She’s not the girl she used to be.
And she’ll never be that girl again, no matter how hard she tries.





The past year has been a nightmare that she just couldn’t get out of. No one gets her. No one gets how much pain she goes through each day. No one understands how she feels. No one will ever be there for her. She will be alone forever because she isn’t good enough. Thats how she feels every single day of her life. And everyday it seemed to get worse and worse.




She remembers when she was a little girl, when the worst pain you could ever feel was falling off your bike and scraping you knee. When boys were just your friends and nothing more, when the biggest drama was someone taking your crayon. She wishes she could go back to those days, when nothing bad ever happened.


She’s 13 now and lost as ever. She has been through so much pain and confusion. The only happiness she knew left her, now she was all alone. The one she trusted the most had let her down, The one who promised to never hurt her, hurt her ?Believe me he did. All the promises, lies, love, kisses, hugs, memories were everything to her even though they didn’t matter anymore, but she knew they meant nothing to him.


May 5th 2010 was the day her world finally turned around for the better. her life was perfect. She had Amazing friends, she was finally getting along with her family, and she had the most amazing boyfriend in the world. It’s the first time in her life that wanted and loved,That her life felt complete.


Austin was his name. The one person who made her heart beat fast when he got close. Who left her feeling like she could fly every time they kissed. The one person who meant everything to her, the one who made her feel safe in his arms. When they hugged she never wanted to let go He was her world.


Austin was 5’4 and two years older than she was But still in her grade. He had blonde curly hair and beaming blue eyes. His smile was her favorite thing about him, it was so amazing it’s indescribable. For a while everything went well until things came to an end.


June 4th 2010 was the day her world came tumbling down. It was the day of the big social studies project. Austin was on the team next to her. She decided to go see him before it started. He was dressed up like a guy from the 1700’s he had a feather hat on and funny looking pants and a cute dress top. He came up to her and gave her a hug. Nothing was wrong, but his social studies teacher, Mrs. Lakewood who was very strict and just happened to be coming this way, he told her he loved her and gave her a kiss on her cheek. And she returned to her hallway to present her project.


Later on, after the project was finished a former friend of hers, Victoria came up to her and said “ I’m sorry but Austin’s breaking up with you.” Her face began to turn red and tears filled up her aqua eyes. She kept her tears in until she did everything she could do to help pick up the project. After that she ran, everything was blurry but she just kept running down until she got to the big stall in the girls bathroom.


It felt like a knife had been stabbed through her chest. Like a bullet went through her heart. She stood up against the wall and slid down it crying until she hit the floor. The tears just kept coming. One by one tears hit the floor, She tried so hard not to cry but she couldn’t. She doesn’t get why her would kiss her and say “I love you” to her if he didn’t mean it.


The words replayed in her head over and over again like a broken record. I love you, I love you, I love you. And Austin’s breaking up with you, Austin’s breaking up with you, Austin’s breaking up with you. She couldn’t get those words out of her head, her head was pounding and her make-up was running. She hit the wall as hard as she could but it did nothing. It didn’t make the pain go away.


She got the strength to stop crying and pull herself together, that was for now. She fixed her make up and waited until her face wasn’t red. She looked fine, like nothing had happened. She felt ok for now. She still couldn’t bear the pain but she did a good job acting like she was fine that nothing mattered. When really she was dying and everything mattered.


As she left her team hallway to go to her homeroom there was Austin. Her heart suddenly stopped beating. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, their eyes locked looking at each other for what was only seconds seemed like an eternity she could feel the tears swelling up in her eyes again. Austin shifted his eyes off of her. She walked as fast as she could until she reached her homeroom.


Kyle, one of her best guy friends could tell something was wrong as soon as she walked into the room. Kyle came up to her and asked what was wrong. “Nothing” she replied almost chocking on her words. He gave her a huge hug and almost picked her up. . . “ Hope I know you to well to think there’s nothing wrong, what happened hun?” Kyle said in the most sincere voice she had ever heard.


“ Austin broke up with me.” She stuttered holding back the dwelling tears.

“ Well it looks like i’m going to be kickings someones butt soon. Do you have any idea why?” he asked.

“No none, i thought we were fine, everything was going great.” She replied STILL trying not to cry.

“He wasn’t worth your time and definitely not worthy of someone like you you are amazing and anyone would be lucky to have you. “ Kyle said.

She chuckled under her breath.

