“Are you a boy or girl?” Pick one. I couldn’t. I couldn’t answer the simple question that the kids asked me. Somehow I skirted the question for years. I out grew my “boy” stage in middle school. I felt normal. I felt like a girl. It was a sense of security. It was like a barricade was placed around my feelings. The tears from that simple question dried. I knew what I was. Boys came to my mind like waves that come to the shore, they were always there. I loved the feeling of butterflies in my stomach when I talked to a boy. It felt so right. I could laugh with my uncle as he ridiculed gays. He’d yell out “Those damn queers.” I was so happy that label wasn’t placed on me. For once I wasn’t that weird girl that wanted to be a boy. No one asked if I was a boy or girl. I wasn’t excluded because I changed my mold to fit society’s. I was the plastic that filled the mold. I was another piece in the assembly line. My clothes were of vibrant colors. My personality was bubbly. My hair was straight. I was not. My mind just felt so comfortable liking guys; it was like being wrapped in a blanket on a winter’s day. I didn’t have to look away uncomfortably when my friends talked about their crushes. I felt right.

  “Dude, I just found out I might like girls. I don’t know how I feel.” Those were my friend’s words to me when she started having feelings for a girl. Her words stuck to me like syrup on children’s fingers. When she came out to me, it finally crossed my mind that it’s possible to be gay. Before she said that, I never thought about someone being gay. However, the thought melted away. The year after my friend came out to me, I went on another string of liking a lot of guys. I went to my safe place because I just felt so comfortable. A rush of feelings finally came up. I fought them off like rebels fighting tyrants for as long as I could; but I couldn’t keep up the fight any longer. On a weekend in the fall, alone downstairs in my house I came out to my friend. My heart was pounding like it had never before. I felt as if I could feel it coming through my shirt and my hands were clammy. I sent my blunt message; I felt that was the only way to do it. “I think I’m gay.” I knew I was gay so there was no point in saying “I think” but to me, as irrational as it was, it seemed better. My eyes filled with tears that spilled over my eye lids. They continued to stream as I just sat there realizing who I truly was. I couldn’t understand why I was crying. Maybe it was a relief from my heart. Finally I could admit to myself how I truly felt. Her response lives inside me, it wasn’t emotional, it wasn’t deep, I think that’s why I can reread it and be so okay with myself. She asked “Dude that’s it?” Then I began to realize, why was it a big deal that I love girls? The rest of the night we talked about baseball because what team was in first place was the only big deal that night.

  Accepting that I was gay was like climbing stairs. I would almost reach the top before I slipped. I would stand up and dust myself off but then get the rug slipped out from under me, only to free fall back down. It was easier to face when I started to like my friend. Seeing myself with her made so much more sense than being with any other guy that I could think of. Thinking of her was true comfort. Finally something actually felt right. I didn’t have to pretend any longer. I could finally take a deep breath. But weeks after coming out to my friend I started to feel wrong again. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. After school one day the girl I liked put her arm around me and I put my head on her shoulder. Finally I got this feeling in me that I never experienced with a guy, it was true love. As soon as I could somewhat except myself, I began coming out to my friends. I was surprised to get such a positive response from everyone except one of my friends. She brought up that negative feeling again. She would make snide comments and called me weird which once again made me question myself. It was nothing compared to what I thought my family would say.

  I was on the way to the best thing in the world, baseball. We had to bring a kid from my team with us to the game upstate. He was a very shy person so I felt as if I could relate to him. Just as the car traveled up and down the hills of upstate Connecticut so did my emotions. I felt so compelled to tell my mom the truth. I felt like every time I saw her, I was lying to her. I knew inside that it wouldn’t be right to keep this from her. As the music blasted through my ears to get me pumped for my game, Macklemore’s “Same Love” came on. I felt as it the universe was telling me it’s okay. In front of the shy right fielder, I came out to my mom. She was speechless. I couldn’t blame her; I just told her I was gay in front of this stranger. When he left she told me she still loved me and we could talk about it after my game. I felt so relieved that she didn’t question it, she accepted it. I couldn’t imagine how people with homophobic parents must feel. I remember wanting to tell them that there are loving and accepting people out there. There’s no shame in love. My father thought it was wrong to be gay. He said nature didn’t support it. I remember hearing his words and wanting to hide. Because of our complicated relationship, my mom told him for me. While in the haven for baseball, Cooperstown, New York, he talked to me about it but I didn’t respond, I just listened to his support.

  Writing this now I still question how I feel about myself. Some days I ask myself, what’s wrong with me? Other days I see the light, love is love. Love by definition is a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person. A person. It doesn’t define who should love who, it doesn’t say what’s right; love is love no matter who it’s with. Coming out for me was like driving through a concrete wall, it took a few tries but I finally broke through. Love breaks down barriers, makes peace, and saves lives. Why should we limit it? You got one shot at life; don’t live part of it in fear. As John F. Kennedy said “If we cannot now end our differences, at least now we can help make the world safe for diversity. “