

I ripped the letter in half vertically. I had it memorized now. I threw it into the fire alongside the envelope and watched as first a small corner caught flame and within moments the whole paper was engulfed and my letter was no more, distant as if it would have just been a dream. Not a good dream or a bad dream, just a dream. 

Grabbing my book, I stood up, resolving to read it until the lights in the other tents went out and I too would know, it was time to sleep. 

---

Five hours later, I still lay in bed, rolling over occasionally and unable to drift into the unconscious. The last thing I remembered from my book was how The hero had just been caught by the cops but when asked if he was repentant his whole body had begun to shake in large, racking movements. 

As I attempted to fall asleep I had been trying to understand his actions but the more I thought about it, the less sense it made. I was caught in a tormented cycle. My mind went back to the Supreme Commander consideration as I had spent all night forcing it not to. I would go, I would try my best to get through the selection process, and I would try to get by. I didn’t need to overthink it.

But of course, I kept overthinking it. 

Finally, I got out of bed, giving up my last hope that I would be able to sleep through the night. I walked over to the fire and let  the heat beat against me. 

After a while, I put on some cargo pants and a black jacket and slipped outside. I began to jog away from the base. I tried to think of somewhere, anywhere I could go but the only place that occurred to me was a small water hole which I had passed on an early morning run the day before. 

I reached it after four miles, still failing to break a sweat. 

I stopped running and just admired it for a moment. I stood in front of a large pond, a small stream was running in one side and out another making a small trickling sound which created background noise that just presented such an air of calm.

The moon was bright and blinding above me, full tonight in a way I couldn’t remember ever seeing before. I looked carefully for a moment and didn’t move. I could see some darker areas amidst the bright white, like creases in fresh linen. 

I looked into it and felt something like never before, almost as if the physical of my soul was being sucked out of my body and yet here I stood, unmoving.

Slowly I bent down, not looking away, and pulled off one shoe, then another. I stripped both of my socks without looking at them, letting them roll off of me gingerly. I took the knife out of my pocket and dropped it without watching as I heard it clang against the rock on which I stood. I carefully pulled my jacket off, following it with all the other tangible clothes draped around me so unnecessarily. 

All around me was the chirp of crickets, the rustle of the wind on the trees and the water, now louder. The sounds mixed together to create an eerily beautiful symphony, one that no one but me would ever quite hear like this again. 

My eyes burned with my unrelenting intense stare but I didn’t mind, pain had become a part of me at this point and in a way, it was welcome. Pain was grounding, it was a reminder that I was home and safe. I was where I needed to be. 

I took another step forward, my toes were now on the edge of the dark and murky water. I let my gaze shift to the moon's reflection. It was ribbed and strangely shaped, more flat than the actual object in the sky. 

I looked down and saw my own reflection. A man with my eyes watched me, shape changing slightly with the ever-moving water. I touched my hands to my face, was this what I looked like? I couldn’t remember my hair being nearly this long or my chine having quite as sharp of a shape as it did now. 

I touched a toe to the water. It felt as if it were ice but weak, breaking under my foot and allowing me to slowly sink in.I stepped with another foot and the water lapped over it once more, feeling like thick frozen sheets of air slowly surrounding my foot. As I sunk deeper I could feel it reach my ankle, the water was cold but I liked it. It hurt but that was the best part. 

When I was staring at the moon, painful, icy water surrounded me, my mind was there and nowhere else. I didn’t think about the letter or consideration or what that meant. My mind never once grazed the thought of the battalion, all the things we had to do, everything that was wrong, everything I needed to fix.

I took another step and my feet felt heavier than before. My eyes were still burning, interlocked with the moon. It felt almost safe, like I knew the moon and it would be there, a constant. The small speckled dots on it, the deeper, slightly more grey areas and the lighter, beautiful white. It blended together so beautiful to make this being we called the moon. 

It was like a small rock, just out of arm's reach but no matter how long I could walk towards it, I would never grasp it.

I shivered as water covered my waist. It was a large, physical shiver that I could feel all throughout me. It was the type of shiver where when I watched the water after, I could see small ripples emanating out from where I stood. Slowly, they became smaller and smaller till a few meters from me, they had disappeared and any proof of where I stood was gone. 

As the water reacher higher on me I was confronted with a new feeling, a different one. It was a feeling of calm and simplicity that had never been able to linger for long. I leaned back a bit felt  the warmth ease through me. Something was changing, something was going to change. I didn’t know what or how but in the strangest way, I was sure of that.

As the water reached the nape of my neck I was reminded of a sensation that, touch-starved my entire life, I had never had. I had never felt a hug, like they describe in in books. I longed for it; inexplicably wanting something I had never had.

But just as quickly, I scolded myself. I didn’t want that and I didn’t need that. I didn’t have the luxury of distraction, I was who I was and there was a sort of finality, inertia to my life. 

The water reached my lips. weak.

I could feel my dark hair, too long as this point, suspend in the water, right above my mouth. My face felt soft and in the back of my mind I knew I was shivering, but I payed no attention. I wanted to stay under the water, in the limbo between where I had been and was going. I wanted everything to pause, and everything to be gone. The cold of the salt and the sea, the night and the moon, were all I needed. 

As I leaned into I felt weightless. Like a strange suspension I was neither on the bottom or the top of the water, I was just there. I was floating and submerged, light and free in an entirely unusual way that I almost never had. This was it. This could be the last time I would ever be with my battalion, be here, be in charge, but why had I never felt free? Everything was always about going from one place to another, about the destination and never the journey yet here I was, in the middle of the water and it felt wonderful. 

When my face broke the surface it felt like a loud crack and I took a heaving breath. I had had my moment and it was over, I would go back now, to continue with the way things had been and to embrace the way they would be.

I stepped out of the water and picked up my clothes. I carried them till I was dry and then I changed. Back in my room I finished my book, and the next morning I left for the Haar Main base, appointing a temporary replacement but leaving no explanation.

I couldn’t quite tell what was happening. I had been running, I couldn’t quite remember how long for, maybe an hour, maybe a day. I had tripped over something, a root of somesort, and my memory went blank after that. 

I could feel something warm around me, almost soft. I flicked my eyes open and looked around, my vision still blurry. There was something that was almost a shiny black around me, acting as a blanket. I raised my head and looked around me. There was a warm orange fire vaguely crackling. 

I could tell the fire should have meant something, after the library and my father’s death and all, but I ignored that. I slowly rolled onto my side and stood up, bringing the warmth that the shiny black thing provided with me. 

I walked towards the fire almost on impulse and sat down on a log in front of it. My chest felt heavy, weighted down by something distant but very much there. My fathers image felt permanently plastered in the forefront of my mind. Images of the huge fire flashed through my head but I didn’t wince. I felt numb and warm all over. I was unable to move, not because I couldn’t, but my mind had lost the willpower.

At some point as I was lost in thoughts, a man came and sat on the other side of the fire. I was on the only log so he sat on the ground, not seeming to mind. He had long golden hair which almost reached his shoulders and bright blue eyes which he seemed to use to prod into me in an odd, but welcome way. 

He had a kind look about him but again I averted my eyes as I saw something in his that remained unexpectedly intense. It occurred to me that I should say something, that being in the forest with a stranger wasn’t normal but neither was the death of my father or the loss of everything that had been normal.

“Are you alright?” His voice sounded soft and I tried to focus my eyes on him. He looked just barely older than me and wore a pair of navy cargo pants with a tight fitting black shirt which had long sleeves. 

“Who are you?” My voice was cold and jabbing. He shouldn’t have been there, with me in a forest after the fire. He was strange and I didn’t want to be around him.

I considered getting up but I didn’t want to move so I stayed stationary. 

“Dolion Reha, but you can call me Dolion.” He got up and moved to sit next to me on the log. He had a genuine smile and for once I didn’t try to get up and back away. “I’m so sorry about your father and the fire-”

“Don’t.” I interrupted him, other people's condolences were irrelevant and they wouldn’t change anything so I didn’t want them. 

“I was looking for you but when I reached the castle, the fire was already there and you were gone.”

I allowed him a glance and our eyes met. I felt the intangible nudge for me to ask the obvious question, ‘why were you looking for me?’ but I didn’t so we sat in silence for a moment.

“It doesn’t matter right now.” He carefully reached his hands towards the fire and rubbed them together. The muscles on his arms were defined, as if someone had cut the shapes with a knife. 

I shivered once more, winter was nearly here and neither me nor this strange man, Dolion, were dressed appropriately.

“Why are you here? Why were you looking for me?”

“I-” He fidgeted with his fingers for a moment, “I came to recruit you.”

The words for what skittered through my head but I remained silent, marveling at the bright orange flames in front of us. 

“Do you remember when you were running away from the fire yesterday, how fast you went?” 

I mindlessly nodded. I remembered it quite vividly though I was fairly sure my memories were just dreams.

“Do you remember how fast you went? The way you leaped and you were in the air for a moment? You had to have noticed you were going almost twice as fast as most people had.”

It was true, I remembered the wind beating across my face as I ran into the dark of night. “What’s your point Dolion?” His name was nice, easy to say and smooth. It came out so naturally I doubted either of us noticed it was my first time using it.

“Well that wasn’t human, I think we both know that.” I didn’t know that but I dared not admit it. “I’m part of a group of…” his head tilted to the side a bit, “Sorcerers.” 

I let out a dry laugh and abruptly stopped. Was he telling the truth? I looked at him carefully, if he believed this, I was dangerously ready to trust him.

I thought about my father. About his lost face in the fire that before, I hadn't even seen. My breath began to heave, just a bit, but I stopped it. I couldn’t think about my father. I couldn’t think about all that had happened to him and all that I had caused. 

As if it were papers in a box I placed my memories away into the corner of my mind. He was gone, he was gone, he was gone. I wouldn’t think about it, I wouldn’t acknowledge him, he was gone. I would never be able to see his kind smile of ink-smudged fingers. I would never be able to ask him all the questions that came to me, about the stars and the castle and the old war.

I was in a forest, I was with Dolion. My father wasn’t here and he never would be again. I locked the box and reverted my focus to the idea at hand: sorcery. “Prove it.” 

Dolion stared at me for a moment then lifted his hand up and positioned it carefully above the hilt of his sword. 

His sword, I had only just noticed it. The hilt was simple and rested in a smooth leather sheath on his belt. He seemed like a fighter, one who could take me out in mere seconds. 

I fought the urge to cringe away as I saw his hand had stopped, hovering far above the sword. It was loose and relaxed in a manner that didn’t seem like that of a normal swordsman. 

I looked at his face and became strangely calm. He didn’t seem scary, he wasn’t a threat. He was just someone my age and- our eyes met. His were so steady, they were light blue and almost blinding in a way I wasn’t sure I liked. 

Our eyes drew apart and carefully, he began to raise his hand higher. The sword was there rising with it. His fingers moved like waves in the air and his hand seemed to pulse with a majestic yet intangible glow. He moved like a puppet master, manipulating the sword below. 

But I could see there were no strings here so I just shivered. 

I didn’t speak. I didn’t even have it in me to be surprised, I felt like a shell that emotions would even reach. I could do sorcery, I could do sorcery. I repeated it over and over again as if that would be all it took for the emotion to reach me. 

I was here. I was here and now and with him. I slowly lifted my hand and touched the floating blade. “Ok.” I smiled. For once it was real and I hoped he could tell. 

He reciprocated and with a fast, sweeping motion which made me startle, it was back in his sheath. 

He folded his hands in his lap, “Do you want to hear more about sorcery or do you need time to process?”

I gulped, “tell me everything.”

His eyes lit up with excitement and he seemed to forget himself as he jumped in. “I go to a training facility for sorcery called the academy. They recruit every sorcerer in the northern empire and it sensed you.”

I tilted my head to the side and he paused for a moment. “Sorcery, sensed you. Madame Pama, the one in charge, told me to go get you but she says it’s not her who sensed you, it’s sorcery itself.”

I nodded, in deliberation for a moment. “Why you?”

“It’s a tradition for all the final year students to gather the first-years.” I nodded and tried to make sense of his words. “I hope you don’t mind, I’m a bit late. We need to be at the Academy in three days time so we should hurry whenever you’re ready to. Once you're there, they’re going to teach you about the basic human manipulations, elemental manipulations, and how to fight with sorcery. That is uh- If you want to.”

I narrowed my eyes, did I want to? “Yes. Yes, I would like that very much.”

Four days after leaving my battalion and heading to the Haar Main Base I reached yet another town where I would spend the night. It was very dark out so I had assumed it was late at night but I had no way to check the time on my journey. I had changed out of my Haar uniform and into more normal clothes so now I just wore a light grey shirt, a black hooded sweatshirt, cargo pants and my usual black boots. As someone who had not had to wear anything other than the standard uniform for a very long time I found myself surprisingly proud of the outfit I had scraped together. 

When I reached the building with a sign in front which read “INN” I easily dismounted my black and white speckled horse and walked it to the well kept stable which was behind most inns. I had purchased the horse on the first night of my journey because I hadn't wanted to be obviously associated with the Haar on this journey, I wasn’t quite sure why.

As I saw the front of the stable it was clear some people had not had the same thoughts. Seven perfectly groomed Haar horses stood in stalls of the stable and I cursed my luck for having to stay in the same town as others from the Haar. There likely a Head or two as well because they were the only ones with authority to let officers leave their base. I silently prayed none of them would recognize me from the yearly Head meetings.

Once my horse was comfortably in a stall with food and water, I was able to walk around and enter the Inn. The bottom floor was a tavern. It was sparsely furnished with an old-looking bar and a few wooden tables but the first thing I noticed were the seven Haar officers sitting in the center of the room and laughing loudly. 

There was no one else inside except for a young couple who couldn’t leave without passing the Haar members and therefore, were trapped in the room. 

I knew I should have just gone upstairs and paid for my room in the morning so I didn’t cause the Inn owners any more trouble than that which I knew they were already in but something in me didn’t want to do that so I decided to slide into a booth and begin to look at a menu, ignoring the loud sounds of the Haar officers behind me.

I decided to get the first thing I saw, the lentils and rice. I tapped my fingers on the rough wood table, idly listening to the conversation behind me.

“Come sit with us,” said the gruff, drunk voice of a Haar officer. 

“N- No thank you,” replied a girl's voice.

I turned around to watch the situation unfold a little more closely. They were talking to the young couple, both of whom looked particularly frightened.

“She’s fine right here,” was the scared but annoyed boyfriend's response.

I wanted to roll my eyes at the stupidity of the whole situation but I didn’t. Haar officers were supposed to be strong, able and intimidating, but they shouldn’t have been intimidating to the very people it was their job to protect. We needed to help the people in our empire and kill those in the Northern Empire. It was angering when other officers didn’t seem to understand that. 

I tried to focus on myself and just ignore them. I shouldn’t be angered by some pointless arguing, I cursed myself but it didn’t make me feel better. 

When I heard a bang I turned around once more. The man was now pushed against the wall by two Haar officers. Their weapons weren’t out yet but swords were hanging loosely by their sides and I knew they could have them out within seconds. The man's eyes were wide as he stared at them. Even if their weapons weren’t out, he was fighting for his life and he knew that.

After a moment of deliberation I decided it would be only fitting to step in. I quickly strung my bow below the table and knocked an arrow, the whole time my eyes remaining focused on the Haar officers. 

One of them pulled back his fist to strike and I stood up briskly, not wasting any time and shooting my arrow before he could react. 

The arrow hit its mark exactly, going through the Haar officer’s tight sleeve and attaching itself to the wall behind him. 

Following that movement he looked up and for a brief second we made eye contact. His eyes were wide and threatening but I looked back as politely yet as condescending as possible. Now that I could fully see his uniform I became aware he was a Head just like me. He roughly pulled his arm away from the wall and the arrow fell out of it. Blood began to drip down his arm but he didn’t flinch. 

“Who the hell do you think you are?” He spoke roughly and with excessive volume for someone on the mere other side of a room.

“No one.” My mouth made a flat line and I put my arms in my pockets but I still stared at him, waiting to see what would happen next. 

“Do you know who you’re talking to?” He put no effort into his language and spoke in the low, dirty accent of the peasants, lacking the prestige of the accent which I had used. “I am a Haar Head! I could have you put to death if I wanted.” 

I chuckled to myself a bit and tried my best not to mouth something along the lines of No you couldn’t. Because it was true, he couldn’t execute anyone without permission from higher ups. I needed to focus on the only reason I had participated in this argument though. “You guys should leave,” I said to the couple, both shaking and slowly edging away from the Haar officers. 

They looked at me once more and I gave them a small inclination of my head so that they began to edge around them. “Let them leave,” I spoke in a now more commanding tone. The officers made no move to strike but they didn’t step away either. I was aware I was the more interesting target here and I was briefly using that to my advantage. 

As the door loudly closed behind the couple, the Head was brought back to his senses and he began to advance. 

As enjoyable as winning a fight against seven people would have been, I knew my limitations and these were Haar members. I would deal with them later. 

I gave him a small smile and ran up the stairs two at a time and jumped into the furthest room to my right. I slammed it behind me and locked it with all of the three heavy metal bolts that were available. 

I walked to the other side of the room and began to change. 

I stretched my arms back, grabbing my left sleeve with my right arm and pulling it off. I then did the opposite and lightly placed my jacket on top of my bags. 

I grabbed the bottom of my shirt and with two hands gingerly pulled that over my head as well. 

I finally allowed myself a deep breath and stood in front of the only window in the room, feeling the cool fall breeze bat against my torso. It gave me goosebumps but I liked it. I leaned my head out the window and looked at the moon, now rising.

For a moment, I allowed myself to laugh at the absurdity of all this. I was nineteen, and by no means the right build, yet I was being considered for HAAR supreme commander. Today I had nearly fought another HAAR Head, and the whole time I couldn’t tell him who I was. Of course, that venture was far from over. I didn’t want to laugh. The situation should have been funny but I didn’t find it so and my laughter held no emotion, it was raw and empty just like me. 

I stopped laughing abruptly. I knew what I had to do. I wouldn’t ever tell anyone, but that other Head was just useless and an embarrassment to the world. He was a problem I could fix. 

I lay down, back on the floor, right next to the window so I could stare up out of it and see the stars. I clasped my hands over my stomach, elbows on the ground. I considered reading another book but soon dismissed it. I didn’t want to light a candle here.

I waited for a long time, my thoughts cycling through vaiors ideas and situations, often resting on a question of the ideal world but I never seemed to be able to understand what the question was in that phrase or the point of the dilemma when books tried to prove things about how someone was always losing in those situations. 

When I decided it was the right time I stopped thinking, sat up and looked around, trying to make as little noise as possible. I couldn’t see a thing so I would have to feel my way to the door. 

I was still shirtless and without shoes but I had no intentions for anyone to see me. 

I touched my pocket to make sure my dagger was still there and thankfully it was. I put my hand on the wall next to me, and began to walk. I positioned it so my hand was a little bit in front of myself, felling the corner of the wall and turning before I walked into it. 

After another slow minute of what felt like walking at a crawling pace, I reached the door. I grapled for the handle for a moment and then upon finding it I unlocked the door and silently stepped out of the room. 

I surveyed the hallway, at the other end two of the commanders sat on either side of a door. In between them there was a single candle. 

They were likely guarding the room of the Head. Because there was only a single candle lit, they wouldn’t see me till I was nearly on top of them. I would have to make the most of that. 

I crept along the hallway, unable to see much but focusing on the candlelight and my destination. As I walked, I willed my steps to be silent and in some strange way it seemed to work. I felt as if I was watching myself from far away, I couldn’t hear the sound of my own breath but I thanked whatever force allowed me to do this. 

At ten feet away from the two officers I stopped and took the knife out of my pocket. 

I took off in a run for a moment, then jumped with my right foot onto the wall and propelled myself forward. Closing my eyes and trusting my instincts I used a backhand swipe of the knife to cut the throat of the closer commander while I was in the air. 

I landed on my left foot, catching myself with my right and using the speed from that to spin a bit and slit the throat of the other HAAR officer all within seconds. I felt the contact as my knife hit his neck, but barely. 

I opened my eyes to see if they were dead. They were. I had been aiming for the carotid arteries and it seemed that I was successful. I smiled to myself a bit, the whole endeavor had worked out quietly too. If I was lucky the Head inside would still be asleep. 

The two dead commanders were both slumped on the floor, motionless. For a moment, I had the sense that I was supposed to feel pity for them but I didn’t so I dismissed the notion. 

I blew out the candle. Without the outside light, the Head wouldn’t be able to see me come into his room even if he was awake. 

I could feel that there were a couple drops of blood on my hands but were minimal so I tried my best to ignore them. 

I tried once again to will myself into complete silence. I concentrated on it in my mind, all noise completely disappearing from my scope of reference. I took a deep breath in and out, sound didn’t exist. It didn’t seem possible but here I stood, proof that it was.

Lifting my foot up once more I kicked the door, hard. It was removed from the hinges and skidded across the floor but it remained silent. Of all that could have happened, I didn’t expect that to work. 

I stretched my arms, adrenaline coursing through me. I walked over to the Head’s bed, knife raised. Something about the whole situation felt wrong but I quickly brushed it off and in a quick moment I felt around for his neck. Next, I slit it as deeply as I could. I then placed my hand around his neck and squeezed, A technique that Michael had taught me a long time ago. I didn’t quite understand why it worked, but I knew it made for a quick and silent death.

At the last moment the Head opened his eyes and looked right into mine. His were large, questioning. 

I gave him a dry smile and all the light left them.

I sat on the bed for ten more seconds, watching him bleed out, head tipped back, feeling happy in my triumph.

When I got up, it was likely there was some blood on me but I couldn’t see it so I ignored it. 

I walked in the general direction of the door, hands in front of me until I felt the doorframe. From there I walked down the hallway, dragging my hand on the wall for guidance in direction once more.

I no longer worried about the noise I made as I walked down the hallway back to my room. Reaching it, I turned the handle and briskly walked in.

I went back to the window and lay down on the hard floor once more. My legs were shaky and unstable so it was a bit more like falling to the ground but it wasn’t a distinction I wanted to note.

Did I actually just do that? I asked myself, my internal monologue unintentionally high pitched. Did I really just kill a man? It wasn’t a hypothetical anymore. Had I really just killed him and had I truly wanted to?

I tried to steady my breaths and focus on the tangible. Yes, I had just done that but it was ok. I had planned it out before and I did what I meant to. Killing him was doing the world a service I tried to say.

Still, my mind was not at ease. I had hurt people by accident before, I was sure I had killed people in fights but had been different. I didn’t kill him, “in a fight,” this was so… premeditated. I felt bile rising in my throat and I jumped up, just barely making it to the small bathroom stall in my room before I began to hurl. 

I hadn’t eaten anything since the morning so it came up in small, heaving breaths which burned my throat but I paid no attention. 

Why had I done that, I kept asking myself. Just because I was for once away from any members of my battalion or people who wouldn’t recognize me shouldn’t have been an invitation for murder but it was just so easy. 

I vaguely felt like I should leave the Inn in the cover of night before anyone woke and found the body but the whole world was spinning and I found myself falling to the ground. 

I tried to grab for the door handle to help me stand but everything was backwards, morphing into itself and collapsing onto me. 

It was all out of my control. The wall was closing in and I put my hands up to shield myself but felt no impact. I needed to get out. I didn’t know where to go but I needed to escape this morphed version of reality and enter my right mind. 

I began crawling on the ground, the way I had always learned to stay low but the ground was shaking. It was pushing in and out of itself and suddenly the distance to the window was astronomical and I didn’t want to fall. “I don’t want to fall.” I was speaking out loud to no one in particular but if I died I needed proof that some inhuman being I had never believed in until now had heard my pleas.

“I don’t want to fall,” a whisper now.

I rolled over and closed my eyes, trying to use the old strategy where if I couldn’t see it, it wasn’t real.

And it wasn’t real but that didn’t make a difference to me. I just barely had enough sanity to repress my screams as this twisted version of reality tried to take me away. 

Without being in conscious control of any of my moments anymore I just let them take me. I found myself writhing on my back but then I was reaching in my pocket.

As I took out my knife I knew I needed pain to ground myself and within moments I was in even more dire need of blood. The world was still shaking, spinning, and warping in an unsteady pattern but it was ok.

I placed my right hand on the blade of my knife and I put my left over it. I pushed with both of them, trying to tighten a fist and letting out a much welcome gasp as it cut into my hand easily. I could already feel everything around me slowing but now I couldn’t stop. I pressed harder and harder and felt a warm sense of relief as the blood dripped off my hands and landed on my stomach, creating a warm, red stain on my shirt.

My legs weren’t shaking anymore so finally, I could stand up. I walked slowly towards the small cot but I didn’t want to stop squeezing the knife. I knew I didn’t want to ruin my hand a week before I had to try out for supreme commander but the pain was just comforting, it was like an old friend, here to visit me once more and I didn’t want to let it go. 

So I lay on my bed but kept the knife in my hand, not letting the fist unclench till I fell into the veil of my unconscious mind.

“Well,” Dolion said, waking me up from my uncomfortable sleep, “Here we are.”

We were in a village. I couldn’t see well because it was two in the morning and I vaguely wanted to claw my eyes out or fight Dolion for making us finish the journey tonight rather than the next day but at least we were here. Wherever here was. Somehow, over the course of the past three days during which our trip had taken place, the two of us had become something that loosely resembled friends.

“This is where your training regimen will take place.” He said proudly. 

Now that I looked more clearly I could see the village he was talking about. On our right side there were stables, many of which had horses in them. On our left side there was another wooden looking building, but what it held was unclear. Forwards a bit, there were four small houses on either side of me, and after a huge empty stretch of grass with a fountain in the middle. At the end there was a large house, the light in front on. Except for the small dirt road we had entered on, we seemed to be surrounded by forest on all sides. 

He gracefully slid off the horse and gave me his hand to follow. 

“I’m fine.” I assured him, jumping down on my own. 

“We have to bring her to the stable.” He told me, pulling out some sort of light contraption from his bag. It shone brightly and I watched it, intrigued for a moment. It looked like a glass ball with a bronze band around it and on the inside there were these tiny suspended particles, almost like sand of some sort.  

He unhitched one of the gates telling me “This is her stall.” He guided the horse in, petting her mane as he walked back around her and closed the gate once more. 

Following him, the two of us walked briskly to the large building. Unlike the other houses, this one seemed to be made of stone. 

We stood in front of a large heavy door and Dolion paused, looking at me with a Are you ready for your life to be forever changed? Type face; I nodded. I was oddly at ease with the realization that I was. 

Grabbing the handle with two hands he leaned back with all his weight and pulled. The door slowly opened and light flooded into my eyes. Transfixed, I walked in and found myself in a room brightly lit with pink light which seemed to be coming from nowhere in particular. Sorcery, I tried to remind myself The light is only sorcery, but that didn’t make it any less real. 

It had tall ceilings which were clear so the room felt huge. I could see every dot which marked the sky and made it glisten with it’s unmistakable shean. In front of us there was a large table. It had two stacks of well-kept parchment, multiple stacks of worn books, and stacks of the same silver cloaks that Dolion wore. Would I get one? There were also various articles of new clothing which all seemed to be either silver, grey, or navy. 

At the end of the table, seven adults in silver cloaks sat. They all seemed to be between thirty and seventy, and they probably would have looked nice had they not all been asleep in their chairs. 

Looking unsure of what to do Dolion cleared his throat. With a couple exclamations, all six of them were up. I could feel the air in the room change, somehow more filled with authority or something of the sort. I looked to Dolion but his eyes faced straight ahead so I followed suit. 

The one on the right spoke first: “Dolion! About time. Is this the young sorcerer? I’m so sorry he made you travel so late!” She now came over to hug me, arms outstretched. I immediately wanted to slink away into the darkness but I couldn’t. I tried to pat her back or something but had no idea what I was doing, hugging was an act that I had almost never partaken in. The woman had frizzy grey hair done above her head and a slim, distinctly weary frame.

“I’m sorry Madame Pama, we ran into a… bump on the way here.” Dolion gestured to me.
Oh my god he meant my father. Once again his face was in front of me, half covered by flames as he slowly fell below their sea. I could see him and I was just standing there again, letting him die, 

I could see Dolion handing the woman a sheet and I faintly heard a “Cade?”

“Yup,” was the only thing I could bring myself to say. 

“You can call me Madame Pama. I run this school and I also teach sorcerer history. I went over the words sorcerer history multiple times in my head, trying not to seem dumbfounded. Let me read your power level.” She put her hand out and I placed mine in it. “I vaguely registered an “Uh-huh,” as she began to talk again. It was something about the most powerful man alive, will the words level eleven sprinkled in somewhere.

“Don’t worry about that right now. Let’s just get you your stuff so we can all go to bed.” At this she glared at Dolion and I had to suppress a laugh. “Let’s see, so you want a bow and arrows,” I had told Dolion that on the ride here though I wasn’t exactly sure how Madame Pama was already aware of the information.

The other female teacher walked over to me and looked me up and down. She was a short and stout woman with particularly masculine hair and a couple partially concealed battle scars. The most obvious was a thin pink line which came up from under her shirt and faded at her collarbone. She then turned around, reached under the table and pulled out a large bow, and a quiver of arrows. Nice. She stuffly over and held them out to me.

“Thanks-” I began but she soon cut me off.

“Thank me in the morning, I want to get in bed.”

“Right.” I nodded. Though everything felt new and strange, this was probably a common occurrence for them, not quite as life-changing as it seemed to me. 

Madame Pama walked over to me again and handed me a silver cloak like they all wore. “Try this on.”

I did as she asked, slowly swinging the clasps over my shoulder. I pulled the hood on carefully, making sure not to rip the cloak which seemed highly delicate. As if a punch I felt myself hit by the strangest wave of euphoria. I loved this, all of this. The emotion seemed to overcome me for no reason at all but this, right here and right now, was glorious. The cloak seemed to flow around me in a wonderful, magical way and immediately I knew, it was perfect. For a moment I couldn’t speak and I felt my eyes get wet.

No, they weren’t. I blinked a few times. I was fine. Happy, but fine. 

Looking at the list she had in front of her once more she reached under the table and pulled out a new, empty dark grey messenger bag. She instructed me to take all the clothes I needed from the pile of various options for the uniforms which everyone was required to wear. 

There were all sorts of things and I could have had a really interesting wardrobe if I so pleased but I didn’t. I took a pair of black combat boots (the only thing that broke the silver and navy blue color scheme) and a few other things. 

She handed me a stack of books and a piece of paper which I read slowly. Half of it didn’t even make sense but that didn’t matter because it was sorcery.

“We’re going to go to bed now.” I heard a collective groan from behind her as the other six sorcerers got up, stretched, and began to walk to the door. “Dolion, show her to the primary year girls house.”

“Sure thing,” he responded. He offered to carry my bow for me but I declined. I was proud to carry it myself. 

I slung my quiver over my left arm and held the bow with it. Silver cloak still on my back, I picked up my bag of clothes and made my way to the door, Dolion on my heels. 

When we reached the grass in front of the main building I stopped and looked to Dolion for instruction. Understanding, he surged ahead and led the way. 

“Is your schedule like this?” I asked as we walked. It seemed so full, having seven full hours of training on some days, though I wasn’t against the idea.

“It’s different.” We both walked at a brisk pace. “There are six elements but chances are you’ll only be able to manipulate one or two, at least for a while. You have to go to all the classes though until you figure out which ones you can and can’t manipulate. Once you get it, you only have to go to those classes.”

“Oh.” I nodded a bit and out of the corner of my eye I could make out his grin.

When we reached the furthest house on our left we stopped. “As you heard Madame Pama say, this is the primary year girls house. You’ll be staying here for the next six months so get comfortable.”

“Do I get a choice in the matter?” I quipped.

“Nope. You’re stuck here,” he joked. I marveled at how easy he was to talk with and how close we had somehow become over the course of the last few days.

He knocked on the door lightly and when no response came he opened it, careful not to go inside. 

He took out his glass ball light maker type thing and shined a purposefully dim beam inside the room, making sure not to hit anyone’s face. There were three bunk beds and five girls. On closer inspection, the bottom bunk on the left most bed was empty. I assumed that would be mine. 

“Thanks Dolion,” I said, walking over to the bed and leaving him to close the door on his own.

He did, and now everything was pitch black. Sitting on the bed, I took off my boots and socks as well as my cloak and sweater. Since it was so dark, I assumed no one would be there to see me change. 

I grapled around for the bag I had just set down. Finding it, I tried to feel inside for the silky texture of the pajama pants I had just taken. Believing I had found something, I took it out. After a couple moments of trying to figure out what it was I concluded it was the pajama pants as I had thought. I pulled them on quickly and gave up on the rest of my attire. 

I still couldn’t see anything, but carefully I slid into bed without giving it any of it another thought. 

Filled with fear and apprehension, but mostly fear, I fell asleep almost immediately. 

---

The next morning I woke groggy and disoriented to the sound of a bell clanging seven times. Looking around me I saw other girls raising their heads from the metal bunk beds upon which they sat.

It took me a moment to remember but I was soon reminded that I was at the Sorcerer training Academy Dolion went to.

I sat up and found myself in a grey short-sleeved shirt and Unbelievably comfortable plaid navy pajama pants which I didn’t remember changing into. 

Around me the girls were wearing different variants of the same sort of thing. They all kind of looked around, some sitting on the beds now and others lying there as if they could wish this life out of existence. I heard one ask another about a speech at 8:30 and I vaguely listened to their hushed conversation.

We all sat on beds with similar sheets and blankets which were all some combination of navy and grey-- slightly different for everyone. 

I saw a door to another small-looking room which was likely a bathroom where I would be able to change so I picked up a new set of clothes and I entered it, peeking inside before taking an actual step.

When I was finally in it I closed the door behind me. It was light and airy with another one of those beautiful skylights, just like the one from the main building last night. The walls and floor seemed to be made of some slate-like stone. On one side of the room were six identical bins so I assumed one corresponded to each person. I opened the left most one and there were multiple things in it but I took out a towel, for the first time noticing the strange metal pipe sticking out of the wall and the level below it.

It took me a moment to process exactly what it was but it seemed like the showers which I had heard of. They were a novel concept which used a water pressure system to hit you from above and serve as a method of cleaning. I knew the royal family and some nobles had had them installed when they were first created, though I had never cared to know much more. 

I checked that I had locked the door behind me and slowly began to slide my clothes off, letting them slip from my body to the floor one by one.  

I stepped past the glass door which enclosed this “shower” and hesitantly pulled down the lever below it. Warm water shot out immediately and I yelped, jumping back. After realizing what had just happened my face turned very red. I tried to grudgingly remind myself that that was supposed to happen. As I stepped back into the warm water and let it just flow down me, It felt wonderful.

After a little bit of scrubbing it seemed that five minutes had passed so I turned off the water and got out, not wanting to take time away from anyone else. I grabbed the towel I was supposed to dry off with and did so thoroughly, pulling it back and forth over my hair with ease. That was probably the best part of having short hair. It was so easy to deal with, not quite reaching my shoulders. 

I slipped on my undergarments followed by the navy cargo pants I had got, designed for exercise which seemed relevant here. 

I put on the long-sleeved grey shirt which was more tight fitting than what I usually wore but still felt good. 

Deciding I looked alright I gathered my other clothes and hung my towel back up. My hair was frizzy from the pressure with which I had dried it so I tried to run my hands through its short length once more. I had to make a good impression on these other kids. Dolion had said it would be easy but I wasn’t so sure. I rarely had positive social interactions with people at the castle, so there was no reason this should be different. 

As I opened the door to exit the bathroom I came face to face with a small line of girls waiting to go next. They were… intimidating. 

Ducking my head once more I quickly walked to my bed, pretending to not mind their presence.

I should have been possibly trying to befriend some people, but it was early and everything right now was just-- well it was just a lot to process. I had been thrown into this new place with what felt like no choice and now there was nothing I could do but try to get by.

I set my dirty clothes on the bed next to me and rummaged through my bag of new clothes once more to find socks. 

I pulled the right one on, dragging it as high on my leg as possible which reached less than halfway up my calf. I pulled the left one on next, both times having to push my jeans up to make space. 

I grabbed the new combat boots now as well. If I hated this place --this “academy,”-- I could always leave after breakfast, I told myself, trying to provide some comfort. 

I had to dig my heels into the ground to get them into the boots but I soon was successful. They were sleek and black, reaching just below the tip of the socks. They had ties to make them fit just right and like everything else they felt quite durable.

I grabbed my sweater and, putting two arms in, dragged the neckhole over my head. Holding the bottom I pulled it down to my waist. Everything’s going to be fine, I assured myself mentally but I was too transparent to believe my own lies. 

I took the silver cloak and clasped it over my shoulders, leaving the hood down but the cape in its place part as usual. I did a spin and I felt a swell of pride. It was like I was a real sorcerer, whatever that was. 

The word sorcerer had morphed in my mind so much over the last few days. When I had still with my father at the castle, sorcerers were just an urban legend of sorts. But then, when Dolion had said it the thought had felt like an escape, a safe haven to bring me from my pain. The type of thing everyone longs for but never reaches.

But I was here now and it felt… I wasn’t sure. It was real and I was here and my problems, my father, all that was my fault, was becoming harder to ignore.

Pulling me out of my own head, I heard a voice above me, “You look great by the way.”

I was surprised by the voice but tried my best not to show it. I looked up to see who had spoken and saw there was a disheveled girl sitting on the bunk above me. She wore a long sleeved plaid pajama shirt and grey cloth shorts. They were the type of shorts that were about as short as underwear so hopefully she had no intentions of wearing them outside of the house where we slept.

She was pretty with bright green eyes, Sienna skin and this perfect brown hair which seemed somewhat long but she wore it up in a messy bun so I couldn’t quite tell. 

“The cloak I mean, you look good in the cloak.” She clarified after I didn’t speak for a moment. “Most people can’t pull off a cloak but you, I’m not sure you just look quite good in it, like you were meant to wear one, you know?” She rubbed her eyes. I noticed that her accent and dialect were flawless, a rare thing in our world but I refrained from mentioning it. 

I had no idea what she was talking about but she seemed nice. If no one else, maybe I could have one friend. “Thanks,” I said, trying to sound bright and cheerful, the way I imagined other girls our age would. “Did you hear?” I added, figuring I should say more than one word. “There's going to be a speech and food in a little over a half hour. Maybe they can explain all this sorcerer stuff to us.” I was simply repeating the words I had heard others throw around but it felt strange, foreign. 

“Oh really?” She remarked as I tried to keep a placid smile but looked all around. “No wonder everyone’s waiting for the bathroom. I suppose I should join them, It'd be awkward to come late to a speech on my first day.” She laughed a bit and I forced a giggle. She seemed genuinely kind, she would be a nice person to be on good terms with.

“What's your name?”

“Aurora. What’s yours?”

“I’m Cade.”

“Cool!”

Sensing this was a natural end to our conversation, I leaned back over my bed and began to make it. Soon, the grey sheets and blue blanket were pulled taught. With nothing better to do I lay on top of them and stared at the bottom of the bed that the girl above me, Aurora had just vacated.

Was I supposed to just lie here for the more than an hour that I had? The other two girls who had already changed were deep in conversation. I looked around the room once more. Only now did I notice that next to each bunk bed there was a wardrobe. I looked at mine.

I was about to call to Aurora and ask if she wanted the top two drawers or the bottom when I noticed the stack of books in front of it. I quickly remembered that they had been given to me last night. Careful not to touch them I stood up and read the title of the one on top. Adamique and The Start of Sorcery Interesting. 

On the top of our wardrobe I noticed that Aurora’s copy of Adamique and The Start of Sorcery was open and facedown. “Was the book any good?” I asked her as she stood, waiting in line for the bathroom.

She scoffed a bit. “I read the first page and it was dreadfully boring. Apparently he’s the first sorcerer or something. Madame Pama told us we would have two weeks to read it and write a report on it.”

“Interesting,” I responded, not looking up. Book report right off the start, I liked this. 

I picked up my copy book and began to read. 

“Cade, we're gonna be late.” Was the next thing I registered. Realizing the room was empty it occurred to me that probably about thirty minutes had passed and as Aurora had said, I should have been heading to the Main Building. 

Quickly I got up. Wow, the time had passed fast. 

Setting the book on the wardrobe I pulled up my hood and jogged across the room to her. “Thanks,”

“Hey anytime. What do you think this speech thing is going to be about anyway?” she asked as we stepped outside. 

The campus was beautiful, nothing like I had thought it would be when I had seen it the night before. The grass was green and thick, bursting with life and energy. Huge trees around the houses seem to glow, with long vines extending downward and now damaged nature anywhere to be seen, simply an example of the right balance between people and the forest.

The fountain in the center was made of a very old marble, like the type I recognized from some of the old relics in the palace except this one was shiny and polished, as if it had been kept in wonderful condition for hundreds of years. It was huge and beautiful, producing large clear streams of a water in three directions which looked so perfect one could mistake them for finely carved glass.

All the houses looked old and quite shabby, quite what one would expect in mildly impoverished towns. Some of the paint on the stone walls seemed slightly peeling and some of the roofs were missing a few pieces of shingle here or there. That must have been the point, the exterior was designed so no one would think it was anything special, not a sorcerer village of sorts. No, the beauty here was in the details of the small things.  

“What about you?” At this point I realized I had just subconsciously ignored a full monologue about possible topics for the speech from Aurora.

“Um, I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out.” I responded lamely, feeling a tad guilty.

She now eyed me speculatively. “Why are you wearing your cloak like that?” 

“Like what?” 

“You have the hood up and it completely covers your eyes and makes your face dark and I don’t really know, I just like can't see any of you other than the cloak, it’s like you’re hiding but you’re doing a really good job of it.”

I smiled. “Thank you,” I said as I opened the door to the Main Building.

Before us there stood a large long table which I vaguely recognized from the night before. The teachers sat at the very end, with the final years closest to them, the middle years in the middle, and the other primary years closest to us. Sun gleamed in through the skylight making the whole room out to be what I thought was deceptively joyful. 

The two of us momentarily stood at the door, unsure of where to sit. Aurora suddenly grabbed my hand, saying “Let’s go sit with Chena, he’s alone and I met him yesterday, he's great.”

I didn’t understand who she was talking about but still let her drag me. 

Aurora went and sat next to this boy who sat alone, intensely staring at a steaming mug of black coffee. “Hi Chena!” She exclaimed. 

He quickly looked up from where he sat alone and grinned. “Aurora!” He looked kind and had a bright smile, Olive skin, and shiny, messy brown hair which matched his eyes. He had a particularly lanky build and the edges of his eyes naturally tilted downward in an almost imperceptible but very distinct manner. 

My motions guarded, I went and sat across from the two. 

Aurora did some kind of introduction between me and Chena where I attempted at a wave. Chena was wearing an outfit quite similar to mine, tight-fitting grey cargo pants, a navy sweater, and the same cloak as everyone else. It occurred to me that when everyone was wearing the same colors, we would all probably look quite similar. Looking to Aurora I quickly took in her navy legging-type pants and sort of cropped navy sweatshirt on top. 

I was thankful to have a cloak on, for it successfully shielded the top half of my face, allowing me to completely ignore the two across from me as I watched some of the other people here. Already, I saw groups forming among the first years like myself. 

The other four girls seemed to be talking among themselves. With their strange hand movements and weird giggles I assumed it was something shallow. One girl specifically, a blonde whose name I did not know, seemed to be dominating the conversation. Her face looked smiling but fraudulent and her tones seemed sharp. She wasn’t someone I wanted to know. I decided I would have to figure out who she was. 

Two of the first year boys sat together in deep conversation, debating over a topic that seemed quite important to both. They both seemed like close friends, though the chance that they knew each other before they came to the academy seemed near impossible if one considered the percentage of sorcerers alive. 

Off next to them a bit sat the other three first year boys. They sat in relative silence, every now and then uttering a phrase or so and refusing to meet each other's eyes.

I liked doing this. I supposed it would be called people watching. Yes, people watching. It was quite enjoyable. I got to watch people's posture, their motions, their mouth movements, their expressions, and try to figure out who they were. Sure, I would have rather been watching all this from a dark corner where no one could see or know that I was there watching them, but this worked too. It was a pastime I had partaken in for my whole life.

I paid less attention to the older students, all laughing with their friends. They were carefree and draped over one and other, all in three conversations simultaneously. 

“Students!” I heard Madame Pama’s booming voice and all conversation ceased immediately. “Welcome to a wonderful start to our new year at the Academy!” 

We all clapped politely and there were some hoots from the returning students, Dolion among them. 

“I would like to extend a special congratulations to all our third years who successfully picked up the new students in a relatively smooth manner.”

There were more cheers.

“At this rate I’ll never finish the speech,” she muttered under her breath and I had to suppress a laugh. “Ok.” She perked back up, ignoring her last comment and resuming in the same friendly tone as before. “I assume that many of the sorcerers entering their primary year are confused by sorcery and the new experiences associated with it. A sorcerer is someone who can edit small parts of reality. You can change things about yourself, the world around you, and specific elements which change by person. Some people can change small things and some people can change larger things. Sorcery levels are measured on a scale of one to fourteen. If you’re here, your level is at least a four. However, we have a large range here today.” I could feel my heart beating faster but not in a bad way; the clairity I felt was unusual. 

“You will stay at this training academy for six months a year for three years if you so wish and qualify.” I felt myself becoming more and more inclined to stay here. “And when you finish you will be joining a powerful force of sorcerers who serve as a primary source fighting against the Haar and work directly for our King.” I found myself somewhat shocked by how concrete the words she spoke were but it spiked my interest and approval. I wanted to destroy the Haar, I wanted to watch their Empire crumble and I could do that here.

I watched Aurora as she paid attention to Madame Pama but her face became ever-so-slightly sour at the very end of that sentence.

“If anyone here doesn’t approve of that or isn’t willing to help us fight the Haar, your one and only opportunity to leave will be right now.” She stood still, watching the door but no one moved. 

I couldn’t leave, I wouldn’t leave. Now that I knew their purpose I was so fully in agreement that I didn’t think I would ever be able to quit. 

After a moment she turned her eyes to us. “Since you all are still here, I trust you will have what it takes when the time is right. War is close, we need to be prepared at all times.” There were a couple furrowed brows but I had known that already. I thought the imminent war, though not official yet, was already common knowledge. 

“Before we eat, all the teachers and myself will briefly explain our branches of sorcery to you. I teach sorcerer history and present war and strategy studies. We will discover and learn about our past as a people and use it to help us be more efficient in modern day proceedings. We will use the failures of those before us to inform us today and learn exactly what we need to do to win this.” I felt a shiver go down my spine, I was excited for that, Really excited. 

Next, a man walked in from one of the doors off to the side. He had short, curly black hair and a piercing in one ear. I assumed the vacant chair at the table belonged to him. “Hi everyone, my name is Chef Barnaby, the prefix chef because I cook and don’t sorcery unless any of you want to learn how to cook with sorcery but I really don’t want to deal with the added work that would be involved so please don’t ask me that.” He gave Madame Pama finger guns which were met with a sigh and walked into a room which I now assumed to be the kitchen. I smiled, just a bit, and marveled at the informality. 

The following woman who stood up wore an expression of annoyance on her face. She had short black hair, taupe skin, and appeared to be the strongest one of all the teachers I could see. I recognized her as the one who had given me the bow last night. “I am Madame Greta, I teach a skill which we here refer to as ‘controlling offensive magic through weapons.’ You’ve all chosen weapons so I will teach you how to fight and I will teach you how to fight well. We will infuse sorcery with it and those who try can become more powerful than dozens humans put together.” She looked around for a moment, “Thank you,” she finished and sat down.

After the polite round of applause died down another man stood. “Hello everyone.” There were immediately some hoots and he began to laugh, “Thank you, thank you but I need to be allowed to talk.” He was a smiling middle aged man with whitening hair, an under trimmed beard and a slight pot belly. “Gosh, after a mere six months away I forget how to control people anymore. I was just so child free all summer.” Slowly everyone started to quiet down. “Not that you guys are children but you need to understand that in my own mind, you all are children. You know,” he began to ramble, “My wife and I did get a puppy this summer. I suppose that’s pretty similar to having a child isn’t it? So maybe I wasn’t-”

Madame Pama cleared her throat.

“Right of course,” he laughed. “For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Gregory Shine but everyone calls me Mister Shine. I teach two similar but very different classes. The first one is Hypnotics which focuses on manipulating what others perceive and the other is Self-basics which is also called Reverse Hypnotics. It focuses on changing external things about yourself in many ways. The two classes may seem simple but the benefits of them in battle are immeasurable. Imagine,” He placed his hands above him as if it were a picture he could see, “If entire armies were completely blinded and at our Mercy! The war would be ours!” He looked back at us and seemed to come to his senses. “But no sorcerer is powerful enough for that.” He sat down abruptly. 

There were a couple scattered rounds of applause and the next woman quickly stood up. She had long hair which seemed to neatly form behind her. “Hello,” she said, giving us an awkward wave. 

Some kids yelled a greeting in response but generally the only sounds were polite clapping. 

The next sorcerer stood, she was tall with long hair and dark oak skin. “My name is Madame Singa and I will be teaching two different elemental manipulations. The first is Elemental Manipulation of water and the second is that of metal. Since most people already know about what these are, I can explain in more depth to the primary year sorcerers upon our first meeting.” 

