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Her first love

June 2, 2011
By anotherheart1775, North Waterboro, Maine
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anotherheart1775, North Waterboro, Maine
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Summary:

Everything's perfect. Or is it?

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anotherheart1775

Her first love

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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This book has 5 comments.

Pepper243 said...
on Dec. 26 2011 at 11:20 pm
Pepper243, ********************, Washington
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this story really portrays a mental image, and is written brilliantly! all that i can say is to add some juice to the drama, Hope is extremely sad losing the love of her life, but she is 13 and they were only going out for a couple months. So even though it may feel as if its the end of the world to her, thats normal for the day and most would get over it. I would suggest something more like 15 and dating for a couple of years. just in the rest of your writing experience to add actual depth and reality to all the emotion. Keep up the good work, though, the writting is absoulotly fabulous!!!!
orangeapple said...
on Sep. 29 2011 at 10:22 pm
this story is alot like my life story which scared me alot at first but I really like it :)
SarcasticPersonInTraining BRONZE said...
on Jun. 6 2011 at 8:50 pm
SarcasticPersonInTraining BRONZE, Woodbury, Minnesota
3 articles 0 photos 48 comments
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the emotion was rly well portrayed! u do need to do some editing here and there but overall id say  a good job :) please check out my story Last Note and comment with feedbackand rate plz! :)
GBoland BRONZE said...
on Jun. 6 2011 at 3:41 pm
GBoland BRONZE, Chantilly, Virginia
1 article 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Parting is such sweet sorrow." - Shakesphere

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You could make some changes, but over all I loved the outline and summary of your story... you really should continue it!
Mye.Lin SILVER said...
on Jun. 5 2011 at 12:50 pm
Mye.Lin SILVER, Toronto, Ohio
5 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Justify your existence.<br /> Create meaning&quot; -unknown

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Some improvements you could make to shape your story:

1. Spelling and grammar; don't capitalize if it isn't the first word of a sentence or a proper noun

2. Some parts repeat, fix sentence structure

3. Elaborate. You don't explain why Hope loves Austin or vice-versa, or why she feels so much pain when they break up

4. It was hard to understand at times, again, spelling and grammar

5. Change perspective. it would be more effective if written in first person

6. Less overused phrases