“Kyle I love you, you always know how to make laugh on my worst days.”

“Well i do try.” He replied with a bit of sarcasm.
First wave is now dismissed, first wave is now dismissed, you may now walk to your busses. The intercom announced.

“ Stay strong Hope, Text me or call me if you need to talk.” he said.

“Thank you so much Kyle.” She replied
She gave him one last hug and started to cry, he wiped away her tears and left for the busses.


The same day she found out that The same girl who had been trying to break Her and Austin up, the same girl who told Hope that she and Austin were over. Was going out with Him. That Girl was Victoria. She felt like ripping out her fake blonde barbie doll hair, punching her to the ground and killing her.


Victoria was the reason why she and the guy she loved was torn apart. He had broken up with her for a pre- madonna barbie doll? She was not only sad but now she was angry she wanted revenge, and she would do anything to get it. The only problem was she couldn’t get herself to do it.


Victoria was in her homeroom and Hope gave every sign to Victoria that she knew she stole her boyfriend, and that she didn’t want anything to do with her. She gave dirty looks and bumped her on propose, ignored her when she talked. Everything in the book. She looked like she was fine on the outside. But on the inside the only emotions she felt were anger, hatred, sadness, pain and hurt.


All the time she would cry when she was alone. She didn’t feel like herself without Austin. She missed his hugs, She missed his company, She missed his kisses. But most of all she missed being able to call him hers. Just knowing that she would never be able to hold his hand or say I love you, killed her.


A week or so had gone bye. Things just kept getting worse and worse. Austin was at the Community park and called Victoria every time she as there. Soon she saw them hugging and kissing in the hallways and couldn’t take it. She was all he would ever talk about. Hope couldn’t stand it anymore she was at her breaking point. She only felt anger, hatred, sadness,pain and hurt. Bye now all she could really feel the stronger emotions were Pain and hurt.


Spinning questions flew in her mind. Why am I not good enough? Why her and not me? Am I not pretty enough? All these raced and soon emotions took over her. There was no happiness in her life anymore. There was no reason to live. She thought about suicide and overdosing. She wanted to do it more than anything, She felt worthless and like she meant nothing in this world. She wanted to die. Thats all she wanted. Simple right? Just take a few sleeping pills and you would never wake up. Ya no, there was way more to it than that.



The pain kept getting stronger and Stronger inside. To the point it was affecting her grades, ruining her relationships with other people and she was taking it all out on herself. The days got hotter, and so did Austin and Victoria’s relationship. They would kiss in the halls, hold hands and so much more.


One day Hope was home alone and was doing her daily chore; the dishwasher. When she didn't realize the sharp knife with the rest of the silverware. It cut into her tan skin she shrieked as the bright red blood dripped onto her arm. It stung so bad, it hurt so much the pain was unbearable. She had realized that that was the first time that she hadn’t thought about Austin, it was a different pain.


She liked that feeling, not thinking about Austin and how much her heart ached. How much pain she was going through. She grabbed the knife that had cut her and hid it in her vanity in her room, that was in the basement; and started cutting herself. She did it about twice a week. Just to get used to it.


The pain and hurt kept on getting worse. And so did the cutting, they got bigger and deeper and left scars for the world to see. She took the knife and slit her wrist, she watched as the blood dripped down her arm. It felt good, she liked it she wanted to do it more and more. The cuts got so bad that blood got on the knife and left a cruel stain.


Now there were 15 big cuts on her wrist. Each about 4 inches long and very deep. but no one knew about it. She kept her wrist hidden and she didn’t intend on letting anyone know ever. It was her secret to keep. That was until the day she went to the park and Austin tried to talk to her.


She took the short cut way. She cut through the woods and up a little hill and there was a little fence around the tennis and basketball courts; the park was right next to it. There was a little whole in the fence were she went to to cut to the park.



Hope didn’t see Austin standing there. She walked into the green courts and saw nobody at all. She thought she was alone so she quickly looked at her wrist. The scars were bad, it hurt to even touch them. She heard footsteps and quickly spun around. There was Austin standing about 6 inches away from her. She couldn’t bear to see his his face, the face she still loved.


“Hey Hope.” Austin said quietly

“Hi.” Hope replied holding back the tears, this was the first time she had talked to him in weeks

“ Hows life? How are you?” He asked.