There was more clapping from the students and I just barely noticed a swipe of their hands as Madame Singa sat down and the next woman stood, beginning to speak. “My name is Madame Katiana, I will also train you in elemental manipulations for both water and air.” She had large blue eyes and curly blond hair tied behind her head impossibly tightly. “I’m very excited to meet all of you who are new and acquaint myself with those of you who are returning once more. 

Clapping again, with an obnoxiously loud few hoots from particular students who were met with a frim glance from Madame Pama.

The final sorcerer, a tall man with oily hair and a particularly hunched figure named Mister Roberto, stood up. He began to explain how he taught light and nature manipulations but my mind began to drift elsewhere. I began to question a new future. This one. 

I was thinking of the future where I could be here, fighting the Haar and surrounded by decent people, doing the things I always dreamed of but never thought I could.

It wasn’t the one where I ran the Castle Library but it was the one where I was a sorcerer. Never before had I thought that was even a possibility but now it was, it was really a possibility that I had in front of me and I loved it.

I heard a round of applause and I was unsure what I was clapping for but I joined in to seem polite.

At that, everybody stood up in a hurried fashion and made their way over to the kitchen, forming a single file line at the last moment as people entered. 

I found myself behind Aurora and Chena and I followed them as they entered the kitchen. There were bowls and plates to our left and there was a cart with sections containing a few different types of foods which everyone was serving themselves. 

The main thing seemed to be stew so I served myself some of that. Aurora and I watched holding back a laugh as Chena made us wait, insisting he needed to pour more coffee before we went back to the table. All together, we walked back.

When I sat down I just admired the stew for a moment. It looked amazing, it had large chunks of meat and carrots and small cooked onions. It was more lavish then probably anything I had ever had before. I took a spoonful of it and it was exquisite. I closed my eyes and was transported. It was soft and savory, and each carrot or Onion was sweet. The meat was chewy and just salty enough. The whole dish came together perfectly and I swooned.

I had trouble imagining what this would be like, what doing this every day for the next six months would entail, or how I would even handle it. It didn’t matter. I was here and I would get by. 

Taking another bite, I closed my eyes again and smiled as I swished the stew around in my mouth. Wow, just wow. I gulped, letting the warmth drip down my throat.

When I opened my eyes, I saw Aurora and Chena giggling at me.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Aurora responded but I could tell I had probably looked funny as I ate.

I changed my expression back to stony and simply shook my head.

At this, both Chena and Aurora started laughing once more. I was surprised to find that without realizing it I already had friends. I had to smile, just a bit as everything began to look up.

I looked at Dolion, laughing with his friends as well, and after a moment he caught my gaze. I gave him a feeble thumbs up and he waved enthusiastically with his usual annoyingly charismatic grin and following giggle. Yes, I thought to myself, I had three friends so far.

I dismounted my horse and tied her to a tree. I could see I was a little ways outside of a nearby town.

I jumped off her and began to walk, my strides were long and fast. I didn’t want to be in any sort of situation like the night before which had ended with--I shivered at the thought of it--murder. I had never done it before and I never wanted to do it again, though there I had a gnawing feeling that the ladder wasn't quite the truth. No, it was. Murder was terrible and uncomfortable and not something I wanted to do but something I could if the Haar so needed. 

Surprisingly though, I had gotten over it. I had left my knife and bow at the Inn because after what I had done with them, they were suddenly foreign. 

Now, after riding a horse for about five hours I had come to terms with what I had done the night before. Not so much so that I didn’t get shivers whenever I thought about it but I could easily live with what I had done. I had killed a bad person and it was simple. The world would probably be a better place for what I had done.

As I walked towards the town I remembered the sun of money in my bag. I was completely unarmed but it would be fine. I reminded myself that the whole point of going into this town was to buy a new bow; there was a notoriously good blacksmith here at this time of year. I liked the Haar knives that I could get from the Main base but the sights and their contraptions on their bows were excessive for someone like me with immaculate aim and powerful shots from distances which I was told seemed “inhuman.” People’s naivete with simple but refined skills such as archery was occasionally laughable. 

With that I finally reached the outskirts of the town. The roads were paved cobblestone and all the houses seemed small and collapsing but I failed to feel any sympathy for the impoverished. 

I kept walking through the town, trying to get to the center where vendors likely were. As I watched the houses I passed, not feeling any particular way about them and just trying to find anything that could interest me. 

On top of one building sat a white dove, perfectly soft and still which I stared at for a moment. It seemed so pure and out of place among the grey tattered building.

A little boy threw a stone at it and the dove flew off, my momentary transfiction gone. I looked at the boy with hard eyes and he ran away screeching in laughter. 

Abruptly, he fell on the ground and his laughs changed to the passionless sobs of a child as his knees turned red with blood. 

I laughed.

As I continued to walk I noticed that the vines growing up the side of another white brick house seemed to create a near perfect circle and I just wondered why. What could have compelled something in nature to stray so far from it’s usual random patterns? 

I kept walking and ran a hand through my hair. I could now see the center of town, where all trade took place. I kept walking. I didn’t want to go too fast and draw attention to myself but I desperately wanted to reach it. Somehow without my weapons I didn’t feel whole. Their safety provided a comfort which I found myself scared and directionless without.

When I finally reached the center of town I was pleased to find that it wasn’t extremely crowded but there were just enough people that my presence would go unnoticed. 

I didn’t take the time to glance around and instead walked directly to the blacksmiths stand.

A tall, large man sat in the back of the stand performing an act that I could only describe as banging on metal with a hammer. He was known to be in this town all season so his tent was full with weapons and the tools which I assumed he used to make them. In the back there was some sort of boiling vat of liquid but I didn’t care, my mind simply skimmed over it. 

After a few minutes of waiting I cleared my throat but he paid no attention and simply stayed hunched over his workspace now working on something new which I couldn’t see. I waited a bit longer, telling myself that I couldn’t just get angry at people, I wasn’t in my Haar uniform and I had no power. I needed to just react like a normal person. A normal, unarmed person talking to a huge man with many different weapons within his close reach. 

“Excuse me,” I finally spoke, my voice sounded extremely taught but I tried to put on a fake face of neutrality so as not to convey my annoyance.

I heard a large groan from the man, whose back was all I could see. Reluctantly, he slumped down a bit and began to stand. Keeping with his sluggish movements he walked over to me and then finally stood on the opposite side of his table.

“Hi,” I got out through clenched teeth.

No response.

“I would like to buy a bow and arrows.” I could see on his wall he had many. “I’d like the most powerful recurve bow you have, a two hundred pound draw weight would be great if you have it. No sight.” 

He chuckled a bit and shook his head.

I had to resist the urge to chuckle back and throw him against the wall. Despite how weak I looked on the outside, I had spent tedious years working up to it and had been using it flawlessly since I was seventeen. 

He walked over to a wall and picked a somewhat dainty bow with a draw weight that couldn’t have been more than fifty pounds. I could feel my face reddening, maybe this bow would be hard for someone who had never picked one up before, but not me.

As he lay it down in front of me I clenched my hands into fists behind my back and shook my head. “Two hundred pound draw weight please.” 

He scoffed and picked up another bow. Again, it seemed to have too small of a draw weight for me but I was open to being surprised. There was a sight on it but I didn’t mind, I could always remove it myself.

He set the bow down again on the table, harder this time. “Try it.” He spoke before I could protest. I noted his thick Eastern Accent and wondered where he spent the rest of the year but didn’t voice my curiosity.

He pushed an arrow across the table and I lifted the bow up. It was sleek and well made but I shouldn’t have been surprised, he was one of the best in the world. I lifted the arrow and twirled it in my finger once. 

With an intentionally slow speed I lifted the bow with ease. I targeted a very specific inch of wood on his back wall and in a lackadaisical fashion I shot it. There was nothing particularly interesting about the inch of wall I had chosen so he had no way of knowing how exactly my shot had been. I didn’t need his validation of the skills I already knew I had.

He walked back there and pulled it out of the wall spitefully. “Perfect,” he verbalized, obviously referring to the bow and not myself. 

“I need another draw weight.” I didn’t speak with nicites like please or thank you in my speech but I had never had anyone to teach me of their purpose or of how they could have helped me in this situation. I spoke the way I had been taught, the way I was used to. 

“No, perfect,” he repeated. 

I slammed it back down on the table. “You have what I’m looking for right there!” I used my hand to point at a sleek black recurve bow made out of what appeared to be a strong metal. “Just give me that one.”

“No.” He shook his head once more. “That bow is for… big man.” 

I couldn’t tell if he was referring to a specific ‘big man’ or just a type of person with a build which I severely lacked but I didn’t rather care. In the past five years I had yet to meet anyone stronger than me and I was definitely not going to let this “blacksmith” push me around. 

“You know what-”

I was about to say some sort of retort I had yet to think of but I was interrupted by a tall blonde man in a blue shirt. He couldn’t have been any older than maybe twenty-five but his height made him intimidating. “Papi, is this boy giving you trouble?”

“The boy doesn’t want the bow I’m selling him.”

The young man turned back to me, incredulous. 

“I want a bow with a higher draw weight!” I responded, trying not to raise my voice as I repeated myself. “You have that one right there!” Once more I pointed but it was ignored. 

The man stepped over to me and squeezed my right arm. “See? You’re not strong enough.” I was aware I didn’t seem strong but all it took was a moment's focus and even the hardest bows were easy to fire so my muscle mass shouldn’t have mattered. 

“Yes, I am.” I spoke through clenched teeth and tried to pull away but he was holding my arm too tightly.

With no thoughts going through my head other than my need to make him let go of me I quickly turned and punched him in the face as hard as I could, watching as he was thrown a solid ten feet and landed, skidding across the ground. 

I saw him look around for a moment then his eyes met mine and he spit out a mouthful of blood. I had wanted the bow but now my focus was lost and all I wanted--all I needed--was to fight. 

A crowd slowly began to form, watching us, but it was unlikely he or I cared, we were too focused now.

He made it to his knees and began to run at me. 

In the few seconds it took him to reach me I was quickly able to see his plan. He had his arms out at a very strange angle in preparation and I could tell he was going to try and take advantage of my small size to flip me but that wasn’t something I would give him the chance to do.

Right before he reached me I performed a fast but efficient side kick which hit him just below his shoulder before he was even in reach of my hands. He was lifted into the air once more and fell into his father, the blacksmith, who fell backwards as well. 

The blacksmith's son was up again once more, not even bothering to help his father. He grapled on the table behind him and picked up the first thing he came in contact with, a beautiful long sword. 

I quickly rushed over to the table we had been passing the bow across on. I had to reach far but I grabbed a sword too. 

The moment it was in my hand I turned onto my back on the table and just barely blocked it as his strike nearly collided with my chest. 

Despite how perfect his form was, as a member of the Haar I had to sword fight constantly so I knew how to do well in a legitimate battle, not just a friendly brawl where everyone pulled their hits or lessons on form that his father likely gave him. No, I could fight, actually fight. 

I used both my legs to kick him away and smoothly rolled off the table into a standing position, my sword at the ready. Only now did I notice the pain that came with holding the sword in my right hand after how I had cut it last night.

“Who- who are you?” He asked, looking me up and down but for once not as if he thought I was some pathetic being who was below him but rather, in confusion and a yearning to understand who it was he was fighting.

“I’m no one,” I responded, trying to buy time as my hands grasped behind me for a small throwing knife I could’ve sworn I saw a few minutes before. “I’m just a traveler, going from one place to another with direction, but no purpose.” At that, my left hand connected with the cool metal of the knife and I made a fist around it’s hilt. 

I saw his father begin to get up, a knocked bow in his hand and I quickly threw the knife. 

It connected with the edge blacksmith's upper arm and pinned his shirt to the wall, forcing him to drop the bow. The man stood erect and watched me carefully, making no move to pick up another weapon. 

His son looked at me, now wide-eyed and I placed my left hand behind my back once more, faking as if I had more knives behind me to throw. 

He saw my gesture and immediately dropped his sword and lifted his hands, a sign of defeat over our bout which had been so brief. 

I kept my sword raised but slowly walked to the wall on my right where the bow I wanted hung. I switched my sword into my left hand and grabbed the along with its corresponding quiver of arrows in my right. I felt the eyes of the blacksmith, his son, and the crowd but I didn’t mind, I would never have to see them again. 

I slowly slung the quiver over my shoulder and, sensing my moment, I quickly dropped the sword and ran off without another word. 

Being in a shop filled with bows, I could tell they would likely try to shoot me so at about twenty meters away I got in one shot at the man I had fought. It hit just barely above his head, touching his scalp but not drawing blood, exactly as I had aimed for. 

I got just one glimpse of his face after that but somehow, his eyes were all I needed to know how he felt about the encounter. 

After that I focused on running. I ran quickly, and in my mind, I did what I did so often and imagined I could run even faster than that. By some likely physiological factor that I couldn’t understand, it worked as usual and I ran faster than should have been possible, especially for someone of my size. 

As I dashed across the messy cobblestone streets, I was almost out of the town. 

Somehow, A white streak caught my eye and I turned my head, curious. It was the dove, peaceful and sentient, watching me. 

Before I knew what was happening I had tripped, my left hand, cheek, and knees skidded across the pavement. I had managed to not let the bow hit and thankfully it wasn’t the hand I had cut the day before which hit the pavement but it still hurt. I had fallen like a child running faster than their legs could take. The dove flew away.

I jumped up, embarrassed of the blood running down my cheek, I kept running and I didn’t stop until I reached my horse. Without another sound I rode off into the countryside. 

---

Six days later I reached it. 

Upon seeing the Haar Main Base, I felt some indescribable muddle of fear, apprehension, and pride. 

It was a huge building with very few windows and the only windows which were there were all very slim. I had been to the Haar Main Base many times before but that didn’t stop it’s sheer size from shocking me. It was five stories tall but it was extremely long and flat, designed to house thousands of people. Behind it there were multiple other huge buildings for visiting betallions which was usually where I had stayed after joining the Haar but I had been in the main building multiple times with Michael or at meetings I had to attend as Head. This building was the center of our Empire. 

Still, this time felt different. I wasn’t entering as a Head. That wasn’t exactly it, I was a Head but I was entering with the possibility for more. That was enough to change everything for me. 

I reached the building and jumped off my horse, holding her reins in my hand. 

I stood in front of a large wall which was about ten feet tall and blocked the entrance into the Haar Main Base while giving the guards on watch a good vantage point. 

A man in full Haar uniform came to the other side of the long, thin hole. “State your name and business.”

“Rain Than,” I spoke loudly and clearly, “Supreme Commander consideration.”

I could just barely see as he nodded and two large metal doors attached to the brick wall slowly began to open.

I handed my horse's reins to the first officer I saw. He looked slightly confused but I continued on. I was right back where I belonged, surrounded by my inferiors who I could control all I wished. I walked towards the larger metal door which contained the entrance to the actual building and another officer rushed to open it for me. 

I found myself in the familiar, black, tunnel shaped hall which greeted all visitors. As the door banged closed the only light in sight was the torch the officer next to me held out but I loved it. 

Once we entered the normal parts of the building, everything was brighter. She led me through various halls and staircases until I was introduced to the small set of rooms that would be mine and mine alone. 

I stepped in and didn’t thank her, closing the door behind me abruptly. It wouldn’t have been inappropriate to thank an officer, nor did I want to ever have to thank an inferior. 

I looked around at the barren two rooms and bathroom which would be mine. They reminded me vaguely of a suite at an Inn but I didn’t mind. The first room had a table and a long wooden bench along the wall. The other side had a wool rug and some mounts for weapons. The next room had a large bed and two short shelves on either side as well as a larger wood shelf for clothing whose corner was all I could see. The bathroom extended out to the side of the bedroom but I didn’t much care to take a look at it. 

I quickly bent down and untied my boots, sitting on the ground to pull them off.

I didn’t bother to get up as I crawled to sit on the comforting wool rug. I unzipped my bag and emptied its contents onto the rug but it was highly uninteresting. It contained two books, both of which I had finished, a satchel with a very large sum of money from “Haar Authority,” and extra pairs of shirts and undergarments from my journey. 

I lay back and stared at the ceiling for a moment, just existing. Briefly, I had to wonder what it would be like with seventeen other high ranking Haar members and how exactly, they would choose between us. 

I wasn’t sure how long I lay there for, it could have been hours or mere moments. I wasn’t even sure if my mind had been in tedium or interest but eventually I decided I would go to the library of the main base. 

I got up and I wasn’t sure exactly where it was but I remembered it being on the east side of the second floor and that was enough. 

I put on the Head uniform that had been left for me on one of the shelves, made up of the usual all black shirt, pants and jacket save a small band of dark green around one of the sleeves to mark me as a Head or something of the sort. I ran a hand through my hair and made my way out of my room.

I took a few left turns until I saw the stairs but everything felt strange and unfamiliar. However, after having to ask four different people for directions I found standing in front of the tall oak doors which led to the library.

As I found myself entering the first huge room of books and all my troubles instantly evaporated. Well, most of them. As I walked in I repeated the phrase Act Natural in my head over and over again till it felt like I had to be some semblance of a normal person in the library.

I let the door shut behind me, not bothering to be quiet and I saw a small old woman peek her head around the corner of a large comfortable chair. 

“Can I help you with anything sir?” She asked, staring at me and adjusting her glasses.

She looked old and worn but I would have recognized her anywhere. She was Ms. Fleance, the same librarian who had been here for the years that I was here. I wanted to jump up and down, I wanted to yell her name in the excitement of once having a kind presence near me but I didn’t, I was an adult now. 

“No, just browsing,” I responded harshly. She made a face like she was about to say more but then she didn’t and went back to her book.

When Michael and I had first arrived at the Haar Main Base following my parents death he had introduced me to Ms Fleance telling me that she would be watching me during the day until he could find someone he trusted to “take me off his hands.”

When we first met she had asked me many questions but it was clear she wasn’t good at talking to children and I didn't answer any of them. Finally though, she asked me if I could read. I could. My school had been very prestigious and I was the best reader in the class but I didn’t tell her that, I just nodded. 

She told me I could pick a book so I walked through the rooms, reading the backs of most of the books with intriguing titles but none of them seemed like something I wanted to read right then. At the boarding school I had loved fantasy, magic, dragons, fairies and all that but now I couldn’t even stand the thought. I didn’t want to read anything of the sort.

When my small seven year old self chose a book it was an old tattered one called The Misplaced Times of Loss. The cover was brown and dusty but I didn’t care. I opened it, still standing up, and began to read. 

I read the entire book and fell in love. It followed the story of a middle aged man whose wife died. He spent the book separating himself from society in a morbid fear of attachment because he thought it was going to lead him to more loss. Eventually, he couldn’t handle it anymore and he killed himself, coming to terms with her death and his life only after he was hanging with a noose around his neck and it was too late.

I spent an entire month reading it over and over again until Ms Fleance finally convinced my childish self to read something new but with at least a similar premise.

After that, I went through what felt like hundreds of books, at times finishing multiple a day and then at nights going to the same apartment as Michael and often purposefully angering him to incite a reaction. 

Now, once again I looked through the books, no longer a child. I went straight to the second room. I knew what book I was looking for but I didn’t want to find it. 

I scanned over the various titles, not taking particular interest in any of them. I could feel Ms Fleance’s eyes on me, few people came to the library and I wasn’t sure if she recognized me after nine years but she might have had an inkling. 

About twenty minutes later I saw it. The Misplaced Times of Loss was written on the spine. I felt myself gasp, quietly but audibly in the emptiness of these rooms. I tried to act as if I hadn’t, hoping Ms Fleance didn’t hear. She might have, I couldn’t know. 

I ran the back of my fingers lightly over the old, dirty spine of the book. It almost seemed like no one had opened it since myself all those years ago. For a moment I was reminded of my parents but I couldn’t--I wouldn’t--think about that. 

I lifted it and flipped through the dusty pages, deeply breathing in the scent of musk and old paper that so quickly I recognized.

I found myself reading the title page and suddenly, inexplicably, a tear rolled down my cheek. I had thought it was a drop of rain until it had hit the book and I was reminded that I was inside. I couldn’t possibly have just shed a tear though. This book meant nothing to me. Nothing. I wanted to slam it closed or to throw it on the ground but I couldn’t bring myself to.

I looked around, suddenly feeling insecure and I just needed to leave. Ms Fleance quickly averted her eyes but I could tell she had been watching me from afar. 

I walked back into the front room where she sat. “Do you mind if I take this out?” I asked quickly.

“Of course sir, just let me check it out for you,” She began to stand.

“No.” The last thing I wanted was for her to come any closer. Between my tear and her possibly recognizing me I just didn't need it. “I can check it out.” I quickly amended.

She had taught me all those years ago and now I was trying my best to remember. I saw her list and everything seemed to come back to me. I quickly wrote the date and the title of the book but when it asked for my name I hesitated. I knew she would recognize my name. 

I took a breath and wrote it with my hand shaking, Rain Than. I told myself that I shouldn’t care what she thought. I was her superior and I wasn’t the young boy she knew anymore. She had no right to think anything of me. 

I didn’t want to be the young boy she used to know but I could see it in my mind as she got up from her chair once I left and looked at it. Her suspicions would be confirmed and she would make that face as if her heart ached for me. I didn’t want that, I didn’t need any of it. I didn’t need her to think badly of Michael, or the haar. I didn’t need her to think that place had ruined me because it hadn't. This place had raised me up from nothing. 

I left and I had to force myself not to run as I walked down the halls. 

The next day, just like all the ones after I would come to the library, empty of all people except her. I would browse the books, sometimes for minutes and sometimes for hours as she studied me kindly while she thought I couldn’t see.

I would walk to the front, check my books out, and we wouldn’t speak. We would never speak about the person I used to be. Her face at the cold person I had become was all I needed to know.

Somehow, I had managed to survive the first three weeks at the academy. Since the beginning, Aurora had kind of latched on to me and now the two of us along with Chena were some strange sort of inseparable though I had no idea how this had come to be. 

I had immediately taken an obsession to sorcery and the whole concept of inhuman abilities. I had been reading through all my Sorcery books from the Academy and currently I was on our Hypnotics book. As for the elements, I had found that I could manipulate fire and nature but it was almost a let down of sorts. So far I could create a puff of smoke in my hand and occasionally a flicker of bright red flame but it never stayed for more than a second. My nature skills felt non existent, consisting of making a piece of grass slightly sway to one side on mental command. Aurora’s air and Chena’s metal skills weren’t much better.

I had spent some time with Dolion, a particularly windy day last week, where the trees looked like they could fall and the small lake formed huge waves against the rocks. He had mocked “primary year manipulations” a bit but comforted me saying my level was normal for this early on so my mind was slightly at rest. 

The girl who seemed mean at first had proved herself to be so. She had yet to interact with me but everything about her demeanor was just ugly. The girl --Fena-- was the type that Aurora would roll her eyes about to me at every chance she seemed to get. 

At the moment, Aurora, Chena and I were sitting on the edge of a fountain in the middle of campus, all draped in various positions. I sat on the ground, feet planted firmly and knees up upon which my arm rested. My head reached just where Aurora’s abdomen was. She lay horizontally on the fountain, her head in Chena’s lap and him, cross legged and with perfect posture as usual but he looked distraught. 

“I just- I just don’t see how you guys do it,” he said. He was referring to me and Aurora in the class we had this morning, Controlling Offensive Magic Through Weapons. As of right now, Aurora was top of the class but I was a close second. Chena was just a bit below average. 

“Chena there’s not even any sorcery yet. It’s simply sword skills, or for Cade bow skills.” She sighed. “You just need to move the sword and move it powerfully and quickly.” Aurora beat her fist against her hand and I nodded along, paying more attention to the Hypnotics book then to the two of them. 

Chena put his hand up to his mouth as he giggled for a moment, hiding it the same way one would if they thought they looked ugly laughing, chewing or something of the sort. “It’s not our fault you’ve been trained professionally, most of us have never even held a sword before.”

“I was not trained professionally.” 

No one spoke for a moment. This was a statement Aurora had been insisting on since the first day without willing to elaborate. It was pointless because she was even better than a good portion of the third years and clearly had been practicing for a very long time. 

“What are you reading?” Aurora turned her head, trying to get a better look at the open Hypnotics book in my hand.

I tried to make my tone light, a practice I had been very careful to uphold. “The Hypnotics book. Have you read it yet?”

Aurora sat up, “Nah, just the sections we’ve had to read so far.”

“Hey speaking of Hypnotics, Did you figure out the silence of movements?” Chena’s question was aimed at Aurora, they both knew I could do it flawlessly. I had been too timid to share that in class however so no one else knew.

“I got it a couple times yesterday in my house when you were off with your male friends and Cade was off studying in the forest or whatever. I can’t really get it every time though.”

I giggled a bit and Chena blushed, he had been trying to make friends with some of the other guys in our year but he didn’t seem particularly interested. “Henry’s cool but the rest of them are all really just bores.” 

“Which one’s Henry?” I asked, looking over at where all of the other kids in our year seemed to gather around Fena. I didn’t want to know what was going on over there.

“He’s over there, he has the wavy brown hair; he’s probably smiling.” Chena was staring at the sky now. “And he has those really deep, warm hazel eyes.”

I scanned the group, trying to figure out who he was talking about. When my eyes landed on him I saw Henry was a slender boy in grey pants and a navy button-down shirt with small patterns I couldn’t quite make out.

I heard Aurora say behind me, “Are you in love with Henry?” and I cringed.

“Aurora!” Chena’s voice was uncomfortably loud and he seemed to notice, bringing it now to a low whisper. “You always over-dramatise everything. Obviously not.” His posture was tilted away from Aurora more than it had been a moment before and he looked away, suddenly fascinated with the trees around us.

They were quite fascinating. 

Aurora stared at the ground for a moment in response then looked away as well. “I do not, And just know that I am fully aware of what's happening here.” I couldn’t quite tell if she was teasing him at this point or still serious so I remained quiet, pulling my hood further over my head.

What did ‘being in love with someone’ even feel like? It was an emotion I had heard about so many times in books but never quite understood. The thought of love had always occupied a part of my mind far separate from myself, like an uncared for corner of my psyche. Thinking about it, I realized this was something I had never even pondered before. It had always been one of those I’ll-understand-it-when-I-feel-it type things but I had yet to feel it, and yet to understand it. 

“What is it like?” I asked suddenly, craving to know.

“What?” Chena asked, his brows knit as he finally stopped looking at a particular tree and turned to me.

“What does being in love feel like?”

“Um,” he looked for Aurora, unable to explain it himself.

“It’s when you have someone who you really like, and you enjoy being around them, and um-” She paused for a moment, “It’s like you find yourself thinking about them all the time and you can’t be around them enough and like you want to kiss them…” She looked uncomfortable, unable to place her explanation into words. 

That didn’t seem right though. That didn’t seem like enough to define this thing I had only ever heard to be described as earth-shattering.

I thought about Dolion. Was it possible I felt about him the way she was describing? I thought about his lips, his face, his smile, his kindness and his jokes. 

But I didn’t feel that way about him. I didn’t know what exactly that way was but something there was missing. Something hadn't clicked quite right and I just didn’t think of him that way. We were friends, that was all.

“Cade, do you like someone?” Aurora was waving her hand in front of my face and I realized I had been staring off into space. 

“Right, huh? What? No, definitely not.”

“Who is it?” Chena asked, putting his elbows on the fountain and resting his head in his hands.

“No one. There’s no one.”

Aurora smiled, “C’mon Cade you have to tell us! If you don't, our heads could go in any direction and the outcomes could be disastrous.” She said this now lifting her hand above where she lay and extravagantly putting it back down.

“Oh come on.” I quietly sighed. “Do you like anyone Aurora?” It was my best attempt at distracting her but it worked magnificently. 

“Well.” She looked back and forth between me and Chena and he gave a get-on-with-it type gesture. “I don’t know, maybe.”

“Who?” I asked, not really caring but sensing she was waiting for the question. 

“I mean, I don’t know obviously, but Sam seemed kind of hot and like kind and oh, I don’t know.” She pushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear in that oh-so-stereotypical way and I wanted to gag. I tried to picture Sam but all I could remember was the tall, shallow, strong guy who Aurora had talked to a few times.

“Huh,” was all I said. 

“Tell us more.” Chena pressed, letting Aurora go into a full blown rant as I turned back to my book and read till our next class.

---

For Reversed Hypnotics, All the first years were in a circle in the forest. It was pretty and brightly lit with the sun passing through the trees in spots which made the ground seem to have large polka-dots and made the whole forest look a strange shade of majestic. All the trees were a light green color and there were small patches of flowers on the ground making it a utopia of sorts (at least in my mind). 

Today’s lesson was our second. After a low success rate on our week of the Complete Silence of Movements manipulation, Mister Shine had told us that his hypothesis of how ‘starting with slightly more advanced manipulations would be more efficient,’ was now disproved.

 So today, we learned voice modulation, specifically with volume. When one boy had told us the book said that was our lesson, everyone had laughed. 

Upon trying, anyone had yet to get it. Of course, that was simply common knowledge. 

On the walk I had successfully quieted my voice in increments without changing anything about the way I spoke. I had not done it gaining volume but I was relatively sure I would be able to. It was an unusual thing to do because we had to change the volume of our voice but rather than changing how we said it internally, we had to morph the sound externally.

Turning my attention to the teacher, Mister Shine, I saw he was droning on about some anecdote from his childhood, something about his young best friend’s interest in the economy. How this related to voice modulation was unclear but I tried my best to at least look as if I had been paying attention.

Back when I had learned everything through my father and books, it was all interesting to me. On the rare occasions when it wasn’t, I could close a book and move on without hesitation. But here, the lack of control over what I was supposed to pay attention to was discerning.

I as usual had my silver cloak on, covering my eyes and pretty much everything else. I was leaning against a large, smooth, tree of some sort that I could not name. 

Aurora and Chena sat next to me, on their cloaks but on the ground. They were trying their best to have a conversation and remain unnoticed. 

On our left, two of the boys sat, and three stood, all trying their best to act interested. On our right, the other four girls sat on a log, most of them plainly disinterested but still watching. 

Mentally I commented on how everyone wore the cloaks but in different ways. Some put them behind their shoulders like a cape, some put it over one, and others draped it over both shoulders as it was meant to be worn. Still, none of them seemed to use it as protection from prying eyes in the same way I did. 

“Cade!” I heard something far away that sounded like a mix of a hoot and my name. 

Turning around, I saw Dolion rushing past about a hundred meters behind our class, one arm up in a wave. I smiled and lifted an arm up in a wave but didn’t speak. Something about his demeanor always just made me feel so not alone, I loved it. 

I shook my arms out for no apparent reason and turned back to the class. Mister Shine was glaring at me now. I skipped a breath, had Dolion really been that loud?

“Sorry,” I nearly whispered.

“Well you know Cade,” Mister Shine began, “ I really would like it if you paid attention to my class, at least the first class where you all are expected to learn the Manipulation.” Some girls snickered but he continued, “This may seem easy but I can assure you, it’s not.” By this I assumed he meant the voice manipulation but I didn’t comment.

“Yes sir.”

“Now if you wouldn’t mind would you please come up here and demonstrate? Just because you know, you seem so sure.”

Aurora was looking up at me frozen and open-mouthed. Though I kept a straight face I felt as she did. Looking around once I realized I would have to go up to where he was and try my best to demonstrate. 

I cursed him internally. Everyone else could have side conversations and just generally not care but I when I waved to a friend I got called out on?

I tried my best to retain dignity as I stepped around Chena and, Reversed Hypnotics book in hand, walked up to face Mister Shine. “Well, we’re ready whatever you want, I would just like to see the Manipulation.”

I gave him a dry smile and faced the class. “What would you like me to say?”

He gave a shrug. “Whatever suits you.”

Taking out the Reversed Hypnotics book I began to read. I didn’t dare try and make anything up on the spot. “Reversed Hypnotics, table of contents: self manipulations.” I focused my mind on making my voice louder, louder than possible, picturing it as a shapeless mass expanding in my mind. “Voice Modulation or Volume changes.” If my echoes across the forest weren’t enough, the gasps from other kids told me that I had done it. I brought my voice back to a normal level, “Extreme speed, extreme strength,” and I quieted it to almost an unperceivable level with nothing but my mental focus. “Complete silence of movements, changing perception of your eye color, changing perception of your hair color-”

“Yes yes, thank you very much Cade,” Mister Shine said, cutting me off. “Can we please get a round of applause for Cade,” He said, looking at the class who began to clap politely. He sighed and waited for them to quiet down. “Class dismissed!” he called, defeated.

Everyone stood up and he lowered his voice to speak to me now. “Good job, you were most impressive. You’re a very powerful sorcerer, I can tell.”

Suddenly wanting to get away from the situation, I nodded and began to walk briskly to Aurora and Chena.

Chena gave me a shoulder punch, “That was great Cade.”

“Really though, tell us how you did that!” Aurora was the one speaking now. “I mean, seriously. Everybody was trying it over breakfast and none of them-”

I cut her off, “I know, I was there.”

“Right, right of course but,” She looked at me again and raised her hands in a flamboyant expression of emotion. “That was just brilliant!” 

I raised my eyebrows, “Thanks Aurora.” I responded, trying to not let my annoyance show. “I’m going to go read our Reversed Hypnotics book in the forest or something. I’ll see you guys at lunch.”

I turned around and began to walk back the way we had come. I had found a small stream a little ways into the forest and I had made a habit of going there and just sitting on the large smooth rock which hung above it. It was far enough from the Academy that I couldn’t see or hear even a sliver of anyone from there and if I wanted, I could pretend I was alone for miles.

So that was where I resolved to go today. As I turned around I saw the distinct pale face and fiery eyes that belonged to Fena, surrounded by all the other girls.

I sighed and kept walking, planning to avoid her but unable to completely turn because I didn’t want to call attention to myself and I didn’t need her input right now. 

Of course, as I walked in a direction different from my original I found her watching me and walking directly towards me. I tried to speed up but it was with no avail as I soon found us face to face.

“How did you do that?” Fena’s voice was obnoxiously high and now that I could see her more closely, I noted how the light reflected off her in a brighter way than anyone else, as if she were made of plastic.

I tried to console myself, I was making an effort to stay positive lately. Maybe she just wanted to talk for some reason. We were the only two in our year who had been able to manipulate two elements and she seemed to at least have contact with everyone other than myself.

“How did you do that?” Her voice was more harsh this time. No, she didn’t seem to be here for friendly banter. 

“I don’t know.” I shrugged and tried to step around her but she blocked my path. She was one of the few girls who matched my height and that strangely intimidated me. 

“I’m just asking nicely,” she responded. A smile was on her face but her eyes were filled with fraudulent malice. 

Why me? I questioned as I averted my eyes to the ground. Why does she have to be like this to me? I wasn’t good with words, or people. I could pretend to know how to socialize when I was with Aurora and Chena but this, now? I felt rendered useless. “I- I don’t know. I just did what the textbook said and it came to me.” I didn’t want to be like this, stuttering and pathetic at her words but I just wanted to leave. I didn’t want to get in a fight but also, in that moment, I wouldn’t have been brave enough to.

 She grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled me closer. I could feel her breath and I wanted to push away but I couldn’t, nothing inside me would let me fight back. I felt so weak, so, so weak and useless. 

I tried to think about everything leading up to this in my life. Being alone save the company of my father had been such a default that these three weeks had been my first experience having friends. This was new territory and what was happening with Fena, I had never even come close to this before. 

I looked back at her almost manic anger and for a moment, I couldn’t breathe. 

“You b*tch you can play dumb but we’re all going to find out how you’re doing so well soon.” I didn’t know her, she didn’t know me, she shouldn’t have been this mad. My thoughts were running through my mind so much faster than I could keep up with. Had I been doing well in our classes? I supposed I often was able to do the manipulations others couldn’t but- but--even my mind was stuttering-- I didn’t see why she would be noticing this. Had she been watching me? Was it obvious?

I could feel it as she used all her strength and forced me backwards as hard as she could. I stumbled for a second, my right foot catching on a tree, and I stumbled backwards at an angle, landing with a painful contact between my back and the ground. Hot pain was seething through me but I just clenched my teeth together and tried not to call out or show it. 

She let out a loud bark of laughter and the other girls followed her lead. She turned around and they did as well. If I was in a better mood I would have made some internal joke about how inhumanly mindless they all were but I didn’t, I didn’t even dare to move.

I wanted to stand up to her, to yell or make her regret acting the way towards me that she was but I couldn’t. As far as I could remember everyone had always left me alone but now they weren't, I didn’t know how to make them so I just sat on the cold dirt ground feeling utterly helpless. 

I held back tears and curses of pain, refusing to let myself seem weak until they were gone. My ankle hurt so badly but I wouldn’t show it, if nothing else I needed to have control over that. 

I watched as the four of them got smaller and smaller, slowly reaching the edge of the forest. At one point one of the girls turned back and upon seeing me still red faced and still on the ground, she giggled. 

That was it. To them I wasn’t worth any more than a mere glance and a giggle. They didn’t turn back again.

Once they were gone, far gone, I let go of all the tears I had been holding back and finally just cried. But it wasn’t crying, it was silent sobs, racking my body with deep heaving breaths I could barely even manage. 

I felt pathetic and worthless and so many other words that wouldn’t come to mind as I sat on the forest floor, holding my ankle and just staring at how swollen it was. 

This, friends, other kids our age, were supposed to be easy. I had stayed away because I had no interest, not because I was scared and thought that they could tear me apart inside so easily.

I let out an anguished yell of rage but I muted it with sorcery. Not even my screams could be authentic, everything had to be fake and quiet, I had to pretend like everything was perfect because if I didn’t then people would… they would see me differently, they would think I was weak. They would think I was someone other than the person they knew and I didn’t want that, I couldn’t handle it. 

I slowly made my way onto my knees, still being careful not to hurt my ankle anymore. Tears were falling down my face far slower now so I wiped my eyes with my hands and took a deep breath. It’s going to be ok, I told myself. They were just some dumb, childish girls.

I wrapped my hands around the closest thin tree and slowly stood. My ankle hurt but I was fine. Pain wasn’t a novel concept to me, I would be fine. Walking it off had never failed me before.

When I finally reached the stream about thirty minutes later I took off my socks and boots and I placed both my feet in the icy, almost-winter water, hoping it would make the swelling in my right foot go down.

I began to repeat in my head, I hate this place, I hate this place, I hate- I quickly stopped myself. I was just overreacting. Here, I could use my rare abilities to fight the Haar. That was all I had ever wanted. The kids here were just a small inconvenience. Fena and those girls were just another obstacle, I didn’t care about them, they meant nothing to me. Why did my words feel so crushingly hollow?

Even Aurora and Chena were just another small inconvenience, right? I couldn’t tell at this point. Sometimes I enjoyed their presence, sometimes they were kind and funny and they made me feel less alone. But other times, every word they spoke would sound like a never ending noise that just wouldn’t even leave my head and I had to force myself not to beg them to just shut up for once. Those times, they just made me feel even more alone. 

Dolion was kind and I had fun with him I supposed but since our ride here we had only really spent time together twice and at that moment he just felt so absent from my life that I didn’t even consider him.

So I sat there, now confident that I had no one. I had no one and I was independent. This was like my life before the Academy, just in a different setting.

I didn’t need friends, I didn’t need anyone to survive. No, not survive, to thrive. I could be wonderful and happy and fulfilled and I didn’t need any of these people. 

I just needed to get through three, six month periods of this and then my real life could begin. I had my books, my thoughts, and this glorious stream, I couldn’t have asked for any more. I could hang out with Aurora and Chena so that Fena would leave me alone but it was fine. I would be fine.

I found myself drifting into thought. It wasn’t intentional but listening to Michael drone on as he had so many times over the past two months of this ‘tournament’ made me terribly tired and I just found my focus bringing me everywhere but this huge room with the tables and the maps on it’s walls.

On the first day of the tournament when we had been told we would be personally introduced to the five current Supreme Commanders the room had been filled with hushed whispers. 

Over the course of the next week, all of us had participated in on-on-one meetings with each of the five Supreme Commanders. Mine had all gone pretty smoothly, it was all extremely formal and no one there was interested in petty conversation which I had rather enjoyed.

When Michael and I met it had been rather clipped. He had asked me about various achievements which he likely already knew about as a formality. I said that I hoped he was doing well and he reciprocated, waiting a while before adding that he believed I should win. I politely thanked him and save a few random sentences of conversation, we sat in silence for the better part of an hour. After that we agreed not to let any of the other candidates know of our biological  relation and we moved on.

The next week, after doing nothing for seven days but going back and forth between my room and the library without talking to Ms. Fleance, twelve of us were told that we had “passed the first step” (whatever that meant) and we would be spending the next two months being given similar tasks to those of the Supreme Commanders to see how we would do functioning in this environment. 

Ms. Fleance still watched me whenever I came to the empty library. She knew who I was and I wasn’t sure if she knew I knew her as well but that didn’t change anything between us. She would look at me in this bittersweet way, as if she had loved the boy I used to be and was sad about the emotionless monster I had become and I would pretend not to notice her eyes. 

To her, the Haar had turned the child she knew into another cruel clone. I wanted to yell at her for it. I wanted to use my authority to do something to make her think differently about it all. The Haar wasn’t a bad place, it was a good army and they deserved to win. 

The Haar didn’t ruin me. It had taken the pathetic, naîeve person that I was and birthed me into something new, something better, I was beyond thankful and nothing would ever compare to all this place had done for me. But I didn’t tell her any of that. 

With the sound of Michael saying “Go,” and everyone rushing to various tables I was shaken out of my memories of the past two months and brought back to the current task. 

I quickly rushed over to the group I had been assigned and the four of us stood around the table. I had been assigned to be in the same group as three other Supreme Commander Considerations. The first man, Vavi, was a tall man of twenty four or so years with battle scars, an air of authority and unforgiving personality. The next was Tatoute, he was a huge, violent brute. The final was Otis, he was also huge but he had more muscle definition rather than size, and he was cruel. I couldn’t identify anything about him other than a very clear and sadistic part to his personality which I simply referred to as cruel. 

So far Otis was the only one of the group who seemed to truly embody the concept of ‘cruel’ in the way that all the Supreme Commanders did. The rest just got too emotional… they would let their anger get the best of them and it could show. They enjoyed fighting and got into fights purposely. Something about that just seemed very undignified to me and in his nearly imperceptible facial expressions which I had spent so long learning to read, I could see Michael felt the same way. 

No, the supreme commanders wanted someone cold and physiological yet smart, calculated and terribly immoral. I looked around the room once as the others began to talk. Why did everyone here seem so right yet not quite perfect? 

I chuckled briefly at my speculation. What did I know anyway, I was the youngest one in the group by about four years, they were all probably far more informed then I was. 

I looked at the table where Vave, Tatoute and Otis were drawing out a plan for defense against a ‘hypothetical’ naval attack but it was obvious that this was direct preparation for a Northern Empire attack on us when the imminent war was finally declared. 

In this situation the ships would have been spotted twenty kilometers away from the shore, so we only had ten minutes to come up with a plan. 

“Does this look good?” Vave asked Tatoute and Otis, switching to the tone he used with his equals rather than the one he used on other Haar officers below him. I marveled at how flawless his voice could shift between the two and the almost compartmentalization of these two different personalities he could utilise around us and everyone else. 

Though he had very specifically ignored me, I stepped into the conversation. “No that won’t work, the attackers would just dismount their horses to get to the undefended archers.” I didn’t wonder why he had ignored me, as so many of the other candidates had as well. I was the youngest, the smallest, and I appeared to be the weakest. All of the other candidates had become close and did things together all the time but I was never invited to join and I never wanted to. “Have them use some of the fallen trees as a small barricade and then let the swordsmen men behind them, the archers need to be defended.”

Vave looked slightly annoyed but messily drew that in as well. “Happy now?”

“No…” I responded. Otis sighed but something felt off and I just needed to fix. “How are we going to force them between the hills? If they see the archers and the mounted swordsmen between them, they will retreat.”

“What do you think we should do then?” Otis talked to me in that distinctly high and slow voice that one would use on a child. 

I narrowed my eyes at him but I wouldn’t get mad, this wasn’t the place or time. “We should take half of the mounted swordsmen and place them on the sides of the hill so they can come up from behind, trapping the attackers in and going at them from all sides.” I drew a few messy circles and arrows to show what I was saying and then looked up at Otis, our eyes meeting once more. 

“No.” He spoke between gritted teeth. “Because then the back will be under defended and they’ll be able to advance further into the Haar.”

“You’re wrong.” I wasn’t even annoyed but his ignorance was becoming obnoxious. “If the call for backup worked, they should be able to join the back ranks with more than enough time to spare. Then they kill off the attackers and we’ve successfully avoided infiltration.” I noticed Michael had been watching me the whole time but I pretended not to see, feeling a small swell of pride. 

“Nice,” Tatoute gave the table a bit of a smile. “I guess we’re done.”

“I guess so,” Vave responded, his tone taught.

I sighed and imperceptibly relaxed my posture. This had been the last in a series of tasks to decide who would make it to the final four competing for supreme commander. I could only hope I had done well. 

Tatoute elbowed Vavi hard making him cough a bit. With a glare, Tatoute spoke,  “Say Rain, you want to come get drinks with us tonight?” 

I found myself surprised but I rather didn’t want to so I said I couldn’t.

“Come on, everybody else but you have hung out together. What’s your hesitation?”

I really just didn’t want to but I tried to remind myself that any of these people could end up as Supreme Commander and whoever it was, I wanted to be on their good side. “Sure, why not.” 

---

That night I went back to my room and read till exactly fifteen minutes before I was supposed to meet them. I was reading this really old book which followed a woman in an abusive relationship who finally got fed up with it so she killed her husband and took on his identity so that she could travel across the country and get a fresh start. She finds herself once again obsessing over terrible people and repeating the patterns which only brought her pain. I found the book very illuminating considering it was from a time when women were severely discriminated against so to read a book written at the time about one was rare and quite appreciated. 

Of course, when I did have to put it down I was disappointed but still convinced that joining Vavi, Tatoute and Otis would be the best way to not make them hate me in the case that one of them became Supreme Commander. It wasn’t altogether unlikely either, Vavi and Otis seemed to be two of the top choices at the moment.

I quickly ran a bit of wax through my hair and I threw on a white short-sleeved shirt under my uniform. That way, I could take the Haar jacket off when I got there and no one would know my occupation but I could still leave and enter the base with it on.

When I saw them by the stables the other three were already there so I took up a quick jog to reach them. 

“Grab a horse,” Vavi said as I reached them. His tone was bitter but not quite as much as it had been earlier.

I obliged but didn’t say anything, roughly taking a horse as the stable boy gave me one. 

As we all rode our horses to the gate Tatoute mentioned that we weren’t ‘technically’ allowed to leave the base but the guards couldn’t stop us. That didn’t make me feel much better.

After about an hour on the horses I could see the town we were going to. The other three had spent the entire time talking and I had just rode my horse a little ways behind them, lost in my own head as usual. 

The town was small but we tied up our horses just outside of it. I saw that they, unlike me, had made more of an effort to look nice but no one commented. We left our jackets behind despite the cold weather and began to walk towards the local tavern. 

“So Rain,” Otis began, his tone joking but not. “What kind of girls did you pick up before you came to the Haar main base?”

The question disgusted me but I didn’t show it. I would never have left my post as Head to go do other things. Some of the Commanders often joined the other Head as she went to this sort of thing but it was strictly against the rules and breaking rules wasn’t something I enjoyed doing, especially to a place I supported. “No.” was all I said.

“Any guys?” he asked skeptically.

“No.” I used the same tone but now glared at him, my look was a threat towards if he ever dared bring up my single, virgin life before now.

After a few moments of silence Tatoute hit me on the back far harder than was necessary. “Let’s get you some girls then!” This would not be a good night. 

When we entered the Tavern I discovered that it was having a singles night and our presence here began to make a bit more sense. 

Otis slid into a booth and I joined across, the other two following us and Tatoute laying a huge arm over my shoulder. 

A female waiter came over to the table. “What can I getcha boys?” she asked us.

Otis answered immediately. “Your driest wine.” He spoke in a low angry tone. That sparked a slight laugh from the other two and I pretended to join in but I didn’t get the joke and I didn’t rather care to.

Vavi ordered ale and Tatoute beer but I didn’t pay much attention. The loud chatter of people and the general crowded manner of the Tavern was beginning to overwhelm me but I couldn’t say that. 

“Rain!” Tatoute clapped in front of my face. “What do you want?”

“Oh- uh- I’ll just take a water.”

“A water?” Vavi grinned. “Come on, be a man.” Vavi looked at the waiter. “He’ll take two of the triple shots.” 

I didn’t want that but I shrugged and pretended not to care. I already wanted to leave. I didn’t know these guys well and we were in a competition, I shouldn’t have been getting close to them--or rather--pretending to. 

The drinks came and they talked about the girls in the bar, going through and rating them while roaring with laughter. More drinks came and the conversation moved onto other girls they had slept with but I just stared out the window until I was brought back into the conversation.

