As she sits in the other room and wonders if she will ever be the same girl she was when she was little. So as she sits and thinks she comes to an understanding with not just her thoughts but with her heart. She is content.

What if nothing is ever supposed to be planned out? Why do we plan things and stress over them, when instead we could let God take the lead and take us down an unforgettable path. So as she sits and wonders what God has in store for her she stops. She stops worrying about the future and everything it has to hold. She trusts in God and everything he does.

When she was a little girl she prayed and prayed that mommy would get well and daddy would stop doing drugs. And although God didn’t grant her any of those things she prayed for he gave her something unforgettable. He gave her the hope that someone out there loved her. If not from her family then from someone else.

God gave this little girl a new home. Yes, it might have been a shelter but she felt like she belonged, almost as if she was home. Then God threw a curveball and sent her to a foster home. All was well for the little girl until about three months down the road. The not so little girl went through hell trying to fit in and feel like she belonged there. God then placed her with a new family, a family she was content with. Then after three short months, God then replaced her back at home, it didn’t matter how much the girl begged to stay.
As the girl returned back to her home, she told her mom that she wasn’t ready. That girl grew up so much, that she missed school to be home with her eight month old brother because she knew that mom was too sick to do it on her own. The young lady’s grades went from straight A’s to C’s in a matter of weeks. The long nights she stayed awake helping her mother with her breathing treatments and trying to put her brother back to sleep. Then one day her sisters were drinking and told mom she had a cellphone. After waking up the little lady and going through her room, they found nothing but still insisted she had a phone. So the next day her mom and step-dad went to get her little brother’s Easter pictures taken and the girl just wanted to get her drawing stuff. She needed to ease her anxiety and her fear. She wasn’t scared of anything in particular just didn’t want to be there. As the girl went upstairs she was cornered and yelled at, so she fought. She fought for her own safety. She fought to be somewhere she felt safe and happy. She fought for herself when no one else did. And again she prayed to God to be on her side. She asked him why he would let her own family turn against her. She was so hurt and so confused. She knew she was a horrible child but family is supposed to be forever. Family is supposed to lift you up when you feel weak, but the little girl was crashing straight into the ground and nobody noticed.

After three short months of being home, the girl was then placed into yet another shelter. Once again she felt safe. She was scared and she had every reason to be, she didn’t know if her family even cared about her. All she ever wanted was to be loved, and loved for all the right reasons not just because they had to. She turned 15 in that shelter. After just four months she was then placed in yet another foster home. This one however was different. It really was home.

As the girl grew things made more and more sense. Family therapy was required and every time the girl walked out. She walked out because she knew there was no fixing the relationship, because there was no relationship. Her family let her down when she needed them the most. She lost a lot of people over the next couple years. She lost a loved one in a car vs train accident, a grandfather to cancer, a friend to a motorcycle accident, a friend to an overdose, and a sister to suicide. She felt like she had hit rock bottom. She ran and cut and tried everything to end her life, nothing had ever felt to real in her life. A few months before her 18th birthday she felt so insecure and hated herself in everyway possible. She did everything to be placed somewhere else.

After she was placed in a group home she felt different, almost like God had heard her. Like things were looking up again. After turning 18 she got privileges that other kids didn’t get, but that’s because she was only staying there until she finished school and that she did. She finished school and went to live with her father.

She only lived with her father for a month before leaving back to where she knew home was. She met a great guy and was more than ready to start a relationship with him. She got her own apartment and a new phone. She got a job and was happy for a little bit. Until she felt the pain again. The pain of not being wanted for who she was. After the hospital trip things were looking up again. She found love when she thought it was impossible. And after a few months of talking and hanging out she moved in with him.

Although they fought and argued over the stupidest things, she was happy, she felt loved. She had finally found her soulmate, the person she wanted to start a family with. She had finally let her walls down and although he didn’t trust her she didn’t seem to mind. She felt safe again, and that’s a feeling she thought she would never get back. Falling asleep next to him meant everything to her. Being in his arms were more than she could have ever asked for. And now starting a family with him couldn’t be anything more than what she ever wanted. She was content.

That little girl learned a lot in just five short years of her childhood. But more importantly she learned to never give up on God because you never know what he has in mind for you. Sometimes the struggle is worth what comes after. That little girl is me.