“Fine I guess, well I have to go.” She said

“ No you don’t, whats wrong?” He asked


Everything, you left me for Victoria, I cut myself now and I still love you but I guess it doesn’t matter now. Thats what she wanted to say to him, tell him how she really felt but she couldn’t she knew he wouldn’t care.
So she tried to run. But he was to fast, he grabbed her wrist.


She yelled out in pain as soon as he grabbed her wrist. He let go as soon as he saw she was hurt. Hope turned around to look at her wrist. He had pulled onr of the scabs and it was bleeding. “What happened? are you ok?’’ he asked
“No im not not at all!” She shouted
“Why, whats going on? What happened to your wrist? Austin asked with curiosity.
“You wouldn’t care, you never cared about me anyway, so just drop it seriously.
“Hope you thats not true, I’ll always care about you, you HAVE to believe me, I just want to help. he said
“ You wouldn’t understand, I cant tell you whats wrong, because I know you and you’ll never talk to me again, and theres another reason that I can’t say.”
“ Hope show me your wrist or it will hurt when i try to see it. If it’s what I think it is then it will hurt like heck.


He came towards her with a desperate look on his face. She knew she couldn’t win this, she had lost the battle. She took off her black sweatshirt and threw it to the ground she flicked her wrist in so all you could see were her palms he reached for her hands and flipped them over carefully. His face was in shock, she couldn’t tell wether he was mad, sad, suprized or confused. He was a little bit of everything. he saw at least 15 deep cuts, two were bleeding from when he grabbed her wrist.


“ What did you do to yourself?” He asked she could see the pain in his eyes.

“ Nothing, it doesn’t matter just go, I don’t have to tell you anything anymore.” she snapped
“Tell me Hope, why did you do this to yourself? You need to stop your going to hurt yourself. He remarked.
“Look Austin, were not together any more, theres no more you and me theres no us, I don't have to tell you anything and I don’t have to listen to you. Understand? “ She said tears almost filling her aqua eyes.


“ Just because were not together anymore doesn’t mean I can’t care about you now tell me the reason for you doing this.” Austin sympathetically asked. “ Do you really want to know why? It’s because my life is nothing anymore, i’m constantly fighting with my mom and dad, no one cares about me and life sucks and i’m going through a lot, iv’e been going through a lot since we broke up and I need an escape from it, this is what i do.” She said tears trickling down her face. “ I’m sorry Hope I really am, but you need to stop you could kill yourself, and it’s going to leave scars; that will remind you everyday what happened. Just stop, stop for me.”


“ I can’t Austin it’s my only way to escape that pain, the only way I can feel good about myself it’s my only escape from the world. You wouldn’t understand anyway. And I cant stop for you because I. . . . Her voice trailed off.
“ You what? Don’t tell me you did this because of me.” Austin replied “ It doesn’t matter why I did it, I did and it’s done and over with. Now leave it ALONE. She snapped. “ Hope if you don’t stop doing this i’m going to tell your mom. He said. “ Wow your 15 and going to tell my mommy, wow i’m really scared she said in a baby voice, and besides if you really cared why would you tell my mom?


It was 9:45 it was getting dark and she had to leave, he walked her home and opened his arms to give her a hug, she hesitated and took a step toward him and gave him a huge hug. “ Austin why did you break up with me.” She asked bravely. “ It doesn’t matter I did it and I can’t change it.” he replied quietly.
“It does matter to me please, just tell me, I want to know what I did wrong. “ Hope you did nothing wrong you were perfect, it was me I’m a very clingy person I just clung to you so much I thought I was loosing myself. I loved you so much that I would want to die if I ever lost you I don’t understand why I love you so much theres just something different about you, something special. You complete me, you make me feel emotions that no one has ever made me feel, i was scared. I tried to forget about you, so I went to Victoria”


“But thats, I don’t know what to say, So you tried to forget about me, Thats why you stopped talking to me and being around me?” Hope said sadly.
“ Yes, but the thing is I never forgot about you like I thought I would. I thought It would be easy, like when someone is addicted to cigarettes it’s easier to not be around the cigarettes.” Austin replied, his heavy heart being weighed down.
“So I’m like your drug?” She said almost crying.
“Yeah, I guess so” He said. They had finally reached her house they said goodbye.


Before they had left and gone their seperate ways Austin whispered in Hopes ear “ Just to let you know I never stopped loving you, and wont stop until the earth stops spinning.