“Rain, have your shots,” Otis’ dry tone was replaced by one of drunken derangement. And the other two men quickly roared with laughter again, the alcohol was taking effect. 

“Oh, yeah,” I responded, pretending to have forgotten. In front of me were two regular glasses filled with a murky liquid but as I had been told, they were triple shots. 

“You have to drink the whole thing in a sip!” Vavi exclaimed.

I brought the glass up to my mouth side eyed Tatoute but he just waited for me to drink. I tried to smell it but all I could smell was the muddle of all the alcohol in the room. 

In one large sip I drank the whole thing, noting the burn in the back of my throat but not minding. 

The three of them cheered and began to beat the table. Had almost everybody else in that pub not been drunk it would have been a strange action but they all were so no one paid much mind.

“The other!” Vavi exclaimed.

I sighed, I didn’t want to but I was stuck in this booth with them and I felt vaguely sure that they would force it in me if I declined so carefully I tipped my head back once more and emptied another glass. 

Again, they let out a round of shouts and I threw a fist in the air, wanting to care but not. Slowly, everything began to blur into itself and I wanted to leave more and more but I couldn’t.

“Hold on,” Otis said, letting out a loud bletch. “One more!” He yelled to the waiter. At some point she brought over another cup and I gulped it down again, not even pausing to object.” 

“Now,” Otis was slurring his words, “I- I’m going to go get Rain a girl.”

I didn’t want ‘a girl’ but nonetheless I watched as he went over to a pair of two girls. He began to talk to them and I saw as he suddenly placed a hand on the brunette's waist. She looked young, not much older than me and she had two braids on either side of her head but suddenly her blonde friend was walking towards me and Otis was entangled in a long series of kisses with the former. 

At some point that I hadn’t noticed, Tatoute had gotten up and gone somewhere so now the seat next to me was left unoccupied. 

Vavi raised his eyebrows at me and he too left the table. 

I murmured an incoherent sort of “No, don’t go,” but he didn’t seem to hear.

The blonde girl slid into the bench and sat very close, so close that I could hear her breath. She was pretty. I didn’t find her attractive but she had the type of description one would give in a book when they were trying to describe a conventionally attractive woman.

I laughed without humor. “Hi,” I murmured to the girl, feeling the room shake with my drunkenness.

Suddenly, all the noises in the room blurred together and the two of us were kissing. Her hand was behind my head and on my shoulders but my hands were in my pockets. I didn’t want to take them out. I didn’t want to be kissing her either but in my state of mind everything was rather hard to piece together and coherent thoughts weren’t coming easily. 

She grabbed my arm and I found myself following wherever it was she was pulling me. 

“Let’s go!” she exclaimed, her voice high but full.

I wanted to ask where we were going but I could get the words out. Maybe we were going to read books in a bright sunny field with flowers but no, probably not. 

She pulled me outside of the Tavern and towards the forest, stopping only once to kiss me against the wall which I let her. I wasn’t exactly allowing or stopping her from doing anything, I was just following the flow of it all. 

Before I had realized, we were about twenty meters from the edge of the forest. It was far from the Tavern but not far enough. 

Shapes were blurring into each other and time was moving in waves. One moment she was there and the next she wasn’t and I was just stumbling into the forest alone.

I began walking deeper, devoid of all logical thought and laughing drunkenly to myself as I did.

Falling over in angst I leaned against a tree and brought my knees to my chest “Sh*t.” 

This didn’t feel right. I wanted my mind back, I wanted to be able to think straight again. I didn’t like the way this made me feel. I didn’t like how the school made my chest tighter, the world bigger, and the air around me colder. 

“Sh*t!” I yelled again, this time louder. I wanted to curse the world, everyone, but I was alone.

After about a minute a voice responded. “Who are you, show yourself!” It was the voice of a girl, surprised and defensive but not fearful of me. Her voice seemed to be coming from everywhere and nowhere. Echoing all around me yet perceptible only in my head. 

I jumped up, looking for the source with no avail. 

I let it ring out for a moment then responded with a slow and curious “How are you doing this? Who are you?” There was more I wanted to ask but I didn’t. I just stood there, letting my words ring out.

The voice was quiet for a moment and then responded again. “I’m not doing anything. Where are you? Why can’t I find you?” Her voice commanded authority and I wanted to answer her questions but I couldn’t, I didn’t know either.

“I think- I don’t believe I’m anywhere near you.” I couldn’t explain why I had said those words but I quickly knew I had spoken the truth. Quickly, I sank back down to my knees.

“Where- where are you then?” She said it cautiously but her voice was soft. It was smooth and beautiful but the type that could turn venomous at any moment.

“I’m in a dark forest,” I said, gesturing around me but soon realizing she couldn’t see. “I couldn’t tell you much more if I wanted to.”

“Oh.” The strange girl was silent for a while, and I closed my eyes, leaning my head against a tree. “I’m in a forest too,” she said. 

I was drunk. I was so drunk and I knew it but strangely, this was the calmest I had felt in a while. Talking to myself and an imaginary voice in my head. “Cool,” I said, laughing a bit at the absurdity of all of this. I really was going crazy. 

“Well,” she paused uncomfortably, “I guess I’ll go back inside and try to sleep. Leave you to whatever imaginary things you were doing.”

Did she think I was imaginary? It didn’t even bother me. “Hah, yeah. Me too.” I responded. I knew the owner of this voice wasn’t real. I knew it was all in my head but I didn’t want her to go. There was comfort in my hallucinations. 

She was gone faster than she had come. I wanted her to come back. I began to cry and put a hand to my throbbing forehead. Why didn’t she come back?  Was this what being drunk was like?

I lay back down on my back. The world was spinning too intensely for me to try and make my way back to the Tavern so I just stayed where I was. Now I was finally able to see the genius in the plan of Vavi, Tatoute and Otis. Now I would be stuck here. If they were lucky I would miss something in the morning and get disqualified; they could have less competition.

I slowly placed my head on a bed of moss and moved a stick out from behind my back. Something about the conversation--if I could even call it that--with the girl I had hallucinated was wonderful. It didn’t make me sick like being with other people, there was something… tranquil about it. Her presence had been unusually welcome and I wasn’t sure if I was ok with that or not. 

I closed my eyes and quickly fell into a deep sleep.

I had made it to the cold, late December and not much had changed. I still remained a loose version of ‘friends’ with Aurora and Chena, sitting with them in all our classes and such. I tried to avoid Fena but her harassment had become all too common but I wasn’t willing to bother anyone else with that.

“I’m gonna do it,” Chena said, seeming to have made up his mind about something but couldn’t remember what we had been talking about.

“Wonderful!” Aurora exclaimed. Her eyes seemed to light up in excitement. “Are you going to do it now? You should do it now?”

I looked up from the Nature elemental manipulations book in my hand. I had been blankly staring at it but for how long I couldn’t tell. 

“He’s gonna ask Henry out!” Aurora looked at me, her eyes were wide and her smile large. 

“Oh.” I raised my eyebrows, “Cool. Good luck.” I gave him a smile and he smiled back, thankful for my calm demeanor. 

“See Aurora, that would be a great reaction to my love life,” he inclined his head towards me and I resisted a smile, “Not practically screaming so that everyone else in the great hall can hear us.” Since it wasn’t a meal time the great hall was nearly empty and there wasn’t really anyone to hear but I understood what he meant. 

“I’m just happy for you!” She retorted, but her tone remained playful.

He responded with something else but the conversation lost my attention and without the distraction of the book my mind began to slip towards the same thing that had occupied my mind since it happened two days ago: the strange boy I had hallucinated. 

I knew he wasn’t real, I had stayed in the forest far too late and I was tired and in need of rest but his voice just felt so… there. There was something about our interaction that I just couldn’t seem to shake. With all the sorcery that I was still just scratching the surface of was it possible that maybe that strange thing that had happened somehow, in some way, was real?

Chena stood up, his hands pressing against the table. “Ok, I can do this. He’s probably in the boys cabin so I’m just going to go, um, I’ll come back and tell you guys how it went after.”

“Ok!” Aurora stood as well, and gave him a friendly push “You got this.” 

I didn’t stand but my mouth made a flat line and I gave him a tight thumbs up. 

He nodded at me in acknowledgement and let out a breath of air. “I’ll be fine,” I heard him whisper to himself and with that, he walked out. 

“Isn’t that so great for him?” Aurora sat back down across from me, “I mean I just really hope Henry says yes, that would be so great and like if he doesn’t,” She kept talking but I couldn’t. My mind could barely handle the things she said anymore. I was in a perpetual state of not being able to focus and everything she said seemed to go in one ear and out the other. 

Fena didn’t bother me very often but it was our occasional interactions that made me in a constant state of looking behind my back.

And Aurora. No one had told me that conversing got harder the longer you knew a person for. I hadn’t known to expect that once she had dwelled on the same topics for so long I would get so deeply annoyed everytime she opened her mouth to bring them up again. Chena didn’t seem to mind. Henry, who we now spent time with quite often didn’t seem to mind either, it was just me. Something was just wrong in my mind and it was ruining my friendships. 

“Yeah,” I responded, when she stopped her ramble. “I think Henry will say yes though, I’ve always gotten the sense that Chena’s feelings were reciprocated.” I was once more reminded of my confusion about what ‘that way’ even was, but I pushed it aside.

“Whatcha reading today?” She asked, trying to peek over my book. 

“The water elemental nature manipulations book.” I responded.

She looked at me, eyebrows scrunched. “But you’ve already read that.” 

“Well,” I paused, trying to just maintain one minute of conversation, “I figured I would get more out of a full read-through now that I’ve been in the class for a few months.” Aurora had Metal abilities herself and nodded along, though I couldn’t tell if she fully understood. 

We didn’t say more and I smiled a bit internally as I remarked that I had gotten better at having good conversations, despite my non-existent interest. 

I stared at the page, saying all the words in my head but they bore no meaning. I was pondering the strange boy again and wishing there was some way I could hear his voice. I wanted to go back to where I had been before, crying by the stream once more, hugging my knees close to my chest after Fena had taunted me for a few minutes which felt never ending. 

I knew I was weak, I knew I should have been able to brush off Fena’s useless words but I couldn’t. I knew none of her teasing should have hurt me but it did and it was hard enough to pretend that it wasn’t hurting me when she was there, I deserved to cry on my own. It had been late at night, after our Light Sorcerer and Manipulations instruction and so I just found myself sitting in the forest, encapsulated by my sadness for hours. 

And then his voice came. I had jumped up and looked around but no one was there. His voice didn’t have a specific place it was coming from, it was just… there. After he spoke it had been a nice moment of silence, but not silence where I was alone.

No, I swore under my breath and Aurora looked up but ignored it. He wasn’t real. I wouldn’t allow myself to get wrapped up in these fantasies because they weren’t real and they would only ever let me down. There was no boy. There was no voice, I had been sad and I needed a friend so I had made one up for myself. It made me feel even worse but it was true. 

Without warning Chena flung the door open and I became aware that I was five pages further in the book but I had paid no attention to what I was reading.

Aurora jumped up, her face long and hopeful. A group of middle year sorcerers looked at us, miffed but we feigned ignorance.

Chena ruffled his hair, open-mouthed. 

We both just stared for a moment, unable to tell whether he was distraught or happy.
He gave us a meek thumbs up and Aurora jumped up, hugging him. I laughed a bit and gave a high five to him as the two of them hugged. 

---

Two days later I was sitting on my bunk going through the present war and strategies book about how the Haar and Northern Empire had absorbed all the small empires over the course of the past hundred years, leaving just the two of them. Aurora was a bunk above me, trying to figure out how to change the way her hair color was perceived but the best she had done had been a pink flicker on half her head and she wanted to be able to do the whole thing. 

I was acutely aware of a faint throbbing all over my forehead but I was fine. Obviously. 

“Hey Cade,” I heard Aurora’s voice from above me, too loud for the distance between us. 

“Yeah?” I continued to read my book.

“Well, I was thinking,” I could hear her shift position, “Now that Chena and Henry are together,” It had been two days so my word choice would have been different but I didn’t correct her, “Maybe it’s time for me to ask Sam out,” another shift, “I mean he’ll probably say yes, right?” 

I resisted the urge to lash out. Dating was the conversation topic we had been dwelling on for days, first with Chena and Henry and now with Aurora. I silently sighed, “Maybe, I mean, you need to ask him to know what he’ll say so what’s holding you back?”

“Huh,” she paused for a moment and her voice became brighter. “You’re right, I think I’m going to make the first move.” 

I nodded and gave a quick “I’m going to go study by the river, It’s hot in here.” It was a lame excuse but she wouldn’t notice, wrapped up in her own head as she currently was. 

Book tucked under my arm I left and began to make my way to the River. It wasn’t much like the stream I had found but it was far closer. People with water elemental manipulations had their class there but those classes ended mid-afternoon so it had likely been deserted for a while. Just to be safe though, I tried to walk to the far right hand side of it. 

When I reached it ten minutes later I sat on a large rock overhanging the river. It was the type of tall rock that tons of people would be obsessed with diving off of if it were summertime, but winter was near and right now, no one wanted that icy water. 

It was nicely shaped though, the top of it extended the furthest over the water so that one wouldn’t have to try and push away from the rock but could easily scootch off it and fall into the sparkling abyss ten meters below without issue.

So naturally, I lay on my back and let my legs hang off just past the knee. 

I opened to the next chapter and began to read. It chronicled the very start of the Haar Empire with a man named Adam which was apparently highly classified knowledge, or so the book said. 

The book described him as being a tall, grand man who could draw the attention of anyone who looked his way but once the Haar gained power, he got lost among the ranks and no one knew much about what happened to him later in life. 

As I continued to read I heard a barking laugh which I recognized to be Fena. I didn’t even question how she was here, in the place I had thought I could be alone. I squeezed my eyes shut, willing her to not be there anymore when I opened them again.

But she was there. Why did she have to find me? Why did she have to find me when I was here, on the edge of a tall rock and here, completely alone and happy. 

“What are you reading Cade?” came her cynical voice. “Another one of those dumbass Sorcerer history books to make you Madame Pama’s favorite?” 

I turned around to face her but stayed sitting. My body felt liquidated and I knew if she tried to fight me I would be helpless. “P-please,” I found myself stuttering. I never stuttered. My whole life I had never stuttered but here these girls were. Why were they affecting me so much? Why did this keep happening with them? “I don’t want to do this right now.” 

I wanted to explain that I had been minding my own business and they had no right to come over and harass me when I had done nothing wrong to them but the words wouldn’t come out; the words never seemed to come out. 

She walked over to me, the other three girls behind her and grabbed my book. “No, don’t.” I tried to speak but she took it easily. It was a library book and I silently begged her to not throw it in the water, what would I say to Madame Pama?

“I was right, this is a history book!” Fena laughed.

“Gross,” Sarah responded and the other girls joined in with various phrases that served no purpose other than to reinforce what Fena had spoken. 

Fena smiled and with a slight of her hand it was thrown into the water. I knew they were all watching my face and I tried to remain passive, I couldn’t let them know I cared. If they didn’t think they were affecting me they would stop, right? It felt like that was a message I had read in books so many times but it wasn’t working; why wasn’t it working?

Tears threatened to come to my eyes but they wouldn’t, this was nothing, this meant nothing to me. I tried to stand once more but I couldn’t. I was just unable to get up around them.

Fena came closer to me and proceeded to crouch in front of me, the way an adult would with a child. I wasn’t. I wasn’t inferior. I knew that but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to prove it. 

“You. Will. Never.” She came closer with each word and I began to edge backwards, completely forgetting my surroundings and only focusing on her for a single moment, “Be. As. Powerful.” I was still inching backwards with each word. “As. Me.” Suddenly my hands weren’t gripping the rock anymore and I felt myself falling, tumbling in circles as the cliff passed by me. 

The air made a forign sound as it passed by my ears and it felt cold as wind filtered through my clothes. Suddenly my fathers face was there. Not there, but in my mind. Oh, what he would say now. I was failing him, he had taught me how to be strong, how to be brave, but wasn’t any of those things. I wasn’t the person he had always taught me to be. I was just- I was just weak, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be the person he wanted me to be, I was a failure, such a failure. 

In a flailing mass my forehead collided first with the water and the left side of me seemed to spin in. The initial sting hurt as if the water was a solid object. My left limbs stung terribly as the impact continued to feel fresh on my skin. I wanted to call out but I couldn’t. I was under the water, the cold, icy water. I knew if I tried my mouth would only fill with more. 

I could feel the water soaking my clothes all the way through and I was angry, so angry. It was nearly freezing outside, I didn’t want to have to put up with all this, I shouldn’t have had to. Everything would have just been so much easier if Fena wasn’t there, if I could only stay at the academy in peace, without her.

Maybe if I was lucky, she would accidentally fall off a cliff or get eaten by a bear. But I knew I would not be so lucky.

In slow, deliberate movements, I cupped my hands and began to pull myself to the surface. When my head finally broke it I began to gasp. I was gasping and at the same time crying, just begging for more air. 

I pushed myself to a ledge on the underside of the rock and pulled myself up, letting myself cry in large huge sobs. I slowly stripped all my clothes but the minimum undergarments and placed them on the ground next to me to dry.

My hair and everywhere else was absolutely soaking; I could feel my teeth chattering intensely but there was nothing I could do. Not anymore at least.

After my huge racking sobs began to die down I lay back on the rock. I was still shaking a large amount but I so desperately needed a distraction. 

I wished I had a book, any book. I could read books and let them engulf me, taking me out of the real world, but I didn’t have one right now. 

I thought about the boy from a few nights ago. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to hear it again and I didn’t care if he was made up or whatever he was, I just needed him.

I wasn’t sure but I decided like most things in sorcery I would just focus and imagine his voice. I tried to remember his voice and I held onto it, not letting go, not willing to jeopardize this possible interaction that unlike so many, I craved at the moment.

At some point, I felt my intense concentration had gone on long enough and I spoke. “Hello.” 

You’re real? It was him. He was there, again. I opened my eyes and looked around, searching for some tangible explanation but there wasn’t one, I had been successful and that conversation we had had, it was real. 

“I thought you were the one who wasn't real.” I tried to stay calm but was almost bursting with excitement, all my sadness seemed to evaporate. I didn’t quite know what was happening but I had uncovered something important and I knew it.

No… I’m real, he responded. His voice wasn’t one of a normal person, it was all around me. It was coming from everywhere and it was so crisp and clear, as if we were talking in a quiet and empty room, not by the stream I could somehow still hear.

“Me too.” I looked at my hands for a moment. Yes, I was real. 

There was a long pause in the conversation where no one spoke but I doubted either of us minded. I stared at the bright waters which reflected the sun on each ripple and tried my best not to bring back the notion of what had happened just earlier. 

I thought you were a drunken hallucination. He spoke at last.

“I thought you were a sleep deprived hallucination.” I couldn’t see him, but I knew we were both smiling now. “What’s your name?”

I’m Rain. He paused for a moment then seemed to remember it was polite to ask back. What’s yours?

“I’m Cade.”

Cade?

“Yeah.”

He paused for a moment, as if to think before he said more. Cade is a nice name. His voice was silky and soft. He sounded unsure of himself, maybe of the conversation, maybe of how he was speaking to someone who didn’t exist, I didn’t know. 

I felt myself blush, this was so strange and cliche and I knew I was going crazy but I so badly wanted it to be real. I needed a friend, a real friend. 

I mean, as far as names go. He tried to amend his statement, It’s just like a cool name you know? It’s fun to say- He faltered. 

“What?” I inquired after a moment, curious as to why he had stopped mid-sentence. Something about him was making me calm. I was calm as had been with my father, I was calm as I had been when everything was normal, but I liked it. 

I don’t think I’ve ever spoken this much all my life. At least, never this freely. Another pause, I’m not good at this. He was right and I felt the same way. There was something safe and comforting in talking to someone who was only inside my head. It was like almost immediately, I felt as if I could spill my heart out yet my secrets would still be my own.

“Yeah me too.” I again said nothing for a while. “Thanks.” Another pause, there were so many pauses but neither of us felt the need to fill the gaps. “About my name I mean. You too.” 

Thanks. As he said it I could hear the grin in his voice. Were we really having a back and forth about our names? If he even existed that was, he could have still been imaginary. 

Before I could stop myself I blurted out, “Who are you?” That question could have meant a lot of things. What is your name? What is your occupation? What exactly do you do in life? How would you describe yourself? What is your legacy? I didn’t feel stupid for asking it. With other people I would have felt stupid for asking a strange question like but at the moment, I didn’t. I supposed I meant the last one, what was his legacy? What would he be remembered by? It seemed at least, that who people thought you were was worth more than who you actually were. If nobody remembered the person he was inside it would be as if that person didn’t exist, only the version people remembered existed. 

Would people remember me for who I was or who they saw?

I don’t know. I didn’t know either. His response was plain but I understood fully. Who could know? We were so young and there was so much left for us. If I had learned anything these past few months it was that anything could change so quickly. Everything one thought they had could dissipate through their fingers in a matter of seconds and they would be left with nothing but the possibility for a fresh start, like me. 

“Yeah...” For the first time in a while I didn’t mind having my hood off. I let the cold breeze reach my face. I closed my eyes and just enjoyed it.

I’m not very good at talking to people, He began, But you seem different. I just legitimately spoke to you. It isn’t like talking to other people.

“No, it isn’t, is it.” It was true. It was so true. The magnitude of what he had just said was unexplainable but something about him was so far different from anyone else I had ever met. It was like something inside me felt like this was different, this wasn’t like talking to people’s faces, this was its own type of interaction, “If you ever need a friend, I’m here,” I responded a bit lamely, not wanting to share the power of my current emotional scope that had only ever existed in this brief conversation.

Ok. I could use that. He went quiet again but quickly added, If you ever need anyone, I’m here as well. As an afterthought.

I let my mind drift, landing on anything and everything. I thought about the castle, about my life before this. About the bustling environment, the library, the king, and the various knights always there. What did Rain do? 

“Do you have a job?” I asked, desperately not wanting to bore him or make him leave. I just needed his… presence right now.

He paused a while before answering. I’m kind of a freelance archer looking for work.

“Oh, cool.” That was good. I had had a brief moment of fear as I tried to determine what would happen if he were on the other side of the war, part of the Haar.

What about you? What do you do?

“Oh,” I didn’t know what to say. “Yeah, I’m a student, I’m kind of getting higher education right now.” Was that a thing? It felt like it existed but I didn’t know.

Uh, I could feel him grappling for a question and smiled a bit. Do you have a favorite book? 

That was a pleasant surprise, most people seemed to have a disregard for books. I tried to think about the hundreds--maybe thousands--of books I had read. A few came to mind but they weren’t what I wanted to share, I needed to share something that better represented me. “I definitely do but I need to think, you go first.”

This seemed to surprise him, I don’t really have a book that I like more than all others, I could sense he was stopping to think. But maybe the Halt-King's tale?

It was a book I had read myself. It was about power, murder and guilt, briefly I pondered why he had chosen it. But didn’t overthink the response.

“Interesting,” I spoke in return. “I loved the first lady in it but I found the main character a bit moody and uncompelling.”

Really? His voice reflected one that seemed strangely awestruck. Why do you think he’s moody? I feel like he never shows his emotions.

“He tries to not show his emotions but he always fails at it and then he gets into another situation like the initial murder of his older brother,” I countered.

Yeah. But maybe the only reason his emotions are so big in those times though is because he pushes them down. If he didn’t they might be more normal but he has to. It’s almost a need for him because as a royal and later king, he feels that he has to be strong for his people.

Oh. My. God. Did somebody else actually understand books? I tried to reign in my excitement.“I see that but by trying to become stronger for his people he’s becoming weaker. This seems to happen so often that I feel like that just objectively doesn’t work yet he keeps trying because he thinks he can make it work and it just creates a cycle that gets more intense everytime so in the end we can’t really attribute his moodiness to anyone other than himself.”

Huh, maybe that’s true? I never thought about it that way. I feel like it’s so easy to just place the blame for the way he is in his external situation but I see what you mean, I guess it could be his fault. I paused for a moment, sensing he would say more, I mean I still disagree with you but I see your point.

I knew we were arguing but I felt so unrepressably happy and I couldn't tell why. “He didn’t have to commit those murders, it was as if he subconsciously wanted to but the conscious version of him that narrated the book couldn’t admit that because he didn’t want it to be true despite those minute details of where he feared it was but then just pushed it down like all his emotions!” It was so easy to talk when it felt like I was just talking to myself and now I suddenly began to understand how Aurora saw the world. I could finally understand how she could just go on and on. Right now I wanted to but I had to contain myself. I knew how intimidating people talking and talking without stopping was but I had so much more to say.

But he didn’t seem intimidated. I don’t know, he spoke slowly, still trying to puzzle it all out in his mind. Maybe you’re right.

“Why the skepticism?” I asked, teasing. I could feel myself speaking like someone I never had before but it was so easy. It was so easy to be interesting and funny and open when it was all in my mind.

He spoke slowly, I’ve never admitted someone to be right before unless I had to.

“Wow.” I briefly wondered where he grew up but I didn’t ask. The conversation felt too good to be real, too easy, but it was real. 

That evening I learned that neither of us had ever met another person who enjoyed books as adamantly as ourselves so we spent hours and hours talking about anything and everything. We started to go through all the books we could remember but there was so much to say about each that we didn’t make it far. 

We talked about their plots and themes and characters and craft and oh so much more, I was very nearly giddy. We had arguments about motivations and authors and so much more that was all I had ever wanted to talk to other people about in books but never could because they didn’t understand.

He was immediately the most interesting person I had ever met but he was in my head. There was so much comfort provided in talking to myself that I couldn’t even explain it. I had always been afraid of the way people would view me or think about me but he was in my head. None of that mattered if he wasn't really there and for those brief few hours we had the ability to just talk, unmonitored and without fear of how it could affect our lives because it couldn’t. 

At about nine in the evening, after missing dinner and my only evening class, Controlling Offensive Magic Through Weapons, I told him I had to go because I wanted to get back before it was too dark to see but we agreed to do this again tomorrow. I had so much more I wanted to say and I could tell, so did he.

Unreasonably happy, I nearly skipped back to my house that night, all memories of what Fena had done were completely gone from my mind and even Aurora’s annoyance at my not hearing Chena’s story at dinner didn’t bring my mood down.

I had just had a good conversation, no- a great conversation. It was probably the best conversation I had in my life and tomorrow evening, I would get to do it again. I didn’t need Aurora or Chena or Dolion, all I needed was me, myself, and Rain in my head.

I lay on my floor, mind racing. I had somehow been selected as one of the final four candidates for supreme commander and now I just lay still, unsure of how to even react.

I should have been worried, the first step of the tournament was in an hour, but I wasn’t. Vavi and Otis had both made it to the final four as well, along with one other woman whose name I didn’t care to remember. Today I would go against them in two rounds of combat, archery and sword-fighting. Next week the two winners would go against each other in some sort of battle to the death that all the other seventeen people originally invited to the tournament would watch.

Despite all that, it held no effect on the racing of my mind. The only thing I was thinking about was Cade. How we had talked yesterday and how I had just gotten so lost in everything about her. I had been able to talk to her, to actually talk as it seemed like I never had before.

I simultaneously marveled at it and couldn’t quite believe it had been real. I had never had as much of a ‘conversation’ about things I actually enjoyed… ever. I had spent my life looking down on people or being looked down on. I knew others in my position had friends but no one had interested me before and I didn’t much try to look for a friend because I had never seen the appeal.

But here she was. She was kind and funny and exactly the type of person I would have spit on if I met them in real life but this--this didn’t feel like real life. 

Maybe that was why I could actually talk to her. Because if it wasn’t real then I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I wasn’t putting my image in jeopardy, I was just dreaming. Yes, it felt like dreaming or reading a book and there was nothing wrong with that. I could spill my heart out inside my head and no one would ever know, there was nothing intimidating about that.

I didn’t feel like I had to have certain thoughts or opinions about her, dictated by imperial status, she was just there. For the first time in over a decade I could form my own opinions about someone, regardless of their rank. For the first time, I could have emotions around someone but it was only as scary as admitting my emotions to myself.

And even if she was imaginary I didn’t mind. An imaginary friend was a nice thing to have. 

Is she my friend? Even though the thought was my own I didn’t know what to make of it. She seemed to be the closest to what the books that I had read talked about a friend as being. 

We had talked, argued, and laughed for hours yesterday and we could do it again today. That was exciting and like I had almost never before, I was now looking forward to something.

When I saw the clock on the wall reach thirty minutes before the tournament I stood up. The walk there would take me a bit since it was outside of the base and I didn’t want to be late.

As I walked, I was still lost in thought, not even considering the effect this tournament could have on my life. I wondered what Cade looked like, what she moved like, where her eyes went as she talked. I wondered if there was any way to see her and not just hear her and for once I prayed there was. 

Was she animated when she talked or did she stay still? What were her facial expressions like? Did she make large hand motions or small ones, maybe none at all. There was so much I longed to know. 

When I reached the huge archery range where I often practiced I saw many people there. The other candidates stood on the sideline, ready to watch us. Only about six had arrived so far but the other seven would come soon.

There should have been fourteen but I vaguely remembered being told something about how the other Head being considered was killed before he made it to the Haar Main Base but I didn’t care to dwell on others. 

All five supreme commanders were there, standing still and waiting. Michael stood, his arms crossed as only his eyes moved. His sleek buzzcut was only undermined by his sheer muscle mass but I wasn’t scared when I saw him, I was in awe of the power he commanded. I had never been afraid of him, I had never even felt anything negative towards him after that first ride to the Haar main base. 

No matter how many times he hit me, no matter whether or not I had purposefully angered him to the point of doing so, he was just serving as a distraction for the pain I felt inside. 

All the books I read were a nice distraction but none of them had quite the effect that physical pain did, grounding me to the real world and taking me out of my pointless emotions to the place where all I could focus on was the pain. Despite everything, I had always liked that.

I walked over to Otis, Vavi, and the other woman who was also being considered and we all glared at each other, condescending looks resting on our faces to mask our fear.

Looking over at the Supreme Commanders I saw Dana Reha and Scarn, two of the other supreme commanders. They stood very close to each other. Dana had shorter hair then mine and it was a light brown, almost golden color but not quite. She stood deadly still and watched the scene around her, eyes focused. She had large stunning blue eyes and something about her that I couldn’t quite explain. Our eyes met, and for a moment, my breath stopped. Something about her that deeply shook me which was truly terrifying. 

I looked away and sighed, pretending to not be affected as I so often did.

Thankfully soon everyone was soon there and I quickly found the tournament beginning. 

We were presented with a target, it was a vast target which seemed to be about ten meters long on either side but it was about two hundred meters or so away from us so only the most experienced archers in the world would have been able to make anything within three meters of the bull’s eye which was so small I couldn’t even see it from where I stood but I knew where it lay. 

In comparison to sword fighting and hand-to-hand combat, archery would be the one I knew myself to be best at. I had to get ahead here or I would stand no chance. 

Vector Sampson, one of the supreme commanders, came and gave a brief introductory speech but I didn’t listen. I wanted to win, I had to, my mind was too focused.

Vector spoke the woman’s name and she went up the start line. She perfectly positioned her hands on the bow and slowly she brought it up and pulled it back at an uncomfortable ease with the high strength of it. 

Slowly, her fingers rolled off the sting and the arrow was released in a flawless motion which sped ahead with dizzying speed and quickly banged into the far lower right hand side of the target, likely with a loud noise but it was too far away for any of us to hear. Her face remained un-moving as she walked back to the group but I could imagine her disappointment. Her shot had been unbelievable and undeniably impressive but the four of us were the best of the best in the entire empire so she would need to do better than nearly the best which she had just exhibited. 

Vector Sampson called Vavi’s name and I saw him come up to the line. He carefully lifted his bow but he was ever-so-slightly shaking and I could tell this wouldn’t go well.

As he lifted his bow I could see his form was flawless. He closed his left eye and pulled the string back, the arrow knocked. I watched as he held it for a moment too long and let go. 

The arrow came close but just barely didn’t reach the target. I saw his face sink a bit and felt bad for him as he realized he had botched the only shot he got. He quickly regained his composure and walked back to the rest of us once more. 

I sighed and remained passive but I saw the two other’s faces as their mouths made a slight O in enjoyment at the failure of someone whom at least Otis used to consider a friend. 

Now that it was Otis turn he walked up to the line. He knocked an arrow and quickly raised his bow. I saw it just barely gleam in the sunlight before he too let his fingers roll off the string, watching it as the arrow flew past the trees and towards the target. 

I saw it and so did everyone else as the arrow reached it and impacted the inner ring. I saw Vavi put a hand to his forehead and wanted to do the same thing myself but didn’t. I stood no chance of beating him, if I even came in second I would be surprised. 

I squinted once to make sure he had really shot that and he had. It took me a moment to realize that with an impossible shot like that, Otis could easily be the best archer in the entire world. I took a deep breath and reminded myself of how little I knew because I had spent so long with just my battalion but somehow, I could tell that was an unreal shot.

“Rain Than,” Vector Sampson spoke in a clear voice, ignoring the magnitude of Otis’ shot.

I knew I couldn’t live up to what he had just done. I was good at archery, I was amazing at it, but so were these three. If I got any position other than fourth I would be shocked and Michael would be disappointed. But I was ok. I could do this. 

I walked up to the start line and watched Vector Sampson. His grey hair was perfectly slicked back but I could tell that the moment he left the Haar in less than a week, he would never bother to do so again.

I had left my quiver back with everyone else and came up to the line with just one arrow in my tight and shaky fist. 

Deliberately, just as I had done what felt like millions of times, I pushed the arrow onto the bow. I lifted it up and focused on pulling the huge bow back, I had no problem with it.

I closed my left eye and with my right stared at the very bulls’ eye of the target. That’s where I want it to go, I repeated inside my head, That’s where I want it to do. 

After a few mere seconds I changed the shape of the hand near my cheek by a miniscule amount but the arrow was off. That's where I want it to go, that’s where I want it to go, that’s where I want it to go. I kept repeating it and I put all the focus I had into it. I truly willed the arrow to reach the target and I knew it wouldn’t work but I desperately wanted to pretend it would, to pretend I hadn't fully lost control of the arrow once my hand had let go.

The arrow struck.

I blinked a few times, it didn’t seem real but it was. Nobody spoke, no one even dared to move as we all realized exactly where on the target I had hit. I felt dazed but I walked back to the group and didn’t show it. 

It didn’t seem possible that I had hit the bull’s eye but the proof was right there. Huh. 

Vector Sampson came back over and informed everyone we would be taking a five minute break as he and the other Supreme Commanders went to confirm the shots.

I just kind of went to lean against a tree, praying no one would talk to me but feeling a swell of pride as they all whispered.

When they came back they said nothing about winners and losers but simply stated that it was time for the sword-fight. It wasn’t plural, they only referenced one sword fight. I didn’t have time to question what that meant.

We all stood in a large, treeless area. “Rain Than and Otis Sheeka,” Mr. Sampson spoke in his high, slow, prestigious voice. “You will fight here.” He gestured to the circle of forest around us. “It will last till one of you is dead.”

Otis nodded along, seemingly too afraid to give any verbal response. Vavi and the other consideration’s faces dropped as they realized they had ruined their only chance. Otis’ eyes were wide and I wondered if he had ever killed anyone before but it didn’t matter. Our very careers, our whole lives rested upon this and if we messed up we could easily be about to lose it all.

He said something and I couldn’t quite remember what but I cursed myself and suddenly Otis and I were walking into the center of the meadow. I didn’t want to fight, especially not by sword. I was a good sword fighter but from what I had heard from others who had sparred with him, he was prodigal. 

I held my sword limply in my right hand and ran my left through my hair. It would be ok. Yes, it would all be fine. 

I moved both of my hands back to the hilt and upon hearing Vector Sampson’s “Commence!” Otis quickly began his powerful strikes. Much to my shame I jumped backwards in shock. 

I could see him grin just barely and I felt my cheeks become hot. I lifted my sword and began to block his strikes but he was faster than anyone I had ever fought and I didn’t stand much of a chance. 

I tried to get a strike every now and then but it seemed futile as he easily parried it and we pushed back and forth. I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t have time to think about it, I just pushed on and relied on my heavily drilled instincts to get me through the fight. 

I needed to win, I really did but I could feel him getting in the groove and I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold him off much longer. In a strike that I blocked a moment too late I felt the skin in my shoulder break open suddenly. It began to sting but I tried to just keep fighting. The area around the cut was becoming hot and red but I wouldn’t let it bother me. In an attempt to make the pain go away I slapped the now bloody area of my jacket but it was futile so I just let the stinging sensation help me to fight harder and faster than I already was. 

In a long, powerful motion I hit his calves with my sword but it only barely skimmed them and they both began to bleed as well. He looked angry and I could see it in his eyes, this fight would be over soon. 

I felt a shiver run down my spine and I wanted to quit on the spot but I couldn't. I was in a fight and I would keep going till it was over.

Inexplicably, he was moving faster than before. Where I had only been barely able to block his blows I now was on the brink losing any ability to defend myself. 

He was walking towards me, hacking and hacking at my defense as I was forced to walk backwards and into the forest. I could tell everyone else was following us and I wanted to scream at them or beg them to help me but I couldn’t. I would rather die than admit defeat. I could actually die if the supreme commanders didn’t tell him to stop but they wouldn’t. I knew they wouldn’t and I couldn’t let that deter me. 

Without warning I felt my back on a tree and realized I had backed into one. Our swords met and we held them against each other for just a fraction of a second but I was able to look into his eyes. In them I saw, he was truly ready to kill me. 

In the mere seconds I had left I kicked him in the gut, causing him to stagger backwards. I took advantage of the moment where he wasn’t attacking and I slashed at his neck but he ducked and suddenly we were interlocked. The fighting continued but I felt as if I had unnerved him and that gave me courage. 

I kept attacking and he kept blocking. I had confidence I could win up until the moment where his sword collided deeply with my right side. 

Losing control of what felt like everything I dropped my sword and fell to the ground on my back, helpless as he stood over me. 

I saw everyone in the background breathe out a sigh of relief that the fight was over but it wasn’t, I could see it in his eyes, he was about to strike again. Why couldn’t anyone watching tell, he was about to kill me! He was about to kill me and I would never walk the earth again, I would never get that one more conversation with Cade, how couldn’t anyone tell he was going to strike again! 

Of course, they all knew, of course he would strike again. 

I wanted to scream but nothing came out and with a sudden flashing motion his sword was swinging towards my neck. I didn’t want to die. I so desperately didn’t want to so I did the only thing I could do.

I focused on my strength. The same strength that I could summon with my mind to allow me to use the bow. I brought it all to the forefront of my consciousness and with all the power I had and I stuck the palms out, catching the sword in them and briefly feeling it shake before I pulled it downwards making Otis fall with it.

I grabbed the sword, blade clasped in my hands which were pouring way more blood than should have been safe, and I quickly jumped onto him. My knees were on his arms so he couldn’t move them and I pressed the blde to his neck but my pressure was light. The Supreme Commanders had told us to kill our opponents but it didn’t feel right. Something in me was pulling me to it, begging me to kill him and watch the blood run down his neck but maybe that was why it felt so wrong.

“Say you surrender,” I spoke, my voice breathy and hard. My blood was dripping all over him but there was nothing I could do about it.

“No,” He managed to get out so I didn’t move. I was in more pain than I had ever felt before but I didn’t particularly have opinions on it, I just acknowledged it. 

I was surprisingly satisfied by his response and with one final thrust, I pushed the blade into his neck as hard as I could. I carefully held it there as he screamed. My knees were still on his arms and couldn’t move them, despite how hard he was trying. He continued to scream and then suddenly stopped. His head was nearly severed from his body and I was the one who did it. I had done it for the Haar too. I knew I shouldn’t have felt proud but I did. 

I slid off him and quickly noticed the five supreme commanders who were now standing next to me and his body. 

There were spots in front of my vision but I tried to stand up. Otis just lay there, frozen in fear. 

“You need Medical attention,” Alcabey Hector spoke at last and I wanted to laugh. 

Blood was dripping out of my hands and side like a stream. Of course I needed Medical attention. I didn’t care about medical attention though, I wanted them to tell me I had won, I needed to hear that I was supreme commander. 

Instead, I blacked out. 

---

When I woke up five hours later I found myself in a private room of the hospital wing. It was a white room with one window and a small cart parked to the side of the room. There was a candle lit in anticipation of the sunset soon to come and an overpowering smell of disinfectant alcohol. There was a door in front of me where nurses would enter and exit from because that’s what doors are for. I rubbed my temples for a moment. I was fine, I felt fine. 

I immediately wanted to have that conversation with Cade which I had been waiting for all day but I had to force myself to wait a bit longer, I couldn’t talk to her in the hospital wing, I needed to be alone.

My hands, shoulder and side seemed to have been disinfected already and now I had bandages around them all. The huge layer of bandages wrapped around my abdomen were red at the side but not so red as if they hadn’t been changed multiple times. 

I rolled my shoulders and I could feel the tears in my skin as I stretched. They didn’t feel that deep so slowly I began to unwrap the bandages around my torso. When I looked at it, I saw the main cut was long and wide but not deep, nothing but a small scar would be visible in a month or so. 

I tried to clench my fists but the cuts on my hand hurt. I saw those were wrapped in bandages that went down to my lower arms but that seemed a bit overkill. I slowly unwrapped them till my hands were sweaty and bare. I wiggled my fingers a few times, pleasantly surprised they still worked. 

The cuts on my hand were horribly deep, more so than I would have expected. Thinking back to Otis’ swings during the fight I cursed myself; of course they were deep. With any luck, they would heal most of the way and only leave me with a scar.

I found a roll of the bandages and cut two small lengths with my teeth. I wrapped them around my plam alone and they felt good. I could easily move my hands now but the pressure applied to the cut numbed the pain.

Just as I finished wrapping them a nurse came in holding a tray. She looked at me, eyes wide, “Sir, you’re in no condition to leave, you need more medical attention.”

“No I don’t.” I responded in a loud voice of authority. “I feel fine, I just need a new bandage on my side.”

She didn’t seem to agree but her hand was shaking just a tiny bit and I saw beads of sweat forming on her forehead, she wouldn’t question me. I couldn’t tell why exactly she was scared, maybe my position or my stature or something of the sort, but I liked to incite fear. To see people scared of me made my heart flutter every time, just a little.

Maybe it was because of what I had just done to Otis. I had forgotten about that up until now. 

The nurse slowly began to undo the bandages surrounding my abdomen and I could feel my bare torso slowly being exposed. The more layers she removed the darker the red spot became and the harder it was to undo because of how submerged in blood it seemed to be. 

Eventually, the whole bandage was undone and I could see my bare torso was caked in a layer of dark red.

“You need to rinse it,” she told me meekly and I nodded. I wanted to see Cade but I just had to wait a bit longer.

My mind went back to Otis, his entire body had been bloody but whether the blood was mine or his, I hadn’t been able to tell. 

“This may hurt,” the nurse warned me. 

Again, I simply nodded and told her to go ahead. 

She put a small washcloth in a bucket of warm water and brought it to my skin. She slowly rubbed it on the area around the cut, taking away the blood and slowly turning the towel red. 

She dipped it in the warm water again and held it over where the huge gash was. She expertly spun and tightened the towel, making water come drip out and sting mu cut, jost barely. She did this a few more times but I failed to notice, caught up in my own head.

Will everyone hate me for killing Otis? I asked myself. It didn’t matter. The only people whose opinions would matter now were the other Supreme Commanders. I chided myself that maybe I hadn’t won the tournament, maybe I was rushing this, but if not me who else? Otis was dead so I was the only logical successor for Mr. Samson. 

Otis’ dead body came into my mind once more and I was again overwhelmed by guilt. I felt myself about to shake but I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t spiral here, not in front of this nurse. I wouldn’t.

I needed a distraction, something, anything to make me not do That here. 

I saw the nurse pick up a bottle of medical alcohol. “This might hurt but I only need to add a few drops-”

Within moments I snatched it from her hand, and put the nearest cloth in my mouth. Slowly, I poured it down my side. It hurt terribly and I tried to stay quiet but at some point I couldn’t any longer. I felt myself screaming through the napkin. 

The nurse was backing up, horrorstruck.

Just because it put me in pain didn’t mean I didn’t like it. I let it pour so slowly, dripping over my gash in a steady flat stream. I saw the cut bubble up and noted how I was avoiding infection. I was fine. 

 When the bottle eventually emptied I ripped the cloth out of my mouth. I didn’t need medical attention, I wanted to go talk to Cade. I grabbed my jacket and put it over my shoulders without pushing my arms through. 

I grabbed a roll of the bandages and rushed out the door, rolling the bandages around my abdomen as I walked to my room and ignoring curious people who turned to stare at the wound.

When I reached my room the bandage was on and I slipped my jacket off, instead changing into my black, hooded sweatshirt. I ran to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face. Looking in the mirror, a luxury only afforded to the rich, I decided I looked good. I knew Cade wouldn’t see me but I wanted to try and see if we could and even if not, I just felt the compulsion to be presentable around her, more than presentable.

“Cade?”

 Rain? She responded almost immediately in her silky yet powerful voice.

“Hi!” I exclaimed. I could feel myself rocking back and forth, a huge grin on my face. “I’m sorry it took me so long to talk to you, I got in a fight and some stuff happened, it’s not important.” My excuse was as close to the truth as I was willing to get.

That’s ok! I was just reading the book for one of my classes while I waited.

How was I supposed to respond to that? I decided to ask a question because that was what the normal people in the books I read would have done. “What class is it for?” She had mentioned she was in some sort of school for higher education yesterday but I didn’t know much about it. 

Oh, it’s not important and quite boring, I don’t want to talk about it.

“Ok.” I wasn’t sure what to say next so I didn’t speak at all. I wasn’t good at conversing but Cade knew that and she didn’t seem to mind.

Do you want to talk about your fight? 

“Oh, um no not really. I was passed out for a few hours so that was unfortunate but there really isn’t a lot to say about it. Today was… a rare occurrence.”

I see. That does suck.

“Yeah.” I tried to think of a way to keep the conversation going. “Did you figure out how we’re doing this?” She had mentioned yesterday that she wanted to do some research.

No actually. I’m quite surprised. I went through every book in my school’s library and I couldn’t find anything on speaking through my mind.

“Telepathy,” I echoed.

What?

“I just remembered that from a book I read once. It was fiction of course but this whole talking to someone who wasn’t really there was telepathy.”

Interesting. Telepathy, she repeated it, testing the word out. I like it. 

“Do you have any guesses about how we’re doing it? I mean, why us?” I felt so animated when I talked, it wasn’t like when I was with anyone else and I loved it.
I don’t know yet. I don’t know the scope of how well we can do it. Do we have a distance limit? Can we do anything other than just hear each other? I have so many questions but what feels like a complete lack of answers. 

“Yeah. I mean do you think if we tried we could see each other? When I try to contact you it always takes an abundance of focus and precision but that's about it.”

Yeah, let’s try!

Unwelcomed, I remembered my height and suddenly didn’t want to. What if she thought I was too ugly or too short and she stopped talking to me? We had only talked three times but there was something so real and raw between us and I didn’t want to endanger it. 

Rain? She asked, and I realized I hadn't responded. 

“Maybe we shouldn’t.” I sat there silently for a moment. 

Rain I don’t care what you look like, but I want to at least try and see you. I want to make eye contact as we talk. I want to see your facial expressions and I want you to see mine. Unlike with anyone else I love my hands so much when we’re talking and I want you to be able to see it. I want to see you smile because sometimes I can hear it in your voice but I can never be sure! Please, let's try this.

I didn’t realize how much this meant to her. I had never heard someone talk about how much they cared about a plan like this. Suddenly, all I wanted was to make her happy so on a whim I agreed. 

“Ok, let’s do this.” I stood up and tried to picture her in front of me but I didn’t know what she looked like so I repeated her words through my head and willed them to form a being in front of me. I repeated them over and over again, wanting it to work badly because she wanted it to work. I didn’t even know if this was possible but something about us both thinking of it made it just feel like fate. 

“Rain?” I heard her voice again but it didn’t feel like before. It was like she wasn’t speaking in my head anymore.

My eyes snapped open at the notion and I saw a girl in front of me, in my room. “Cade?”

“Oh my god!” She tried to touch my hand but somehow, inexplicably, hers went right through it. Could we not touch each other? 

I leaned forward and ran a hand through the area where her torso should have been but it was like touching air. “Strange,” 

The two of us both looked up and made eye contact, sharing a confused smile. Her eyes were some strange mix of blue, green and yellow but they were pretty. Not objectively pretty, just normal pretty.

I looked at her for a moment, really looked at her. She was taller than me but I didn’t mind. She wore black combat boots and on top of her outfit was a peculiar silver cloak which seemed to shine in the light for her. She had amazing brown hair which was filled with natural streaks which were slightly lighter and everything about how was just perfect.

She was beautiful. For once in my life I truly found someone to be beautiful. It wasn’t the way she looked but just- the way she was. It was beautiful.

“Do you want to sit?” I asked, gensuring to my bed. 

Her eyes scrunched, “I can’t see your surroundings Rain.”

