Chaos. My life was just completely filled with so much stress, action, and confusing emotions that I didn’t know how to deal with. I had so many questions in my mind. But the one that stood out the most to me was… Do you still love him? Yes. This was my answer, as much as it shouldn’t have been. I loved him.
Luke Hastings, your typical heartbreaker. He had dark brown hair with eyes to match, he was good at sports, sweet and caring when he wanted to be, he was of medium height… not short but not very tall. I had talked to Luke a few times before because we had met at basketball games and some of my friends introduced me to him. I liked talking to Luke, actually I loved it. I started to like him after a while, we talked all the time and he was sweet, you could say I was a little head over heels for him. I was just waiting for Luke to ask “the question”. Eventually, after talking for about a couple months he asked, I surely would not turn down this opportunity, certainly I was lucky to call him mine. Luke made me so happy!! I smiled uncontrollably ALL the time, I was a more bubbly person now and my depression had actually subsided! This was a good thing for me, the habit could have killed me if he hadn’t saved me.
I REALLY loved this boy, no doubt about it. It was plain to see, everyone saw it. The way I always looked at him and then the returning look he gave me was amazing for anyone who saw it. We were always called “cute, adorable,” and sometimes people made comments like “Just don’t leave each other! I would hate to see such a cute and perfect relationship go to waste!” Which was true for me, I never wanted to leave and I was surely hoping he wouldn’t leave either.
Unfortunately, we had been together for a little over a month and he said he was no longer interested. I was lost, my heart was shattered and I couldn’t live the happier life I did when I was with him. I cried for days upon days and was so sad. He was the one person that made me smile when I was in the most depressing mood, made me laugh at pointless little things, and his hugs to my breath away. Captivating. Luke. His name ran through my mind a couple different times before I started crying again. I was sick of the way this made me feel. I missed him but the only way I could stop was loving someone else… highly unlikely… or loving him again. My love for Luke was too much for even me to handle, he had the relationship skills of a fourth grader… that was obvious for pretty much anyone to see.
But our break up didn’t last long. He called the next day and apologized for all that he said to me. Luke told me it was all a mistake and that he wanted another chance to prove to me that he was nice and not like all the other players. I listened on the phone in silence for a few seconds which seemed like hours… “I love you.” He said I love you… I couldn’t think or move or really do anything. I just stared blankly at nothing.
“I love you too, Luke.”
I gasped. Did I really just say that?! My mind punished me but my heart flipped and sped faster with excitement. He was bad for me, very bad for me but it is what comes with love. The risk of heartbreak. They always say not to love because you’ll get hurt, but if you live you die in the end. What would the difference be? Nothing. Nothing is different between living and dying and loving or not. Death and heartbreak are two hard things to deal with but loving and living are the better things to focus on. I had lost all of my sanity, he made me forget how to breathe.