Anxiety haunted me. It was a shadow that followed me everywhere and made me doubt myself every minute of every day. Anxiety isn’t just worrying about day to day events such as “paying bills, landing a job, or romantic events,” it is the feeling of being worried or nervous about something everyday to the point it prevents you from doing certain activities. If you find yourself in a situation that you are so nervous you break out into a panic attack; that would be anxiety. My anxiety would hold me back from doing other things kids my age were doing. If I was invited to a sleepover, I automatically thought about everything that could go wrong before all the fun things I might do. It was not just one thing that I was worried about; it was many. I was constrained by my own imagination. I feared being left alone, trapped, and having stomachaches. Ironically, the fears I had sometimes gave me stomachaches because I worried so much. Anxiety shut me down.

As my cousin Lilly and I entered the maze, I was excited and only a little bit nervous, but the moment I lost sight of my mom, that's when it happened. I was hit by a panic attack. I bursted into tears and started yelling for my mom. I was a ten-year-old running franticly back and forth with no knowledge of where my mom or I was. My cousin only a few months older than me stood there watching me freaking out and was puzzled why I was acting like this. She just repeatedly told me to “take a chill pill”. To someone having a panic attack, that didn’t necessarily help. I felt alone and trapped like there was no way out. For those of you who have never experienced a panic attack, it feels like this: shortness of breath, tightness in all your muscles, no control over what you do or say, and your heart racing at what it feels like a thousand miles per hour. It’s just a moment of disarray.

I was literally consumed by fear. My anxiety drove me to be an avid listener. Listening to where my parents said they would be at least. I would constantly check where my parents were, either by walking around the house to find them or by calling “mom” or “dad” to hear where the voice was in the house. It became to be a real set back in around fourth and fifth grade. Anxiety shows its presence by interfering with work, school, or social life, constantly feeling worried and anxious, or sometimes depression and suicidal thoughts. After noticing my hesitation towards hanging out with my friends and that I was anxious most of the time, my parents suggested I go meet with a therapist who could possibly help me “take a chill pill” as my cousin would say.

Anxiety wasn’t always such a burden through my life. It has been present my whole childhood but from fourth grade through eighth grade it was more prominent. Luckily, my anxiety took vacations. For sixth and seventh grade it seemed to vanish but it reappeared for eighth grade and hasn’t been as prevalent since. I went to two different therapists, one when I was in fifth grade and the other for when I was in eighth grade. My therapists would talk to me about the fears I had and would ask why I had them. I never could explain why I had anxiety, I just did. To be honest, I don’t think the therapy actually helped, I think it was time that began to mend the wounds left by anxiety. I grew out of my anxiety like I used to grow out of my clothes.

What causes anxiety is still a little vague; it could be caused by traumatic life events, mental illness, or even inherited. In my case, I still don’t know what caused it to take over my life. All I know now is that anxiety was just an obstruction in my path to success. After it went away I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I could finally not worry about doing things with my friends or being home alone for certain lengths of time. At least not to the point of anxiety stopping me from doing little things. Thinking back now, anxiety was just a gate holding me back, but as soon as it was opened, I was free and out exploring the world. After, I had learned that I liked being independent and exploring new things. My anxiety became a stepping-stone for me to grow upon.