“Oh.” With that I sat down on the floor, right where I was. How did I come to find her beautiful? How could I feel this way? This overwhelming warmth and positivity about a person felt so forign I questioned whether or not I was making up the feeling but I wasn’t. I knew I wasn’t.

“Hey, have you read the Winbur Chronicles?” she asked after a while.

“Of course!” I exclaimed, happy to be rid of the silence. It didn’t make me uncomfortable but I worried that she didn’t like the silence and if she didn’t like then I didn’t want it to be there.

“Siki side or Ciwa side?” She was referring to the two opposing forces in the war that the Winbur Chronicles focused on. Both sides had done bad things and good things, they just had wildly different moral codes so it brought up a very interesting moral dilemma.

“Ciwa I think,” I responded but she looked taken aback. With that we had entered into yet another debate about good and bad because there was always something in a book to debate and just like that we were thrown into another long conversation.

I sat down at another lunch with Aurora and Chena. Chena and Henry had been together for two weeks now but they still refused to tell anyone. Henry's wavy, dark brown hair formed small squiggles on his forehead which Chena seemed to always play with, having too short hair to do it himself.

It was ok though, I had been speaking to Rain constantly, our conversations never ceased and they had become the only thing that got me through each day.

Somehow, Aurora and Sam had become a 'thing' as well. 

One day Aurora had rushed over to me and exclaimed, "I did it! I asked Sam out just like you told me to!" and I just nodded along nonsensically, having no memory of counselling her on her feelings.

I didn't really understand what them being together would mean but now she seemed to spend every waking hour with this tall, strong, gorgeously handsome man whose short black hair, perfectly sharp jawline and thin but robust figure should have made everyone grovel. 

So now, I found myself somewhat alone. I didn't want to say I minded, a little bit of alone time after spending the first three months with Aurora and Chena everyday had been overwhelming but suddenly there was a big change and well, change was change. I didn't have any direct dislike of change but it was... unusual. Yes, that was a good word for it, the change felt unusual. 

I wasn't used to sitting alone but with my newfound lack of pretectors, Fena had been vicious lately. It felt like a sort of never-ending cycle where no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't escape her. I spent many days in fear, sitting alone and preying she wouldn't find me. At some points I had tried to join Aurora and Sam but they had their stories, their inside jokes and their shared kisses to the point where I didn't even feel comfortable around them. I had been trying to sit in more public places but I didn't enjoy it. It just reminded me of my lack of friends and all I really wanted to be was alone in the dark forest. I had spent some time alone with Dolion but I limited our interactions to once a week and always declined when he suggested we hang out more than that, I didn't want to overdo anything and make him of me because he was all I had left.

Except for Rain. My god, there was no one I was more happy to have then him. He was everything and if I could talk to him once a day, or once every other day, that was all the interesting conversation I needed to satiate me for a lifetime. 

It had only been two weeks but I already felt closer to Rain than anyone else. We would spend hours on end talking about various books. He knew everything about my life. I had told him about Chena and Henry; Aurora and Sam; even Dolion. He always tried to help but other than making me feel better, there wasn't much I could do. I had tried to explain all my classes to him but it was hard when I didn't want to admit I was a sorcerer. Maybe because I didn't think he would believe me, or he would think I was crazy and never talk to me again, but that wasn't why, I just wasn’t sure what was.

We constantly had all of these long conversations about philosophy and the meaning of life which neither of us seemed to comprehend. Just the day before we had been talking about the make-up of who everyone is and whether personalities existed from birth or were created upon upbringing. He thought the latter was true but I didn't agree. The conversation somehow morphed into sensory deprivation and an inability to grow and after many, many, incohesive tangents we found ourselves back to the same topic five hours later. So many things with us were about the 'what-ifs' of reality, as if we both so badly wanted to escape but we wouldn't ever admit it, we couldn't but that was ok because pretending it was speculation as we talked to the other, that was enough.

When I heard an obnoxious laugh from Aurora I was brought back to the present. She sat next to me but not with me. Sam had whispered something in her ear and now he smiled as she laughed, hand around the bare skin of her waist, tucked so subdly under the fabric of her loose shirt, it could have been an accident. 

I wanted to ask them about the joke but I didn't. I probably wouldn't have found it funny anyway. I desperately wanted to say something to join their conversation but as was with everything I could tell they didn't want me to so I sat alone in silence. 

I tried to watch people-watch, as I used to love, but it had lost its appeal. The table was long so I couldn't see everyone but of the people I could, I knew all there was to know so they had become boring and predictable. 

I looked at Dolion for a moment, his wavy blonde hair was getting longer, almost to my length but in the way that guys wore it. He had told me before that he would cut it but he was waiting. I waited as well because there wasn’t much else to do. 

Watching him, I thought about how I liked the way that his hair moved when his head bobbed up and down because he was laughing. The way he looked around his friends with the facade of calm and happiness made me feel the same way so I just continued to watch from afar.

Without warning, I found him looking back at me. Our eyes were suddenly locked and I wouldn't break it. I stared into the deep, piercing light blue of them and I couldn't quite tell what was going on but for a moment I was lost. When I found myself again I saw he looked lost too, maybe even sad a bit. I wanted to do something, I couldn't stand him with that deep sadness in his eyes, but I watched him, locked in. What did I have? What did I have in life, in any of it? Why was he looking at me like that in a way that I couldn't quite control but just made my heart want to burst?

There were so many questions I had about him, so much I wanted to say but our shared stare didn’t help, it just brought up more questions. 

I kept looking, deeply, but my mind was shifting. I kept looking into his eyes but I wasn't anymore. They were Rain's eyes. Now I was looking into Rain's eyes and I couldn't move. I was transfixed and I had to force myself to breathe normally but all of it was so hard. Rain shouldn't have been able to do this to me. It wasn’t even him, just my imagination of his eyes shouldn't have been able to do this, to render me so completely immoble that nothing felt real anymore and all I so desperately wanted was to do was slide into them, to meet his eyes but they weren’t there.

I wanted to see the deep, dark sea of navy that they were and never let go. I felt like a sailor lost in the ocean but I didn't want to go home. All I wanted was to be a part of it, to drown myself in it and never get to leave the sea again because I felt some kind of way about it but it didn't make sense. I couldn’t understand it and the easiest thing would always be to pretend the deep sea I longed for so badly wasn't real. 

And so I smiled and looked away. I was looking away from Dolion and Rain alike, I was looking away from it all and I wasn't willing to deal with the pain because it was all just too much, my emotions were too big and I didn't like it. I missed the muted, self-sufficient person I had been before I came here, who wouldn't have been sad when her friends left her and wouldn't have gotten attached to anyone, ever. Somehow I vaguely knew that person was gone and the notion that she could come back was so far away I didn't bother to grasp for it.

With that I looked at the clock on the wall and was thankful to find that it was two in the afternoon. None of the primary year students had class right now but Madame Pama had given me a set of cryptic instructions telling me to meet her in the upstairs area of the Main Building, where students were usually strictly not allowed. 

Still, her instructions had been clear so I roughly tossed my stachel over my shoulder and opened the door which I knew to lead to the upper floor.

I let the door bang closed behind me and face the set of wooden, neatly sanded stairs with suspicion. I desperately didn’t want to get in trouble. If no one else here liked me, at least the teachers thought I was a good student. 

I quickly went up them, forcing myself not to run and making a deliberate effort to be quiet. 

After that I was faced with a hallway the length of the entire Main House and I didn’t know exactly where to go so I just backed myself into a corner and slid the strap of my bag into my hands, taking up as little space as possible. 

I wasn’t sure what to do and my worries simply increased after I waited a minute without any sign of Madame Pama. I began to bite the inside of my cheek and scanned around the hall a bit, looking for some sort of clock so I could decide on a time to leave after Madame Pama didn’t show up. There was no clock though so I just stood in silence.

Finally, after what felt like an infinite amount of time but couldn’t have been more than a minute or two, I heard the door I had entered through open.

I tried not to look, keeping a casual facade but when they came up next to me I looked over and saw very distinctly, it was Dolion. 

“Madame Pama send you here too?” He asked.

“Yeah,” I giggled a bit and pulled a strand of hair behind my ear, suddenly acutely aware of it’s position. 

“What do you think we’re doing?” He asked, stepping closer to me. 

“I don’t know.” I leaned against the wall a bit and he joined next to me.

“How’s your day been? I saw both your friends got boyfriends,” he teased. 

I sighed, “don’t remind me.”

“You’re next you know,” he responded, elbowing me with a grin.

I was about to ask what exactly he meant by that but unexpectedly Madame Pama was walking up the stairs and our conversation ceased. 

“Follow me,” she spoke, not even stopping as she walked past the two of us, and strode into a room on our left. 

Her normal curly grey hair seemed to be tied above her head in a messilier fashion than usual and her cloak only rapped over one shoulder but neither of us said anything and we simply followed her, rushing into the room behind her quick pace. 

Upon entering, I had to stifle a gasp. We were in a huge room. It was one so large that I would never have believed it existed in the Main Building had I not just walked through to it myself. Dolion stood next to me, equally in awe. 

We both saw that Madame Pama who was standing in the middle of the room, facing away from us, had taken her boots off and without instruction we did the same. 

The ground was not wood but what felt like a soft silky fabric all over. On the walls there were mirrors. No, the walls themselves were mirrors. The entire room looked like mirrors. The ceiling was slanted as everyone knew the ceiling to the Main Building to be. There was a large skylight reaching from where we stood to the other side of the long room which I had not expected to exist. 

Dolion was the first to speak up, asking the question I hadn’t been able to. “Where… are we?”

She smiled at us. “We are in what I like to refer to as the telepathy room, it is very exclusive.”

Telepathy? I could feel my breath catch. Telepathy was what I had been doing with Rain. If we weren’t sure that was what it had been called, now I could be. Was it possible that she had found out about that? Was she going to separate us? Would I be separated from the person I cared about the most? I felt sick. How could she possibly know about that? Was it because she was a high level eight? I had to fight to keep my face placid and my breathing steady as my mind spiraled. 

“Telepathy? What even is that?” Dolion stood calmly.

“It is a specific sect of Mental Manipulations,” Mental Manipulations? I prayed that wasn’t what I thought but it likely was. “Where you can communicate with others through your mind alone.” 

Dolion stood deathly still, a hand rested over his mouth and his eyes were so large they seemed close to bulging out of his skull but he didn’t speak.

“Mental Manipulations are a sorcerer ability only available to those who are extremely powerful.”

“Powerful?” I echoed.

“Yes, I actually brought you two here because you can do telepathy, you’ve both recently become high sixes.” She paused for a moment as that sunk in. “It’s very rare we have two people as powerful as you at the academy at the time and I’m sure you will both do great things in the battle against the Haar but right now, it is time for telepathy.”

“Wow.” Dolion looked wonderstruck. “Can you do telepathy?”

“I’m a level eight, what do you think?” 

“Right.” He thought for a moment “Sorry.”

“Now firstly, you two will walk to the other side of the room. I will communicate with you telepathically and you will try to tune everything out and just focus on really hearing my voice inside your head.” We nodded and she continued. “What we will be doing right now is establishing a telepathic link. It’s extremely hard to communicate with someone the first time and it requires close proximity but once you are able to you will be able to communicate with them from anywhere in the world.” 

I nodded once more and the two of us began to walk to the other side of the room. We walked slowly, our steps unsteady, and uneven. 

When we reached the other wall we both turned around and faced her. Dolion didn’t quite know how to stand and he put his hands up as if getting ready for a fist fight. He quickly seemed to realize that was pointless and spread his legs a bit, lowering his hands and adopting a ready, balanced stance.

Looking at me, I stood normally, the way I would in a conversation with a friend. His face turned red and he too, tried to stand casually. 

“Ready?” We heard Madame Pama call from the other side of the room, “I suggest you close your eyes. 

I did as she asked and assumed Dolion had too. It would seem that she had no idea about my daily talks with Rain and internally, I was thankful. I supposed there was nothing wrong with talking to him, he was just a peasant archer looking for work, but I wanted to keep our friendship secret. I cringed at the word friendship. Yes, friendship, that was what it was. Right? I brushed the thought aside as Madame Pama began to speak.

Can you hear me? Her distinct voice was now in my head, the same way as when Rain and I had communicated telepathically. It was coming from everywhere yet nowhere, echoing off all the walls yet imperceptible. Rain and I could now see each other, but before it had been just like this. 

Without thinking, I whispered “Yes,” sending it to Madame Pama telepathically as I had done so many times with Rain; it now felt like a second nature. 

“Yes,” Dolion said out loud and forcefully. 

Nothing happened for a while so I opened my eyes. Madame Pama stood five feet from me. “How did you do that so fast Cade?”

“Do what?”

“You responded to me telepathically.” She took a step closer. Was I only able to do that because of my talks with Rain? I felt so stupid, of course she wouldn’t have a class on something like this if I could get it immeaditly. 

“Did I?” I asked, trying to sound naive.

“Yes.” She looked at me skeptically. “Have you ever done that before?”

“No.”

She looked me up and down and nodded once more. “Alright.” She stepped back now, addressing both Dolion and myself. “Let’s try that again, feel free to just focus on hearing my voice rather than responding. Once you feel comfortable with that try to respond telepathically. I don’t expect you to get it by the end of this class but,” she looked at me pointedly, “you may.” 

Dolion and I realized at the same time that we had both drifted closer to the middle of the room so now we had to take a few steps back as Madame Pama turned around and walked in the other direction.

Try again. It was Madame Pama’s voice but this time I purposely didn’t respond.

“Yes,” I could hear Dolion’s response again but whether he had telepathically communicated it to her was unclear. 

Once more. 

“Yes.” Dolion had spoken once more, however I said nothing.

Try again, Dolion. Focus on my voice. Hear it in your mind, let it resonate through you. Picture it, visualize space and time. Imagine a tunnel or a string, in it, connecting you and I and respond through that, make your voice echo in my head. 

“Yes,” we both said now. I knew mine had worked but was unsure of the effects of his. Everyone was quiet for a moment, possible success hanging in the air.

After our anticipation built a significant amount, Madame Pama burst into a huge smile. “Never have I had two students achieve telepathy so fast. Both of you, do it again.”

“Can you hear me?” I asked.

“Fiddlesticks.” Dolion said.

“Wonderful! Three more times.”

“Testing one two three.” I said.

“Beelzebub?” Dolion smiled.

“Second test,”

“Snickerdoodle,”

“Third test,”

“Ragamuffin.”

At that I put my hands on my knees, doubling over laughing at how bizarre everything Dolion had said was. His voice was so silky and strong. Every tone he used was absolutely wonderful. I loved every bizarre thing he said and I wanted him to keep talking just so I could hear more but… I wasn’t sure what the but was but I could tell it was there. Somewhere in my subconscious there was a catch and I couldn’t quite piece everything together yet but I would soon, I knew it. 

Madame Pama raised two hands above her head, immediately commanding our attention. “Cade, Dolion, I am simultaneously shocked and impressed by how fast a full grasp of the topic has come to you two.”

The two of us smiled and he pumped a fist in the air. “Let’s go again!”

“Ok,” She said, arms crossed but steady eyed and with just a glimpse of a smile. “You can communicate with different intensities.” This was news to me. “Some, you will have to mentally strain to hear, and some you're going to have to try not to physically be affected by. Let’s do a low intensity one first.”

I closed my eyes. Can you hear me? She asked the question again but it felt quieter, more faint.

“Yes,” I responded

“Naturally,” came Dolions voice. 

Can you hear me? It was softer now, more like a hiss. I felt the urge to walk towards her so I could hear better though somehow I knew it wouldn’t make a difference. Can you? She said it again, the same intensity. It felt so small, like I was reaching for her but everytime I took a step forward she took a step back. The quiet magnitude of her voice said so much. It wielded so much power yet felt so far away.

“Yes.” I whispered. It was quiet. I didn't expect them to hear but they could.

“Really Cade?” It was Madame Pama speaking out loud now, I quickly opened my eyes.

I opened my eyes once more. “Yes, when I focused I could.” 

“Good job Cade, don’t worry Dolion, you’ll get it. Let’s do one high intensity just so you can quickly experience it before we have to go.”

“Have to go where, Madame Pama?” Dolion asked, brows furrowed.

“It’s almost time for your next classes.”

“What?” I said, voice higher than intended. It had felt like a mere ten minutes.

“You two have been here for nearly an hour and a half.” We both stared at her in awe. “With all the work you’re doing, time flies.” She laughed. “Close your eyes again.” We both did as she asked.

It came in my head with the level of a scream, This is high intensity telepathy. It was loud and reverberative. I didn’t breathe for a moment and I could hear my heart beating in my ears. Instinctively, I dropped to the ground and tightly pressed my arms to my ears. As a sensible person would have guessed, I didn’t work. I stayed, knees on the ground and ears pressed tightly for a moment, her echoes still in my ears. 

Finally opening my eyes I looked to where Dolion had previously stood on my right. He now lay on his back, next to the back wall, his face contorted in what seemed like Pain.

I got back to my feet as Madame Pama reached him. “Are you ok?” I looked at him, fearful that he had been hurt. 

He gave a short, quick nod.

Madame Pama gave him her hand and he slowly stood up. “This is why we have the soft floors,” she said.

Dolion gave her a rough thumbs up in response. 

“In one weeeks time, you two will try to communicate with each other and I can teach you two how to change the intensity you speak with.”

The two of us nodded, myself smiling, and I put a hand under Dolions arms, helping him walk to the door. He wrapped his arms around me as well, though he didn’t seem to need my support. 

Reaching the stairs he insisted he was fine and could walk on his own so I let go of his shoulder and we quickly walked down them. 

At the bottom he held the door for me and I responded with a quick, satirical, "why thank you," but I couldn't tell exactly why he had done that when I was extremely capable of exiting a room myself. 

"Do you have class now?" he asked as we strode towards the exit of the main building. 

"Yeah," I responded quickly, "Controlling Offensive Magic Through Weapons, sorry."

"No worries! Can I walk you there?" 

"Sure!" I responded, happy to get more time with my only genuine friend at the Academy.

He smiled and looked down at his hands, first intertwining them forwards, then backwards. I was tempted to ask him what was the matter but I didn't, I just walked in silence for a moment. 

"What's your next class?" I asked, feeling discomfort from the silence. 

"Metal elemental manipulations but it's a six so I have a lot of time." 

I nodded but wasn't quite sure how to react.

"Hey, can I ask you a question?" He spoke the sentence extremely quickly but I tried not to be dismayed.

"Sure." 

"So you know how the winter dance is coming up soon? Like- um- not this weekend but the next one. And I know both your friends have dates and you don't,"

Who was he to say that I didn't have a date? Of course, I didn't have one but how could he possibly be sure of that? I wanted to argue back but by the tone of his voice he hadn't gotten to the point yet so I let him finish.

"Well, I know we have almost a month till it but," He twirled a strand of hair in his finger, "I was wondering if maybe you would want to come with me? It could be super relaxed but it might be fun and you know, Chef Barnaby always makes great meals for these things and-" he stopped as I didn't speak. 

Was he, a final year sorcerer, asking me to the dance? I wanted to laugh but I didn't. No one had ever liked me in 'that way' before and felt stunned. I didn't even know what love felt like and I was tempted to say yes just to not hurt his feelings but that would be worse and I didn't want to be in a relationship with him. Yes, that was something I could be sure of, I didn't want to be in a relationship with him. 

All those things that the books I used to read had always described, I didn't feel them with him.

I loved him, but it was a friend's love, it was the type of strong bond that was shared between siblings, not lovers, it was something that we would always have, but no more.

Had I ever felt love though? What if I was just misinterpreting what love was? I could end up going my whole life without ever feeling love just because I was expecting that feeling 'that way' would be more than it actually was.

But that didn't make sense. I didn't want to have to settle for someone who wasn't everything under the merit of the idea of love. Even if I went my whole life without finding someone perfect, that would be better than pretending I had when I had not, right?

"Cade?" Dolion asked again, "What, do you not want to?"

But I had met someone perfect. Dolion was so far gone from my thoughts right now I couldn't even register his speech but I had met someone who was perfect and so much better than that. I had met someone who I could talk to for hours and still be near tears when they had to go. I had met someone who I would always want more of, no matter how much I would get. 

I would focus on letting Dolion down kindly later but right now I was focused on someone else. Someone with the most beautiful black hair and navy eyes. Someone who was always kind and gentle and soft with their tone in a way that rendered me useless. Someone who was so smart and could have the best intellectual conversations with me except when it came to math where they suddenly became the least competent person in the world but in the cutest possible way. Someone I was in love with. Everytime he laughed, every time he smiled or got really sad, I could tell.

"Rain," I whispered, so low Dolion couldn't hear it but that didn’t matter to me. "Rain."

Exactly two weeks after winning the fight I found myself in my first meeting with the other Supreme Commanders. Every one of us had arrived on time by the exact minute and it was only slightly scary how well I was fitting in on day one of the job. 

I wore the Supreme Commander Uniform which was very similar to my original uniform but was much higher quality. On the top left hand side of the jacket there was a black patch, clarifying our position. 

Looking around the room another thing I noticed was that there was no reason to wear the uniform perfectly if there was no one to be mad. I noticed now actually that none of the other Supreme Commanders wore theirs perfectly and decided it must be a way to show off their power. 

Dana, the youngest Supreme Commander before me, wore black jeans instead of the standard Cargo pants and I could see her coat was laced with a black fur. Scarn and Alcabey Hector simply wore their jackets open during the meeting. 

Vector Sampson was no doubt happily retired on some lavish beach estate by now, the thought was laughable. Such a great man reduced to someone so useless.

I caught eyes with Michael for a brief moment and a shiver went down my spine. I was so genuinely excited to be working with the man I had always idolized but never seen in a work setting that now I didn't know how to feel. Excitement wasn't quite the right word but I wasn't emotionally numb to the situation and that was enough for me. 

I remembered what Michael had instilled in me very young, the need to do well. Here, right now, looking at him, I knew I had to. I would work hard, harder than everyone there. I would keep this position and I would become like them. I would become powerful and feared, I just knew it.

When we all sat down at the round table, Scarn Spoke first. Everyone spoke in perfect dialects and accents so I couldn't discern much about where in the kingdom they had come. "So. Rain Than. We all saw you kill a man last we spoke."

I remained quiet but noticed they were all looking at me and an answer was required on my end. "Well, that was the objective, was it not?" I made eye contact with her.

"It was." she went back to looking at everyone else, a smug expression on her face. I assumed by the lack of mention of our shared last name that everyone was already aware of the relation between Michael and I. 

"What do you want the papers to say for your name?" Alcabey Hector spoke in an extremely high voice. "We can do any combination of your first, middle, or last name."

"I think Rain Than works," I responded gruffly. "No need for a middle name." 

He nodded. 

It took me a moment to really realize what he had just said. The papers. My name would be published in the papers. I could feel my heart rate accelerate and I wondered if anyone else could tell. 

Cade was the only person in the world who I wouldn't want to see this. Though I had never asked her, she seemed like the type to agree with the Northern Empire. I didn't want her to see that and decide she never wanted to talk to me and lose the only person I had right now. I didn't want to lose the only person I had ever had. 

At that moment I wanted nothing more than to crouch into a ball and pretend none of my problems existed and everything was just Cade and I, alone in the universe but I couldn't so I remained seated. 

"Rain," Michael began, "In your first few months as Supreme Commander you will be doing some smaller tasks to deal with the Main Base and the People in it. Over this transitional period of time, we will all be showing you our main chosen focus as Supreme Commander and in exactly one month you will be meeting the General Haar."

Their individual tasks sounded interesting to learn about but I hadn't expected to be meeting the general Haar in an amount of time as soon as a mere month. There were theories that no living person had ever met him and obviously these four were proof of the falsehood in that but I was shocked that the empire's biggest secret would be opened up to me in a mere month.

There was a bit more conversation but nothing particularly interesting or worth paying attention to, even if it was about me. I noticed my side starting to throb once more but I ignored it, I would put new bandages on after the meeting. Thankfully though, my hands were healing shockingly well. 

The Supreme Commanders asked if I had been moved into my newer, larger living space and I said I had. They asked if I had questions and I said I did not.

Scarn made a comment about how this wasn't a legitimate meeting topic and I wanted to agree but I didn't. Instead I just listened as they went over the complexities of running the Empire, how exactly the people were split up, the military forces, and much more. I felt almost as if I should have brought something to write this all down on but I hadn't so I just tried my best.

Michael got up first, followed by Alcabey Hector and Scarn but Dana stayed sitting, staring at me. I didn't move but I didn't look at her either so it stayed like that till everyone else was gone. 

"Rain." she finally spoke once the large room was empty.

I turned slightly to face her."Hello," I responded curtly, inclining my head.

"So how does it feel rising to the top?" She asked. Her tone and posture had changed so she now sat back on her chair, one ankle resting on the knee of her other leg and her fingers were drumming the arm rests. 

"Quite pleasant I suppose." I stayed stiff, not quite sure what she was getting at. 

"Oh please, Than." She casually cracked her knuckles and spoke my last name in a falsely sweet tone. "You're here. You made it. Now you don't have to answer to anyone else ever again. You can do whatever you want and no one's gonna call you out on it." She lowered her voice but it seemed to echo throughout the whole room. "So. What do you want?"

I crossed my arms behind my head and casually leaned back in the chair. "It's true, I don't have to listen to anyone anymore." I ignored her last question. "Except the Supreme Haar of course."

"Sure but he never leaves his wing of the base so that shouldn't be a worry."

"He doesn't?" I questioned how somebody could possibly be incharge of the largest military and empire in the world without ever leaving such a small space as that and suddenly I found myself becoming legitimately interested in the conversation. "What does he even do though?"

She laughed a bit, but it wasn't a kind laugh. "Than, you have a lot to learn." Did I? "No one has ever" she spoke the last word as if it were a knife, "seen him this place." 

I bit down on my tongue.

"We all see him at different points once a month and talk to him about what's going on in the empire and such and he councils, he delegates, but he never does any of the work himself. He’s mysterious and strange and things about him seem to change and none of us could likely name a single concrete fact about that man." She smiled, as if she were a kid telling a scary story that was serving its purpose. "He makes people feel scared and something about his mere air in the room has been enough to make other supreme commanders quit. He has some sort of way to him that scares people." Did it? I felt sure she was making all this up but why would she?

 "But hey, maybe it'll be different for you." She licked her lips and with a smile she got up and left the room, leaving me sitting there, alone with the echo of her words. 

I numbly walked back to my room and sat down on the cold area of the ground, where there was no rug. 

I pulled out the book Cade and I had both decided to read and then talk about, Fault Be Hasty. It followed a very young orphan child. As I began to realize though, the story was less thematically about her and more related to the world around her and the way she perceives it. 

At first I hadn't enjoyed much but Cade wouldn't let me quit so I had continued and much to my annoyance I found myself beginning to deeply enjoy the book as the protagonist was for the first time coming into some of the dark, raw parts of life and her desperate need to cope but inability to do so had pulled me in.

Cade and I had agreed to talk at nine which was when her nighttime class ended. 

After a few hours, the book reached its close and I was disappointed to admit how wonderful I had found it to be. 

I checked my clock and saw I had just over an hour before Cade and I could talk and I didn't want to start a new book mere minutes after finishing the other so I resolved to go on a run. 

I pulled my jacket off which left me in just my cargo pants, boots, and a black long sleeve shirt which seemed fine enough for running. With that I walked through the many winding hallways and out the main entrance where I took up a jog heading north.

I didn't quite know why I kept up this charade of running, some days it hurt and others I didn't break a sweat after thirty miles but it never seemed to make me stronger. 

Unintentionally but as I had known they would, my thoughts began to shift to Otis. For the past two weeks my mind had constantly been flashing to the single, vivid picture of his severed head. Streaks of bright red blood poured down his neck in these perfectly straight lines which contrasted so it almost looked striped and lower down where the blood stopped pouring it was like a candle where the wax had dripped,a dn dried once more in its place. 

His simple black T-Shirt had been a dirty, mudded color that was some mix between black, brown, and the thick red of his own blood and mine. I had been on top of him, one knee on either side, pushing the sword into his neck. I remembered the feeling of blood dripping off me in a large stream and pooling on his chest, mixing our to up until the moment his head had fully separated from his body and his eyes which had moments before been bright, filled with rage, and maybe just a little scared, were now empty and emotionless. 

I somehow remember getting off him and just seeing the blood gushing out of his head but being too dazed to really comprehend anything myself. Well I could comprehend it now. I could now comprehend what I had done, what I had taken away for not the first time either. 

Otis had been a good, honorable enough man and it was my fault no one would ever see him again. I wasn't sure how that made me feel. 

I began to feel the pain of my side, still freshly wounded. I wore a new set of the tight, white bandages every day but they didn't do me much good. It had only earlier this week stopped bleeding everytime I stretched so I supposed that was good but a part of me wished it still bled. A part of me just liked the look of my own, bright red liquid running down my side and leaving it's own streaks on my paper-pale skin. I liked it when I didn't touch the blood, so as not to let it smudge, and the lines were perfect and straight.

I liked the pain as the blood ran out slowly, with a stinging sensation that just made me feel so at home. 

If it were back at my old base, where I wore long jackets and pants as I used to everyday I would have made more blood after I sat there, carefully watching the old dry. I always tried to refrain but any craving I had for blood I was always able to satiate with only myself and I had liked it. I had liked every moment of and suddenly looking back something about that just seemed so messed up but I didn't want it to be.

I hadn't done that recently anyway. I hadn't hurt myself in the slightest since before that night with Vavi, Otis, and Tatoute. It was the night I got drunk and there was that girl I didn't like and I heard Cade. 

Oh, Cade.

It felt like since then every focus I had had about myself became minute as I began to focus on her constantly. She was plaguing my mind but unlike otis I loved it. She was the one person who I actually cared about. It was strange and unusual and this feeling of care was never something that I had experienced in my life so now that I was here I just got to spend every waking moment in utter confusion and trying to understand what these feelings I had were. 

I wanted to spend every waking moment with her, to never leave her side. I wanted to talk with her for hours and hours and then do it again and again and again because everything she said seemed to shatter my world and with every word she spoke her powerful voice radiated with me in a way nothing ever had before. 

I loved how my words could just flow out around her. I loved how I could tell her everything that was going wrong with my life and that I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her about it in a way I never had before. I could be raw and emotional around her and she comforted me and I loved it like nothing else. 

She challenged me and made me think and we could disagree yet everytime we had a difference of opinion I came out of it with a new perspective and new outlook on everything. The conversations we had changed the way I thought about everything around me and unlike had ever been the case, when I was with her I wasn't alone.

I wanted to hold her hands. To really hold them. I wanted to touch her soft, perfect skin while looking into her huge eyes and I wouldn't let go. I wanted to feel her, I needed to feel her so badly. I wanted to lie down and hold her forever in my arms, cherishing her just the way she was.

I felt my throat getting hot and I stopped running. What was this? What was she doing to me? I didn't want to get attached to other people- but I did. I had never wanted to get attached to other people until I met her but now all I craved was more attachment.

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard a rustle in the trees behind me but I didn't see anyone. It was quite dark now, and I didn't want to cry. 

I rubbed my eyes and decided I should go back to the Haar Main base. Upon seeing the placement of the moon I realized that somehow, amidst my spiraling thoughts of Cade, I had lost track of time. 

I turned to go back but inexplicably, a shadow seemed to rush behind me and I tried to face it, startled, but no one was there. I tried my best to take a deep breath but it was shaky. My mind was playing tricks on me, it had to be. 

I took a step forward but with warning I felt the blow of a blunt sword hit the back of my head. It was the type of blow meant to knock someone out but I just barely maintained consciousness. I found myself stumbling forward, only to fall on my stomach and gained that very distinct feeling of it becoming harder to breathe upon the impact but I told myself I was fine, I was just a little scraped up.

I quickly turned over but I didn't get up, I didn't know where my attacker was. I saw two shapes standing in front of me, silhouettes in the darkness, moon behind them.

One seemed to be a tall, slim man with defined muscles while the other was large and bulky but no doubt just as strong. I could've sworn I recognized them but I couldn't place from where. Internally, I cursed myself for not paying more attention to the people around me.

"What's wrong Rain?" Rang out a full, loud voice, "Don't like it when fights aren't biased for you?" Where had I heard that voice before? Vave. Of course. The two men standing before me were Vave and Tatoute, Otis' friends. 

They walked towards me slowly but I didn't dare to get up, they would only lunge at me and I was unarmed so it wouldn't do me any good.

Staying close to the ground I slowly began crawling backwards. I knew they could see me doing it but it would seem to be caused by fear, insignificant to them.

"What's that?" Vave spoke again, "Too scared to speak?"

When I found my back pressed against a pile of rocks I stopped crawling. "I'm not scared." I spoke in a low, inviting tone but it was unlikely they noticed.

"We tried to be your friends Rain," Tatoute was speaking now, "We hung out with you but you were always such a narcissistic asshole and then-" I could hear him unsheathe his sword, "You killed Otis. For that, you will die." 

I fit each of my hands around a large rock and slowly began to stand, holding them behind my back. I gritted my teeth together, "Come f*cking try," I responded, a large smile on my face. I was excited. This was exciting. Just because I didn't need to, didn't mean I didn't want to kill them. 

Maybe it was a brief relapse of the part of me I was so sure Cade had helped me release but I was craving to kill them, as if the moment couldn't come fast enough. 

They had made a mistake because it was dark, I had good night vision, and I was fast, so really they had never stood a chance. 

Tatoute made a thrust towards me and I ducked under it, stepping towards him. I stayed low and with a quick thrust I hit him in his lower torso with one of the rocks. He tried to hit my back with his sword as he doubled over and I could feel fresh cuts of blood forming but I liked the rush. 

I grabbed his arm and twisted it, causing him to drop the sword. With that I hit him in the face with the rock and his body was thrown backwards, seeming to lift off the ground from a strike harder than should have been humanly possible to deliver. But I had. His body hit a tree about five feet off the ground and he crumpled, just leaving a red blotch of blood where his head had hit.

Vave stood, eyes wide as he just stared at me for a moment. In the best backhand strike I could deliver I had hit his chest with a rock as well. He stumbled back a bit but I stayed on top of him, my body and the rest of the world a blur of darkness and shadows but it felt like I knew exactly where everything was. 

Vave tried to strike once more and I could feel it as his blade skimmed my shoulder and more blood began to pour down it. In the brief recoil from that strike I hit his head with one of the rocks and he was thrown onto the ground.

With that I got on top of him but my thoughts drifted to Cade. I didn't care that any of this was happening the moment she entered my mind. Any need to kill was vanquished and I just needed to focus on getting back to my room faster so I could see her.

Realizing that I dropped one of my rocks and tightened both hands with the other. I hit his head once but it was hard and the rock had somehow pierced all the way through to the ground below. I watched briefly as his head spouted blood.

I went over to Tatoutes body and looked at it but he was unquestioningly dead. I looked at my hands and flipped them over once. How did I do that? Did it matter? What I could do wasn’t sheer luck, it was beyond the scope of human possibility. That alone, made me feel powerful. 

I grabbed each of their bodies with one hand and slowly I began to drag them to the nearest stream where I slowly and deliberately slipped their bodies in. I watched carefully as they began to float down it. Their bodies were covered in a bright red layer and the moonlight reflected off their wet blood nicely. I smiled. It was a satisfied smile, it was that of one who had just completed a particularly taxing task. 

In a way, I tried to tell myself I had, though it had not felt hard. I gave a brief moment of my time to the moon and then began to sprint back quickly, desperate to see Cade. 

---

When I finally reached my room I was panting but I didn't care. I needed to see Cade so badly that everything else in the world felt insignificant and all that mattered was her. It was like that thirst, that craving I had had for blood and pain and all of it was just gone and I didn't need that, I just needed her. I just needed to look into her eyes, to exist with her. If I could do that then that would be enough.

I had initiated telepathy with Cade before the door behind me even closed and within moments she was right there, standing in front of me. 

"Oh my god, Rain!" She made a move to grab my arms but her arms slid through mine as if I didn't exist like usual. "What happened? Why are you covered in blood?"

"No, Shhh." I was panting so hard I couldn't get the words out but I hoped she had understood. "I- I realized-" I was still gasping from the run and I put a hand to the wall behind me, slowly steadying myself and leaning my head against it. 

She sat down as well and scooted closer to me. Her hands were interlocked and fidgety as she began to speak, "Rain tell me what happened. Are you alright? Do you need medical attention?" I could tell she was trying to keep her voice steady. 

I shook my head back and tried to get my breathing to a normal enough place to speak. After a moment I was calming down but only marginally. "Something happened but it doesn't matter." I truly didn't. My only focus tonight had been Cade and because of that Vavi and Tatoute would cause me no grief in the weeks to come. 

"Ok."

She nodded and I continued. My voice was less raspy now and it had become lower and softer, more similar to its default when I wasn't trying to intimidate Haar officers. More similar to its default when I was talking to Cade. "I realized something today."

She looked me in the eye and I could see her pupils getting larger. "I did too." she whispered. 

"Oh." Just like that I was terrified. I knew how I felt were so close, we had so much going for us, what if I ruined it all? What if I revealed how I felt and everything was over? It could all just fall away around me and I would know that it had been my fault. I didn't want that! I so badly didn't want to lose her like everything else that had ever existed in my life and suddenly it didn't seem worth it to say anything to her. My heart rate was increasing once more and I realized that as my thoughts had spiraled I had been looking off into the distance that was nowhere.

"Rain!" was the first thing I heard when I came back to the real world.

"Cade. Sorry." 

"What happened."

"Nothing- It's not important." I looked away for a moment, I couldn't bear to watch her, it was so important to me but I couldn't be honest and it hurt. 

"Rain please," her voice was soft and comforting, "talk to me." 

She put her warm, soothing hand in mine and with a jolt everything stopped. Our breaths, our thoughts, it was all non-existent. We both just stared at her hand in mine and we refused to move. How was this happening? How was she doing this? I didn't want her to let go. We were holding hands. We were touching. Our existences weren't just passing through each other I could actually... feel her. 

And it was like everything I had expected. Her hand was soft and warm and it was perfect. Everything about her was perfect in a way that no one else ever would be. 

With that we weren't governed by our conscious thought anymore. I had lost control and I found myself leaning into her as she did the same. 

I ran my hands through her hair till they rested on the back of her head and our lips pushed together, pulsing with one another and my joy and excitement, both so uncontainable I could have sworn anyone within a mile could hear my heartbeat. 

We were kissing passionately and intensely. With every movement we were pulling into each other, trying to close the gap between us. We were ensnared in each other, we were a mass of emotions of all colors which I couldn't quite make sense of but for once I didn't mind. We pulled closer and closer together as each inch between us felt like miles to many and no matter how close we became it would be futile but we still needed to try as if us not doing so would mean our demise. 

Something in me had exploded and I just needed to keep going. She was it. She was all there was to life and she was all I needed to live.

We were pulling so hard on the other in this desperate need that we found ourselves on the ground but I didn't matter, nothing did. Nothing was important right now except her and she was everything so, my everything was important right now.

All principles we were governed by had seemed to vanish and I was finally sure, I would never need more than the rough, desperate feeling as our lips intertwined and everything around me seemed to disappear. 

A month or so after Dolion had asked me to the dance I found myself walking into that very event in the big house which had been transformed. The usual table seemed to be gone and the large room was flooded by a bright, silver light. 

A perfectly smooth wall of water seemed to be falling down in the middle of the room which some first years were rushing over to touch and marvel at the perfection it held. I smiled at it but did not get closer. 

I silently reminded myself that it was my birthday and I should be happy but it made no difference, I wasn’t.

A week ago, every year of students had had a different day free of classes where we could go to the nearby towns and buy something to wear to the dance. Naturally, Aurora and Sam had considered it to be a day out together. 

We still talked every now and then so when she had asked me what I was doing I had just made a passive comment about how everything would be too expensive and I would probably just take the opportunity to explore the surrounding towns. Of course because of whatever compulsive need she had, she insisted on lending me money for something and I didn’t want to argue but it made me fume. I hated how she could simultaneously do something that would be considered a nice act and make it seem like she was better than me. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and say it probably wasn’t intentional but I was just so done with her and everything about her. She had been a terrible friend when I needed her most and I couldn’t tell why I had ever trusted her to be there for me.

Chena had invited me to join Henry and himself but it felt to be one more out of obligation than an actual want for me to join them so I had declined. 

Final year students like Dolion had been given a different day off classes but even if they hadn’t, he probably wouldn’t have wanted to do anything with me. Ever since my rejection of him we hadn’t really talked. We still waved to each other in a friendly manner but I wasn’t naïeve enough to believe his feelings had remained unaffected by the whole thing so I had just been keeping my distance. 

So in the end, I had gone on my own to a town four hours away just to generally brood alone. I had found myself with an empty, almost nice day. It was free of friends but also Fena so I didn't mind. In the end I had bought a short pale pink skirt and a tight, black, turtle-neck silk shirt out of an obligation to spend the money Aurora had lent me. 

I wasn’t sure what other girls would wear but it had seemed fine, I would brush my hair and figure it out the day of.

Of course, as the day came and I walked in without my cloak I could feel my face redden. People were wearing all sorts of different things so I wasn’t exactly underdressed but everything made me feel like I was underdressed when I didn’t have my cloak on.

I pulled my skirt down a bit and walked to the table of snacks in the back. There was a group of four people playing music but it seemed to be coming from all around and I quickly picked up on how they were all sorcerers as well.

I picked up a plate and made myself a taco on it, trying to tune out the far too loud sound of banging drums. 

I sat down at one of the chairs around the edge of the room. They weren’t completely empty but most were vacant. I tried to focus on my taco and eating it slowly so I had an excuse not to be dancing with the brave people in the center or talking to a group like most others.

As I was about to take the last bite I saw the lower body of someone walk over to me and sit down one chair over. 

I set the taco back down on the plate and looked up. Unsurprisingly, it was Dolion. He wore a beautiful, slick navy suit and his blonde hair was pushed back into a perfect mane.

“Hey Dolion.” I tried to keep my voice light and friendly.

“Hi.” He paused, “You look ravishing.”

I laughed a bit, hoping he meant that in as platonic a way as possible. “Thanks.”

“Do you want to dance?” he asked, gesturing towards the general center of the room where everyone was doing just that.

I didn’t want to dance with him. I wasn’t in love with him and at that moment I didn’t even want to be friends with him. He had barely spoken to me for a month just because I rejected him and now he was just trying to act like it had never happened when it had. He had been my last friend here and he had abandoned me. I wanted to yell at him right there but I didn’t. “Dolion… I don’t feel that way.”

“No, Cade, not like that!” he laughed, trying to take on his old joking tone, “Just one dance with me, as friends. Please?”

I disliked the idea but with a sigh I obliged. The two of us stood and walked to the center of the room. Dolion casually placed his hands around my waist and I rested mine on his shoulders. It was a slow song but in what I hoped to be the right tempo, we began to sway. 

I watched the motions of his body, all so perfect and synchronized, but my mind began to drift. I began to think about Rain as I did so constantly and I had to bring my thoughts back in. I was dancing with Dolion for a very short amount of time, he at least deserved my attention. 

He moved his foot back and I copied, trying to stay in step with him as we moved. He smiled and I did the same but my eyes were empty of emotion. 

We swayed together for a few minutes but it felt longer when he spoke. “This is nice, isn’t it?”

I nodded and looked away a bit. I wanted to go back to my chair, I wanted to have the last bite of my taco, I wanted to be anywhere but here. 

“Cade,” he tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear and I wanted to gag but I didn’t show it. “Why did you say no to this? Now that we’re dancing right here, right now, isn’t it fun? It’s not scary anymore.” His voice was so soft and kind that I didn’t quite know how to respond so I just nodded along.

The music began to slow as the song eventually came to a close.

“Cade…” he whispered to me, only to me. 

“Dolion this isn’t-”

Without any warning he was kissing me. His lips were soft and precise and I’m sure they would have been nice to kiss if someone wanted to but I didn’t. He kept ignoring my feelings on the subject and what I wanted more than anything right now was to be kissing Rain. His kisses were soft and gentle but also passionate and yearning, as if he could never get enough of me and always longed for more. Dolion’s kiss wasn’t like that. It lacked emotion and it didn’t have that explosive feeling that came whenever I kissed Rain.

Slowly, I pushed Dolion away. “Don’t,” I whispered. I didn’t want to cause a scene but I desperately wanted to get away from him now. I didn’t want what he did and he couldn’t respect that. I knew that would have been the right thing to say but I didn’t. I just whispered, “I’m done here,” and subtly walked back to where I had set the plate with my taco down.

I could see his face had turned bright red and when he turned to me he didn’t wear an expression of anger but rather, one of sadness. I felt bad too but there was nothing to be done or rather, there was nothing I could do.

  I walked over to the food area and delicately placed a breadstick on my plate before sitting back down and slowly chewing. I knew I could leave the dance whenever I wanted to but a part of me just wanted to stick through it because maybe, things would turn up. After sitting on my own just eating and enjoying the music for about fifteen minutes I saw Fena and the usual three girls begin to walk in my direction.

I wanted to get up and walk away but I also didn’t want to call attention to myself so I resolved to stay seated. 

As she came closer it was apparent she was walking over to me. I could feel my whole body trying to pull away from her but my posture remained unaffected. Fena came over and sat on the right side of me with Sasha on the left and the other two on either side of them. 

“What was happening with Dolion over there?” Fena asked, her voice deceptively sweet.

“Nothing. I don’t want to talk about it.” I would have turned away from her but then I would find myself facing Sasha and that wasn’t much better. 

“Ooh,” she laughed at me and the other three joined in. “Something going wrong? Is it because he thinks you’re ugly and stupid and too young?”

“No,” I whispered, unable to bring myself to speak louder.

“Is it because he’s mad that you came onto him and wouldn’t stop?” 

I wanted to get up right then and start yelling at her that that hadn’t happened, it had been the other way around. I wasn’t at fault here, I wanted to be friends with him but that never seemed to be enough for Dolion and I wasn’t in control of how he felt.

I wanted someone to notice what she was doing to me and intervene but the music was so loud and there were so many people that I was sure no one would. 

“What’s wrong Cade, can’t speak anymore? What, are you pretending you’re the victim now?” They all began to laugh and I felt tears welling in my eyes. I didn’t know why I had come to the stupid dance at all. They were just awful and Dolion was mean and my useless friends couldn’t even bother to notice how terrible everything was for me, they were just so wrapped up in their own worlds and I hated it. I hated everything that was happening so much. 

With all the willpower I could muster I silently got up and what I thought was a normal pace walked to the door and exited the Main Building. I could feel myself shaking but I couldn’t bear to show it. I walked back to the house I shared with the other girls which was now deserted.

When I opened the door I rushed to my bed and immediately slipped into my cloak before sitting down. I let my face fall into a pillow and with all the strength I had I yelled into it. When I sat up, tears were streaming down my face and I could barely think coherent thoughts but I needed to talk to Rain. 

All it took was me whispering his name over telepathy and he was there in moments, sitting next to me with his arm wrapped around my back. His body was warm and moved closer to him, as close as I could be. 

I wiped my tears on the back of my sleeve and found myself collapsing into his lap. 

“Hey Cade, what’s wrong.” He was leaning over me and I found him slowly tucking my hair behind my ears but unlike with Dolion I loved him so much for it.

“It’s fine, it’s not important,” I tried to speak but it came out as a broken whisper.

“Yes it is.” His voice was so soft and kind as always. “It is important, tell me what happened.” 

“I-” I coughed a bit and tried to sit back up next to him. “I don’t know, I just hate everyone here.”

“Ok…” his eyes were that deep blue which I always found myself getting so lost in. I could stare at them for hours, just to marvel at the small, fine lines encased by the iris and the peculiar way that light always reflected off them, turning his blue into a gradient.

“It’s just-'' There were a few tears still rolling down my cheeks but my breaths weren’t loud anymore, just silent and deep. “Fena’s just so mean and I don’t know why she hates me! What did I ever do to her? Goddamnit Rain, what right does she have to act that way?”

I looked at him, begging for some answer to make sense of my pain but he just furrowed his brow and shook his head. “I don’t know,” he whispered and his eyes were just barely a bit glossy. He gave me a hug and hugged him back, harder.

“That’s not even the worst of it,” I continued, “Aurora is just so focused on Sam and Henry and Chena are on each other and it’s like they all just forget I exist and just leave me alone and none of them seem to notice when Fena’s being awful. How do they not notice? Why can’t they just be good friends who are there for me?”

“I know, I know.” he patted my back. “I’m here. It’s ok. I’ve got you.” It felt so true. It felt like the truest thing I had heard in so long. They could all leave me but Rain, he would always be there for me and I loved him for it. I loved him so much for it.

“Wait,” I pulled away, “And Dolion was pressuring me to dance with him so I finally said I would.”

Rain cursed under his breath and I could see his eyes briefly widen with a flare of rage. “What did he do. Rain’s words were slow and clipped.

“We were dancing and he was just-” I tried to bite back a fresh round of tears but it felt useless once more. 

Rain took my hand and held it in his, unspeaking. 

“It’s so stupid but he kissed me and I didn’t want him to and god, it made me so angry Rain! I’m so angry at him! He has no f*cking boundries! He knew I didn’t like him back but it was as if he was trying to pretend I did and I hate that so much!”

