I've got weeds growing in every direction from the depths of my soul. When you meet people they're supposed to fill you with good things, and when you leave them it's supposed to be bittersweet. But if you just so happen to meet the wrong people, if you just so happen to say goodbye to the wrong people it will tear you apart and rip out the roots of those flowers. And after awhile weeds will take their place and you'll be left with a bundle of bad memories and a heart that doesn't stop hurting.

There's fifty billion thoughts that run through my head from day to day. All of them make me sad. They're distant memories, things that should have been given up a long time ago. It's mistake after mistake that just replays through my head constantly. It's the thought of a person who stopped mattering to me a long long time ago. The saddest part of it all though is that even though my feelings towards all of these people are dead and gone, buried on bits of paper all over the place, I can still recall the way I felt. I can still bring it back for just a sliver of a moment and remember what it was like. And that hurts more than anything else. Being able to remember exactly how I felt, exactly how everything looked. It makes me want to die.

I hate the way I feel. I hate that I take up all this space in the world now. I've made all of these marks and now I can't erase them. I'm angry about that. I'm angry that I dug myself a hole six feet deep and four feet wide. I just wanted to be somebody. To feel something. I wanted to be in this world, present in everything I did. And during that process I screamed at the sky and wished on the stars that couldn't do anything for me. I closed my eyes and prayed to a God I wasn't sure existed for the longest time. I hoped that things would be okay for good. It was in vain though. In the end I ended up sadder than before and with more of a looming prescence than a peaceful one. I could see all of the ghosts of my fomer self doing what I had done and feeling how I had felt. It played out like a bad tv movie. Now all of the things I did so I could stay just backed me into a corner. And instead of finding escape, instead of getting out I'm now more stuck than ever.

I would rewind if I could. I would make different decisions. I would be a different person. I would make it so I never did what I did. Because now I have a bunch of loose ends that will never get tied. Now I have a handful of people who despise the very person I am. I've dumped all of my information on people who I don't speak to and now they're running around with the secrets that were supposed to be under lock and key until the day I died. Screw up doesn't even begin to describe what I am. I have monumentally ruined all of the relationships that mattered to me. I've run them into the ground and made sure to throw them away with both hands. I've worn them out and tossed them aside.

I want to forget , I want it all to go away. I'm tired of losing sleep over all of these things. I'm tired of my ghosts catching up with me. I'm so , so tired of watching myself in other people's eyes. I want to dissapear. I want all of the things I did to be forgotten by everybody. I'm so goddamn exhausted of carrying around a history of humiliation and screw ups on my back. I know though, that all of these things will be with me forever. I won't forget because I can't. I won't stop seeing my ghosts. I won't stop remembering what I've done and feeling humiliated over it. It will go on until the day I die. Memories never just leave. No one forgets.

I dug myself a hole six feet deep and four feet wide. All of the things that used to matter are buried in that hole. That hole is something that will never stop haunting me. I'm going to live the rest of my days remembering. If I could erase myself from this world I would do it in a heartbeat. I just want to be erased, to dissapear into thin air. To be forgotten. It breaks my heart every day to know that all of those marks I made won't go away. It breaks my heart to know that my mistakes will follow me around for an eternity.

I thought people were supposed to make flowers grow in the bad parts of your soul. I was so incredibly wrong. If you stumble into the wrong people weeds will root themselves inside of you. They will suffocate you and you will walk around with your whole world teetering on the edge of a cliff. The world won't take it easy and you'll always be forced to see who you are. Your ghost will lurk everywhere. You won't make it five feet before remembering it all. If you stumble into the wrong people you will spend every day after you say goodbye trying to forget. And every one of those days will be in vain.