It took me a while to realize that my obsession with Peeta and Katniss was in no way related to the boy with bread. That my adoration of Ron and Hermione excluded the red-headed Weasley. My love of Percy and Annabeth from Camp Half-Blood? I forgot that I didn't actually like Percy's character.

It took me a while to realize that I was falling not for the heroes, but the heroines.

Katniss's bad-a** attitude and rebellious spark. Hermione's ever-generous assistance and indredible intelligence. Annabeth's grey eyes and witty remarks.

I didn't become aware of this until my literary infatuations translated into the real world, in the forms of my peers. It suddenly dawned on me that the way my friend Cassie's hair swung into her face was stunningly beautiful. My work partner Reyna was funny, sassy, and undeniably, really hot. When I thought about going on dates, it wasn't with the boys I did labs with or my "cute" neighbour Matias. It was with these girls.

"Oh. I'm a lesbian". Second week of eight grade.

"Should I tell someone?" Third week of eight grade.

"Nah." Halfway through ninth grade.

I rationalized it to myself, saying that I wasn't sure, it could be a phase. When I ascertained that it definitely was not a phase, I decided to "wait a little" anyways. After all, I didn't have a girlfriend, so why did it matter?

I was lucky. I knew my family wouldn't mind, apart from the occasional religious uncle. My closest friends, as it happened, all came out to me, so I reflected it back at them. Apparently teenage deviants unknowingly befriend each other. I was openly gay with them and just myself at home.

The real reason I didn't come out? I did not want to be my sexuality. I don't ever want to be "Lily, the lesbian". I want to be "Lily, my friend", "Lily, my teammate", and "Lily, my cousin".

I wanted to end this essay saying that I would go downstairs,talk to my mother. Be brave and admit to the reason I don't date boys and want to cut my hair.

However, I won't. I will neither write it nor do it. Cowardly, embarassingly, pathetically, I am not ready to give up my privacy, my life of lying by omission. Today is not that day.

One day, however, I will stop living a lie.

One day, I will ask a girl out on a date.

One day, I will be out and proud.

But not today. Never today.