“I swear to god Cade, I’ll kill him.” Rain was holding my hand really tightly now and it felt like less of a comfort for me and more of a way for him to control himself. He shouldn’t have been that mad for me.

“Rain, he’s my friend.”

He jumped up, “Your friend!” Rain was nearly yelling. “He is not your friend! He has no respect for you and he just wants to get in your pants! He is NOT your friend Cade.”

“Yes. He is Rain. He’s my friend and he’s just going through some sh*t, all of them are. I’m not going to stop being friends with them after a month and a half or so of this.”

“Cade you’ve barely known them for more than four months! What do you mean you won’t stop being friends with them!” He was yelling loudly now but I knew no one at the academy could hear so I didn’t mind. 

I stood up slowly and walked so that I was face-to-face with him and I could feel his breath on mine. “Rain. Don’t tell me how to have my friendships. If I give up on Dolion, Aurora, Chena, and Henry, then I’ll have no one here. Do you understand that.”

“Ok,” His breaths were short and quick, “You’re right.” 

I leaned forward just a small amount and we were kissing again. He had a hand behind my head and waist and both mine were in his hair, gripping it and unwilling to let go. We were both pulling each other closer and closer. Rain was everything. I could lose everything else but if I lost him that would be what broke me.

We stood there, kissing for a few moments focused on nothing but each other till we finally both let out deep, heaving breaths and I sat down on my bed, him joining me. I knew he couldn’t actually see my bed but we had both figured out how to mentally manipulate the position of the other in relation to ourselves so we could easily sit next to each other on our respective things. I still could never see his surroundings though. 

He lay back, stretching himself across where my bed was and I did the same, cuddling up to him.

We lay there embracing in eachothers arms and I never wanted the moment to end. He lightly kissed me on the top of my forehead. I did the same on his neck but it was harder and filled with angst. I felt his breath hitch and when I finally let go he let out his breath in a low, shaky sound of incoherence. I couldn’t help but smile a bit at the red mark I had left.

We didn’t move for the longest time. I breathed in the scent of him and he did the same. I didn’t want him to ever have to go. 

“It’s my birthday,” I whispered, “When I was a kid everyone told me it was the one day of the year where everything was supposed to go right.”

“It’s my birthday too. It wasn’t great but now that you’re here everything is perfect.”

“Oh.”

Occasionally we exchanged a few sentences but we were both tired and rendered so helpless by the other’s close presence that not much conversation came that night. Eventually the other girls came back but I just hid myself under the blankets and Rain stayed with me the whole time. None of them could see him because he wasn’t really there. It felt like he was a secret that only I knew and so we lay silently together all night long.

Two days after my birthday I found myself talking to Cade once more in a heated argument about the author of the book we had both just finished, Ackenheth. 

“Hasparakes was obviously a woman!” I countered. It was too early in the morning for an argument yet here we were. “Her work has a very distinct singular, feminie, tone to it.”

“No! Gah, you’re so stupid! Anyone who knows ANYTHING can tell that Hasparakes was, in fact, multiple people!” She put her fingers out to count as she listed her reasoning, “Hasparakes’ name was almost always spelled differently! If Hasparakes was one person don’t you think they would just decide on a spelling? Plus, Hasparakes sometimes wrote about being in love with a woman and sometimes a man! There were ABSOLUTELY multiple people!” We were both yelling now.

Cutting her off I said, “Cade! People can BE bisexual! Not being able to spell a last name proves nothing! You have NO way to prove that Hasparakes wasn’t a woman!” 

“Fine,” she folded her arms and turned away from me. “I guess we’ll never know.” 

I saw the inkling of a smile partially hidden by her wavy, flowing hair, streaked with natural highlights. I smiled a bit as well, taking a few steps towards her and hugging her from behind.

I rested my head on her shoulder as I did so and she started laughing a bit. She briskly turned around and once more we were leaning into each other and kissing, pulsing back and forth with the movement of the other as our tongues intertwined and we lost the world around us.

She pushed me into a wall and I pulled her towards me, closer and closer even when she could come no more. 

After a while where time seemed to not move we both sunk down into a sitting position, her on my lap. My hands were wrapped around her and I simply embraced her, feeling her warmth. 

“Remember the blood scene?” Cade was reffering to a scene after Ackenheth committed a murder.

“Yeah,” I responded.

“Why did you avoid talking about it all morning?” I found myself surprised by the severity of her question but also with myself. I had not intentionally done so however I did particularly dislike the scene. Hasparakes had taken blood and used it as a symbol of guilt rather than for what it stood for in my own mind.

“I didn’t,” I said in return, not unkindly. I wasn’t exactly sure what blood meant in my mind but it wasn’t negative. In my mind it was a good thing. My mind flashed to a drop of blood running down perfectly smooth skin and I loved it. It wasn’t something I felt a compulsive need for anymore but I loved it all the same.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, we don’t have to.”

“Thank you.” I kissed her on the side of her head and she turned to face me, the two of us embracing once more.

When the clock read five minutes to three, Cade and I separated. She had class and after another kiss I was out of the room. 

The moment I was in the hallway my heart rate began to accelerate. Her distraction was now gone and the only thing that occupied my mind was how in a short hour I would be meeting the Supreme Haar. 

I quickly jogged down the winding staircase, taking each step two at a time, to bring me one floor below where I lived, to see Dana. We were supposed to be deciding whether or not to approve the plan that some Naval Corporals had given us about reevaluating drafter strategy. 

When I reached her door I knocked on it three times, firmly. 

“Go away or I’ll break your f*cking neck,” came the distinct voice of Dana, somewhere in the back of her room.

“It’s Rain.” My voice was hard and low, lacking in all emotion. “We need to go over the drafting strategy plan.”

“Not right now Rain. I’m busy.” Her tone had shifted now that she knew I wasn’t an inferior but she spoke in a quite similar manner to the one I had used.
“We agreed on doing it right now.” 

I heard her sigh and after a moment she opened the door and I walked in. 

“I was just meeting with Scarn.” She glared at me with a look of condescension and I had to remind myself not to knit my eyebrows together because confusion was a sign of weakness. 

Scarn, another one of the five supreme commanders, sat on one of the main chairs in Dana’s living area. Her jacket was undone as usual and for once her black hair wasn’t pulled back into that impossibly tight bun. 

“How long’s this going to take Than?” She took a long sip from the ale in front of her.

I slowly sat down in the chair across from her, slightly taken aback by her relaxed demeanor. In official meetings she had always come off as some mixture of strict, scary, and murderous so now I wasn’t quite sure what to think. 

“Whatever.” She banged the beer down on the chair. “I have sh*t to do.” She stood up and fastened her jacket once more. “Get me when he’s gone, Reha.” She nodded at Dana.

“Come back in thirty.” Dana didn’t speak it as a question and seemed to unconsciously adopt the short, clipped, way of speaking that Scarn did. 

Fully aware she was gone, I still found myself breaking out into a bit of a sweat at her presence. 

“Do you have the transcription?” I asked Dana as she moved into the chair where Scarn had been sitting.

“Yeah.” She picked a few papers up from a neat stack below the table. “We should both probably re-read it.” 

I nodded and her eyes began to skip over the first page, handing it to me when she was done. I read through them as well but stopped halfway through the third page. “So you and Scarn are friends.” I couldn’t contain my curiosity any longer. Dana was probably my only friend here and Scarn was just as scary as Michael and Alceby Hector but because she wasn’t Supreme Commander ten years ago like those two, I had never really met her up until very recently.

“Huh?” Dana looked up at me. “Oh yeah it’s not a big thing. Get over it.”

I couldn’t tell what that was supposed to mean so I went back to reading the transcription. 

“It looks good.” Dana responded once she had read over all the pages. 

I skimmed the last page quickly but I knew she was right. It was important to account for our rapid population growth as an Empire and they had fit it into the drafting process while keeping the navy and army as separate units in an extremely efficient manner. 

“Yeah I agree.” I didn’t get up. 

“Rain, why are you still here then?”

“Oh I don’t know.” I began to get up but I didn’t want to leave. “I’m just going to walk till I meet the Supreme Haar in an hour.”

“Oh.” She chuckled a bit and sat back down. “You’re meeting him today.”

“Yeah.” She had met him before. There had to be something, anything she could tell me just to prepare me. “I am.” I looked at her for a moment, hoping she would say more. She was the only one I had been able to confide in at the Haar base for these few months and I desperately needed her help.

She grinned at me, “You want me to tell you about it don’t you.”

“Yes, desperately.” I appreciated moments like these where she would let her guard down and just for a short period of time, not act like the curt, cruel, judgemental person she seemed to be so often. 

“Hes,” she paused and thought for a moment. “It was… strange. I know you want me to help you out here but the best advice I can give you is to just go in. If you’re polite, loyal to the Haar, and deserving of the position you’re in, all should be fine.”

I wanted to roll my eyes and say that felt ‘like a strangely large if,’ but I didn’t. “Ok.” I sat on the chair thinking over all she had said once more. It would all be ok, it had to. 

“Bye Rain,” she said, walking to the dorr and grinning a bit as I had to rush to catch up. 

I responded, “Later,” and was briskly walking down the hallway once more. 

Without consciously meaning to, I found myself making those all-too-familiar turns and heading to the library. With Cade busy and me desperately in need of a distraction there was only one place logical to go. 

Upon entry I found myself trying to conceal the fact that I had taken a deep breath to smell all the books. The whole room had this sort of old and musty smell that I was in love with. The was the distinct smell of old mahogany, leather bindings, and the smell of dust everywhere but in the best way. The smell of dust because no one ever came in and the books just sat on the shelves, wearing away.

Ms. Fleance had sat in her usual, blue velvet chair against the edge of the room. I still had yet to really talk to her but we had exchanged a word or two from far across the room many times.

Today I started by walking into the second room of the Library. It too was vast and deep but it was where the fiction section began. The first room held all these philosophy and science books, all of which were aimed at subtly promoting the Haar so naturally, were what we wanted most people to read.

I was looking for a very specific book Cade had told me about. It was called Dífrentiaé. I didn’t know much about it but apparently it was an old book, translated from the old eastern language of Cythé. Cythé was a dead language so hopes of finding a translated copy of Dífrentiaé seemed slim but not impossible. 

I slid my eyes over what seemed to be all of the books in the immense room but found nothing. On multiple occasions I had slowly climbed up the creaky, sliding wooden ladders but I could see just fine without them, my eyesight was always quite exceptional when I focused on making it so. 

Without luck I went to the next room and looked through it. I needed to find Dífrentiaé but there were so many books and I was sure that I already missed hundreds in my skimming. Despite that, I continued to read through all of the titles on the worn, red, brown, and black spines. 

I needed some kind of direction, maybe a pointer to which room it was in but I couldn’t get one. Not that I couldn’t get help finding it but I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to ask Ms. Fleance about it. 

Pretty quickly my mind had become tired of looking for the book and I found it circling with the very topic I was trying to avoid, my imminent meeting with The Supreme Haar. 

I cursed myself. I wanted the book. I wanted so badly to sit down and read it, taking in the look of dust as I blew it off the pages and became enthralled in a story as I knew Cade just had when she read it.

I turned around to see Ms. Fleance quickly turn her head away from where I stood in the middle of the second room of the library.

Without the usual book-in-hand I began to walk towards her. When I found myself a few meters away from Ms. Fleance I stopped. “Hello,” I said. I tried to sound strong and powerful as I did with all inferiors but I felt weak and jelly-like. I pinched my right hand with my pointer finger and thumb of my left as I waited for an answer. 

She looked up quite quickly and responded with, “What can I do for you?” not allowing for any pleasantries. 

“I’m looking for a book and I was wondering if you knew where it was. It’s called Dífrentiaé and it’s a translation from Cythé.” I spoke in the cold, monotone voice I always did in response. 

She paused for a moment. “Yes, I think I’ve heard of it. It should be somewhere over here, just follow me.”

She got up and I did as she had asked, walking behind her. About halfway through the third room she stopped and looked at the book cases on her left. She adjusted her spectacles and folded her thin, bony arms together. 

I folded mine as well, unconsciously mimicking her stance as the two of us visually scanned through all the titles on the shelf. 

“There.” she said after a few minutes with no avail. She took a few steps towards the shelf and gingerly bent down a bit, picking up a red leather book, bound with rope. 

She made to hand it to me but subtly took a step back before I could reach for it. “Why, may I ask, were you looking for this book?” She lacked the distinct, formal tone that was expected when anyone spoke to me but we both knew the far off threats of execution for not doing so were about as realistic for me to do as fantasy.

“A friend recommended it to me.” I did not smile.

Ms. Fleance tilted her head down a bit, looking at me over the top of her spectacles. “I haven’t seen anyone take this book out in a very long time.”

“They’re not from around here.” I narrowed my eyes at her.

“I see.” She handed me the book, “Tell me what you think, Rain.” 

I cringed as she said my name. The word Rain was not one that I had heard come out of her mouth in nearly a decade. I felt memories begin to rush back faster than I could control. Memories of myself as I would climb the tallest ladders and lie on the high bookshelves, small enough to fit out of view. 

She would walk around, far less frail then was now, and look for me as I hid. A memory of myself, up there and giggling surfaced from my mind. “Rain? Raaaaaain?” She called walking through the empty hallway. 

I did laugh back then. It was rare but the memory reminded me that it did happen. Sometimes, when I wasn’t alone and thinking of my parents, with Michael as his strikes landed on my small being, or engrossed in whatever book was my current undertaking, I did enjoy the small things. 

It was like I was up there too, watching my small and starved face as I rocked back and forth laughing while next to a fall with height I couldn’t even comprehend yet. 

But slowly, my face transformed back into the old and wrinkled Ms. Fleance and I remembered where I was. Where she was. We were different and I had changed for the better but I couldn’t say the same for her. “Thanks, I will,” I responded quickly and with that I lightly pushed past her and rushed out of the library leaving her standing there alone in disappointment of me amidst an empty room that was so, so full. 

Once out of the library I began to walk to the Supreme Haar’s section of the building. Few people had ever gone in, save his small personal staff and the other Supreme Commanders.

After saying tongue twisters over and over again till I could speak clearly I now stood in front of the metal door that would lead me to the supreme HAAR. What stood behind it I had no idea. I half expected to walk into some creepy, dimly lit, room with a throne. 

I knocked twice on the door. It was too late to turn back now. I stood still, awkwardly shifting my weight from foot to foot as I waited. If I really wanted I could run, but I had been summoned at this time and something told me that the consequences for not coming would be far worse.

I soon decided that nobody was going to open the door for me. Being very careful I edged it open myself and stepped into the threshold. 

Inside the room, it was pitch black and I couldn't see a thing. I wanted to keep the door open, basking in the little light that it provided, but amidst the uncertainty I didn’t want to draw attention to myself so I let the door close. It banged slightly, making me jump just a bit. “Is anyone here?” I asked loudly, a strength in my voice that I didn’t feel. 

I saw a creak of light as a door opened quite far away and I saw that I was in a long black tunnel. The floors, walls, and ceiling were all made of the same pitch dark material and without wanting to waste time I immediately began to walk towards the light I saw.

When I reached it I side stepped into the room and stood there for a moment, perplexed. 

The walls looked cloudy, darker in some places and lighter in others but red all around. It was a deep, splotchy red and I felt like I knew it from somewhere but I couldn’t quite figure out where. 

There were two black metal chairs in the middle of the room and between them lay a glass table. They had slight padding on them but were not inviting. In the chair on my left sat a very tall lanky man. He wore a long grey robe and had perfectly straight, perfectly white hair which reached his torso. He sat stalk still in the chair, only moving his eyes as I entered. 

“Please, have a seat,” he said, speaking at last in a honey-thick voice that gave me shivers. 

I did as he asked and uncomfortably joined him at the table, the two of us watching eachother. My joints felt stiff and sore but I didn’t say so. 

“I am the Supreme Haar.” He said, answering my unspoken question. 

I paused, deadpan and unmoving.

“It seemed like that’s what you were wondering.”

I nodded shakily. 

“My name is P-” He paused, “Adam. No need to call me anything formal.”

“Ok,” I responded, unable to think of another suitable answer. It was a strangely average name. I would have expected someone as great and important as him to have a lavish name. He was the most important person in the world, and that was not something I took lightly. Still, he was just Adam. He wasn’t referred to by his title or anything lavish. He had reached a level of importance where all that was necessary was his first name. His very ordinary, first name.

“And you’re Rain.” He said it like a fact, intertwining his hands and placing them on his knee. “You’ve been Supreme commander for two months?”

“Yes… Adam.”

He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “What are your thoughts so far?”

“It’s a very admirable job, thank you.”

“Don’t give me that formal bullsh*t.” He took a sip out of a teacup which I hadn’t realized was next to him. “What are your thoughts so far? Best part? Worst part? Any people you like working with or don’t?”

This was not the type of question I had been expecting and I racked my brain for something to say. “It’s strange being this young in my position because people lack in their ability to see me as an authority figure the first time we meet.” I felt uptight but tried to speak like a normal person. “I don’t really know. The Haar’s my life. I have been a part of it since I was eight and I fundamentally support it and want to lead it in leaving the Northern Empire in Ruins.” I thought about Cade and momentarily questioned if I really wanted the Northern Empire to fall but quickly brushed it aside. Yes, I did want that. 

“Why do you want the Northern Empire in ruins?” Adam asked, repeating my words exactly. He stared at me intensely, his eyes seeming to see every part of me but never straying from our contact. 

I held his gaze as shivers rushed down my spine. “They’re corrupt and I believe that the Haar empire is the right one to rule the world.” Something about him seemed to be having a physical effect on me, pulling the truth out of my mouth regardless of consent. 

He raised his eyebrows, finally breaking our eyes apart as I let out an involuntary gasp.

“Do you disagree?” I asked, a note of undeniable prying in my voice. 

“No.” He smiled and I could feel myself wince. There was something inexplicably powerful about his presence in the room. There was an energy radiating off him and I couldn’t explain it but for once I was scared. “So how have things with the other Supreme Commanders been going? Have you created any big plans to destroy the Northern Empire? Maybe hit them where they’re weakest?”

“No…” I had to say more, “War is close. Very close and we all know it. The Northern Empire is keeping all their plans quite close to their chest and as of right now, we have no idea what they can do. I’m ashamed to say that right now, it seems like we’re waiting for them to strike so we can scope out their abilities. I know we’ve tried to send spies in the past but none I know of so far have been successful.”

He smiled once more, “Very good.” He repeated a few times, talking more to himself than to me. “Anything else you can tell me?”

I shook my head and my eyes felt wide. There was something wrong here, there had to be but I couldn’t figure out what.

“Nothing?”

He was just watching me now and I knew that I had to say something, anything. I needed to make a good impression. Something about his mere presence in the room petrified me and I tried desperately to remember the last thing he said but it was drowned out in my mind and all I could do was speak the first thing that came to me. “Respect where respect is due Adam but I’m a bit under informed here, I was under the impression you were going to give me some direction. I apologize if I’ve spoken too boldly but people don’t show you extreme opinions because they want to say something that you’re going to agree with rather than something honest or raw. I would rather I have extreme opinions than not because it shows I have a drive. A drive to do things and make change that the other people you’re talking to clearly don’t have.” I folded my arms and tried my best to exhibit an external ease I in no way felt. 

I needed to get out of there. He was the actual Supreme Haar, the most powerful person alive. I should have known this wouldn’t be easy but the fear instilled in me by this seemingly normal man felt unreal.

“Well spoken.” He smiled a warm smile that felt so fake it shook me. “I’m glad you’ve joined us, we could use someone like you.”

I didn’t quite understand what was going on but I needed to leave. I needed to get out of this room, get away from this man so badly but my body wouldn’t move, it felt as if I had lost control. He was doing something to me, something and I couldn’t tell what but I was fighting against it with all I could so after a final handshake I found myself rushing out, trying not to run down the hall as I repeated in my head how I just needed to get away from him. 

The next day after meeting Dana, she told me how a few hours after I had left our meeting Adam had gotten really angry about something and murdered multiple people on his staff but I ignored her. I didn’t want to even think about him until the time came when we were forced to meet again.

I sat on my bed in the empty house as all the other girls did various things I didn’t bother to think about anywhere but here. I was just basking in the silence, taking advantage of the few times I had the area to myself and trying my best to understand the Elemental Manipulations book for Metal. At the last telepathy class I had been supposed to go to with Dolion he had been nowhere to be seen and upon pressing Madame Pama it had been clear he was off doing something for the graduate sorcerers but what it was I would not be told. 

My face drooped a bit at the news because despite everything that had happened between us, we had been slowly working our way to repair our friendship, something that we both desperately wanted back. 

In that session alone with Madame Pama she had read my level and proclaimed that I had reached seven. I had gotten that talk she often gave me about that meant I would likely grow to be extremely powerful in the coming years especially how ‘with great power comes great responsibility’ and everything of the sort. 

After a few long winded explanations about how the more powerful one got, the more elements they could manipulate, I left with a metal manipulations book under my arm, hopes of easily completing it in my mind. 

Of course, many days later I found myself sitting on my bed as usual, failing to do the simplest ones. A small bronze ball, about the size of a marble, sat on my book. 

I kept moving my hands back and forth, letting them roll in and out of themselves as if they were water, simply making the metal ball flow with them. But it stayed still, powered by inertia to not move from its place as if a stubborn horse. 

I bit the inside of my lip and tried my best not to be annoyed, I did so again. In my subsequent attempt I tried to make my hands look soft and flowing once more but they felt firm and stiff, constricted by my anger. 

I let out a low sigh of aggravation and made to try once more but before I was able to start the door banged open. I felt myself freeze, just for a moment, as the possibility of Fena’s entry entered my mind immediately. 

When I looked I saw Aurora. Her face was blotchy and bright red as she rushed across the room to her bed. 

I sat on my bunk, no longer focused on the unmoving ball in front of me. I looked up and watched the metal slats which held the mattress upon which Aurora currently sat. 

I heard a muted sob followed by an intake of breath and the covers above me rustled above me once. I listened to her shallow breaths and rolled my eyes, fully aware she couldn’t see me. Whatever had happened to her, she probably deserved it. 

She continued to quietly sob, quietly and delicately in a manner such that I could tell she was ashamed to be crying and she was trying her best to make herself stop, but it wasn’t successful.

I turned back to the small metal ball and tried to move it once more, but my mind was on Aurora and I couldn’t put my mental focus into it. I wanted to comfort her, we were still sort of friends and I felt like it was my duty to make her feel better but I wouldn’t. I deserved better from her as a friend, so much better than she had done for me and if she wanted me to hear her crying and suddenly be her friend who makes her feel better again I wouldn’t.

She was the one who had broken what we had and she needed to come to me to fix it. No matter how much I wanted to go talk to her at that moment I wouldn’t. I wanted to be friends again but not what she considered to be friends, not the type of people who could just abandon each other in a time of need because they had found someone new. 

Yes. I had never thought of it that way but it was so unequivocally true. I slammed the book closed and watched as the metal rolled off the bed, bounced a bit, and disappeared under another wardrobe. 

I lay back, on top of the covers but not caring. I clasped my hands over my chest and closed my eyes. I wanted to think about anything, but Aurora's cries, through quiet, seemed to reach a deafening volume in the empty room. 

Finally she stopped for a moment. The covers rustled as I assumed she was getting up. When I, still unmoving, opened one eye, I could see she was coming down the small ladder. I watched her as her last foot reached the ground and she stood, facing me. 

I lay in the same position I had been the whole time and our eyes met. Her hair was messy and her eyes were a pink-ish red which she wiped with the back of her sleeve once more. I watched but didn’t speak. I didn’t want to have the same friendship as we did before and if she wasn’t going to apologise then I wouldn’t pretend to want to always be there for her. 

“Sam broke up with me.” her eyes were deep and welled up with tears once more. “It’s over,” she repeated, her voice breaking.

“Ok.” I had to force myself to not give in, not let her win once more after all she had done. I sat up. “I’m so sorry for you,” I said and then shrugged a bit in a non-committal way. 

I saw Aurora’s face fall a bit and her eyes widened in uncomprehension. “Cade, he left me! Don’t you hear what I’m saying? We had so much together, he was my everything and we were so close for those months and then in the blink of an eye he decided it was just over!” She was almost yelling now yet her voice was cracking on every other word. “He decided we didn’t need each other anymore,” she spoke quietly, “Just like that.”  

I looked at her, void of empathy and we made eye contact once more. I tilted my head to the left a bit and smiled a ’Don’t you see it?’ Smile. She watched me, for a moment, her brows furrowed. 

But then they weren’t. Then she was just looking at me normally and her mouth opened just the smallest amount and she emitted a small “oh.” 

I just nodded. Yeah, that was what she had done to me and yeah, her sadness was hypocritical but not unjustified and she was just a person. Just a person like me, Chena, Henry, Dolion, even Rain. We were all just people who made mistakes and it was ok. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. It was so quiet that I could barely hear it but it was authentic and true so I couldn’t have asked for more. 

“It’s ok,” I whispered back, my voice just as quiet and hoarse. 

I moved my Metal Manipulations book and quickly she was sitting down on my bed and I found the two of us embracing. 

She was my best friend and she made mistakes but so did everyone else. In a materialistic world like ours people didn’t make mistakes so they could repeat their patterns, we made mistakes so we could acknowledge them, so we could grow and become better people. We made mistakes so that we as people never stood still and always moved forward, so that time wouldn’t keep moving and leave us behind. I owed her that one small respect. 

So just like that we sat on the bed for the rest of the day, just two best friends. She, skilled in metal manipulations, finally helped me to move my one small metal ball and everything was so quickly back to normal. 

---

The next day at breakfast Aurora and I ate together once more, sitting across from a giddy Henry and an indifferent Chena at our friendship. 

I rolled my eyes in an exaggerated fashion and began my rant. “I can’t seem to find any books that explain levels in the library. I have officially looked through every page of every book and there’s nothing. There has to be information somewhere on what exactly each level means. 

Chena stilled with a spoon of oatmeal in his mouth. Not moving in he looked up at me and gave a small nod, not seeming to share my level of shock.

“Weird,” Henry interjected, but he didn’t say more. 

“Aurora,” I elbowed her, “Tell me you agree, It’s suspicious!”

Aurora spoke up in a reasonable tone, not waiting to finish chewing: “I mean ok Cade, that makes sense, it’s probably just not in the library, they’re missing stuff all the time have you thought to check anywhere else?”

I narrowed my eyes, trying to figure out what she was suggesting. Could someone else have taken out the book?

I glanced back to Aurora, a conspiratorial grin on her face. No, she was thinking of something different. I racked my brain, thinking of all the other rooms existing in the Main Building, none of which I knew to hold books other than some for spare builds and poisons books. 

Empty handed, I looked at Aurora again, my face betraying my utter confusion. 

“C’mon Cade.” She set down her sandwich. “If you lived here and had to hide something, where would you hide it?”

I thought for a moment, in the woods? In my personal area of our house? “Oh.” That had been what she was thinking. Was she suggesting we sneak into one of the teachers cabins? “No Aurora, that’s a terrible idea! We could get caught.”

She leaned in close and Chena and Henry followed suit. “If this information is so hard to find, don’t you think it means that they don’t want it discovered? What if we’re being coerced to work for the bad guys? Don’t you two want to know? We can’t not find out now.”

“being coerced to work for the bad guys?” Henry repeated, “Do you think that’s even a possibility?”

Aurora tapped her fingers together. “Well, no. But don’t you guys want to find out the truth about sorcerer levels?”

Chena gave a noncommittal nod, “Yeah I suppose.”

I bit the inside of my lips and stared daggers at her. It was true that I wanted to know, but it felt as if I had just been expertly manipulated into breaking school rules. “Fine,” I said tightly, knowing this wouldn’t end well. 

“Perfect.” Aurora smiled, “Let’s do it when Lunch ends, in say ten minutes?”

“What?” Chena looked at her, momentarily shocked. 

“What?” Aurora asked in return, oblivious to what had been so outlandish in her plans of mischief.

“Ten minutes?” Chena asked again.

“Well, Madame Pama is supposed to be the teacher in the Main house and Madame Singa and Katiana are teaching manipulations so as long as Madame Greata doesn’t come into the female teacher cabin while we’re there, it should work.” That felt like a big if, but I was beyond arguing. “Chena and Henry can keep watch while Cade and I go,” Aurora finished.

Chena made a hmph sound and crossed his arms but did not argue. 

Fifteen minutes later the four of us stood in the woods, watching Madame Pama’s house from the cover of Darkness. Madame Pama was administering a midterm so she wouldn’t be an issue, but Chena and Henry would keep watch from the woods in case they saw Madame Greta coming. We had a system of bird calls set up in which, if she was coming, Chena would perform two chirps and once we were safe again he would mimic a crow. Aurora and I had both mastered near invisibility so with enough luck hopefully all would work out. 

I didn’t find any of the precautions necessary, but Henry had insisted so we had just wasted five minutes in the woods setting it up. 

“You guys ready?” Chena asked.

I wanted to roll my eyes but refrained. 

Aurora was bouncing on her feet and punched the air. “Yeah!” It took me one sidelong glance to realize this was not going to go well.

“Ok.” I said, looking at her pointedly which successfully got her to stop bouncing for at least a moment.

I looked around once more, but no one was in sight. Pulling my hood further over my face I smoothly ran to the back of Madame Pama’s house. A moment later I was joined by Aurora. She looked at me, biting her lip in sudden worry but I tried to ignore it. I had faith in our plan. 

Again I peered my head around the corner of the house and saw no one outside. It was one of those days with a biting cold, and a cruel wind. Everyone was either taking a midterm or studying for one so I shouldn’t have been surprised the outdoors were empty.

Edging slowly, my back pressed against the right side of the house, I made my way along it. Behind me, I could hear Aurora’s breathing as it quickened. We weren't doing anything against the rules yet but she was probably just preparing for when we did. I sighed and put a mental palm to my forehead. Of course. 

When we reached the window which had been left open I stopped again, scanning the grounds once more. A couple boys from our year sat in front of their house, but they were in no position to see us unless they were looking so for ease of her mind I didn’t mention it to Aurora.

“We’re clear.” I whispered. Looking once more at the window we would enter through. 

I took two steps back and nodded. Rushing to it with a feline ease I put my hands on the windowsill and kicked my legs to the right of them. I landed feet first in a loose crouch and put one hand on the ground to steady myself. 

I bit the inside of my lip and scanned the room. It was one of two in the house and this one seemed to house Madame Pama.

Aurora jumped in a moment later, mimicking my movements but slipping as she reached the ground inside and falling onto her back.

“You ok?” I asked, offering her an arm which she graciously took.

“Yeah,” she smiled, briefly dusting off her clothes then looking back up at me expectantly. 

In comparison to our room, these two beds were bigger and there were no bunks. One of the beds had entirely navy bedding and blankets save two silver pillows. Next to it there was a wardrobe with a couple medals which seemed quite honorable resting on it. 

Reading them, I saw they all held the names of various battles against the HAAR. Now, I could see that on the wall from which we entered many weapons hung, mounted on hooks. They mostly looked fancy, fragile, and some even antique. Some were strange colors and one broadsword seemed to have blood on it. 

I recoiled from it and quickly tried to regain my composure, reminding myself it was probably something impressive and associated with a secret war or something of the sort. I looked at Aurora and we met eyes. Understanding seemed to pass between us, this was Madame Greta's bed and we would find nothing on levels here.

The other bed had a navy blue blanket with silver stars and silver sheets which looked rumpled and messily made. I had to hold back a laugh upon seeing it. Many kids would avoid making their bed or do a messy rushed job but that wasn’t something I had ever considered an adult to do, much less Madame Pama.

On top of her wardrobe there were three books. Aurora and I seemed to see them simultaneously and we both walked over, using the complete silence of movements manipulation which we had learned earlier in the year. The top book read Sorcery and The Modern Impact. I flipped through it briefly, Aurora reading over my shoulder, and though levels were referenced, it was void of an explanation. 

The next book was one of the books in the Hilton The Great trilogy which we were currently reading for Sorcerer History class. I quickly dismissed it. 

The third book was titled Lonely Love. When we opened it, we discovered a book of love poems and we both began to laugh hysterically in a muffled fashion. We doubled over, both of us reprimanding the other between repressed wheezes. 

Taking a deep breath I stood up straighter and looked at Aurora, tears in both our eyes. “I feel guilty laughing.” 

Aurora wiped her eyes once more. “Yeah, me too.” She paused, “But also…” she tilted her head in the direction of the book, making me smile a bit.

“Alright alright,” I grinned and we put the book back, both wanting to be the last one to touch it. 

We looked at eachother, unsure what to do next. Madame Pama’s space was filled with various small trinkets and momentos. She had postcards and letters, rocks and figurines and a pocket watch, all nicely arranged on her desk and walls. 

Aurora and I met eyes once again, both asking the question of, where could secret information be? Neither of us had thought to ask an adult about levels, but due to the secrecy of the telepathy class and everything sorcery related, it was unlikely we would receive any specific answers. 

Aurora put her hand between the bedframe and mattress, and shook her head. Nothing. As we made our way to the other side of the bed we heard a faint sound of two bird chirps. I immediately knew it was Chena and Aurora looked at me frozen in fear.

Acting on instinct I grabbed her, quickly guiding her down (well maybe pulling) and letting her scooch under the bed. 

I leaned against the wall, unable to under fit next to her, and focused on making myself invisible. My breath was quick but I tried to ignore it and everything around me and only think about blending into the wall, becoming a part of it, and quickly. In a shadowy corner I let images creep up my arms followed by my torso legs and everywhere else. So long as I didn’t move, no one would see me. 

Just as I knew that I had successfully completed the manipulation the door opened. How I knew I was fully invisible I couldn’t be sure, it was intuition, I somehow just knew. 

Madame Greta had walked in, her normal beanie pulled around her head, weapons in her hand. 

Reaching her bed she let out a long sight and lay on it, spreading her arms. She closed her eyes for a moment. I focused on remaining still and keeping my breath silent, praying she would leave soon. 

When they snapped back open she lazily lifted her right hand, and moving her fingers slightly, one of the swords on the wall was gracefully lifted off and landed lightly in her hand. My jaw dropped at the casual and seemingly effortless display of magic. I tried desperately to remember her level. It was a seven, maybe a high seven? A low seven seemed unlikely but a medium was possible.

At the thought I was once again reminded of my limited knowledge of levels and my mind circled back to why Aurora and I were here in the first place. Right. 

I stared daggers at Madame Greta, willing her to leave though I knew she could not see me. 

The sword now in her hand she twisted it a couple times and sat on the edge of her bed, striking the air with an unfathomable ease and calamity.

Come on, come on. I was speaking to no one but my own consciousness, however I had nothing better to do so I continued to repeat it in my own head.

With a speed that felt painstakingly slow she stood up once more, and walked to the door. She fumbled against the doorknob for a moment and I had to suppress a grunt of annoyance. Finally though, she was gone. Still Aurora and I waited, sitting still till I heard Chena’s crow call after which I practically jumped up. 

I quickly put my hand in between the bed frame and mattress as Aurora had done before. Sliding along I came up empty handed and cursed. 

I looked from side to side, trying to find Aurora though I quickly realized she was still under the bed. 

“Are you ok?”

“I-” she grunted from the effort of whatever she was doing, “There’s something under here.”

“What?” I got on my hands and knees trying to catch a glimpse of what it was she was grappling at. “What could it be?”

“I think we’re in luck-” she pushed again, “It looks like a book.” 

I stood, any hidden book I would be happy to see, information on levels or not. “Let me lift the mattress,” I said.

“Good idea,” she responded, using her legs to push herself out from under the bed. 

“Ready?” I asked as she began to stand up, using the bedframe to help her out.

“Yeah.”

I lifted the mattress, gasping a bit at the surprising weight. Briefly looking under it I saw the object was definitely a book and grinned. This was too easy.

Aurora put a hand on the side of the bed frame, quickly reaching in, grabbing the book, and pulling out with austonding speed. 

I dropped the mattress, letting it fall with a loud thump. I looked at her, frozen, but Chena would warn us if anyone was coming to investigate the sound so I quickly calmed down. 

I looked at the book she held out. It was brown, thin and tattered, with a short belt around it, keeping it closed. 

I watched Aurora and we both smiled. Gingerly, she undid the buckle and pulled the belt apart. “Here goes.” She whispered and turned to the first page. It was a title page which read, A Guide To Sorcery In The Modern Era. It seemed promising and we looked at eachother, too excited to even fully express what we felt. 

She turned the page and we reached the table of contents. What is sorcery the first one read, starting on page four. Sorcerer levels was the next one, starting on page six. This was it.

I slammed it shut and met her eyes. “This is it. This is the book. This is everything we’ve been looking for!” I tried to keep my voice to a whisper but my obvious excitement kept increasing my volume. It seemed like everything fit together just a little bit too perfectly but in the moment I didn’t question it.

She let out a breath, smiling and eyes wide. “We did! We really did it!” 

From somewhere, we both heard a rushed two bird chips which faltered abruptly. 

“We have to go.” Aurora breathed.

I needed no further suggestion, we both ran to the window, me quickly gesturing for her to go first. She jumped out, not even trying to land on her feet, just focusing on moving fast. I did the same, seeming to dive out the window, book still in my hands. I landed in a dive roll and quickly stood, making it up in time with Aurora.

We rushed to the edge of the house and stopped, peaking only our heads out to check the coast was clear. 

Chena and Henry were still leaning against the same tree, but now Madame Pama stood there, leaning over them as they seemed to shrink in fear.

“He’s in trouble,” Aurora whispered, stating the obvious. “Hide the book.”

Naturally, I had just completed that. The book rested under my shirt and the waistband of my pants, touching the bare skin on my back, giving me a wave of cold goosebumps all up my spine.

Aurora briskly walked to where Madame Pama and Chena stood, subtly shifting herself between them.

“Where have you two been while these stood here making strange bird noises?” Madame Pama asked, arms crossed.

“Were you making bird noises again?” Aurora asked them again, jokingly, “You’re not very good, you really should give up hope.”

“Let me reiterate.” Madame Pama spoke every syllable clearly and loudly. “Where were you two?” 

“We-” Aurora began to speak but I quickly cut her off.

“Studying. By the fountain. Right over there.” I pointed towards the fountain and felt my face getting hot. I loved it here, the Academy was everything to me, I suddenly felt so stupid for stealing the stupid book , it wasn’t worth it. I didn’t want to be kicked out just for the pursuit of knowledge, everything they were doing here was too important for me to be willing to leave. 

“You should hope so.” Madame Pama responded and grabbed the corner of her cloak beginning to walk off briskly. As if an afterthought she turned around, “I’ll be watching you.” She said, addressing all of us but looking directly at me. I saw her look directly down, right at my side where the book was, but only for a fraction of a moment before she had turned around and walked off, cloak billowing behind her. 

I stood still for a moment, afraid to move until she couldn’t possibly still be in sight. I puffed out my cheeks and released a long sigh. 

Henry laughed a bit in the manner that one would after surviving in a life or death situation. 

“That was way too close,” Aurora said, laughing as well. 

“She’s gonna know it was us.” I said quietly. 

“What?” Chena spoke immediately. The three of them turned to me.

“Within ten minutes of entering her house she’ll realize that the book is missing and if there was any doubt before, there won’t be, she will know we took it.”

They were silent for a moment. “I didn’t think of that.” Aurora said slowly.

“Me neither,” replied Chena. 

“Yeah. But we need to read this book, just not here.” I said, it was true, I wasn’t willing to go put it back after all our hard work. 

Aurora stood up straighter, “if there’s nothing more I can do, let her come. She has no proof it was us. Let’s just put it back tomorrow and maybe she’ll forget about the whole thing.

I gave a weak smile and the other two nodded in agreement. “Nothing to do but read it then.” I responded. 

At that, we began to walk into the deep, vast forest.

I stood, hands in my pockets and rolled my eyes. I was supposed to review the battalion of 1000 soldiers over the course of the next two days.

I was now faced with the group of these officers in their early twenties who were staying here. They were older than me, but not so old that they didn’t care about the miniscule gap. They were just the cocky young type who thought I had no business reviewing them, but also would be too afraid to say that to my face. On the other hand, it was entirely possible that none of them had any idea whatsoever as to who I was. The papers making my position official had yet to be published. The Heads all knew who I was, but it was unlikely the individual officers did.

Naturally, I tried to compensate for this by pretending to not care but subtly bringing up how much more important than them I was at every chance I got. 

For the past two hours, I had stood, hands in pockets, letting the wind whip past me, simply leaving a look of distaste plastered on my face. Through all this watching and ‘reviewing’ them, I had tried to maintain a facade of disinterest, and I could only hope it had been successful. 

They were working on rotating stations, by squad. It was set up in a large field where they would rotate every hour and a half, reaching five of the ten stations each day. 

I had been specifically watching each group, lingering as long as possible so I could minimize walking, but also avoiding staying long enough that any of the commanders would try and talk to me. 

Right now, I watched two squads which each had about fifty people as they performed interval sprints. I stood on the side, sour-faced, occasionally staring daggers at some of the slower folks or the two generals who I fully blamed for the worse officers. 

One of them blew his whistle again and with the loud, awkward, high pitched noise they were off, sprinting the hundred meters once again. 

Somewhere inside my head, it occurred to me that I should have brought a paper and pen with me, or something of the sort. I would never be able to distinguish the twenty squads, especially as they were rotating, but I decided I didn’t really care and went back to staring in the distance as the men and women rested for twenty seconds, only to have the whistle go off again. 

“How unfortunate.” I muttered to myself. “Running for hours and going nowhere.” At that, I walked to the next station.

Once I reached it I again put my hands in my pockets and stood with a frown on my face, trying to ignore the biting cold wind, whipping my hair in every direction. 

The station I had reached was sword fighting. I watched for a while as various pairs fought against each other and every now and then two people would jog to switch places. 

I quickly gauged that at three losses, or what would be in a battle a mortal stroke, the officers had to go find another partner. In general, most of them used the same five strokes and fought in a predictable manner, clearly they were never under specific scrutiny over their moves. 

I thought back to Otis, Vave, Tatoute, and everyone at the supreme commander tournament. Everyone I had surrounded myself with these past few months had been so superior to mere officers that I had forgotten what most members of the Haar Army were even like. 

But then my mind flashed back to Otis, the only image of Otis I could still remember, and I flinched. It was the usual. His neck was a huge red mass of blood and skin and I had cut him with the sword, all  the way through till the bone was there, jutting out. His face was bloody, his teeth and eyes were red, and he had this jarring anger in his eyes which became empty when his heart stopped but still angry. 

But the me in my thoughts wasn’t scared anymore. I wasn’t guilty or angry about all of the things that had happened. The forest was empty in my mind. A layer of fog surrounded it and the air was thick and still; the trees were so thick I couldn’t see far in either direction and their vibrant, dark green pierced my eyes as I looked up and couldn’t see the sky, just leaves. 

I walked over to Otis slowly, the body that had been Otis. I let myself brush the backs of my fingers against his forehead, still warm and streaking with blood as my fingers dragged it across. 

“I had to,” I whispered. “I had to kill you, they made me kill you.”

“No they didn’t,” he was responding but his mouth didn’t move.

“They made me kill you, they made me kill you, it wasn’t my choice.”

He said no more but his empty eyes were all I needed to hear him argue with me. But he was wrong. I had never wanted to kill him. He was only dead because I had to, the Haar made, I didn’t have another choice.

With a particularly strong gust of wind I looked up and remembered where I was, who I was.

I walked slowly to the next station, horseback riding, and tried to think of something to distract myself. I saw the strong muscled officers bouncing on their horses. Most of them seemed to be somewhat in control, but there were the occasional officer who bounced back and forth, seeming unable to control something small as a battle horse. 

But my mind went back to Otis and the forest, so, so quickly. I wanted to get out of it, I wanted to run but I couldn’t. And then Cade was there.

I thought about Cade. Yes, Cade was a wonderful distraction. The world around me seemed to peel away as I began to grow lost in her. Her bright eyes seemed to shift from yellow to green to blue all at once. They made her seem unreal. Like an angel or a dream which would slowly slip away as I awakened to the grasp of reality. 

Simultaneously shy and bold, fragile but stronger than myself. She was a completely different person on the inside and outside and I wanted to know her better, understand her more. I wanted to see more of how she always bit the inside of her cheek when she was really focused on something. I wanted to see more of that face she always got when I told her bad things or she did the same with me. Her mouth would open but her teeth would stay shut. Her nose and eyebrows would crinkle and she would look in every direction, trying not to meet my gaze. 

I swooned, she was just so unbelievable. I had never met anyone like her and I knew somehow that I never would again, she was so pure, so her. The way I could open up and share my feelings with her was something that no matter how hard I wanted to, I would never be able to do with anyone else. 

I wanted to rest my head in her lap again, to feel her strength. With all I did, shouldn’t I be allowed to let someone else be strong for me? Cade was everything I wasn’t and I loved her. My love was like nothing I had ever experienced. I really, truly loved her. It was like I was falling and flying and yet nothing was actually real if she wasn’t there. 

At this point, hundred or so people horseback riding in front of me were so far out of my mind it became immeasurable.

I loved Cade and she was on another side in this war. At that moment I realized profoundly, in what was the closest to an epiphany I had ever experienced, she couldn’t know. She could never know and that shocked me. Everything I was, everything I believed in, and everything I worked for I would never be able to tell her about.

At that moment, I wanted to do so much, to lash out, scream or cry but I couldn’t. This was more honest than I had been with myself in a long time, I needed to accept it.

Placid, I walked to the next station. Focus on the drills, focus on the drills. I repeated it in my head, a matra as I walked over to the next station which was thankfully archery. 

I cracked my knuckles, watching the officers practice. I told myself it would be interesting but that wasn’t the case. I wanted it to be interesting, I needed it to distract me. I was better than everyone at all of the stations I had visited so far, but archery was my expertise. My skills wouldn’t even be comparable with theirs.

I watched everyone as they raised their compound bows in unison, drew to the mechanical stop, and released on que. They all had strong shots, but their accuracy was not very good. For officers who were shooting at a mere 50 meters and had been practicing for a decade, less than a quarter hit the inner ring and very few actually reached the target. 

“Aim!” One of the commanders called, giving everyone half a minute to set up their shots. “Fire!” This was unacceptable. This endeavor should only take experienced soldiers five seconds, though I could do it in less than one.

After moments of pause the endeavor took place once more, arrows curving up and coming back down to usually hit somewhere on the targets. 

When they hit once more it sounded like a rainstorm but the pattering sound of it lasted mere seconds. 

As I paced back and forth behind the fifty or so men, just out of their lines of sight, my eyes rested on one. His shots kept reaching over the target. Everytime they hit he would look to both sides, as if hoping no one had noticed. 

I watched for another round, trying to identify his mistake which was almost immediately obvious to someone practiced as myself. 

I walked over to him though he was too busy preparing to shoot once more and after another shot I began to speak. “When you release you keep doing so with your index finger just barely first.”

I saw him jump a bit at my sudden presence but he then turned to me and I continued to speak.

“It’s causing your arrow to tilt imperceptibly upwards and is the cause for your constant missed shots.”

“Yes sir,” he responded, an unmistakable confusion in his eyes. Maybe only the generals knew who I was, I pondered, clueless officers would surely make my evening more interesting. 

“Try again,” I said to him, my tone low, cold and gruff. I noticed the other officers had stopped shooting and didn’t directly stare but they were all watching us out of the corners of their eyes. 

He looked at me, brows knit together a bit and in a louder, irked tone I spoke once more. “Try again.” 

He seemed to understand my meaning now and quickly fumbled for and arrow off his back and his bow once more. He finally picked it up and drew it once more, only firing after yet another unnavigable nod from me. At the last moment he made the same mistake once more and I had to hold back a dramatic sigh in front of all these inferiors.

Everyone's heads arced just barely as we all watched the arrow fly into the air and once more graze over the top of the target.

I looked back to the officer, now shaky and just watched him. 

He said nothing and just stood there, his posture that of a person who wanted to make themselves look small. Smaller and smaller until he disappeared and avoided this unmistakable humiliation.

This was unavoidable. “Try again.” I had retired from speaking the one phrase to him, he didn’t need to hear more.

Once more he raised the bow, knocked the arrow, and released, making the same mistake as before but this time he hit the very top of the target by mere chance. Once more heads craned as we all watched his arrow fly once more. My instructions had been clear, I knew that, yet he kept making the same mistake. 

“Try again.” My voice was low and gravely as usual and I watched him pointedly, waiting for him to begin again but he hesitated. 

“Hey,” a large man a few officers down spoke up. His eyes were a bright green and his hair was a curly black. “He hit it, isn’t that enough.” 

I looked up and met his eyes, unspeaking. He was playing a very dangerous game and he didn’t even know who it was against. 

My gaze shifted back to the original officer once more and I watched waiting for him to try once more but for a brief moment he didn’t.

“Let him stop.” It was the large green-eyed officer once more. “He did well and you probably couldn’t do much better so don’t reprimand him.” 

The general for this battalion was far-off but I could just barely see his face. It was wide and constricted with a shock and fear for his officer. I didn’t blame him, I could be very scary.

At that, I looked up at the officer with the green eyes and curly hair once more. “Say that again.” My voice wasn’t loud but it was full of unmistakable, confident, malice. 

I watched him take a small step backwards at my words but he didn’t relent. He took a deep breath and began to speak. “You folks in these high base positions always think you’re better than us but you’re not. We practice every day while you guys go to your meetings, don’t tell us how to do a job you can’t do yourself and go scurry back to the indoors where you belong.”

I wasn’t sure who he thought I was but I hadn’t been so angry I would have had to stifle a laugh. Instead, in one fluid motion I flipped the man I had originally been helping, grabbing his bow as he fell. With astonishing speed I knocked an arrow and had shot, hitting the green-eyed officer with a powerful shot in his upper arm.

All of this happened in the span of a few mere seconds and after it everyone just stared in silence. Soon, the man began to scream. 

I threw the point of the bow on the ground. I used as much force as I could in the moment and as I had hoped, the tip sunk into the dirt and the bow seemed to stand on it. 

“I am Supreme Commander.” I spoke over his screams, “Do not cross me.”

I smiled. It was a deep, sadistic smile which showed the whites of my teeth and came naturally. I paused for a moment and then slowly began to walk to the next station, the medical one. Within a few hours I would forget the whole affair. 

When I reached the medical station I saw one of the Heads from this battalion standing in the middle of the field, currently explaining cut wounds. “Depending on the severity of the wound,” she began, “There are multiple things to do-” She looked over, saw me standing on the edge of the field, and froze mid-sentence.

I raised my eyebrows and made a hurry up gesture.

She shook her head, likely a method of distraction, and continued to speak. “You always want to get a soldier to the medical tent, but if it’s far away you are under no circumstances allowed to leave the battle to your friend or whoever it is that’s hurt.” She looked at me once more. 

I tried to give her a condescending that’s the best you can do? Face, and she quickly went back to speaking, clearly trying to ignore my judgmental, overbearing presence. 

Though I wouldn’t admit it, someone recognizing my authority felt good. It made me feel validated, like I actually had the power I so desperately had craved. 

When I had been Head, Jack was always the one to do these medical talks, we only had to review them when we were at the HAAR base, but it was still quite boring and I didn’t enjoy it much. Thinking back, I always pretty much did the same thing as now, watch and judge. I laughed briefly at the thought. How had that only been a few short months ago?

I thought back to the person I was before my promotion, before the tournament, before it all. I had changed a lot, an unbelievable amount. I sighed and looked at the sky. It was crazy how a position could do that to a person.

Was it the position that had changed me? No, I realized with a moment of sudden shock that it wasn’t. Sure the position had changed but what had really changed was Cade. Everything came back to Cade. I thought back to the pathetic, naive person I had been so recently. It didn’t seem possible that what made me a better HAAR officer, wasn’t my position or the strength I had gained on my journey, no it was a girl. A kind, strong, beautiful girl. One who was ten times the person I would ever be. 

I stood up, wanting to think about something else, something easier, I couldn’t bear to think about her. I couldn’t bear to think about how suddenly, I had so much to lose. I numbly walked to the hand-to-hand combat, begging my mind to let itself be distracted. 

Everyone had again split into pairs and they fought without weapons. Through the officers, their seemed to be two types. There were some who bounced on the balls of their feet, could duck easily, and threw fast punches. There were others who relied on weight and strength, throwing stronger slower punches, and taking their opponent out with fewer. As I watched something seemed off but I couldn’t quite place it.

While I stood, silently judging, the other Head came up next to me and mimicked my position, crossing his arms and not speaking. I rolled my eyes and made a silent effort not to look in his direction. He was not the Head who had been teaching the medical information, but another who had been doing what seemed like the same thing as me all morning, save how he helped out with stations every now and then. 

As I watched the combat practice, I soon realized what had been wrong, all the female officers were paired together, and the male officers were as well. That was interesting, and a sign that this battalion had never seen real war. Of course, most HAAR officers had never seen real war, there were always tensions against the northern empire, but after the large war nearly a hundred years ago, few border fights ever broke out.

I took a sidelong glance at the Head who stood beside me. He had his arms clasped behind his back and he stood with his legs further apart than his shoulders. I was aware he was trying to suppress a smile of pride but I wouldn’t tell him that. He had come here vying for my approval and this battalion certainly was not worthy of that. 

“Tell me,” I said looking directly at the fighting officers but speaking to the Head, “What’s wrong with that picture?”

I could tell he had turned to look at me but I wouldn’t reciprocate. “I don’t know,” He said in a light, friendly tone, “What’s wrong with it?”

I looked at him again, narrowing my eyes. “Have you ever been in a real battle?” I had not, but I didn’t feel the need to share that information with him.

“No,” he said, maintaining the same friendly tone. 

“Ok well I need you to imagine a battle. You’ve lost your weapon or you’re out of arrows or whatever and the other person is too.”

He nodded, seeming to be seriously imagining this scenario. 

“Now look at the drills your officers are doing.” 

He did.

“What’s wrong with them?” I asked again.

For not the first time in this conversation he looked at me once more, utterly confused. “I don’t see what’s wrong.” 

“Why. Are. Genders. Paired. Up.” I said, slowly and with a bit to my tone. “In a battle. Do you expect the men to only fight other men and the women to only fight other women?

After a moment, his face lit up with understanding and he shook his head. What an idiot. “That makes sense,” he said, trying to maintain a reasonable tone.

He still stood next to me, unmoving. “Well,” I responded, my anger welling over as I went back to not even looking at him. “Tell them to fix it.” 

“Oh, right.” He fumbled, “Everybody gather round!” Of course he couldn’t follow a simple order I thought to myself as I idly waited to see what he had planned. He punched my shoulder lightly, “Let’s give em a show!” It took me a moment for him to realize that he wanted me to demonstrate with him. As in fight each other.

I slowly turned my head to him, he had made a large mistake in suggesting we fight and his demeanor was just unacceptable. We were not equals and he should have known that. I just looked at him, expressionless. 

“C’mon,” he said “These officers need to see some good technique. You’re Supreme Commander right? We’re doing easy fights, pull your punches, hit the ground three times when you concede.”

I finally understood why he had suggested this, he wanted to know if I was all talk or not. He needed to know if I was someone to be taken seriously. How unfortunate for him. I grimaced and after a moment responded “Alright.” I paused, “We don’t need to pull our punches though, we’re both adults and I trust you’re at least not pathetic enough to need that.” 

He smiled and put both his hands up. All the officers had gathered round now and I just rolled my eyes at the extravagance of this Head, waiting for him to strike first. The officers seemed to see something inferior about me because of my age so I found myself abnormally excited for the chance to prove them wrong.

I kept my hands limp at my sides, not even trying. This would be an easy fight but so were all of them.

He threw a quick, well grounded punch to my torso, but naturally it was nothing compared to my speed which had been called “scientifically impossible” by Michael when I was younger. Pretending to be disinterested by the fight I casually glided a step to the right, causing him to lose his balance and lunge past me, catching himself with his left foot at just the last moment. 

He lifted his arms again, quickly switching his stance and I just slowly turned to face him. I could tell he was going to strike again. Would he fall for the same trick? Maybe once more.

As he again lunged for a chest strike I again glided to the left, making him pass me. This time, as he passed me I took the opportunity to grab the middle of him with my left hand and push his head down with my right. This flipped him onto his back in a most ungraceful way and he just looked up at me from where he lay with weary eyes.

“Done?” I asked. 

“Nah.” He rolled into a crouched position, just barely not sitting on his ankles and made to lunge for my midsection. 

Unwilling to let him reach it, I quickly punched his face as he came. It was just a jab but it was fast and powerful, hitting him directly in the nose. He immediately stopped and crumpled, holding his face with both hands. I wanted to scoff or laugh but I didn’t. With astonishing accuracy I kicked him in the face once more. 

Stepping back, lifting my leg up, and snapping it out while at just the perfect tilt. I performed a flawless roundhouse kick in less than a heartbeat and watched him crumple for a final time. 

I stood there, watching for a while till he slapped the ground with his palm three times, blood running down his face. Quickly, some officers helped him up asking questions along the lines of “you ok?”

He brushed them all off and lifted a hand which I shook. “Good fight,” he said, trying to repress the shaking in his voice.

I responded with a nod so after an awkward moment he elaborated.

“You’re really fast. I don’t think I’ve even seen anyone move as fast as you, it shouldn’t be possible.” He paused, trying to think or remember something. “You’re like those guys in the silver cloaks.” Silver cloaks? My mind quickly went to Cade and the silver cloak she always wore. The one all the kids in her school did. I listened to him intently, excited to finally learn something worthwhile. “Yeah like those sorcerers or something.” 

My demeanor completely changed as I tried to act friendly, approachable. “Sorcerers?” Suddenly I desperately needed to hear everything he had to say, “Tell me more.” 

“Well,” he paused, looking at his hands. “It’s all just rumors of course but I swear to you, I once saw one turn invisible.” He looked back up at me, “That probably sounds crazy.”

“No, that doesn’t sound crazy.” I had to stop myself from rushing my words or slurring them together as my brain worked faster than ever before. “Do you know anything more?” I told myself that he had to be joking or playing some kind of trick but the emotion on his face seemed so… honest.

“No, just that they diligently work for the northern empire and are extremely anti-HAAR. I ran into one once, Barely survived.”

“Thanks,” I managed to murmur, quickly walking off, trying to process this rationally. Cade was a sorcerer? She couldn’t be. Those didn’t exist and if they did she wouldn’t be one of them. I wanted to say it wasn’t possible but it made sense, so much sense, more sense than anything had ever made through my near two decades of life. Her cloak, our strange talks, everything started coming together now and I knew it had to be true.

Something in me shattered. Not in the way where I wanted to be angry, to scream or to cry, but in that moment I didn’t want anything. I couldn’t feel. Everywhere in me was emotionally numb and it took all the effort I had to keep placing one foot in front of the other. Just keep moving, just keep moving, I repeated it in my head, there was nothing else I wanted to do, nothing else I could do. 

My mind was blank, unable to form coherent thoughts.

I could tell I was shaking a bit but it wasn’t clear why. I felt like a shell of a person, void of emotions and thoughts; I just tried to walk back to my room. I had to get to my room. There I could rationalize things, try and figure them out, but room or not I knew nothing I tried to do would work. I felt empty, like everything I had worked for had all fallen away in a moment and there was nothing I could do but watch in horror as everything came crashing down around me.

When I reached my room, I sat down on the floor and hugged my knees to my chest, wanting to hold tighter and tighter but unable to. I was ignoring the bed in front of me and rocking side to side where I sat. I needed something, anything. I wanted to be mad but I wasn’t, I wanted to feel bad for myself but I couldn’t. 

It was as if nothing existed anymore and all that once had was falling away in front of my eyes. I was floating out of this planet and wherever it took me I would go. A captive to space and time I couldn’t argue I could only follow. There had been one real thing in my life and now that it wasn’t real what was the point? What was the point of anything? 

I couldn’t shed tears because I had none to give right then. It didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense, I kept repeating it in my mind, though it was a lie. I lived in a vacuum on my own, rocking side to side in the cold air feeling like a robot. But also wishing I was one. 

I sat in the woods, a good distance away from the Academy as usual, flipping through the book I had stolen with Aurora, Chena, and Henry, despite having read it multiple times already. I was waiting for Rain to use visual telepathy so we could talk. I wanted to tell him about my endeavor the previous day but he had been busy last night. 

I felt good around the three of them, finally. Fena hadn’t bothered me at all today, save a few dirty glances in my direction. This feeling of being strangely close to my friends again felt foreign after a month without it but that didn’t mean it wasn’t amazing. I was comfortable laughing around them and talking to them once more. 

Aurora kept putting her arm around me, wherever we sat. It was her own way of trying to pull me closer to her, almost as if to convince herself that if physical touch represented the strength of our friendship, everything was perfect between us once more. 

I didn’t mind though. If she wanted to pretend that everything was perfect then I wouldn’t stop her. I wanted peace. I desperately craved it between us and now that we had it I just needed to make sure it stayed that way. 

When Rain finally did reach out to me telepathically, I saw him, sitting on his bed with his arms around his legs staring into the distance which I knew to be a barren wall.

I watched him silently for a moment, something was clouded behind his eyes and he looked unnerved. There was a fear hidden in there. Everything about him, his face, his position, his posture reminded me of a toddler after a nightmare.

“Rain?” I asked, my tone quiet and soothing. 

He looked up, his face weary and tired upon the small movement. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked, making no motion to move from where I sat. 

He unclasped his hands and moved to sitting cross-legged, he was facing me, but I could tell his mind was somewhere else. He shook his head, speaking to me quietly, his tone a whisper so I had to strain to hear it. “Tell me something about your life.”

“Ok,” I shifted uncomfortably, trying to gauge what had happened to Rain. I wanted to sit next to him, to kiss him and give him a hug but I could tell that wouldn’t help, he wanted space and distraction. “Yesterday, Aurora and Chena and I wanted to find out more about the Academy and so we broke into Madame Pama’s house and stole a contraband book.” I looked back up at him and he looked so lost. I yearned to do something, to make him feel better but there was nothing I could do so I just kept talking. “When we got there, Chena was on look out and he made the signal which meant someone was coming so Aurora and I hid under Madame Pama’s bed as Madame Greta came in and we still didn’t get caught.” I racked my brain for what else I could share with him but came up empty-handed.

The corner of his mouth turned up for a moment but was gone almost immediately. “Don’t lie.” 

Lie? I wasn’t lying to him. Maybe I had omitted some information but why would he think that I was lying to him? How could he know? I didn’t say anything. I just sat there, watching him, wondering what it was that had happened and why, suddenly, he was acting like this. 

“Was it a book on Sorcery?” He whispered.

Oh. I wasn’t sure how to answer but before I could control myself the words seemed to slip out of my mouth. “Yeah.” I said this nodding, not really registering what I had said or what he had till it came out. How could he have known? I tried my best not to change my body language as I puzzled over this in my mind but it didn’t make sense. How could he? I hadn’t wanted to keep it from him, I didn’t like keeping secrets from him, but I thought I had done a good job in it. I just didn’t understand, I couldn’t even begin to comprehend how he knew about sorcerers. Was he one too?

I looked at his face. The contortion of pain now made sense. He was a sorcerer, I had known that the whole time, but he had not. He had just realized. I sat still, knowing everything he was feeling was caused by me. It was all my fault for keeping those stupid secrets. Why didn’t I tell him at the beginning? I asked myself the question over and over again. Why couldn’t I have been upfront from the start? If our relationship broke now I would know that it was my fault. If everything we had fell apart, there would be no one to blame but me. 

“I’m sorry.” It was barely audible but I had spoken it nonetheless. 

He clasped his hands loosely and looked at his palms. His deep, dark blue eyes were wide, but the ocean in them that was usually so calm had become a storm. They looked searching for answers and haunted, going through different phases of shock. “So you’re a sorcerer?”

I tilted my head, giving a small inclination, but he didn’t look up. I so terribly wanted to know what he was thinking but I couldn’t. I was stuck sitting there helpless as he tried to sort through and make sense of all the new and very old information. 

“And you’re working against the HAAR?” He asked, still not looking up.

His meek demeanor reminded me slightly of a small child but I could speak more forcefully now, “Yes.” This much, I was proud to share.

He gulped, “Does this mean-” he paused and looked up at me, about to finish his question. “I’m a sorcerer.” It wasn’t a question. It was a fact, a statement, something we both knew to be true. He didn’t need me to answer. 

We sat in silence for a while, neither of us moving. I saw a small, singular tear roll down his face but he made no move to stop it and neither did I. I wanted to say something but didn’t. It was his turn now. If he was mad or sad or alright with the whole thing, he would let me know. Everything about his world had just been turned upside down and he needed time to process it. All I could do was wait.

I watched the world around me, the trees, anything but him. Tiny drops of water clung to the leaves and the bark, still there for an early morning storm. Every dot of water created a shiny transparent dome shape held together by only the surface tension.

When a strong gust of wind came, many of them were blown off the leaves, slowly falling down around me from the green overcast canopy above and making it feel almost as if it were raining. I could vaguely feel the water as it landed on my face but I didn’t care.

In a way, they were a welcome distraction from trying to figure out the inner workings of Rain’s mind. A few days ago I would have sworn I knew him perfectly but now I found myself utterly bewildered as everything we didn’t quite understand about eachother came to light.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity he started moving towards me. Standing would have been hard so he tried to get closer on his knees, taking each movement slowly.

When he reached me he sat up next to me and clasped his hands on my shoulder, setting his head on them. 

I let out a sigh. A deep, long breath of air filled with all those scared, pent up emotions that I had been holding this whole time unknowingly. 

“It’s ok,” He responded. “We all have things we don’t want to share.” As he spoke the second part he got quieter, almost speaking more to himself then he did to me. 

I was puzzled, but I wouldn’t pry, not right now. Tilting my head to the right a bit I let my it lean slightly on his which in turn rested on my shoulder. I smiled and then looked at him with only my eyes, trying not to shake him or move him from the peaceful position. He wasn’t asleep, but he rested on my shoulder, eyes in soft focus, in such a harmonious way that I couldn’t bring myself to budge. 

“Cade?” He asked in a soft, tender voice after a long moment of silence. 

“Yes Rain?” I responded, kindly, ready and wanting to do anything I could to prove my love and trust of him. 

“What was the book about?”

I paused, not sure how to put it. “It explained sorcery and how it works. There was a lot about levels and everything the academy won’t tell us.”

He spoke louder now, getting closer to what one would call a normal speaking voice. “Can you read me some of it?” He asked slowly. 

I thought about this request for a moment. He had dealt with a lot today and I didn’t want to throw more information on him. But I also wanted to be honest. I needed to be honest. For him and for myself. “Yes of course.” I opened the book, “Tell me if you want me to stop.” I flipped to the first page and began to read.

“What is Sorcery?” I read the heading with conviction, looking to Rain who now had his eyes closed and his hands clenched in his lap.

I put one of my hands on his clenched fists to soothe him and continued, “Sorcery has forever been in existence. There are, have always been, and will always be sorcerers. With our limited knowledge, many know of the existence of sorcery, but it would seem none know the scope of what we truly can do with this force. The purpose here is as follows: to explain sorcery, the uses, and the concealment. To explain what sorcery is, more than just the small, futile aspects, but to make this existential seeming force that is sorcery sorcery truly understandable for the first time. All this, in an epic that will no doubt mysteriously disappear immediately.” I looked back to Rain, who sat frozen, his eyes clutched more tightly than before.

“Just keep going,” He said as if able to read my mind. “I need to hear this, Cade. I have to understand it. I have to understand who I am.”

I nodded. I wanted to tell him that he didn’t need to understand it and that he was more than just the ability of sorcery but I had lost the right to say that. “Despite many false beliefs, Sorcery is not an existential force. Sorcery does not have a mind of it’s own and rather, comes from within oneself. In actuality, sorcery is not an entity in itself, but the overarching word for the ability that some people encompass. Therefore, when we ask ourselves, ‘what is sorcery?’ The question we are really asking is ‘What is this ability and what can we do with it?” Since I was reading out loud, I had to force myself to go more slowly, really trying to fully understand it. Sorcery wasn’t a thing. In some strange way, sorcery was… us. 

  “What this ability is, is the ability to change things. On the extremes, one would be able to rewrite all of space and time easily as if it were a book. Of course, Sorcery is linear, so if this is one side of the line, the other side would contain the abilities of the average human. By technicality, a sorcerer may fall anywhere on the line that is not the direct average human. Due to the insignificance of their powers and unlikeliness of them ever discovering, people often refer to sorcerers as anywhere from only level three to only level five and higher, but the levels will be explored in more depth later. The extremes referred to above however, do not exist. Levels that high, or even two units below that high, have never been achieved by a living being.” I looked at Rain who was nearly shaking. He seemed to be… really affected by this. I had been scared and confused when I found out that I was a sorcerer, but not in the same way. If he really cared so much could he not just go on living, pretending that it wasn’t the case? That was a stupid question I told myself. He couldn’t pretend it wasn’t the case when it was because that would be living a lie. Everything he had thought about the way the world worked was false and he was suddenly understanding it all. He deserved to be able to react any way he wished. 

“As one goes along this proverbial line, they will note that the number of people with those abilities become exceedingly more rare, till as stated before, there are none.” I took a break, closing my eyes. Rain’s hands were still clenched and eyes sealed shut as well. He seemed vaguely like a child under the belief that if he couldn’t see the world, the world couldn’t see him.

I squeezed his hand, trying to bring him back to earth, tell him it was ok, and I continued to speak. “Sorcery is easier to perform based on multiple factors. The less effect it has on the world around you, the easier an act of sorcery will be to achieve. In addition, the more tangible an act of sorcery is, the easier it will be to carry out. This accounts for why any manipulation relating to thoughts or minds will be significantly more challenging than various other types of manipulations.” For a moment I zeroed in on the thoughts of manipulations of thoughts or minds. I knew no one alive possessed the ability to do it, it was too complex, but it still scared me. It was real-life mind control and once one person possessed the ability to do it, we all lost our free will.

“We have now reached the concealment of sorcery, the explanation as to why the glorious abilities that possess are thought of fable by the rest of the world. That is simply because sorcery is not believable to those who are not sorcerers of significant levels. A sorcerer could speak of their unmatchable powers to a normal person, but that person we speak of would not have the mental capacity to consider the truth in their statement. Without being shown an act of sorcery, humans do not have the internal abilities to truly believe in its existence. This power has kept sorcerers alive and secret for years, creating a world where if a human happened to see a sorcerer perform an act of sorcery, anyone this human shared with, would ridicule them. Anyone this human tried to share their exploits with, would not be capable of believing them.” I wanted to stop the pain Rain was feeling but I couldn’t. Scary as it was for him I could tell now what I hadn’t been able to earlier, he needed this. 

His shaking had subsided a bit, but he still leaned against me, immobile. He wasn’t scared because he didn’t want this to be true, he was scared because he knew it was. The revelation shocked me, but I knew at once the truth it held.

I kissed Rain’s forehead lightly and kept reading, pretending not to know what I now did and speaking kindly, as if that would lessen the blow. “Of course, sorcerers are humans too, but they are also more so we tend to use humans as a word to create a distinction between sorcerers and those without powers of sorcery. Oftentimes, lots of things that apply to humans will apply to low level sorcerers too, but that is what many refer to as a ‘grey area.” Rain seemed truly scared, possibly even for himself. I could tell something in Rain’s life made him think that he would be found as a sorcerer. I knew he had told me, he got a new job and suddenly my thoughts went to the worst. I tried to ignore it, and came to a resolve that I would ask him. Not today, probably not tomorrow, but I would ask him about what he was so afraid of.

“In general, sorcerers exist as a part of the human population. Always immersed in it, yet never fully human, always different, outsiders. Now that sorcerers truly understand their full abilities, what they can do and what their ability entails, their power has grown exponentially. Sorcerers pose a threat, they always have. If someone without good intentions achieved a high level, the world as we know it could be plunged into a reign of chaos filled by death and destruction. Sorcerers need to be stopped, checked, and in some cases taken out.” We sat still, neither of us daring to move after the menacing lines I had just uttered.

With the same question in both our heads we wondered, did we need to be taken out? 

After a long while of eerie silence Rain finally moved to lay his head on my lap. I started to run my fingers through his hair and for the first time since I had begun to read he opened his eyes. “Cade,” He said in a deep, full voice. “I can do magic,”

Despite everything I grinned. “Yes Rain. You can do magic.” 

At that, he grabbed the collar of my shirt and pushed his lips to mine, pulling me into a long kiss. I glowed internally. He was my boyfriend and I was unreasonably proud of that fact. We were living different lives worlds apart but he was my boyfriend and I loved him so goddamn much.

When we let go he pushed himself up, inching his way up me till he sat on my lap. I hugged him and trailed some kisses down his neck. I was just so happy whenever I was with him. In that moment, that single moment of the millions I had lived, things just felt… right.

He turned his head and whispered into my hair, “let’s keep reading.” 

How could he possibly want to? “You seemed too-” I paused, looking for the right word. “Affected before.”

“I was,” he responded. He corrected himself, “I am. But, I also know I’m a sorcerer, I can’t argue with it anymore so now all I want is to learn about it, figure it out.”

“Ok,” I smiled, opening the book to the next page. It was a page with a list of sorcerer levels and it had some brief notes which appeared to be scribbled in by Madame Pama. 

Sorcerer Levels (not available for students)

Sorcerers have current levels and cap levels. They can always become more powerful until they reach their cap level. Currently there is no way to know a sorcerers ability cap level. Additionally, there are low, medium, and high sorcerers to distinguish between individual levels. 

Zero:
They are a normal human.
They are simply included in this list for reasons of practicality.

Ones: 
Practically the average human.
some small senses or abilities are barely heightened.
This is so extremely insignificant that there is no way of them ever knowing. 

Twos: 
They have the ability to heighten many small things about them subconsciously.
They can do this to a greater extent than level ones but lesser than level threes. 
This is still so insignificant that there is no way they would ever know. 

Threes: 
Can occasionally manipulate small things.
With extreme effort could manipulate the way tiny spaces are perceived by others.
Could heighten normal human capabilities by a small amount without even noticing.
No elemental manipulations.
Though they have sorcery abilities they are still considered insignificant in the grand scheme of sorcery. 

Fours: Accept kids of here and higher- primary year
Can do the minimal manipulations.
Can change the way very small areas of space are perceived.
Can heighten normal human abilities.
Single Element Manipulation.
Mental moving of the element.
Minimal alterations of the element shape.
Without coaching they could eventually reveal the existence of sorcerers.
They must be trained.

“Cade what does this mean?” Rain asked, pointing to the most recent note jotted in next to the words by the handwriting I recognized to be Madame Pama.

“This is where she accepts kids for the academy,” I responded. When confronted by his confused expression, I tried again. “At the school I go to they take kids who are level four and higher. It’s an academy for sorcerers.”

“Of course it’s for sorcerers.” He muttered under his breath, both sarcastic and exasperated. 

I had to bite my lip to refrain from laughing and after composing myself went back to reading.

Fives: Accept kids of here and higher for middle year
Can manipulate a little more than the minimal.
They can manipulate perceptions of slightly larger areas. They can do this with more intensity and accuracy than most fours.
They can manipulate themselves to be far more powerful than most people. 
Double Element Manipulation.
Moving small amounts of the element with ease. 
Can change the element shape.
Can change element density by a small amount.

Sixes: Accept kids of here and higher for final year
Many manipulations
Small external manipulations of what people perceive become effortless. 
Larger external manipulations of what people perceive are challenging yet possible.
Maximum self-manipulations.
They can turn on or off others senses as a whole. 
Double Element Manipulation.
Moving slightly larger amounts of the element with ease. 
Ability to move things with large concentrations of the element. 
Can change the element shape.
Can change element density by a moderate amount.

Sevens: 
Advanced manipulations. 
Can change lots of things about the world around them. 
Maximum self-manipulations. 
Can turn on or off specific senses of others.
Vocal telepathy. All students of this level MUST be talked to
Triple Element Manipulation.
Moving larger amounts of the element with ease. 
Ability to move things with large concentrations of the element. 
Can change the element shape.
Can change element density by a moderate amount.

Eights: 
Advanced manipulations:
Can change many things about the world around them in very specific ways.
Maximum self-manipulations. 
Visible and Palpable telepathy. 
Triple Element Manipulation
Moving large amounts of the element with ease. 
Ability to move things with large concentrations of the element. 
Can change the element shape.
Can change element density by a large amount.

“Does this mean we’re eights?” Rain asked.

“According to Madame Pama I’m an eight and you have to be at least an eight too because we can both do palpable telepathy.”

“Strange,” he said, thinking for a moment. “Where does that compare to most people at your academy?” 

I subconsciously furrowed my brows a bit and touched my teeth together. “I’m the highest student in the school right now and I’m on-level with many of the teachers.”

He began to cough then hit his chest twice making himself stop. “Sorry- I um- oh wow.” He paused, “That’s crazy.”

I agreed and went back to reading.

Nines: 
Manipulations.
Can do external manipulations on a larger scale. 
Maximum self-manipulations.
Visible and Palpable telepathy.
Four Element Manipulation.
Moving large amounts of the element with ease. 
Ability to move things with large concentrations of the element. 
Can change the element shape.
Can change element density by a large amount.
Weak and basic mental manipulations. 
Can place suggestions into the minds of others.
It doesn’t work on sorcerers. 

Tens: 
Manipulations
Can do external manipulations on an even larger scale. 
Maximum self-manipulations.
Visible and Palpable telepathy.
Teleportation by the internal coordinate system.
Four element manipulation.
 Moving large amounts of the element with ease. 
Ability to move things with large concentrations of the element. 
Can change the element shape.
Can change element density by a large amount.
Slightly stronger basic mental manipulations.
With great effort one can make normal people unknowingly do things.
Ability to place suggestions into the minds of sorcerers. 

Elevens: Dangerous, Paul is on our side but any others could prove to be a large problem
Can change anything in the tangible world around them but have limits as to how much they can do at once.
Maximum self-manipulations.
Greater mental manipulation abilities, the extent of which we do not know. 
Maximum five element manipulation.

“Who’s Paul?”

“He’s the most powerful sorcerer alive, he’s a level eleven.”

“Oh.” Rain rolled his eyes and I giggled a bit, happy to see his initial shock wearing off.

Twelves: 
Can fully change anything the Tangible world around them. 
Can change it for specific others, all, ect. 
Can fog specific areas of the mind or many at once.
Maximum all element manipulation.

Thirteens: Extreme Danger
Can remake, delete, change, or add anything and everything in existence. 
Maximum all element manipulation.
Can control other people’s movements and speech. 
Can kill others with just mental concentration.

“So do you guys all wear those silver cloaks?”

“Yeah it helps us with near invisibility.”

“Oh,” Rain let out a short laugh but it felt forced. “Ok.”

I went back to reading, internally commenting on Madame Pama’s frantic tone, but not mentioning it.

Fourteens: Let's pray we don't have to deal with any others of these, EVER
Can remake, delete, change, or add anything and everything in existence, past present or future. 
Can control others thoughts. If the other side had this power the war is lost
Can blink others out of existence. The world as we know it would cease to exist with power like this.

Notes:

1- All Levels can do everything of those before them in addition to what is listed.

2- Very little is known about level eleven and above, all known information has been passed through myths or speculation.

3- Manipulations of other people may not work on other sorcerers depending on the levels of the sorcerers involved. 

“Well that’s unsettling.” Rain laughed but he didn’t find it funny.

I wanted to be scared, but he was here. I could read about as many shocking hypothetical magic levels as I wanted, with Rain here, none of them felt that bad. 

Whatever I dealt with, had to face in life, I wouldn’t be alone. I had him, and he knew everything about me. In a way, it was freeing, not having to lie to him, or make dumb changes to stories involving sorcery. I could tell him things. I could share with him the raw truths of my life that no one else could know and he would always support me.

Wrapping my arms around where he still sat in my lap I squeezed him tightly. 

Grinning a bit, he held my hands in his. “What was that for?”

“I just-” I paused, “care about you so much.” I really meant it. I loved him when he was happy and free, or sad or dark and brooding. I loved him when he laughed and when he cried. I loved the way he was always blowing hair out of his face from the left corner of his mouth. I loved his deep blue eyes which distracted me like nothing else. Everything about him made me feel at home.

“You’re everything to me” he said, smiling and patting me where I held him. “I’m ok. Really.”

I held him tighter. “I know.

Today I walked down the glass steps of the large, main control room with purpose. Dana’s younger brother and “second in command” which was one of those high but undefined positions, had come back from an infiltration he had been working on for a few years. She said something about his project being the Northern Empire side of her own main focus but what exactly that was, she still failed to tell me.

He stood against the back of the room, a tall, well built man with muscles just defined enough that I could see them beneath his shirt. 

He had a long head of sandy-blonde hair and bright blue eyes which I could see piercing me as he looked at me, placid and surveying. I could see his eyes stay with me as I walked over to him. I could feel myself becoming just slightly intimidated but I refused to admit it. I was above him in rank, I had no reason to be scared. 

When I reached him he held out his hand and I shook it. Both our grips were firm, too firm as if it were some sort of competition which, I supposed it was. 

“Supreme Commander.” I gave me a curt nod.

“Reha.” I called him by his last name and reciprocated the movement. 

“Do you mind if we take a conference room?” he asked, gesturing to behind me where the lay. His tone was bright and the kind of friendly which I found myself immediately distrustful of.

When we entered one of the large, dark rooms I sat in the first cahir available and he followed, sitting directly next to me.

“So,” I began, “Tell me about what you’ve been working on.” I tried to lean back and mimic his calm posture but it felt strange and forced.

“Ok.” he sat up a bit straighter, a grin on his face. “So you’re not going to believe this but just hear me out, ok? I can prove it later.”

I nodded a tight nod and ran a hand through my hair.

“I’ve been at a very secretive school up in the Northern Empire. In this school they’ve been, it sounds crazy, but they’ve been training sorcerers.”

“Sorcerers?” I let out a short, barking laugh but I could already feel my heart rate increasing.

“Real sorcerers. Like ones who can do magic. Dana showed me that I could do magic when I was sixteen and when I was seventeen she was newly chosen Supreme Commander so they decided to send me to the academy.” I tried to look smug and unbelieving but I knew where he was going all too well. “It happens for six months a year so I’ve been going, doing a type of recon. Every sorcerer in their army goes to that academy first so I was tasked with really getting into their ranks. I was supposed to find if any of the rising kids are powerful enough to pose a threat.”

“A threat?” I echoed.

“Yeah, the most powerful sorcerer’s a level twelve but there aren’t even many tens in the world so anyone with the potential to reach up there needs to be taken out before they become even more powerful.” 

Taken out? I wanted to ask more, to pry about it. I wanted to get him to tell me that there was no girl there with the perfect laugh and the bright eyes and the shiny cloak but I couldn’t do any of that. 

I tried to think of how to respond, how I was supposed to respond. Somewhere in the back of my mind I remembered the sorcery book Cade had read to me a few weeks ago. It had talked about how human minds couldn’t even comprehend the idea of sorcery and therefore would never believe it was real until proven. I tried my best to go off that. “Stop lying Dolion.” This time I addressed him by his first name. “Tell me what you’ve really been working on.”

At that, his smile got even bigger. It looked as if he were about to reveal some huge secret and wanted me to be shocked. I was so close to yelling at him; to telling him I already knew the secret and my god if I heard any more about his evil conniving plans against Cade I might explode but I didn’t. I just stayed silent. 

“Check this out.”

I watched as he gingerly set a coin on the table in front of us. He stood up and stepped back, lifting his hands up to chest height but leaving them loose and open. 

I looked back and forth between him and the coin for a moment, unsure where to place my attention. Then something strange happened. Not something implausible but something surprising. 

Slowly, as if moved by strings attached to his hands the coin began to lift into the air. I found myself lifting my eyebrows with authentic surprise but I didn’t speak and just watched. He began to move the coin, pulsing it to be larger and smaller in loose, calm movements. 

It was so peculiar. I had seen Cade do something similar with fire, she had even taught me how a bit, but watching someone that wasn’t her do it sent goosebumps down my spine. Suddenly it was so uncontrollably real and I didn’t like it. 

The coin was the size of a small ball now and without warning his movements became sharp and powerful, not the loose flowing control he had had before but something different, something angry. He opened his hand fully and the ball rushed to it, quickly.

He threw the ball with what I could tell to be all the strength he had. It rushed to the other side of the room, shockingly quickly, and came back to his hand just as fast. He did it twice more and I could see a strange contorted determination on his face which most definitely, was not caused by me. 

I began to clap, lightly and politely in a way that could have been mocking or sincere. I needed to get away from this conversation. Not just to get away from his but from- I couldn’t even say it. The ties he had to… her. 

He stopped throwing the ball abruptly. “Thanks.” He chuckled a bit in that deeply charismatic way that I could tell anyone would find irresistible. “Are you ready to go see Dana’s part?”

Unbidden, it came together in my mind. This was Dolion. The Dolion. Cade’s Dolion who kind of liked her and she maybe liked back and- Oh no. At that moment I was so thankful to be sitting down because if I hadn't been I likely would have fallen. 

I just needed to get through this. I needed to go see whatever Dana was working on and then I could go back to my bedroom and freak out but just for a bit, I needed to push my feelings down. “Yes,” I responded through gritted teeth. “Let’s go.”

I followed him down a series of large and twisting corridors. Sometimes they were crowded and sometimes empty. I recognized most of them until we entered a muggy tunnel which I followed him through till we found ourselves in a new hallway with windows facing views I didn’t quite recognize. I quickly became aware that he had led me through an underground tunnel to a new building. This one was made of old grey stone. 

“We’re here,” Dolion said when we stood in front of an old, tall door. It was made of metal and had a strangely ominous feeling to it. Below it there were deep scrapes on the ground, as if it were extremely heavy and hard to open yet that was done often. After watching it for a moment more I noticed there was no handle.

I puzzled over it internally for a second but without warning, Dolion was standing back from it and holding his hand out in front of him as a guide. He pulled it back slowly and at a speed matching his hand’s the door began to open. He looked at me as it strained and gave another grin as if I were supposed to be shocked by every small act of sorcery he had to show me. “It’s convenient because Dana and I are some of the only people who can open it.” He said as if answering a question. I was wondering. 

Perhaps, I thought to myself, I would have been shocked had I not seen Cade do most of this before. Although, she was new to metal manipulating and most definitely could not do it with anything this large.

Dolion walked into a vast room and I followed. In it, what I gauged to be more than a hundred people stood. They were shrouded in black cloaks with a strange opacity which made them all seem to fade into the background. They stood deathly still as if perfect officers and they watched me. 

Their ages ranged from children to adults of maybe fourty or so. They all looked very different as if they were a group handpicked from all corners of the empire. I tried to feign disregard but I wanted to stand for just a moment more as I marveled. They probably were handpicked from all corners of the empire.

Attached to each of their strange cloaks were small circular patches simply filled with color. I wondered why they were there but quickly noticed that they were all uniform among the row. The first row had pins which were a dark burgundy; the second row had a deep brownish orange; next was a navy blue; a muddled grey with hints of yellow; a dark green like the treetops late a night; in the last row, far back, was a deep, hypnotic purple. 

I followed Dolion as he walked over to Dana. The three of us formed a straight line as we surveyed the large crowd. Some of the people, or clones as was probably more accurate, had multiple of the small colored patches. A select few even had three or four but I still couldn’t tell what they meant.

Dana watched the crowd. “Attention.” She spoke so quietly I could barely make out the word but immediately everyone stood even straighter than before. Straighter than should have been possible. “This is Rain Than.” Authority rang through her voice. “He is your superior and you will always answer to him.” Despite everything I felt myself glowing a bit. “Today, he will be attending your elemental training. Follow me outside and enter your groups.” 

“Come on Rain,” Dana said, gesturing for me to follow her and Dolion as they began to exit the room. I obliged and found myself walking next to them in the hall we had entered through yet this time the hordes of perfectly synchronized soldiers followed us. 

“Dana,” I tried to whisper, not sure if I was joking or not, “Why the hell am I only finding out about this now?”

“Rain.” She shrugged as if it didn’t matter, “The Supreme Haar told me to wait so I did.” 

At the word supreme Haar Dolion’s eyes lit up. If I had nothing else above him, at least I had met the Supreme Haar and he had not. That gave me one small moment of pride before we turned the corner and I found myself outside. 

We were in front of a huge field, lightly scattered with huge flowing trees throughout, which created a canopy above us. 

At the end of the vast field there were a few trees followed by nothing. We were on a cliff ledge. I looked at the stone grey building we had just come from. It was covered in thick vines which could have hid it’s existence from afar, alongside the fact that it was built into the face of a cliff. I laughed a bit to myself. At least this way, none of the sorcerers could escape the Haar. 

I turned back to them and vaguely felt as I had when Cade had first revealed the existence of sorcery to me, everything was being turned upside down. 

I saw people splitting into six general groups and remembered what Cade had told me about the six elements. 

On my right, all the sorcerers had a deep orange-brown patch, though many had others as well. They stood in front of many different strange but sharp weapons. Different types and shapes and sizes, some the size of a mere fingernail and others the size of a room. Generally, the people with only one patch were working with the smaller pieces and I wanted to ask Dana the significance but I didn’t. That group had to be the ones who could Manipulate Metal. 

To my left, there was a waterfall. I immediately knew the sorcerers who stood in front of it had to be water manipulators. They pulled what looked like fine strips of water from it and twisted them around, creating balls and other things. Some of the ones who seemed more advanced were turning it into sharp ice and trying to melt it once more but it seemed almost as if they had less control when it reached its solid form. 

Standing near the face of the cliff, the area where it rose even higher, was another large group. They stood around various bushes and trees and even the grass. They could make them move and grow and wrap around each other's feet in the most unusual fashion but one which seemed so effective I found myself swarmed by goosebumps. Nature manipulators. 

On the other side, interspersed by wide trees which I couldn’t quite see past, beams of light seemed to reflect from person to person. The people over there were light manipulators. They could channel light, hold it in balls or shoot it from their hands in beams. They could make spaces brighter, or pitch black. Of course, as Cade had told me, only the powerful ones could do the complicated things like that.

Next, I saw the Fire Manipulators. Cade had begun teaching me how to do that myself. We had sat together as she kept saying ‘just focus,’ despite my complete inability to do it. At the end, when we were lying down together in our separate places and I was calm, I was finally able to do it. I created a small, circular ball of flame in my hands and smiled. I remember switching it from hand-to-hand, overjoyed at the small, tangible bit of magic I had just achieved. I tickled her with it, running it up and down her arms till neither of us could take it seriously anymore but I was proud of myself and unlike anyone ever had been before, she was proud of me too.

After the past three weeks of practicing, I could do much more and she kept telling me how shocked she was that I had learned it so fast but that’s just what people are supposed to say. Since we were both at least level eights we should have been able to manipulate three elements but we had both started the easiest ones for us. They changed based on birthday but since we shared one we could work together and learn in the same order. She was close to fully mastering fire and metal manipulations but my fire skills had been really coming along recently as well.

Looking at the fire manipulators here, I wasn’t sure how I felt. Some of them were still focusing on juggling a small ball of flame as I had done on the first day, yet others could light their whole body ablaze. Hopefully, one day I would be able to do the same.

On the edge of the cliff, near the area where it completely dropped down to what was likely near the main base, the group with the muddled yellow patches stood. They moved their back and forth with the same force and flow as everyone else but I didn’t see anything happening until I saw one a hair wave back a bit as if hit by a gust of wind and with shock realized one woman was standing without actually touching the ground. Air Manipulators. Everyone here, in all of the groups, seemed so perfect and well-disciplined. None of them spoke or made any move to do anything other than what everyone else was doing. Their pure focus shocked and impressed me.

One young air manipulator seemed to be forming a whirlwind around himself. He had curly blonde hair which whipped around him like a mop, green eyes, and slim lanky build. He couldn’t have been more than twelve or thirteen. 

“Theo stop,” One of the adults spoke through gritted teeth. 

The boy was not dismayed and continued to spin. He even laughed a bit but it sounded choked and strange as if another emotion were fighting for a front seat in his mind. His hair covered his eyes but he was spinning faster and faster still, pulling up grass with him as if he were a small tornado.

I saw one of the metal manipulators in charge, not Dolion or Dana who would never get their hands dirty but someone just below them, walking over with a long blunt pole. 

The man didn’t have to get close to the boy, Theo, to hit him with the pole three times, hard enough that Theo yelled out in pain. 

Dana and I just stood there watching, no particular emotion on our faces. That was just a part of life and a given when people stepped out of line here. There was no reason to feel bad for the boy, I told myself but it felt too close to persuasion for comfort. 

Theo staggered back a few steps, his toes on the edge of the cliff as if he didn’t notice. I thought he had regained his balance once more but suddenly he was falling to his knees and his body just missed the cliff as he fell. 

I showed no reaction but watched him as he disappeared from sight. He couldn’t just be gone. Quickly as he had fell I saw him rising up as if floating on air. Oh, that made sense. He was holding his side and immediately fell over as he reached solid ground. 

The metal manipulator, who must have hit him quite hard, grabbed Theo by the back collar of his black cloak. “No-” He began to plead, pushing back against the man's grip. 

Theo’s chest was struck once again with the floating metal bar and he began coughing, speaking no more as he was dragged away. He would be back though, he was extremely powerful. He could float on air and had four of the patches so likely could manipulate four elements. He was far too powerful of an asset for the Haar to lose. 

“I’m going to go,” I said, turning to Dana. “I’ve seen enough of your sorcerer army.”

“Alright.” Her light blue eyes looked into my own. “I’ll see you at twenty-one hours tonight for drinks and going over all this?”

I nodded and walked off, hoping Dolion wouldn’t be joining us.

As I left I didn’t look back. Looking back wasn’t the type of thing I would do. No, looking back wasn’t the type of thing the person I was pretending to be would do. What would I do though? Without the strings of pretending to be this person I had to, what would I do? Not look back. I didn’t want to look back. 

At what point had I lost the difference between who I was and who I was pretending to be? Was there even a difference? Had there ever even been a difference?

I shook my head, trying to make myself believe that the physical movement would change the thoughts in my mind. I couldn’t be true, I didn’t want it to be true. But it was. I was a horrible, terrible person. I wasn ‘t pretending to be one, it was just who I was.

When I woke up today I finished my book. The ending had depicted an uplifting reunion of two lovers. When I got dressed I found a pair of socks immediately and when I went for breakfast, three friends at my side, they had been serving my favorite thing, fried eggs and baguette. 

Things had gone well in my controlling offensive magic through weapons class and now I was shockingly chipper. Today was the day. I was going to do what Rain and Dolion had been telling me I was strong enough to for so long.

Fena currently sat atop a large rock with Sasha and I found myself walking towards them from behind. I was using the complete silence of movement manipulation so they wouldn’t know I was there. At least, not until the last moment. 

When I finally reached the rock I was scared but drunk on excitement. I was ready, I could do this. Fena had no power over me and I wanted to show that to her once and for all. That was, hopefully without a physical confrontation because that was against the Academy Code. 

“Sasha.” My voice was harsh and I could see them both jump a bit as they first heard it.

The two girls turned to look at me. I could see Sasha’s straight ginger hair blowing to the side in the wind and Fena’s thick, curly blonde hair doing the same. 

“Get out.” My voice didn’t have the usual sugar-coating. Today it was firm and full of resolve. 

Sasha began to get up but Fena met her eyes with a death stare. Sasha was still for a moment but when she looked back at me she seemed to see something there so she rushed off, leaving Fena alone. 

Fena stood and pulled her cloak over herself more. “Cade what’s wrong?” I couldn’t tell if she sounded bored or annoyed with me or scared or maybe tired of this all but I was tired of it. I was tired of her tormenting me and constantly working to make my life here hell when I belonged. I knew I belonged.  

I smiled and advanced on her, just to prove I could, until she was backed up, all the way against the large rock, the same fall she had edged me off of three months before. I watched as she tried to tilt back a bit but then looked behind her in horror as she realized how precarious her position was. Her hands rested at chest height and she held one over the other, squeezing tightly. 

I took one more step towards her, then another till I was less than a meter away. I had wanted to stay strong, composed but it was so hard and the words began falling out of my mouth. “You think you’re so powerful. You think for some reason or another that you’re so much better than everyone else but you’re not.”

“I-I am she stuttered. I’m a level six, that’s the highest in our year.”

“You’re nothing but weak.” Suddenly as a wave of sense had crashed over me I became acutely aware that this was the same thing that had happened before. Everything was the same, we were just reversed. But that wasn’t a bad thing, it felt good. I liked the power over her, the fear in her eyes. After everything she had done to me she deserved this; she deserved so much worse than this. 

“Cade.” Her voice was level but barely. “I’m a water manipulator. Do you really think the threat of being pushed into a lake scares me?” I heard a minute squeak at the end of her sentence. Yes, it did scare her. 

I grabbed the neck of her cloak and pushed her back, as if the only thing stopping her from falling was my grip. Her hands held tightly around the fist that held her but I didn’t care. “You will never be anything.” I wanted to break her. At that moment it was as if I had lost control of myself and the only thing I knew was that I wanted to break her as she had broken me. I wanted to make everyone she relied on leave her till she was alone and sad and then I wanted to ruin her.

“Please, stop.” She was speaking to me as if it were a plea but I quickly began to feel something wrapping around my legs. It was tight and getting tighter, threatening to pull me down. When I looked I saw roots, as if from trees or plants, they were wrapping around me. I had forgotten she could manipulate two elements. I looked back at her, still at my mercy. She was more powerful than I had realized but it was nothing compared to me. 

I smiled and suddenly my legs were on fire. She gave a small screech, maybe because she wasn’t used to other first years manipulation fire as powerfully as me, or maybe she was shocked to watch her nature burn but whatever it was I didn’t cure. 

“I am a level eight.” With a heavy coating of sweet, sweet malice in voice I stepped even closer and repeated back the words she had taunted me with, “You will never be as powerful as me.” It felt good, so good, as if a burning passion had been ignited within me but I wouldn’t show it.

Her face morphed into a look of pure disbelief. Her mouth hung open a bit I so badly wanted to push her off the cliff into the water, or to light her on fire like I had just done myself, but I wouldn’t. She was scared now, scared of me and that should have been enough for my revenge. I wanted it to be enough. It wasn’t enough but it was supposed to be. 

I pulled her back a bit and smiled. “I guess you know your place then.” With that, I turned around and walked away. She did not move. 

I took a deep breath, now far enough away that she couldn’t see me. I came to my senses and twirled my fingers, trying to move them as fast as I could as if to prove they still worked. Hopefully things would be ok between us, at least semi-acquaintances. 

I thought for a moment about what I had said to her, so overcome by whatever emotion I had that I was near hurting her. I shuddered. I didn’t want to hurt anyone; but in that moment I had. I had truly wanted to hurt her. 

I would pretend it had not happened. She would be too proud to tell anyone I had bested her so hopefully, I would never be reminded of that encounter again. 

Leaves on the trees around me swayed in the light breeze and in all my angst and bitter questioning I lit myself on fire. I wasn’t a hot uncomfortable but a calm and warm, vaguely fuzzy one. It was as if to prove to myself that I was as I said, more powerful than so many of them. The fire didn’t burn me, it was like a close, old friend who would always be there. 

When I reached our house where I had told Aurora I would help her with self-manipulations I found it empty of everyone but her. The final evaluation where it would be decided if we would move on to the next year was coming soon and everyone was scared. The Academy could tell us that we hadn’t done well enough this year to move on and then we might have to get a normal position in the military or we could possibly occupy somewhere low in the force of graduated sorcerers. They also could tell us that we weren’t a high enough level to move on. Everyone had level caps which were a level that despite their greatest training efforts, they would never be able to pass. If someone had a cap level of four, they would not be coming back for the middle year where the required level was five. 

Things were different graduating from the middle and final years, all final year students would join the group of graduated sorcerers, regardless of how well they had done this year though that did define their rank among the group. The middle year sorcerers all had to be a level five to come back last October and they would have to be a level six to come back for their final year in the following one. All sorcerers whose cap levels were five, we still invited to join the graduated sorcerers, despite only having completed two years so that was different. 

For us, in our primary year, it was imperative that we pass this final evaluation. 

“Hi,” I said to Aurora as I walked over to her. Without being consciously aware I had used the complete silence of movements manipulation on my whole walk. 

“Oh!” She looked a little surprised but quickly moved over. Her hair was tied into its usual chaotic bun which was only held together by a pencil pressed through it and of which many messy hair had fallen out. She moved over to make space for me as I sat.

“What parts do you need help with?”

“Ugh Cade I don’t know, all of it’s just so hard I mean I keep trying to do everything and I know I could do it but some of them only work sometimes and don’t work others and a lot of them I know I can do but it’s like I’ve forgotten and I can’t remember again.” She looked at me almost pleading. “How do you do it?”

“Well,” I paused, unprepared to actually explain any of it. “They all require mental focus but what happens in your mind is different for each one.” I paused, “Like some of them are a specific feeling or thing to picture and others are just a way of doing it.” That didn’t make much sense. “It’s like moving your limbs, it’s hard to explain how to someone who doesn’t know but once you try and figure out how to get it to work, the manipulation will come together.” I opened the book in front of us up, “each one has what they tried to create as an explanation of how to do it. What if we just go through it and you try over and over until you get it.” 

She nodded. “Yeah, yeah we got this.”

I smiled encouragingly in response and she began to read through the book in her head. 

As she did so my attention began to drift away and my thoughts for some reason went to Dolion. With time, things had become normal again between us up until last week when he had mysteriously disappeared from the Academy. When I had tried to contact him telepathically he said something about a mission to the Haar empire and that he couldn’t talk. 

Dolions quick exit had left me unnerved but it was alright. I had pressed Madame Pama for more information which she refused to give so all I had were my speculations. He had told me he reached level eight, so he was very powerful, likely more so than many of the graduated sorcerers. The Northern Empire couldn’t risk losing him, right?

I could ask him when he got back, which I assumed he would by the end of the Academy Year. I imagined him in the Haar empire with his pretty hair and neat grin and I had to suppress a laugh as I wondered how he ever would fit in. 

“Cade does this look right?” Aurora held out her hand and moved it in a quick slashing motion, faster than humanly possible. “Did I do the improved speed manipulation right?”

“Yeah, of course. You always do it correctly.” She had been able to do this manipulation for quite a while so I was slightly confused as to why she was asking me now. 

“Cade I haven’t been able to do this one before. Remember? Mister Shine failed me in this one.”

“Really?” I must have not been paying attention in that class. “I’ve watched you do it correctly in controlling offensive magic through weapons multiple times. Maybe that was subconscious.”

“Seriously?” She looked at me, eyes lit up.

“Yeah.” I raised my eyebrows.

“Wow.” She went back to reading. 

I began to let my mind drift to the final assessment as well but something felt off. I had shivers with an inexplicable source and I couldn’t really explain it but something was wrong and I didn’t know what.  

Cade. It was the voice of Dolion, ringing out through my mind. It was so loud yet so tired. It was that inexplicable breathy weak way of speaking as if he were panting from physical exhaustion. My body was quickly filled with the inexplicable urge to fall over. All the energy I had a moment ago was gone and without even realizing what was happening I found myself on the ground. 

Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard aurora say my name and shake me as I sat there but I paid no attention. I placed my hand on the cold metal door frame and using telepathy tried to respond. “Dolion?”

I saw Aurora stand a little straighter but she did not intervene. 

Cade! His breath seemed ragged and he was speaking in these small bursts. The moment I heard him again I almost fell to the ground as before but I caught myself.

“Dolion.” My breaths felt heavy too now, as if each one were a chore. “What happened? Where are you?” 

I- I heard what sounded like a strained grunt of pain from him.

“Come on Dolion, talk to me.” I felt dizzy and frantic, I needed to find him. Whatever was wrong I needed to find him. 

They- they got me Cade. He cried out once more, his pain deep and repressed. Someone was hurting him and he was telling me, he desperately needed my help.

“Who Dolion? Tell me who!” Why would he be calling to me? Of everyone he could, why me? It must have been because I was the only one who had a telepathic connection with him. Of everything every other sorcerer had above me, that was why I might have been the only one who could get to him.

The Haar! Another exclamation of pain. Who else? They have me at their- I could hear his pain through clenched teeth, how he was trying not to scream because I could hear him. The main base. He let out a huge breath and I could tell, he wouldn’t try to talk to me again, at least not right now. 

I tried to stand and Aurora gripped my shoulder. “Cade! Cade what’s happening?”

I wiped my forehead in a nearly delirious manner and tried to push her off me but I felt weak. “D- Dolion. He needs help.” My head hurt, my legs hurt, everything suddenly hurt but I didn’t have time for any of it. I needed to find him- Dolion, and I needed to go now. He was being tortured at the Haar main base and because of our connection I was the only one who could get to him. 

I threw my bag over my shoulder and began walking to the door. I turned to Aurora who I was surprised to find right behind me “I need to go talk to Madame Pama.” 

“Ok,” she responded, nodding, “I’ll come too.”

“No,” I was slowly beginning to be able to form sentences again, “I need to go alone.”

“Cade.” She looked at me sternly, her brown eyes meeting mine. “I’m coming to talk to Madame Pama with you.” It felt so definite, so final that all the arguments I wanted to have seemed to slip away and I sighed, walking out with her on my heels. 

When we reached the main building Aurora and I both immediately veered to the left, knowing that was where Madame Pama would be today. 

We opened the door, trying not to look rushed, and began walking towards Madame Pama. My head was feeling better now, as if I could have forgotten all of what had just happened and chalked it up to imagination.

Madame had a pencil in her hair, keeping all of the flowing silver of it together. She had circles under her eyes and seemed to flip through the book in front of her without actually reading it.

“Dolion’s in trouble.” I could feel my heart pounding through my chest and all that level-headedness I had had a moment ago was gone. “He’s been captured by the Haar.” In a few long strides I had made my way over to her.

Madame Pama looked up from the book, startled. “What?” she asked, though I knew she had heard me.

“Somebody needs to go save him!” Aurora exclaimed.

“Yes.” I responded immediately, “I need to go save him.”

Madame Pama’s eyes opened in an almost comical shock. “Absolutely not. You are not a graduated sorcerer and may not leave the Academy to do anything of the sort.”

“That’s not fair!” I felt like I was almost pleading, “You and I are the only two people with telepathic links to him! We’re the only two who can find him and save him! None of the other graduated sorcerers could stand a chance. Please!” I felt deep, hot wells of tears filling my eyes and my tone changed from the anger it had just had to full of defeat. “Please, I have to go.” I wouldn’t cry. Not here, not now.

“Cade you can’t. You’re too young, you’re not powerful enough, the Haar Main Base is a Suicide mission, you could never make it in to save him and get out.”

“I don’t care about getting out, I care about Dolion getting out and I’m the one most qualified because I’m the only one who can talk to him telepathically!” It was as if I could barely hold myself together, “I’m at least a level eight which you know is more powerful than most of the graduated Sorcerers. I need to go, I need to find him,” suddenly it was as if I were talking to myself, “I don’t care what you say.”

I ignored Aurora’s face and just watched Madame Pama. Carefully, pointedly. She was deliberating but I so badly needed her to say yes. She had to. I so desperately needed her to that if she didn’t say so I would have to go. I wouldn’t be able to survive knowing that Dolion was stuck in that prison and I hadn’t saved him when I could have.

She looked back at me, her gaze was hard as if trying to understand something, anything. “Alright.”

I stood in front of the tall black door to the Supreme Commander’s–Adam’s–meeting room once again. Just like the first time, I gingerly opened it and stepped into the pitch black room. 

More sure than I had been before, I began to walk down the dark tunnel, keeping one hand on the wall as if I thought maybe I could lose my way. 

When I reached the large metal door at the end of the hallway I noticed that this time, it was not cracked. I stood in front of it briefly, wondering if I should have opened it or knocked or waited for a signal of some sort. I was about to knock when the door opened. It was a light, friendly swing but when I saw Adam I wasn’t so sure that had been his intention. Adam’s skin was perfectly glassy and wrinkleless as it had been last time but his eyes now looked worn and tired with time.

His gray robe and long, silky white hair surrounded him in a particular manner I had never quite seen before; they seemed to imperceptibly float around his figure. He watched me, scrutinizing, and I got the sense that I had done something wrong but I couldn’t tell what. 

I stepped over the threshold of the door and felt a wave of goosebumps rush over me as if I had just been hit by a gust of cold wind. I walked to the empty metal chair and pulled it out. I cringed as I heard the squeak against the stone but pretended to keep my composure. 

When I sat down, I was facing Adam who sat on the other side of the long, delicate glass table. Looking around with only my eyes, I saw that the red, splotchy wall seemed almost darker than it was in my memory.

“Rain Than.” He spoke my name as a statement rather than a question.

“Adam.” I nodded at him. Neither of us spoke; they silence a noose, ever tightening with time. “How are you?” I wasn’t sure how exactly to speak but I felt the need to say something to fill the air between us. 

He watched me, tilting his head to the side a bit and ignored my question. “You saw Dana and her brother yesterday. How was that.”

I tried to think of what someone in my situation who had just been exposed to the concept of sorcery would say. “It was shocking. And eye opening. I think sorcery as a resource is very important for the Haar to utilize and I’m glad Dolion and Dana are working on that, if not slightly miffed that no one told me sooner.” That was right. The utilitarian response. The how can this help us at the Haar response.

“You have no accountability,” he countered and I did not argue. I wanted to tell him the truth, that I had been a sorcerer for a long time and he just never knew. I wanted to tell him that I had a sorcerer girlfriend in the opposing empire and I wanted him to tell me I was the person he had been waiting for and beg to be a spy for him. For some reason, I wanted him to be proud.

“The limits of sorcery are just broad.” Instead, I replaced the feeling with a compulsion to impress him; to share all I knew that he didn’t, to gain his appreciation that way. “The ways sorcery can manipulate the world as we know it, if we had that power under our control-” Cade. If I said any more I could share the existence of my relationship with Cade. I could put everything we had in jeopardy and if I did that, if I ever hurt her, I wasn’t sure how I could ever bear to keep walking the earth. “There’s just a lot of possibility and none of us really know how far it can go.”

“But,” he chuckled, “You do.”

“Me?” I tried to act surprised, not frantic and scared as my mind moved a million kilometers an hour. “No, just speculation.”

I could feel a wave of fear crashing over me as if from some external source. This was the same as last time. Everything felt so similar. And yet so different. Something about Adam’s cold and calculated demeanor in the room made him feel strange and foreign, nothing like the friendly version of him I had seen last time. This time was so off and I couldn’t quite figure out why.

“What’s your goal for your reign as Supreme Commander?” he asked me. He seemed to have calmed down but only marginally so.

“I’m nineteen. I easily have twenty or thirty years of ruling in me. If the Northern Empire doesn’t fall before I retire, I will consider myself a failure.” This time there was no lie. I told him the truth and nothing else. I didn’t need to go into how my hatred of that empire and everything they stood for burned in me like a flame that wouldn’t be blown out, but I could tell my face said it all.

“So Rain,” his hands rested loosely on the table, palm down. “Do you want to take it out, or take it over?”

Oh. Did I want to take it out or take it over? Everyone there was so devoted to their empire. They had their beliefs and ways of life and despite anything we could do when we took over, their culture was like a disease. It would wiggle its way under doors and into unsuspecting families. It would come everywhere and go nowhere. There was only one way to truly eradicate the world of the northern empire. 

But Cade. Oh god Cade. She lived in the northern empire. Why did she have to disrupt everything? If not for her I would have approved destruction but since she lived in the Northern Empire it complicated everything. But that didn’t matter. I could protect her from anything that threatened her. She didn’t need to get in the way of my plans. 

“I think,” I paused, praying Adam would approve, “We need to take the Northern Empire out before we can truly take it over.”
He smiled. “You might be the smartest one.” 

The smartest what? Ran through my mind. Supreme Commander? Sorcerer? 

“Or the dumbest.” I blankly stared at him “Those two are so often the same aren’t they.”

A forced nod. I was utterly bewildered.

“In a world where everyone is weak, we need the strong to push ahead and do what no one else is willing because without it, change will never come. You can do that. You can be the strong one who’s willing to do what no one else will, but doesn’t need to when it’s necessary.”

“Thank you.” I wasn’t quite sure how else to respond.

“That’s why I organized last month’s tournament the way I did.” I had assumed Vector Sampson organized the Supreme Commander tournament, not Adam. “I needed someone who would kill another, not because they wanted to, but because that was what the situation required. I need the fine line between soft and sadistic. When I was watching, I saw that in you. That thirst to win by whatever means it took, but also that self-control.” He had been watching? I had no memory of seeing him there. What else in my life had he seen? Was it even possible for him to have been there watching?

“Thank you,” I said once more. There was nothing else to say, nothing that could capture how truly baffled I was. 

Idly, I wondered how it was possible for someone with his demeanor to rule one of the largest empires in the world. I supposed, he had probably started out cruel, but could now afford to act how he wanted, with a reputation like his. In a place like his, no one could question him so he could be himself. That was probably the beauty of it all.

“So would you condone murdering everyone in the Northern Empire?” I was earnestly interested to hear his answer.

He sat for a moment, twirling his long hair around one finger. “Absolutely.” He said it matter-of-factly, as if there was no question.

For a short moment I was scared. A man like him who seemed to be so kind and friendly and lighthearted had just shown me a new side to him. He could pretend to be kind because he had nothing to prove to anyone, but I would make no mistake, he was not kind but a cold-blooded killer.

“Me too.” I looked him in the eyes, a newfound ferocity in my voice. I knew that with the exception of Cade I would. That may have made me a cold blooded killer as well, but it was true. It would always be true.

He told me I could leave then so I did, walking down the hallways a little dazed and possibly scared of my confession. I didn’t want him to think that I was willing to go too far, if that was even possible. 

- - -

Upon entering my room I immediately sprawled onto my bed, overly exhausted after a meeting about the expenses of switching to more efficient ships that I just couldn’t bring myself to pay attention to.

“Cade, do you have a moment?” I asked telepathically, sitting on my bed and tapping each finger one at a time on the taught black sheets. I was tired, ready to fall asleep, and happy to pass out, but I knew if I tried now I would only end up lying awake for hours on end. 

“Yeah,” She said, not taking the usual time to go somewhere and find privacy. “How are you doing? Anything particularly earth-shattering happen today?” 

I let out a small smile. “I’m,” I paused, “alright.” I never gave an answer better than a glum ‘good’ so this wasn’t completely out of the ordinary for me. 

“What’s wrong Rain?” Of course she could fully read me after I uttered a mere two words.

I thought of Dolion, the man who she had considered her friend. The one who I just learned had been working for us this whole time. I thought of his plan to draw out and capture someone powerful in the Northern Empire; someone Cade likely knew. The simple fact that I worked for the Haar and I had still not told her was wrong. But I couldn’t, everything would be over. Plus, was anything not wrong at this point? This was my first time talking to her since the encounter with Dolion two days ago and looking into her eyes, I wasn’t sure how I possibly planned to tell her lies about me for the rest of my life.

“It’s just the normal,” I said. “Everything’s really stressful and I’m trying to balance it all, nothing interesting.”

“Ok.” She nodded, deep in thought. “Well, if you ever want to talk about it I’m here.” I could tell she wasn’t falling for my lie but she wasn’t the type to pry and I appreciated that. 

“Yeah of course.” My face brightened a bit. “I know.” 

She kissed me lightly.

“You’re never going to believe what I did a few days ago.” She looked at me, eyes bright and free of the trouble I felt.

“Tell me!” I clasped her hands in mine, an attempt at excitement radiating off me as well as I waited for her to share.

“Oh,” her face turned a bit pink, “It sounds weird when I tell the story but I basically like told Fena to f*ck off for the first time and it went really well.”

“That’s Amazing!” I kissed her again, my mood already brighter. “Tell me exactly how it happened.”

“Ok.” She laughed a bit and delved into a very long and detailed story of her takedown of Fena. I spent the whole time listening intently and telling her to keep going, intoxicated by the mere sound of her voice. She had stood up for herself, something I had been trying to help her to do for so long. My insides felt warm and giddy. Cade was amazing. She was so amazing and so unmatchable, I couldn’t imagine ever living without her.

By the end of her retelling I touched the back of her head and pulled her in for a kiss. The two of us were instantly fully absorbed in each other, lingering on the other’s lips as long as we could till time seemed to pull us away.

She looked into my eyes, passionately and intensely, her eyes getting wet and just slightly red. “I... I love you Rain.” She said it kindly, warmly. Speaking the three words that up until now she hadn’t. 

I could feel my composure change, my eyes widen. My heart threatened to break into a thousand pieces on the spot but I refused to let it. I had to steady my breath, keep it together. Right now, nothing else mattered. “I love you too.” I said it slowly, testing each of the words out. I did love her. I had loved her since the beginning but I hadn't wanted to scare her off. Or maybe it was just that I hadn’t wanted to scare myself. I felt it every time I looked at her eyes, her smile, her laugh, I really did love her. My feelings for her were unmatched, she was everything to me. “Cade,” I began. “I was lost. For a long time. But this year, I found myself in you.”

At that I let a solitary tear run down my face. It was a strange feeling, foreign, but I didn’t dispel it. The tear wasn’t cold like I would have expected it to be, it was just… there. Yes, it was there. She touched my shoulders and kindly pulled me into her, sitting there and just hugging me. The two of us didn’t move, letting the silence lap over us like the ocean waves we would never get to experience. 

I felt as the tear reached my chin and watched in seeming slow motion as it fell onto the bed planting a small spot of water on it.

When pulled away and looked back up at Cade I was smiling. She was smiling too and her eyes were wet with empathy. I could see her true comprehension of the feeling running through me. I loved her. I loved her so much and I was done denying it. 

We laughed a bit, our eyes meeting, neither of us knowing what to do after existing in this raw place together, even if only for a moment. 

I lay down on my back and stared at the ceiling, leaving my hand to rest on the ground, palm up. She did the same and intertwined her fingers with mine, squeezing. I looked up at the dull, bumpy ceiling and she looked at whatever lay above her. Maybe it was another ceiling but I hoped it was the stars. I hoped she could see the shining beauty in all of them and then hear me as I told her she was better than the brightest one.

We didn’t have to move and didn’t have to think. I could lay there, calm for what felt like an eternity and I was just peaceful. 

After an amount of time, maybe a minute, maybe an hour, I couldn’t comprehend the passage of time in her presence, I felt the urge to speak. “What have you done today?” I asked, trying to initiate more conversation about something light and friendly but her face quickly clouded over.

“Sh*t Cade, I’m sorry. What is it?”

“It’s my friend.” Her friend? Please no, god no. “Dolion has been captured and I’m on my way to go save him.”

No. No no no. My pulse began to quicken and I tried to pull my hand away from hers subtly but she noticed. “That’s so-” I faltered. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t say anything. I was weak and for a moment all my free will ceased to exist. I needed to get up. To move or to go anywhere. I couldn’t be here right now. I couldn’t sit here and pretend I wasn’t lying to her. “Cade something’s come up, I have to go.”

Her brows knit together. “What? Rain are you ok?”

“Yes I’m fine it’s just I have to go. I may not be able to talk for a week or so I’m sorry.” I abruptly stopped our telepathy, praying Cade didn’t think it was anything she had said.

I could feel myself shaking. Actually shaking. Things were not going well. Was she coming? Was she the one we were trapping?

I lay back down, trying to hide my head in my hands, trying to hide from the world. I was shaking, not intentionally but it wouldn’t stop. The feeling wouldn’t go away and I was getting hot. 

My head was in my hands, and I was gripping it hard, pushing tighter and tighter only to be disrupted by a knock on the door. “Busy!” I called weakly, only able to speak one word.

“I was told by Dana to come in no matter what.” It was an officer, someone random no doubt but everything was suddenly crashing in around me and I had lost control.

“I. Am. Busy.” My voice was strained but my tone sharp and menacing. 

The door creaked open and a young man meekly stepped in closing the door behind him. I was sure to him I just looked like a random superior, hand clasped onto my hair so tightly the smallest movement would make it fall out and tears just barely wetting the side of my eyes. F*ck Dana, why would she ever give someone those instructions. So late at night too.
I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole, or at least for the room to stop shaking and spinning, shaking and spinning as if I were caught in some terrible loop I couldn’t escape.

“I’m sorry-” the officer began but it was too late. I lost control of my actions and my knife was already crossing the room, making contact with his heart. He staggered back a few steps but then he wall and fell, just like that. There was a streak of blood there now but I didn’t care. Everything was blurring into everything else in my mind and he was the last thing I was willing to concern myself with. 

But Cade. Oh, Cade. She would find out. She would see and know that everything was a lie. She would know that everything we had was a lie. No, it wasn’t a lie. All of this, I actually felt this way. It had been real and honest. I loved her. I was against the Northern Empire but that didn’t mean I didn’t love her right? Could we still make it work when everything about us was so fundamentally different? 

Maybe she would agree with me. I wondered if possibly she would join the Haar, but even as I thought I knew it wasn’t true. She was Cade. She was stubborn, strong, kind, beautiful Cade. What was I supposed to do in this situation though? What could I even do?

From where I lay on top of the covers I began to thrash around, my eyes squeezed tightly shut, fighting off invisible forces. This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t happening. I said it over and over in my head, each time with more conviction. Each time with the thought that maybe if I tried really hard, maybe if I really believed it, it would come true.

But I didn’t really believe it. I was here. I was stuck here. I felt like I was floating, spinning, falling. It was like I had completely surrendered control and all I could do was hide myself. My head hurt and beads of sweat were pouring down it, seeping between my fingers, still tightly gripped around my head.

I tried to open my eyes. I was in my bed, I was in the Haar base. I knew it was true, I knew I was here but it wouldn’t make a difference. When I looked up, the room was warped, the ceiling closing in on me. It kept getting closer. It was going to hit me. It would hit me! I could see it barrelling toward me, falling and falling and falling but never reaching the mark. 

“Make it go away,” I hid my face again, “Make it go away, make it go away.” I whispered this over and over, a breathy whisper, trying to keep the world at bay. 

It wasn’t real. None of this was real. I knew it wasn’t real but Cade was. Cade would hate me and never want to see me again and as I tried to stand up I realized that was the worst of it. I didn’t care about anyone else, just her. If she hated me then I really did have nothing left to live for.

I tried to get up, to bring myself anywhere other than where I was but the world started spinning again, harder, more intensely and I fell back onto the ground, submitting myself to the cruel world, nothing left to do but give up.

It was over. Everything I had had these past months was over and I had to let it go. For the first time someone hadn’t been just a superior or an inferior but just a person to me and I had f*cked it up. My first real emotional connection and it would soon be over. 

I needed- I wasn’t sure what I needed but I needed to stand up, to stop shaking. It wasn’t real. I needed to bring myself back into the real world and stop writhing on the floor but I couldn’t bare to. 

I lifted my head up again but it wouldn’t stay. I was weakened right now, I had no will to move. This was worse than anything I had ever experienced, and yet I still just lay on the floor, tears streaming out of my face from some strong contortion of fear, guilt and sadness. 

I lifted my hand with whatever power I had left and slapped myself in the face, hard. I stayed stoic, in the same position letting the feeling of that hot stinging sensation sink in. I tried to focus on it, ground myself with pain as I had so many times but it was gone too far.

I bit the inside of my cheek now, hard. Focus on the pain. Not the world around you. Focus on the pain, the pain is real. The pain is there. The pain is tangible. Focus, focus, focus. Finally, I found myself shaking just marginally less. The focus on pain was getting through to my subconscious and I bit harder, pressing down with my teeth, tasting the salty blood as it spewed though my mouth. Focus, focus, focus. I bit, harder and harder, letting my mouth fill with blood as my shaking slowly subsided and the world stopped spinning just a bit. 

I was fine, I repeated, trying to convince myself without avail. I covered my mouth with my left hand and used the other to push me into a sitting position and then gripping the side of the bed and standing up. 

I tried to walk a bit but fell on the first step, only barely catching myself on the bed frame. It wasn’t a big deal, I said again, just me getting over emotional. Slowly, I made my way to the bathroom. My steps were small, slow and shaky but they were getting me there.

Nothing felt real. It was like I was seeing myself in third person as I reached the sink and spit a mouthful of red liquid in. 

I felt it as I sat down on the bathroom floor, trying to move slowly but falling and landing hard with a pain that was welcome. I felt it as I lay my head against the wall and let out a long, deep, pent up sob. I felt it as my hands fell to the cold stone floor and I began to slip down but I was not in control.

I had forfeited control and now just took a backseat in my life. I couldn’t handle any of it. My torso slipped onto the floor now. Something was poking into my side but I didn’t care. I wanted to give up. I wanted to give up on it all. It wasn’t worth it. 

I couldn't handle it, any of it. I didn’t want to see Cade, I couldn’t see her after all of this.

In a period I only briefly remember, Dana barged in and I was somehow coaxed into sleep by her warm hands but it didn’t matter, I was only haunted more in my dreams.

I sat on the horse, stiffly trying not to focus on the pain of my joints. I had spent the first two days on a horse from the Academy which Madame Pama had given me, and the next four in a cheap room on a boat crossing the ocean between the Northern Empire and the Haar empire. Last night and today I had been on a horse I rented, going from the border to the Haar Main Base where I could finally reach Dolion. Now finally, it was in my sights.

I pressed my knees tighter into the sides of the horse, urging it to go faster. I couldn’t believe I was nearly there, after all this waiting it felt surreal. 

“Dolion? Dolion if you can hear me I’m here. I’m coming to get you.” Over the past week I had gotten into the habit of updating Dolion about the status of my journey. It was all telepathic of course, and I had yet to get a response, but that didn’t mean anything, he just wasn’t in a position to speak to me. It was my hope he could hear it all, just to know I was coming and he wasn’t alone.

My journey had been challenging and with very little sleep involved, not to mention extremely lonely. Between speaking to an unresponsive Dolion, being generally anti-social and not being able to talk to Rain because of some strange thing he had going on, I felt abandoned. It was a feeling I had felt many times before but this was different. Somehow it had to be. I truly wanted to believe my life wasn’t just some endless cycle where I cared about people and then they moved on but I didn’t. I wouldn’t believe that anything was so one-sided, especially not Rain.

Oh Rain. I had asked him if he was free to talk a few times but I always got that awkward stuttered response that he was busy. Something was most definitely wrong but until he was willing to talk about it there was nothing I could do for him.

I came to the edge of the treeline and urged the horse to a stop just out of view of the Haar base guards. Working quickly, I used a rope to tie the horse to the tree. With luck, Dolion and I would be able to make it to the closest town on her. As long as Dolion was ok. 

For the first time it occurred to me that maybe Dolion wouldn’t have as easy a time leaving as I had imagined. He could be too weak to walk or pass out or a whole host of things that up until now I hadn’t been willing to consider.

No! I told myself. No he was fine. I would go in there, get him, and run like hell. I knew that was an oversimplification but it calmed me. Somewhere in me I was also aware that it was the most fortified base in the world but I didn’t want to think about that. It would be fine, we would be fine, I just had to trust myself.

A large gust of wind came from my right, pushing my cloak against my on one side and away from me on the other, tangling my legs and making me feel as if I were going to trip. I closed my eyes and stood still for a moment. Doing what I had so many times I tried to focus on blending into my background. 

I imagined the trees, the ground and light passing through me as I began to walk slowly. Near invisibility never worked wonderfully but it was good enough. 

There were four haar officers perched on very small turrets on the top of the wall. They stood stalk still, bows out, and if I had had any worse vision I may have mistaken them for birds.

With the distance between me and the four armed Haar bowmen, it was unlikely they would make me out but I still worried. I could jeopardize everything so early in the mission, I could throw it all away so easily.

Still, I walked slowly, carefully, focusing on each step one at a time trying to remain unseen for long as I possibly could. One foot in front of the other I kept repeating inside my head. I could feel beads of sweat forming from the mental strain of everything I had to fully focus on at once. I couldn’t divide my attention so I had to multiply it. I had to create more of my attention span so that I could focus 100% on each aspect.

Using the near invisibility manipulation to the greatest of my ability, I told myself that none of the Haar bowmen on the wall would be able to see me. There were very few because with an open area like this, anyone who came with 60 meters would be shot. If by some miracle they weren’t, they would never make it over the wall. 

But I wasn’t just anyone. I was a sorcerer. I could make myself blend into the background. I could use manipulations to make myself jump higher. To be faster, stronger, better than anyone else. 

And that was what I would have to do. 

I ran at the wall, taking a few large strides before pushing myself upwards as high as I could go and then using the manipulation to rise myself even higher, to push even further. I felt so close to crashing from exhaustion but I wouldn’t, I couldn’t.

Needless to say, I crashed into the wall like a bug into a window, furiously reaching for a handhold with no avail as I began to slip, skidding against it.

Dazed but smart enough to not be seen I slowly walked back to where I had stood before. I needed to try again. I would have to try and try over again until I made it. The guards all seemed to be in a vagitative-like state so hopefully, none of them would look in my direction.

Taking a step back for no real reason I did the same thing as before. I put one leg behind the other and bent down low as runners did. I touched the tips of my fingers to the ground at some internal signal I was off, running in three strong leaps then pushing myself upward. Using that motion I angled my hands in a dive-like position, my eyes screwed tightly shut, just focusing on reaching higher. I imagined myself rising in the air, not flying but just giving myself that one extra push that I needed to finally, fully clear the wall. 

Without warning I hit it. The wind was knocked out of me and my fingertips just barely reached over the edge of the wall. I squeezed my eyes open and immediately went back to using near invisibility. Rocking side to side slightly I tried to shimmy my hands up a bit and give myself a good grip on the wall. 

It took me a moment to notice but on my right one of the archers stood completely still, staring at exactly where I was. Nearly on instinct I froze, unwilling to move, simply focusing on staying invisible more than ever before. 

My hands throbbed as the sharp stone cut into them but I just bit my lip, telling myself I would deal with it. I could feel it as the warm red ooze began to drip down them but there was nothing I could do. After what felt like a while, the archer moved. She now surveyed the other side of herself and I could tell she was blinking a couple times, trying to fathom how someone had shown up and just disappeared almost instantly. Her mind was probably racing through the usual thoughts, telling herself she was going crazy and such. 

Since I was using near invisibility I needed to raise myself onto the wall without using sorcery; with nothing but my pure strength. I took a moment to glance at my twigs for arms. Wonderful. I put my feet on the wall and tried to jump myself up a bit, letting go with my right arm and thrusting it forward while digging into the wall with my toes. 

My right hand was now on the top of the wall all the way to my wrist. I mimicked my previous actions with my left but with my full hands up there still wasn’t much that I could do.

Inwardly sighing I glanced on both sides, knowing I would have to act fast when the guards weren’t looking in my direction.

Luckily, the opportunity came soon and I stopped using near invisibility for just a moment to focus on the increased strength manipulation I would use. In a moment I had pulled myself over the wall and was standing up with an inhuman ease.

I heard a yell from one of the archers who had just barely seen me but it was muted as I shot an arrow through them as well as the other four before a single one could fire an arrow on me. Between having the high ground, sorcery, and being second in my class to only Aurora who excelled in all weapons, this felt strangely… easy.

On the ground between the Wall and the Main Haar base there were ten armed swordsmen. Most of them held their ground but two on the edge of my sights seemed to be running towards the door.

Before I had time to process how exactly they were going to tell anyone inside I shot them both in the leg, affirming it with their cries as they went down. 

I shot seven more of them in rapid succession, only leaving one swordsman standing, the one closest to me. They all looked like clones in their identical black uniforms, slowly gaining a deep, dark red patch as they fell.

In a movement that I hoped would be scary, I stood up and calmly walked off the twenty foot wall stepping easily onto the air, dropping and using sorcery to make the landing not hurt. My knees wanted to give way upon impact, but they weren’t broken so I had clearly done something right. 

With the last swordsman about ten feet away from me I pointed my knocked bow directly at his chest, prepared to shoot. “Drop your weapon. Where do they keep the prisoners here?”

He dropped his weapon as I asked and lifted his hands up. “I can’t tell you that.”

I took a step closer to him. “Make no mistake,” I responded, with malice in my voice. “I will kill you.” 

“Then do it,” He said, falling to his knees not in defeat but in one last moment of strength. “Do it.” Naturally, I had not been prepared for this and had no intentions to kill him but I was taken aback by his response. 

I him in the eye, trying to gauge why he would do this, why he would ever work for an empire like the Haar. Seeing he would not give me the information I needed I angled my bow down a bit and let go, shooting him in the leg and rendering him useless. 

I supposed I would just have to find a way in without any directions. 

I pulled arrows out of the four people close to me, but an alarm might have been tripped and I couldn’t waste any more time gathering my only weapon.

I briskly walked to where the door was, forcing myself not to run. Standing in front of it, trying to clear my mind, I pictured the vast door that stood in front of me. I had never used sorcery to move anything metal that was nearly this large but I tried my best. 

I tried to steady my breath, counting to four each time I breathed in and again each time I released the air. I placed my hand forward, using its movement as a palpable link between me and the door. 

I slowly pulled my hand back, imagining the door was moving as well, really focusing on the image in my head, not letting anything get in it’s way. I vaguely realized I was forgetting to breathe but I pushed the thought away before I could lose my concentration. I had to get the door to open and it was only something I would be able to do with intense mental focus. My head hurt, a headache coming on faster than ever before but I just needed to open the door a little more, I just needed to make it inside.

Finally, once I was sure it had worked I let go mentally, falling onto my knees and clutching my head for a moment, breathing hard. 

The door was open and a light shone on two guards inside of the door. I tried to stand but fell back to my knees, resulting to shooting them both with weak arms at a pathetic but still effective speed. 

Once they were down, I fell onto my back, clasping my hands over my diaphragm and breathing in deep gasps. Opening the huge metal door had taken so much out of me I worried I wouldn’t be able to walk. 

I felt myself drift into a kind of sleep and tried to snap out of it. There was no way I would be able to fight like this and sleep just seemed so tempting right now but I couldn’t. Vaguely I remembered Mister Roberto and the Adrenaline Brew which Madame Pama had forced me to pack, thank god.

Weakly I opened my bag and took out the three vials, getting it on the first try. It was the one that smelled like oil and stoves and earthy in the bad way. I gagged a bit but ignored it, immediately tipping it up and swallowing it in seconds. “Dolion here I come.” 

I could feel it becoming effective immediately. I jumped up, confident and ready. I lifted my bow.

I walked through the dark entrance hall quickly but carefully and ready to strike. There would definitely be some people ready to ambush me but I just had to be quicker than them. 

As I walked it began to get darker but because of the convenient angle of the light was coming in at and because of my use of near invisibility I would be able to see my attackers before they saw me. 

Looking around it occurred to me how eerily silent the hall was. Somehow, I knew something was off but I pushed the thought aside. I wanted it to be easy. I wanted it to all just, work.

When I reached the door on the other side in one piece I was surprised but not entirely disappointed. This door was metal again but it was now smaller, closer to the size of a normal door. It had a strangely shaped handle which seemed to indicate that the door moved sideways, sliding into the wall rather than swinging one direction or another. 

Moving slowly and deliberately I placed two hands on the door handle, pulling it slowly and carefully to the right.

I flinched as light poured through the small crack stinging my eyes. I saw a large hallway. It wasn’t quite what one would consider busy but it couldn’t be called empty by any means. 

Everyone walked through it quickly, looking directly ahead of them with a clear purpose. It would be good for me because hopefully no one would be looking for me but in close quarters like this my presence would be obvious, even using near invisibility. 

I considered bluffing and pretending I belonged here, but that would most definitely not work. My best hope would be to get as far along the hallway as I could till I was spotted and then fight my way out. It was a terrible idea and not really a plan at all but amidst everything going on I failed to see the flaws. 

I looked out of the doorway quickly, waiting for a few more people to leave the hall before I could step out. I counted to ten then slowly edged out of the door, closing it behind me. So far no one had noticed and there seemed to be about six people in the hallway but they wouldn't be able to spot me from a distance, only when they were near me.

I was briefly faced with the problem of whether to turn right or left but soon decided to go right so I could stay against the wall on the correct side of the hallway without crossing it. 

This was dumb, I told myself. I wanted a map but that was improbable, it was doubtful maps of a place with a secretive interior as this even existed. I wanted to be able to communicate with Dolion. If he would just talk to me telepathically he could tell me where he was and how to get there. I was tempted to try and speak to him again but talking out loud would do me no good. 

I walked slowly, staying as close to the wall as I could. One of the people in the hall was about to pass me and I held my breath. If all went to hell now would be the time. 

I closed my eyes, willing myself to become more invisible, more one with the background than was even possible. I kept repeating it in my head, imagining it to be true, really willing it to be true. 

When the officer reached five feet away from me he put a subconscious hand to the hilt of his sword. Oh no, this would be a full on fight. I walked another step, pretending not to notice, ready to grab and strike with the knife at my waist. 

Nearly faster than I could react his sword was out, it was swinging my way and I only had time to quickly duck.

As he registered my quick reaction his sword swung far past where my head should have been and he began to lose balance. 

I took this opportunity to thrust my dagger from a low angle, piercing his abdomen which he stopped, clutching with his right hand as he began to bleed out. 

With his left he tried to side strike me but it was weak and I deflected it easily with my dagger. In an attempt to make him unable to follow me I stabbed his upper leg, causing him to fall to his knees with rasping breaths.

When I looked up there were three people running towards me from either side. At this point I had disengaged near invisibility and without thinking I began to sprint to the right. 

I tried to get out my bow and found myself slowing my pace. It was a mistake but I shot the three coming at me from my front well enough. 

When I reached a fork in the hallway I turned to the left on instinct and ran directly into two other people, all of us falling in a disorganized mass of bodies. Without thinking I took out my dagger again, my purpose to disarm and wound.

We all quickly stood up and one took a sword out while the other had two long knives. I didn’t have time to waste so I ducked between them, feeling something cut my left leg as I stabbed the back of the man with two knives.

I kicked him down, now turning to face the swordswoman. I felt a warm liquid running down my leg but didn’t need to look to know it was blood. 

I side stepped her jab and wasted no time in attacking her with a backhanded slash from my dagger, using all I had learned from Madame Greta’s class to make my stikes more effective with sorcery. It was just the small things, like using it to make the weapons faster or have more power or hit just the right place but it made a huge difference. 

With her down I continued to run, going slower with the new limp in my left leg. I needed to find Dolion and I needed to do so quickly.

As I rushed down the hallway I saw another archer. Their bow was strung and their arrow aimed at my chest. It was a blunt arrow which seemed strange and unusual but I didn’t take the time to think about it.

I knew I should have stopped but the world around me was getting blurry as I began to lose consciousness. I just needed to find Dolion, I told myself. Once I found him everything would be ok.

I slowly watched, running and accepting my fate as the archer let go of the string. I watched it as the arrow slowly moved through the air, coming straight for me.

As it hit me, directly reaching my forehead, I had one thought, I’m sorry Dolion. With that I blacked out, unable to remember the feeling of the impact or the sound as my head hit the ground in a spinning world before all was lost to me.

Slowly I walked over to Where Cade was lying on the ground, unquestionably unconscious. Dolion and Dana followed me as I gingerly got onto my knees to look at the vaguely red blotch forming where my blunt arrow had struck her. I watched her as she peacefully took deep breaths in and out. 

I didn’t move, trying to steady my breaths to hers. In and Out, In and Out. As she lay there I realized she still didn’t know who exactly I was. I tried to calm myself down but even a week of mental preparation couldn’t do much now. Internally consoling myself I decided that if I did this right, she could leave not knowing that I was ever a part of the Haar.

She wouldn’t leave though. That wasn’t how being a prisoner here worked. Most people died, and those who didn’t would remain for as long as it took them to go crazy or wilt like a flower, rid of all ambition or hope. That didn’t help my mood. The one person I had ever really loved was going to die or be taken prisoner forever. F*ck. My lip began to tremble a bit but I clamped my teeth over it, so hard it drew blood. No one knew that I knew Cade and right now it needed to stay that way.

“Is this her?” I asked Dolion as if I couldn’t quite tell, filling the long void of silence. I was asking him as if I didn’t recognize the face I saw everynight in my dreams. As if I could ever see those bright, multi-colored eyes of green and gold with some hints of blue and wonder who they belonged to. 

“Yes.” His voice was grave, but he seemed to hold no regret in betraying someone he had once called a friend, someone he had thought of as more than a friend.

“She’s one of their most powerful sorcerers?” Dana asked, “She looks so young.” 

“Believe me,” his voice had now turned bitter, “She is very powerful and she would only become a larger threat to us.” He spoke with conviction, sure of the words he had uttered. She was bad and a threat. I tried to repeat it to myself but something just wouldn’t take. I couldn’t bring myself to fully accept that was the truth.

I had to force myself to laugh a bit, trying to give some sign that I had heard what Dolion said without speaking. 

I felt my hands start to shake and I went back to biting my bottom lip and soon felt even more blood. “What are we going to do with her?” I asked quietly, speaking the obvious question. Being as powerful as she was, she could have been killed. She also could have been taken prisoner and questioned or used for bait to someone even more powerful. The ladder was more likely but in the end it was up to Dolion since he had been in charge of the mission.

“I want to know how she’s so powerful. We need to get it out of her.” Dolion stood up. “This could be the key to expanding the power and finally seizing control of the northern empire! Rain you carry her.”

I felt queasy, like I was swaying from side to side when I wasn’t. This wouldn’t go well. It couldn’t go well.

I sipped my arms under Cade’s knees and lower back. Closing my eyes I focused on lifting her and did it with ease. My limbs wanted to lose their solidity and all at once fall into a mess of nothingness but I couldn’t drop her, I owed her that much. 

It took everything in me not to act out, not to scream or to cry. I had to stand there, walking and holding her. I had to act uniform, like the perfect soldier that didn’t question orders. I had to act as if I supported the unspeakable when a reminder that I didn’t lay motionless in my arms. 

That was the worst of it all.

I walked silently from then on, not daring to breathe until it felt like my head would explode and I had to stop to take gasping breath as I nearly fell.

“Rain are you ok?”

I nodded and mumbled something incoherent, walking ahead again to get Dolion and Dana’s invasive eyes off of my secrets. The same secrets I had kept inside were now on the exterior and I tried to lower my head more as if that would make a difference, praying no one voiced the connection. 

When we reached the fourth floor cells Dolion said something about putting her in the one we stood in front of and went to have a conversation with a guard about extra watch until we know what she’s capable of. Wordlessly and mindlessly I complied, trying to set her in lightly though she wouldn’t know the difference. 

After I set her down I stayed crouched for a moment, eyes closed as I tried to cleanse my mind. 

“Rain?” I heard Dana’s voice behind me, too much question in it.

“Headache.” I managed, standing quickly. 

“Do you want to go? We’re going to interrogate her in the morning.”

I gave a curt nod as I felt my throat closing up. I didn’t want her to be interrogated. I didn’t want any of this to be happening right now but I had lost control.

I wanted to tell myself it would be ok but it wouldn’t. I knew it wouldn’t and lies which I had always so desperately trusted wouldn’t help me now. 

Like the lie that you’re a good person. Some voice inside me said as I walked. Usually I would argue with myself, say that I was a good person but I was pretending to be what I had to. I was only doing what I had to do to survive here.

But that too was a lie.

Maybe somewhere, sometime, I had been pretending to be this person, but if you act like someone else long enough, one day you’re going to wake up and realize that that proverbial difference kept in your head is a lie and you have become them. 

I wasn’t a good person and I wasn’t doing what I had to. This was me. I murdered and killed and did bad things without sense and there was a reason I had never let myself form connections with others. Oh god. 

I was a terrible  person, I felt bile rising in my through, how could I let Cade fall in love with a monster like myself. How could I have allowed this when it would only hurt her in the end?

---

The next day I walked down the hall to the interrogation room where I knew I would see Cade once more. After not sleeping all night I had gone to the kitchen staff and made them give me something for my nerves. It was a mix of herbs and strange poisons which I was told were illegal but I felt numb and beyond caring.

Internally I was an undefinable wreck but I had none of the external signs I usually did. I felt grounded and my head hadn't lost the ability to actually process things. This was worse than usual. This was so much worse.

Dana, Dolion and I entered the room in silence, followed by armed and ready guards at a respectful distance. Idly I wondered how the three of us had been tasked with this. Why me when it could have been any of the other supreme commanders?

The room was stone and barren. In the middle but slightly to the back there was a chair facing us. In front of it was a subsequent glass table. If the day had been different I might have pondered how glass was used so often around sorcerers because they couldn’t manipulate it but I didn’t.

The chair looked terribly uncomfortable, stone with armrests which had strange attached leather handcuffs at the end, forcing someone to stay seated. 

I took a deliberate deep breath on instinct but then realized I didn’t need to steady my breaths. They were slow, really slow, dangerously slow. Whatever the kitchen staff had given me worked. Idly, I wondered how bad it would really be if those breaths stopped altogether but I was distracted by Dolion, loudly speaking my name.

“Rain!” Dolion was talking to me now, waving a hand in front of my face, clearly too relaxed around someone of my status.

“Yes Dolion?” I asked in an icy tone.

“I’m going to be leading the investigation. Follow my lead alright?”

I glared at him.

“If you wouldn’t mind.”

I nodded and neither of us said more.

I tried to think about something else, something light and easy as Cade was no doubt being walked to the very room where I stood. Of course, I couldn’t think of anything but that. Please. I spoke inside my head Please don’t let her make it to this room. Let her escape, something, anything. I had never believed in any divine being or essence other than what we knew to exist but I was desperate. I needed Cade to not make it to the room. I needed her to not see me. I needed her to-

I whipped around at the sound of footsteps. I faced the wall rather than the Chair and I stood on the side so with any luck attention would not be on me. 

But I saw her. She was blindfolded. Maybe so she wouldn’t be able to find her way around the base but I wasn’t sure. She had a large cut going down the left side of her face that I hadn’t seen before. It stretched from her forehead to her chin in a thick, painful line. Yesterday she had been all skin and blood but now I could see her wounds. Her cloak and sweater had been taken from her so now she wore dark Jeans and Combat boots. She wore a long sleeved grey shirt which was tight fitted and highlighted every part of her.

Her arms were crossed and her hands inside her sleeves. Her scar was what I noticed most but in that single moment I could tell. Her expression had been sour and disapproving. She wanted to seem strong. No, she was strong. With all of this she still wouldn’t back down. She thought we were evil and vile and she wasn’t willing to submit or pretend anything else. Her strength in that one, real life glimpse of her had been beautiful.

No. I couldn’t say that. I shouldn’t think about her like that. She wasn’t my girlfriend anymore, she was an enemy. She needed to be treated like an enemy.

It was painful not to look in her direction so I took salvation in every sound I could hear, anything that could clue me into what was happening.

I heard the slight rustle of clothing as she was sat down, still blindfolded. I heard the sleek sound that the cuffs made as they were pulled no doubt too tight and the slight clink of metal on metal as the bluckles were tightened. 

I heard the slip of fabric on skin as Cade’s blindfold was removed and her sharp intake of breath as she saw him. 

“Dolion.” Her voice was deep and gravel-like. It was loud, really loud. It didn’t have the tone of weakness I would have expected from a prisoner but it was strong, stronger than maybe ever before. SHe was deathly quiet for a moment without speaking but when she did it came out in a loud, clear, string of words which she yelled. “Dolion you lying blood-sucking son of a B*tch you betrayed us!” Her voice rang with some sort of power or authority or maybe just pure confidence. “You betrayed us all! Don’t f*cking deny it you were my friend Dolion what is wrong with you!”

“Cade,” He spoke in a strained but normal tone. Was it possible that he didn’t want to be doing this either?

She was angry, really angry. She had reached a level of pure rage I hadn't thought possible and I could feel myself flinch with each word she spoke. 

“Go die in a f*cking hole Dolion! How could you do this to us? You had a family at the academy! You had a real one with people who cared about you, you goddamn idiot why would you do this?” She was breathing heavily, her voice raspy. Her words strung together so quickly they were hard to make out but I did. 

“Cade,” His voice was more strained than before, he was about to crack. I hated him in that moment. I truly hated him for everything he was doing to her, everything he was ruining for me. 

“What compelled you to turn against us? What did we ever do to make you feel this way?” I recognized Cade’s voice and realized it was near cracking as well and I was probably the only one in the world who would have been able to tell. 

Dolion just stood still, shaking from barely restrained anger.

“You said you loved me Dolion! You said you loved me and guess what? I will never love you. You are nothing to me. I never cared about you and if I did it was a mistake!” She spat, “You traitor, you might as well be dead Dolion! Do you hear me? You’re f*cking DEAD TO ME!”

“SHUTUP!” He finally screamed, slamming his fist down on the table, effectively quieting everything around us as the deafening echoes rested in the air for a moment. 

Cade was breathing heavily now. Somehow, I knew a smile was creeping across her face, happy she had gotten to him. When she next spoke she was quiet. “I wonder Dolion, how did you get to be so f*cked up like this.” She was scary quiet, the type that would send shivers down anyone’s spine. “Is it this place? Or were you just alway like this?”

He didn’t speak.

“Did your parents f*ck you up or was this all you?” She exaggerated the L in all, letting it lavishly roll off her tongue. “Maybe it has something to do with her?” At that moment Cade was probably tilting her head towards Dana. 

“Shut the hell up you b*tch!” Dolion yelled, letting his emotion fully cloud his logic. In the corner of my vision I could see him take a step back, shaking from anger. 

I tried to stand in a powerful stance, my feet a good distance apart, and my arms crossed. I wanted to seem like I thought I was too good for this and not like something Cade needed to investigate. 

“Enough.” Dana stepped in after a moment of silence. “Cade tell us how you came to be so powerful and we’ll let you go.” Despite everyone in the room knowing that was not the case, that probably worked on some people. It wouldn’t on Cade.

Cade looked at Dolion, completely ignoring Dana’s remarks. “So these are the type of people you run with now, how intriguing. At least they aren’t idiots like yourself.”

“Cade.” His breath was ragged and I could just barely see as he lifted a finger. “I’m warning you.” 

She laughed a bit, starting to understand how to antagonize him. “You’ll what? Tell me. You’ll use this evil organization to capture me?” She let out another bitter laugh. “I think you already did. Will you kill me? Yes,” She answered her own question, “You will no matter what. I think everyone here knows that.” She gestured to the room with just her fingers because her hands were still cuffed down. 

“Cade, tell us how you managed to get so powerful!” Dolion was angry. Very angry. “Was it a drug? Did one of the teachers tell you the trick? TELL ME!” his voice rung out so loudly everyone in the room seemed to cringe.

Cade waited a moment to speak. “Dolion,” She whispered, “Go. Kill. Yourself.” 

“Goddamnit Cade, F*CK YOU!” He took a step forward and without registering I turned around. With breathtaking speed he threw a punch across the table which was met with a yelp from Cade as the front legs of the chair were briefly lifted off the ground. He had used sorcery to enhance his punch, as if hitting a tied up girl wasn’t enough for him.

Without thinking I was moving towards him, using magic as well in a way that I had heard Cade explain but never successfully attempted myself, not even letting him stand back up after punching Cade. I knew it was bad, it would expose me, but at that moment I wanted nothing more than to make Dolion pay. That monster needed to get what he deserved and I would give it to him if it was the last thing I would do.

“You asshole-” In a fit of motion he barely had stepped away from Cade and I punched him, hard, putting everything I had into it. He was lifted off his feet and thrown to the other side of the room. 

I looked to Dana, panting. She had her hand at her sword. “I- I’m sorry.” I stuttered, “I just need some air.” I didn’t. And I didn’t feel guilty either. I felt strong and fulfilled. Dolion deserved that for even touching Cade. He was horrid and appalling and he deserved nothing.

I rushed to the door but right as my fingers brushed the handle Cade’s voice rang out and I froze. 

“Rain Oreka Than do not leave this f*cking room.”

My voice was loud and commanding but I knew Rain could tell, he had truly surprised me. After I spoke he froze. He was at the door and he had just stopped in his tracks when he heard me. 

I had seen that mop of messy black hair, that smug stance when he was actually breaking down inside, his miniscule flinches everytime I spoke as if he was trying to imagine the situation was not as it was; I had seen something eerily familiar in the man standing in the corner but it had taken me up till now to realize exactly what that something was.

I tried to make sense of all this but for once in my life my mind wasn’t racing but moving dreadfully slow. Rain was here. At the Haar main base. He wasn’t wearing that same uniform as the guards. No, he wore the one that that girl did. Either Dolion was in charge of the two of them or they were in charge of him.

I looked at Dolion. He was on the ground. Within a moment of punching me he had been thrown across the room by Rain. He had been thrown feet in the air, the way only a sorcerer could. And now Rain just stood there, afraid to move after hearing my voice. Rain was definitely in charge. 

I had loved him like no one else. How- how could he do this to me? I had opened up to him, we had become so close. How could it all be some lie? Some elaborate ruse? It didn’t seem possible. 

“Why?” I whispered. With a level of voice quieter than ever before, so quiet he would have to strain to hear.

He stood still, facing away from me. I could see he was breathing heavily and knowing him his eyes would be screwed shut. Unless of course that had been a lie. His personality, his jokes, his stories, maybe that had all been some scripted lie too. Why for me though?

I wasn’t sad anymore. I was angry. Really, truly angry. A hot feeling went through me stronger than anything before, this was his fault. “TURN AROUND AND ANSWER ME RAIN!” I screamed, quieting as it echoed around the room and slowly disappeared. I had no control, no cool calculated way to make him angry as I had with Dolion.

He turned around slowly, his face contorted with different emotions and his eyes as I suspected, tightly shut. “I-” he faltered, tripping over the word. “I’m sorry Cade.” His voice was pleading with me as he opened his eyes. They were deep and sad, hoping, no- begging for my understanding.

At his apology, Dolion began to get up from where he lay. “Rain?”

“Shut the f*ck up Dolion!” His voice was sharp as a whip. It commanded a tone of authority I had never before heard him use and somehow, inexplicably, I was scared. 

Dolion seemed to jump back, his eyes wide. It seemed that Dolion had never heard him use this tone either. Dolion averted his eyes to the ground and I could tell, he would not talk to me again. 

Dolion was weak. He was weak and it was pathetic that he couldn’t even stand up to Rain. Rain was worse though. I looked at him, my eyes staring deep into his, trying to find all his secrets. “I hate you,” I breathed. It was real, true, and terrible. It made me want to cry but between everything Rain had done, I couldn’t. I could only be entitled to my feelings. 

“I-” This time he stopped, sighed, and said no more.

“Rain how are you so messed up that you can work for an organization like this.”

Again, he didn’t speak.

“You hide it well.” I should have stopped talking but now a string of words was flowing out. “You don’t work for them do you though Rain?” I felt a tear running down my face. “You seem to be one of them, and a high ranking one too.”

At this the girl stepped in. “He and myself are of the second highest rank existing, you have no right to talk to him that way but this conversation isn’t about him, it's about you, prisoner.” The way she said the word prisoner was so derogatory, like a blow to the gut.

Rain's eyes widened and he stepped in between us. “Dana.” He said, his voice rising. 

Of course he was some terrible evil leader here. That was the kind of luck I had. I looked at him, staring long and hard. Oh Rain. Just an hour ago I had thought of him as my boyfriend. Kind, soft and lonely. But that was a lie. It was all a lie. It was all a lie. “It was all a lie.”

His face was just pain now, any mask of it lost. He opened his mouth to say something but then he looked around the room and closed it, remaining silent. His silence spoke volumes, he didn’t hate me, he wasn’t sure, he was conflicted.

But I didn’t care. Him having the ability to stand there, among these people it proved everything I never would have thought about him. “You, are a monster.” 

I saw him swallow and his face became more pale than it already had been but he didn’t speak again.

There was nothing more to say. He was who he was and I was who I was, there was nothing either of us could do about it. I would never be able to forgive him and he would never deserve it.

Just as he turned and left, slamming the door, I saw a tear fall down his face, so small that I knew no one but me would have seen. But I did. 

I wanted to forgive him but I didn’t know how. He had been everything to me but now... if I died it would be his fault. If he was willing to let me die, let anyone innocent die, then the person I knew had never actually existed.

I watched as everyone looked around uncertainty. Dolion took another step towards me, confident now that Rain was gone. 

“Cade,” He said, his voice now filled with held back rage. “I will ask you once more, how did you become so powerful?”

I closed my eyes and tried to take a calming breath. “I’m done answering your questions Dolion.”

He began to say something but I tuned him out, ignoring his words and letting them fall into a massless jumble in my head. He had no power over me.

I could tell he was still speaking but I tuned it out and tried to clear my head, picturing it as a blank canvas. Next I thought of the handcuffs. Since they were just metal buckles, I easily knew what to do to break myself free. I pictured the right one, it was shaking a bit and slowly, very slowly the point was being removed from the hole. I focused harder, ignoring where I was and everything that was happening, trying to use sorcery to make the buckle undo itself. 

It wasn’t working and internally I began to panic a bit. It had to work, it had to work. I tried to calm myself more. I told myself to go slow and just focus. Slowly, in my mind's eye, the point of the cuff lifted just a bit, and then a bit more, and a bit more. One painstaking moment at a time it lifted up till I felt it’s small tap on my wrist and knew it was free. 

Without warning the side of my head was met with an ear-splitting pain that could only be the but of a knife. 

After that the room was silent and I opened my left eye alone. Dolion stood in front of me, both hands pressed on the table. Looking at him more closely I noticed he was unarmed. Perfect.

In the corner of my vision I could tell the guard who had just hit me still had his weapon out. I wasn’t sure why he had hit me, probably because I wasn’t answering the questions I didn’t hear but it was unimportant. 

In one sweeping motion I grabbed my left cuff and yanked it undone, ducking behind the chair and then coming up. I punched the man in the face and grabbed his knife, ready to fight with everything I had for my freedom. 

In moments five guards were on me. I slashed three of them, hearing gasps of pain but turned to see more coming in. I was surrounded on every angle but I fought furiously hacking away with the knife at everyone I saw.

I felt my left arm grabbed and turned, slashing more furiously at the blob of people as I was slowly pulled under the mass. 

When something hit the back of my knees I fought it, trying to stay standing but with more pressure I was pushed onto them and my head hit the ground, echoing with a hollow bang. 

Finally able to get out of the murderous crowd I ran to Dolion, still holding my knife and I put it on his throat. “Don’t come a step closer!” I yelled to the others in the room. 

I pressed harder on his throat, making a trickle of blood fall down. I knew he was bad, he was a horrible person, but everything inside me told me to not do this to anyone I had even once considered a friend. 

“Drop your weapons!” I yelled once more. Turning Dolion around in a semi-circle as if everyone in the room couldn’t already tell what was happening.

“Do it,” Dolion spoke to the guards through clenched teeth. His tone was reluctant but we both knew he had no choice.

I saw as they slowly took out various swords and knives and placed them on the ground. I wanted to be thankful but it was too easy, something felt wrong. 

I pressed into his throat harder and blood started to spill faster. “Dolion,” I said, mimicking that testing, angry tone he had used with me earlier.

“Cade.” He said in a ragged breath, sweat pouring down his forehead. Oh Cade. Now he had spoken to me telepathically. This wasn’t the man in front of me, this was the kind friendly Dolion who I had taken telepathy classes. I was momentarily brought back to all those times we ate together, we talked, we laughed. I remembered the dance where at least until he kissed me, it had been nice to not be alone. 

In that singular moment of his words I paused. Just barely but somehow I let him get through to me. I let him shock me.

He took advantage of that and before I knew what was happening the knife was in his hand and I was being flipped over him, landing on my back and watching the world spin as he stood over me. 

Before I could get up he had a knee pressed down on my chest, using sorcery to make it hurt so much it felt like a stab wound from a blunt knife.

He leaned over me, still held on the ground by his knee. His breathing was ragged and mine was becoming more and more restricted. 

I felt a warm dot of liquid land on my face and quickly knew. It was the blood from his neck. Right where I had cut it, his blood was now on me and I felt repulsed.

“Cade, you think you’re so smart, you think you can beat me? You never will,” he spat. He lowered his voice, “I have already won and you don’t even know what game we’re playing.” 

I gasped, quickly losing oxygen as he cut off my airways and I realized how right he was. I could never win. He was so beyond me, these people were too much and I was lost in their world. I wanted to go home. I wanted to go back to the academy, anywhere, I just wanted to get away.

Another dot of his blood dripped onto my face. I couldn’t get away. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill him so badly that I would have if I could.

I conjured a flame but it was too late, he brought his knuckles to my forehead and that was all it took for me to once again fall into a dreamless sleep.

I lay in bed, staring at the nearly pitch black ceiling. I watched the small candle I had lit as the flame flickered too fast for my eyes to really catch up with it, but not slow enough to let my thoughts wander.

The charade was I was not willing to think. If I began to think I would think of Cade and how she was rotting away in a cell in the same building as I and how I was doing nothing but resting on my lavish, comfortable bed. I would then no doubt go through various stages of guilt for having thoughts that betrayed Cade, then the Haar, then Cade again. So no, I could not let my thoughts wander. But now I had. 

Once one thought popped into my head they all did, moving fast, faster than the candle beside me, faster than the room closing in around me. 

I didn’t want Cade there. But I couldn’t do anything about it, I wouldn’t. If I tried to break her out the Haar would catch us, catch her. We wouldn’t make it out of the building and even if we didn’t get caught it would be obvious I had helped her. I would be shunned, killed.

I would also have proved myself disloyal to the Haar. But that wasn’t true. I wasn’t disloyal to the Haar. I would protect the Haar with everything I had, the Haar empire was the future, I wanted to be at its side as it rose.

For a moment I thought of a world like before. Where I could be with Cade and be here and she wouldn’t know and we would just be happy. I vanquished it as soon as it came. The past months had been amazing but it was built on lies and deceit as to who the two of us were. What we had had together had been great at the time but it wasn’t a basis for a real relationship.

Furthermore, things had changed. She was here now. I knew she was a sorcerer, she knew I was a Supreme Commander. She no doubt lay on the hard straw mattress of a cell next to those creepy prisoners who she would be forced to spend the rest of her life looking at and I- I stopped my thought in its tracks.

It wasn’t fair. I knew it wasn’t fair and I needed to do something about it. I reminded myself that life wasn’t fair but it was too late. I sat bolt-upright as I felt my heartbeat quicken. Yes. I could save Cade. I could save the one person I loved and run off never to be heard from by anyone ever again. 

She could be happy, she could live a full life. I thought of her dazzling eyes and her bright personality. To take that out of the world would be an unforgivable act, especially when I could do something to stop it. 

I jumped out of bed and rummaged through the bottom of my drawer grabbing a pair of black pants and putting them on. Hopping to get my right foot through the hole I tripped and fell sideways, loudly banging into the wall. This time I stood back up unphased, my mind was set.

I opened my shirt drawer and grabbed the first thing I saw, a black long sleeve shirt. On top of it I added a black hooded jacket. If anyone asked I could have claimed I was sleeping and pulled on the jacket to patrol the hallway. 

It wouldn’t come to that though, I was sure I could do this right. 

I left my room and walked along the dimly lit hallways with purpose. My heart was beating faster than possibly ever before and I felt dizziness setting in but this newfound resolve was stronger than anything I had ever experienced. I could help Cade. I knew it. I didn’t care what it cost me, she was most important thing to me and I now knew I had been stupid for not seeing that earlier. 

I had been in so much pain when she was talking to me that I had nearly forgotten that for all the pain I was feeling, she felt it too, possibly even worse. I had betrayed her, I had worked against her. 

I knew I was with the right side, the one that deserved to win, but that wouldn’t change what she thought. In her eyes, it would still be betrayal. 

It seemed that the only way to not betray her would be to betray the Haar. Not a lot, but just a little bit. A little bit would be all I needed to save her.

I stopped at a small metal door. It was near the entrance and would provide the long shelves of bounty taken off prisoners or others that had been deemed “unnecessary.” With luck I would be able to get Cade her cloak as a sign of goodwill. 

I took out my key ring and tried a few different ones, opening the door on my third try. It was a small musty room that was about five meters across. On the other side the room curved inwards. On the other side of that would be where the entrance tunnel was.

Fortunately for me, items got processed once a week so all of Cade’s stuff was in a box. I pulled out her bow and quiver first, testing by pulling the string back once. It was high quality with a large draw weight. I slung it over my shoulder and did the same with her strange bag and silver cloak which I didn’t quite understand the purpose of.

That was when I was reminded that if I ended up needing to fight to get her out, it would be smart to be armed with something other than just my knife.

I walked though a couple of the shelves, marveling at the various oddities while trying to remain hurried. There were all sorts of books and clothes and trinkets with what uses I could never imagine. 

After a while, I spotted a nice recurve bow. It was made of shiny metal and seemed to be handcrafted by a professional. I picked it up and found that it was extremely light and strong. I pulled it back and found that the draw weight for this too was small but if I focused it would be efficient enough. I tested once, letting go of the string with an arrow from the quiver I had selected and it soared perfectly, this would do. This would do just fine.

I now held two quivers and two bows, not to mention I was walking around late at night, but few others were and I had authority to kill anyone who questioned my actions. 

I left the room, locking the door behind me, and I had to try not to run as I made my way to the fourth floor prision area. I had never done something like this before, I had never had a reason to break rules. It was enthralling.

As I turned and saw the guards around the cells I slowed even more, trying to seem casual. 

I tried to walk right past them but was stopped by a strong arm and a growl. “Where do you think you’re going.”

“Rain Than. I’m supreme commander.” I said, looking the man straight in the eye. “I’m taking one of the prisoners.”

“Where are you taking them?”

“Not your problem.” The man was nearly a foot taller than me but I looked him directly in the eye, hard and unflinching. “If you have any other questions don’t expect to keep your job.”

He paused for a moment then stepped aside. He didn’t seem to be the sharpest and I knew he recognized me. I had the keys to this area as well so everything would seem to point towards legitimacy.

Grudgingly, he moved his hand and I briskly walked through. 

I walked down the line of cells, watching each one carefully because I had forgotten to check which cell belonged to her. Silently I cursed myself. Of all the mistakes I could make, this one was particularly unhelpful.

Each cell was small. The side and back walls were concrete and the front were bars. Each one had a small cot with a single black sheet and a thin, hard mattress. 

As I walked I heard a couple occasional shouts from prisoners, likely inaudible words aimed at myself. 

The Haar base consisted of five floors and on each one, this area was a prison, The most dangerous prisoners were on level five, the next on level four and so on till we got to the pointless, expendable prisoners on level one.

I made a mental note of increasing security on level four but then realized that I would probably never get a chance to tell anyone. 

I kept walking. I was thankfully in companionable silence with my consciousness. Everything should have been spinning but it wasn’t. My knees hadn't given way and the only sign of my fear was my beating heart.

Maybe, I began to think, Maybe I was scared. Maybe I had every right to be scared. But Maybe I wasn’t that scared. Maybe I could handle this because for once in my life I knew without a doubt, I was doing the right thing.

Cade saw me before I saw her. When I did she was sitting up straight, legs crossed on her bed and her eyes trained on me. 

As ours met I saw an unspoken flash of anger and immediately it was clear that she recognized me, even in this relative dark.

“Get out.” She said it simply, not feeling the need to raise her voice.

The two words made me want to break down but I didn’t. She didn’t know why I was here. I wasn’t here for some heart to heart or anything to try and convince her that I wasn’t evil. I was evil, saying anything else would have been a lie. I knew I was evil and I knew that right now I could kill anyone on my side or the other without any conscience. I was evil but when I was being evil for Cade it was worth it. It would always be worth it.

“In a moment.” I feared my tone was colder than expected but I felt terrible and having to face her after all that had just happened felt impossible.

I tested a key in the door, trying to jiggle it open but it didn’t work. I tried another. 

“What are you doing?” She unfolded her legs and put them on the ground. Her tone was still rage-filled and angry but we didn’t have time for that right now.

“Listen, I’m sorry. I really loved you and what we had wasn't fake. It was real. Very real. It was more real than anything I’ve ever felt and I don’t know how I would be able to live with myself if I didn’t at least get you out.”

She said nothing.

I stopped trying keys to put two hands on the bars and lean in closer. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. I tilted my head to the side as the next words came out but I knew they were true. “I love you.” This whisper was even quieter than before but I knew she had heard it. 

Without warning a single tear dropped from my eye. I ignored it as it rolled down my face, falling and silently landing on the floor.

She looked at me for a long time, her eyes strained and her mouth set into a firm line. “I believe you,” she whispered. 

I breathed out a long overdue sigh of relief and straightened, trying the next key that looked right. 

“I got all your stuff,” I said as I jiggled the key around to find it too didn’t work. I tried another and the door finally opened. 

When it did Cade stepped out and she hugged me, hard.

“Cade stop.” I didn’t know how to react so I just stood there. “You shouldn’t forgive me, I’m a bad person. I’ve done bad things and I-” I slowly pushed her away. “I hurt you and this is all my fault and-”

“Rain. I know you. I know what you’re like and I can form my own opinions about who you are.”

“You shouldn’t.” I noticed the guard who I had first spoken to looking at us. “We should go.” I practically shoved her cloak bow quiver and bag at her. As she put her stuff on I tapped each of my fingers against my thumb, one at a time as a welcome distraction. 

“We’re going to finish this conversation later, Rain,” she said, her cloak and bag now on.

She slung her quiver over her shoulder and I whispered “Follow me.” 

I walked back the way I came, passing the gruff guards and giving them a nod. The larger one only had time to nod back before I had pushed him against the wall where he stood and firmly forced my blade into his abdomen.

I heard Cade say the words “Scream and you’re dead,” to the other gaurd but for a brief moment, I allowed her to slip my mind. 

The only in front of me, who I had yet to pull the knife out of, was pouring blood. It dripped down my hands like a stream and I gave him a smile as he looked at me one last time.

His eyes faded and I realized that my hands up to my elbows were covered in blood. I took a deep breath in, inhaling the fresh salty smell of the thick red liquid. 

I pulled the knife out and turned to Cade. I couldn’t get lost in the blood. No matter how wonderful it was I couldn’t get lost in the murder, not now. 

The other guard was on the ground unconscious and she looked at me, eyes wide. I wanted to say something to Cade, something about how that’s just what I was taught or about how I felt guilty over what I had just done or even about how I hadn’t wanted to kill him. But I was through lying to her and she was through believing my lies.

Before I could process her movement she was walking down the hallway. She knew me well, too well. Something about me could tell that she knew I had wanted that. Maybe she could always see that side of me but because I chose to hide it, she chose to pretend alongside. 

I rushed down the hallway and came up on her side. “We need to go all the way straight so we can take the frontmost stairs on the southside of the base.”

“Rain.” She was walking almost faster than I could keep up. Her voice was such a forign neutral that I didn’t know what to say in response so I said nothing. “I love you. The things around you don't define you as a person you do. I know who you are and that’s the person I love, I refuse to listen to anything else you have to say.”

No no no. It was supposed to be the other way around. The betrayed person was supposed to hate the betrayer and the betrayer was supposed to tell them otherwise. Not like it was now where I was telling Cade to hate me and she was refusing. This was wrong. This was all wrong but I wouldn’t argue now, not until the danger had passed. 

I had put my bloody knife back in my pockets but my hands continued to drip with every step, as if leaving a breadcrumb trail for Haar officers to follow. 

Both our bows were at the ready and walked in silence. It wasn’t an angry silence but rather our usual silence; the type where even though we weren’t speaking to each other, it was comfortable as a conversation. 

When we turned a corner we reached two officers but in near unison we had shot them both through the neck. I thought over that quickly in my mind. Had Cade just killed someone in front of my eyes as if it were nothing? 

We couldn’t have them yelling so their neck was the only logical place to shoot but Cade wouldn’t. I looked at her again. The long cut going from her eyebrow to her lower cheek was just beginning to heal. She had just been kept captive for over a day but there was no doubt she had been tortured, especially by Dolion after I left the room. I remembered her encounter with Fena the previous week and everything she had said. Maybe this was something that had been building in her for a while. Something I couldn’t help but fear I had furthered. 

Cade was strong, I had always known that, but in her strength was this the place she had reached? But she was nothing like me. She had a kind, true heart but she reserved it only for those deserving. She was strong enough to understand that sometimes the truth that sometimes murder was nessasry. 

She wasn’t weak like me though. She didn’t have some inexplicable need to kill. She had just the right amount of self restraint to do it when it was necessary. I loved even more. Oh god I loved her. 

I was straining right there not to break down as we stepped into the circular staircase. I loved her more than words could ever explain. I loved her enough to want her to be with someone else. Someone perfect and magnanimous who could truly love her and who she wouldn’t have to see be a horrible person because they weren’t one. I was the villain in her story. I was the one stopping her from finding the love she deserved. 

I needed to stop loving her, to let her go but it was so hard when she was everything to me and without her I was broken and inhuman. Without her I would die but thankfully, that was going to happen anyway. 

At the bottom of the steps we both made a run for the entrance tunnel. We shot the two people in it, our movements once more synchronized. We ran across the tunnel and our feet hit at the same time. Tip, tap. Tip, tap. 

We ran out of the tunnel and shot the guards on either side. It all felt so… surreal. We worked as a perfect unit, every movement we made was the same. It was as if we were only one person but it felt so natural that I almost didn’t notice. 

Dark red dots smudged on both of our faces, we ran towards the pitch balck forest. We ran faster than people but that was because the two of us, we weren’t people. 

In the forest she quickly took a glowing orb out of her bag and we rushed to a horse. 

We both mounted quickly, her in front and I holding her tightly. The horse began to run, galloping through the dark of night and slowly, I fell asleep on the shoulder of the woman I loved.

The sun was just beginning to rise as Rain awoke with a start. He had managed to fall asleep while riding a horse and leaning against me but when we reached an inn I had walked him inside so that we could get an hours sleep. The bed was soft and luscious but it didn’t make a difference, in this hour I hadn't slept. 

I had had all night to go over everything, running through every moment over and over in my head. How Dolion had betrayed us, how he had been working with the Haar this whole time and wanted to wipe out sorcerers. When he told me he was in love with me, had that been real? I thought of all he had said to me yesterday. Even worse he had punched me. I had been sitting, tied to a chair and he had punched me who was unable to defend myself.

No. None of that could have been real, everything the two of us had had to be fake.

And then- Oh god. After that Rain had stopped him. Rain had betrayed me too. Dolion could betray me but Rain was far worse and the pain would always be more intense. I had loved him. I had really loved him. I had cared about him more than anyone ever before. Rain had told me that he was lost, that he found himself in me. It wasn’t true. I was the one who found myself in him. 

In his smiles, his touch, his gentle kindness. In such a short time he had become everything to me. 

Rain had been ok with it when he found out that I was a sorcerer. No, that was different though. I wasn’t a mass murderer, I was one of the good guys, he couldn’t possibly be mad that I had withheld that information. I had just murdered some people from the Haar a few hours ago but that was the first time anything like that had happened but I didn’t rather mind because they were the bad people. They worked for the Haar and would have hurt me and Rain if I hadn't so that was different.

But Rain, he had lied to me. He had lied to me and then he had helped Doilion to capture me. It didn’t seem like he had known what was happening till that final telepathy where he told me he couldn’t talk for a while. But he knew. He knew I was going to my death and he didn’t even warn me, he just idly sat by. 

He was also the only reason I wasn’t dead, I tried to remind myself. He did something bad but he had fixed it by saving me. Yes, he had saved me and renounced the Haar so in the end he had done the right thing. But when we left, he had killed nearly ten people. But they were bad people right? I was so confused and the more I tried to make sense of it the less it made.

Even more than all that I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to forgive him so badly. I wanted to forgive him more than anything else right now. And I did. I forgave and I loved him. That didn’t make the sting of betrayal hurt any less but I knew that much so that was a start. 

Immediately after opening his eyes I heard an exclamation of surprise. He looked around with furrowed brows and he began to speak in incoherent sentences. “What? No… oh god.” I could tell the memories of last night were coming back to him. He quickly jumped out of the bed and stood in the middle of the room.

I opened my eyes and looked at him. “Rain?” I asked.

He groaned and put two hands in his hair. “I’m sorry Cade. I’m so, so, sorry.”

He looked at me and we met eyes. His were wide and held some strange mixture of sadness, guilt and pain. My teeth were pressed together and my brow knit. I trusted him. I trusted who he was and I trusted his actions. “I- I forgive you Rain.”

He stood still, just staring at me for a moment. “No.” He said.

“What?” What was ‘no’ supposed to mean? He couldn’t just say ‘no.’ That didn’t make any sense.

“I love you,” he said simply. His eyes were wide. “But you shouldn’t forgive me.”

I felt myself begin to cry. Hot tears were running down my face and I wasn’t sure how to react to all this. “What does that mean I shouldn’t forgive you? You did the right thing and I do forgive you. Rain I love you too and I want to keep loving you, don't leave me.”

He looked down at the ground and I let my tears fall, not trying to brush them away anymore. “Cade I’m a bad person. I support the Haar, I’m a murderer without remorse, I lied to you! You deserve to be with someone better. You shouldn’t love me.”

I began to yell at that. I had chosen to forgive him! That should have been all it took. “But I do! I do love you so stop telling what to feel!” I fell to my knees. “F*ck Dolion, F*ck the academy, I don’t care about any of it, I just want you!”

He came over slowly and sat in front of me. He leaned in and embraced me, tightly. My head was in his chest and I could feel his hot ragged breaths against the back of my neck. I could hear his heart as it beat, so close to my ear. “Cade you are the most wonderful person out there. You’re too good for this world and you’re definitely too good for me. You’re one of the most powerful sorcerers out there and I know you will do great things.” He paused, “I just won’t be there to see them and that’s better for you.”

“No it’s not. You’re just as powerful as me.”

“No, I- Forget about me Cade. I’m worth nothing and I deserve to die for everything I’ve done, everyone I’ve betrayed in the past week.” He couldn’t be serious. I loved him. For some inexplicable reason I loved him and I wanted him. I chose him! How could he believe such things? I didn’t want him to die. I didn’t care if it was selfish, it was true. I wouldn’t let him die.

I looked up now, wiping my face. “What does that even mean?”

“I- I need to go back.”

“What?” He needed to go back? I knew he meant going back to the Haar, to their base, but it didn’t make sense. No one in their right mind would ever want to go back there. I had thought that when he saved me he had renounced the Haar, but maybe I was wrong.

“I’m sorry.” He said, shifting uncomfortably.

“No, Rain you can’t do that!” I sat up and grabbed both of his hands in mine, “They’ll kill you.”

Finally he met my eyes, his gaze strong and filled with a firm, fiery resolve. “I know.”

“No.” I tilted my head back and scrunched my eyes shut for a moment. “You can not be f*cking serious.”

“Cade. If there are two things in life I want to be loyal to. That is you and the Haar. If I die today then at least I will die knowing I did the right thing for both in the end.”

Tears were welling up in my eyes and I could see the same was happening in his but I knew his stance wouldn’t be swayed. He was loyal to the Haar and to me was that so bad?. He had his fun the past six months until he had been forced to choose. In the end he chose me, not the Haar, but he still felt the need to go back there and make things right. Why? Was I not enough? “Loyalty is a f*cking fake concept that some people a long time ago made up and deemed to be a good trait. F*ck loyalty! Don’t be loyal to the Haar, come back with me we don’t ever need to separate again.”

He looked at me, at some point tears had began to pour down his cheeks as well. They were slightly red and they were beautiful. They were always beautiful. “I don’t want to say goodbye but I have to.”

I looked at him and he began to cry harder, still on his knees on the ground in level with me. I was enough. It wasn’t that he needed more. He needed to go back to the Haar to fix his guilt. I could tell in his eyes that he would never get over it if he didn’t go back there. 

I would rather have him live in pain than to die but that was elfish and this was his choice. “Ok,” I whispered. There was nothing I could do, nothing I could say and that was alright right now. 

He looked up at me, his face one of surprise and thankfulness. I would never see him again. I tried to wrap my head around that. I would never, ever see him again. The boy I loved was standing in front of me and he was saying goodbye. Goodbye forever.

He stood back up and I did the same, both of us watching each other intensely. 

At the same we stepped into each other, we were so close. So, so close.

Our lips touched and the two of us were ensnared in a longing passion for each other. I wanted to get closer to him. I wanted to be as close to him as I could before he was lost to me. I was insatiable, pulling him up, closer and closer. I wanted to kiss harder, more than before, more than I could.

I bit the bottom of his lip hard, drawing blood and we pulled in once more.

We kissed longer, pulling into one and other, matching in our rhythm of swaying. I could taste his salty blood on my tongue as our mouths became one.

We pulled each other tighter, one last time, a deep yearning for the other overtaking us as I grabbed his back and we planted one more kiss and then didn’t move, standing still pushed up against each other.

“I love you,” I whispered, our breaths mixed up in each other.

“I love you too.” He let out a bittersweet deep breath of angst and affection, moving his hand to my wet cheek. “My love is strong. What I feel for you is inconceivable and unmatchable and no one will ever be as important as you. I will love you forever and when I die that love won’t cease to exist. I don’t need to be here for my love to be. I don’t need to be next to you protecting you for me to protect you. Don’t be scared; Don’t be sad. We have something so powerful, so unfathomable that many long for it but few can even imagine it.” I was registering what he was saying but it was as if it were in a dream. I didn’t want his words to be real. “Please Cade. Live your life, find more love, open up to people. Be that wonderful kind person you always were with me. But- ” I nodded and his tone changed to something I had never felt before. He was almost begging me now, “Promise me you won’t forget about me.”

“I will never forget,” I repeated. 

With that he turned away. He didn’t cry, he didn’t run. My Rain just walked, walking out the door and creaking down the stairs till I could hear him no more. Till he reached his fate that one day all of us would.

When I left the Inn I silently mounted my horse and rode till nightfall. I didn’t look back.

As the Haar base came into sight the sun was beginning to set. I had kept up a steady jog all day and now I refused to allow myself the luxury of going in slowly.

The world was spinning and I felt myself biting the inside of my cheek with all the power I could muster, drawing blood in desperate need of a distraction but that didn’t matter. I wasn’t scared. I knew what I was facing and I knew what would happen yet somehow I didn’t fear it.

I remembered how briefly that day I had considered that I could lie, say I had gone out to chase her. But I wouldn’t. They would see right through that. I didn’t care about honesty but I refused to die because of a failed lie. 

As I reached the front door I said my name “Rain Than.” For once, I didn’t say my position. It probably wasn’t my position anymore. Just as I had come here as supreme commander for the first time and kissed Cade for the first time as well, I had just kissed Cade for the last time and now, I would come into this building one last time. I laughed a bit at how particularly cyclic it seemed, like something straight out of one of Hasparekes books.

After a moment one of the archers called to me, “Drop your weapons!”

Slowly and painfully I unstrung my bow and set it on the ground next to me. I carefully lifted my quiver over my shoulder and dropped it, listening to the dull thud as it hit the ground. In one final act of submission I took my knife out of my pocket. From the one place no one knew I kept a weapon, and I set it on the ground. 

I waited for a long moment, staring at the tall, metal door and just waiting for it to open. When it did open Dana and Dolion stood on the other side, their faces hard and cold. 

Why did it have to be them? Why was it always them? I smiled and put my hand up to my forehead, giving Dana one last salute and completely ignoring Dolion. 

I saw her eyes widen and I mouthed “it’s ok,” walking toward them and leaving her speechless. 

I didn’t object as Dolion put a pair of handcuffs on me, I simply placed my hands in front of my body for him. Dana came up and they each grabbed one of my arms. Dolions grip was firm and hard, it was that of someone who wanted to hurt me. When Dana rushed towards me her grip was rough at first but quickly loosened. After that she slowly tightened again as they walked me to the next open door and then through the dark tunnel.

I didn’t say anything and neither did Dana or Dolion. My weapons and bag had no doubt been retrieved from where I left them. They would be placed in some old, musty, storage box which I wouldn’t see again. No one would ever see it again. 

No one would ever take the time to go into the storage closet and look for a box titled ‘Rain Than.’ Because why would anyone look for the stuff of a man like me? Why would anyone look for the belongings of a person without any kin, any emotions, any relevance? Why would they look for the stuff that was mine? Without any legacy. 

Because the truth had hit me a long time ago I just wasn’t willing to voice it. They wouldn’t.

At the stairs I was pulled to the left. We would be entering the section with the supreme commander quarters and the conference rooms and the General Haar’s private area. Idly, I wondered where we were going but I made myself stop. It would be of no use to me now.

As we walked I saw Michael. He was watching me with his same disappointed face. I had wanted to please him, to do him right but like everything else I had ruined it. I wanted to look away from his stare but I didn’t. I had disappointed him and that hit me like a volley of arrows.

Our eyes were locked and I wanted to do something, anything to make him know that if this was my end I wouldn’t go out like a scared child. I wasn’t a scared child anymore.

So I smiled at him. I smiled my biggest, meanest, fakest smile just to let him know that even if they had won, even if I was going to be killed, I would always be the winner in my own mind. 

Once he was out of my sight I closed my eyes. I needed to let go. All of this was pointless. If I watched my surroundings or even if I didn’t it would make no difference. I tried to take a breath, letting go of everything around me. 

I tried to release the tangible from my mind but keep my feet grounded as I walked. I ignored the sounds around me, Dana and Dolions hand’s on my arms, I ignored it all and just walked. 

And then just like that I was stopped. I smiled a bit and opened my eyes to find myself face to face with the general Haar, Adam. I didn’t know what to do so I just stood there, watching him. 

Why was I here? Was I of enough importance to be questioned by him personally before I died? I reminded myself that I had been supreme commander so yes. Yes I was important enough to be questioned by the general Haar. 

Adam nodded at Dana and Dolion and they removed my handcuffs and left. Looking around, I discovered we were in the same room where I had first met him. The red walls seemed darker than ever before but I knew it was just my mind playing tricks on me.

“Tell me in your own words, what did you do?” He asked this question not with a raised voice but in a normal tone. 

I nodded to him. There was no point in hiding the truth. “I broke out a high level prisoner and betrayed the Haar.”

“Why?”

“I-” this was harder to answer. I didn’t want to say it but I felt some external force pushing me, making me say it, getting stronger and stronger and closing in on my mind. “I’m in love with her.”

He looked at me, his face not revealing any emotion but he sat for a moment, not speaking. When he finally did say something I was almost surprised, “Put your hand on the Table Rain.”

I knew he meant the glass table and I hesitated for a moment but did as he asked, placing the back of my hand on the cool glass.

He did the same, placing his palm on the top of my hand. 

Upon his touch, I wasn’t in the room anymore. 

I was eight, sitting on the floor of the area I lived in with Michael. I was reading my book when the memory of my parents came into my mind unwelcome. I began hitting my fists against my head, yelling at it to go away but the echoes of the voices wouldn’t leave. 

I was ten, on my first day in the Haar. I was small and all the other kids were laughing at me so I didn’t speak. One of the other kids pushed me, making me fall to the ground and I didn’t get up. I had learned not to with Michael. 

I was sixteen, I was sitting in the Head tent alone. I could hear the other Commanders and Head laughing over some loud joke as they shared ale but I didn’t try to go join. I reminded myself that I would never be one of them and thought only of Michael’s words, only of getting better.

I was nineteen, receiving the letter of consideration for Supreme Commander as I sat on the floor of a different tent.

I was going into the room of a man I didn’t know, late at night, and slitting his throat.

I was in the forest, alone, drunk, and sad when I heard a girl's voice. I didn’t know where or how or why but in the dark, so dark I couldn’t see my hands in front of me I began to speak. 

Then it was the same girl's voice as I sat in my room days later and as if I had never been able to talk to anyone else before, I spilled all my secrets. It was Cade. 

Next I was on top of Otis’ body, my blood mixing with his as I pushed the sword deep against his neck. 

Everything was switching so fast, suddenly I was in the forest, dragging the bodies of Vave and Tatoute into the river but not quite caring, just staring at the moon. 

And then the same day, I was kissing Cade, we were interlocked and I loved her. I loved her so much and all I wanted was to live in my own fantasy world without the Haar. With no one but her.

I was learning about sorcery. I sat on my bed, on the verge of tears and unwilling to move as she tried her best to explain to me that it would be ok and I realized she was right. Nothing had ever soothed me like her voice and nothing else ever would.

And then we were laughing. We were jumping around, playing with fire and teasing each other with it as she held it on my chest just enough to hurt but I loved it.

I was in the room with Adam, telling him I wanted to destroy everyone in the Northern Empire and aside from her meaning it.

Then Cade looked very small. Her hands were in her sleeves and a long cut ran down her perfect face as I glimpsed her walking into the room, held tightly by guards on either side. 

We were talking. She was tied down and yelling as I bit back tears, watching the Haar break her, my Cade. 

I was at her cell, telling her I loved her and bringing her out.

I was stabbing the guard and relishing in the feeling of much needed fresh blood on my hands.

I was at the Inn, hugging her and telling her that I loved her. I loved her more than anything but I was loyal to the Haar. I was pushing the wet hair out of her face and looking into the green-gold of her eyes which I would never see again; I was loyal to the Haar.

I was in the room, the room where I met Adam and his palm was on mine as we watched me thoughtfully. “You’re loyal to the Haar, Than.” 

I didn’t respond, unsure of what he would say next.

“And you’re a level ten sorcerer, we don’t have anyone that powerful here.” 

“A level eight,” I corrected meekly. 

“No.” His bright green eyes looked into mine. “A level ten.”

I tried to tell myself that everything was going to be ok. I would die but it would be ok, all of this was just stalling.

“Let’s make a deal.” He smiled and there was no kindness in it. “I need someone as powerful as you and there may be no one else out there. You will work for me and only me as my right hand. Publicly, you will maintain your position of Supreme Commander however we will fill your position with a new Supreme Commander. You get to work for us like you want because I know that’s where your loyalties lie and as a favor, let’s call it proof of goodwill, the girl you love, will never be killed.”

I let out a small gasp. I wanted to keep working here so badly and the opportunity I had just been offered seemed too perfect but it wasn’t. It was real. I wanted to ask how it was possible that Cade and I were two of the most powerful sorcerers in the world when it felt like I knew nothing but I refrained from the question. I thought about what he said for a moment more. Everything about the position seemed absolutely wonderful but it was Cade I was worried about. “Tell me she will never be crippled or captured if you can help it and Adam, there is nothing in the world I would love more.”

He smiled and nodded, making the handcuff that kept my left hand on the chair disintegrate. He was a powerful sorcerer, I realized that now. He was more powerful than me or Cade of anyone else out there. He was likely the most powerful.

I stood and shook his hand. His grip was firm and I smiled now, genuinely.

“Welcome to your new job, Rain Than.”

One of the first things I had done once I regained a level head after leaving Rain was speak to Madame Pama telepathically. I had told her about Dolion and how they had captured me for a few days and how someone there got me out. When she asked me who I had started to cry once more so I made the excuse that I had to go.

That was about a week ago and now, atop a horse I found myself riding into the academy. Everything looked the same but emptier. Classes had ended two days ago which meant that most of the other sorcerers had left yesterday. 

As I walked the horse to the stable and got her settled with water and food I wondered what I would do these next six months. It didn’t matter. Whatever happened I would survive. I would survive if for nothing else just to make it to the next year at the Academy.

I opened the door to the girls house, confident it would be deserted but it was not. Aurora sat on my bed in the barren room and for a moment she just stared. I didn’t want to speak to her at the moment. 

“Hey.” I mumbled as I walked over.

“Cade!” She ran over to me and hugged me as tightly as she could manage. “Oh my god your face.” She was no doubt referring to the large cut that went down the side of it.

“Oh that.” I pretended not to care, “Don’t worry it’s healing.” 

She pulled me in for another tight hug and I reciprocated. “Madame said you were captured in the Haar main base! Did the torture you? Are you ok?” Torture sounded like such a barbaric word in that context but yes, I supposed they did. “You told her that Dolion betrayed us? What do you mean? He couldn’t possibly be working for the Haar.”

“Yes,” I whispered as I pulled away from her and went to pack my bags, “he is.” 

“Oh.” 

I threw my clothes and random small belongings I had accumulated over the year into my bag and quickly zipped it, throwing it over my shoulder.

“Cade you’re tired, sit down. Do you even know where you’re going for the next six months?”

I knew she was right so I dropped the bag and sat on my bed. “No,” I responded truthfully.

“Chena and Henry are going to spend the whole time at Chena’s house and I was going to join them for the first month till I have to go back to my own, you should join us.”

“I really don’t want to be a bother-” I began but was cut off.

“They asked me to invite you. They’re there and now and they’re expecting you to come.”

I sighed. “Alright, why not.”

“Wonderful!” Aurora smiled from ear to ear and her brown hair flopped back and forth as she jumped a bit. “Also, Madame Pama wants to see you, I think she’s in the main building, we should go over.”

I nodded and pulled the hood of my cloak up. She grabbed my hand and though I wouldn’t say it, I was happy for the warmth of hers against mine. 

When we reached the main building we went into the Library and Found Madame Pama with a tall man. He had perfectly straight long silver hair and dark blue eyes. When he saw us he gave a big smile and together Aurora and I walked timidly over. 

“You must be Cade.” he nodded at me kindly.

“Yes. I’m afraid I don’t know your name?” I remained polite as possible but who was he and why did he know who I was? 

“Yes, so sorry, I’m Paul.” So he was that Paul, the one I had heard about so many times. The most powerful sorcerer and one who ran the group with all of the adults in the Northern Empire. “Do you mind if I see what happened at the Haar Main Base?” he asked. He placed one hand out, palm up indicating for me to take it.

I looked to Madame Pama and she nodded her head in conformation so I put mine in his.

It was as if I were back in the base, reliving the whole thing but faster and skipping some of the less important parts. I saw Dolions betrayal, how he hit me when I was tied to the chair. I saw Rain and how he broke me out, how after it all I told him I loved him and we kissed.

Quickly as it had started I was back in the Library, standing with Madame Pama, Aurora, and Paul. “She’s right.” he said, “Dolion betrayed us. I’ll let Cade tell the story though.” I looked at him and wondered if this meant he wouldn’t be mentioning Rain but I couldn’t tell. 

“Do you know your level Cade?” Paul asked, changing the subject.

“Yes, I think an eight of some sort,” I responded.

“You’ve reached a ten.” 

I stared at him and blinked for a moment, unspeaking. There were only five level tens in the whole Northern Empire, that didn’t seem possible. 

Madame Pama mentioned that I should get more sleep and tomorrow we could talk about me spending some of the next six months here. She was right, I was tired but that didn’t mean I would be able to sleep.

I loved this place, the people. I loved the experience of being here, everything about it. I loved the ups, the downs, and times that were no particular way. It was amazing and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

When I got in bed I thought of one person. Rain was the only thing I had been able to think about this whole journey and already, I missed him terribly.

I was just beginning to truly love him and it was like nothing I had ever felt before. Everytime he spoke my heart leapt a little and everything about him I absolutely adored. I missed lying my head in his lap, I missed kissing him, I missed lying in the Academy bed where everyone thought I was alone but actually, he was quietly hugging me from his own.

He had started as a boy. A boy with neat black hair. He had a bow, and a quiver. He had been an archer who had no friends. He was sad and alone, and then he had me. 

We had formed a connection unlike anything I had ever been through. I could talk to him. Like nothing and no one else all my words and secrets just flowed out when I was around him in a beautiful stream.

But he changed. Now he was kind, he was strong, he was honorable. I missed him and I always would. Everything about him had been so wonderful. Through many tears and long days, I would learn to love and to move on. 

I would remember our conversations, our first kiss. Every joking argument and time he pulled me in and said the words “I love you.” Everytime he gave me life advice or he couldn’t fall asleep. Every time I was bored or kids were being mean to me, he was at my aid. He was always there for me and what we had, it was real.

All I could do now was to remember what we had before he died. Remember the times together and the memories I made with him. 

His smile, his soft, kind voice, his words and thoughts. Remember them and love them.

Because I would never forget.