Do you know how when you go to one of those privately owned gas stations, and you wait like five minutes for the old guy to notice your existence before he stumbles out into the parking lot to fill up your gas tank? You never say very much to the old guy except maybe "Hi," and "Here's the money." You just may never remember that little talk you had with the guy even if you come back the next day. This explains the kind of connection I have with my father. He's the customer and I'm the old fart filling up the gas tank. Unfortunately, my dad has changed a lot lately and it hasn't been a change for the better. I could easily blame this occurrence on many things but when in the middle of the night when I'm thinking about things like this, it always turns out the same way, my fault. I have no idea why either, I never did anything wrong but every time I look into his eyes all I can see is disappointment and frustration. In the past my father and I had a very strong relationship in but currently we don't have a connection at all. When I'm with him I feel insecure, like he's always inspecting me to do wrong.

To start, in the past, my dad and I had a very tight relationship. First, he listened to me when I had a problem and wanted to talk about it. I could tell him anything and he would give me advice. I talked to him about when my mom got a job and I was sad that she wouldn't be home as often, he kindly told me that it would be okay and explained to me that we needed the money. Secondly, he never judged me, my ideas, or beliefs. When I had a new interest he would never tell me it was bad or wrong. An example would be when I started to like this new band and he wouldn't tell me that their music was wrong or some kind of a crime. Another example would be the books I read, I love reading, sometimes he'd read to me. He would never tell me that this was not the kind of book I should be reading (Harry Potter). Thirdly, he was encouraging and he always acknowledged when I did well. He was always proud of me and wouldn't let me forget that I was a great daughter, too. He loved me a lot and I was one of his first priorities. In other words, my father was fun to be around, and we were really close.

Currently, my dad and I have basically no relationship with one another. To begin with, he acts uncaring, grumpy and mean. One reason is whenever he looks at my sister and I together you can see in his eyes that he isn't happy about it. He makes me sound like a horrible child, in his "jokes." For example, he'll joke around about me being lazy or running off with boys. In addition, I feel like he's always judging me. Watching me like a mall security camera. Next, he is always complaining about what I do wrong and never tells me what I do right. He always compares me to my oldest sister because he thinks she's perfect and that if I was more like her I'd be less of a disappointment. I know how she acts when he isn't around and I don't want to be two faced because i know that would just be another reason for him to yell at me. It seems almost as though he is always looking for something to yell at me for, that it makes him feel alittle better inside when I'm feeling worse then ever. He seems like he's disappointed, in whom I have become. Also, he treats me like I don't know right from wrong, left from right, just like a baby. When he tells me to do something he puts in really simple words and says every little detail about it like I wouldn't understand him. He treats me like every choice I have made is horrible. To wrap up, my dad has changed and I feel like he's a stranger to me.

Most importantly, the change has made me very insecure to be around him. For example, I find it very hard to talk to my father about anything. I can sit down and talk to him because he'll lecture me about how wrong it is. Another reason is, I find it hard to be alone with him because he will want to talk to me about how to live my life or stuff like that. I don't know what to talk to him about because I know it will make him mad or disappointed. Lastly, I feel if I wasn't in his life my dad would be a happier person. He's always telling me about how I'm not a young lady or how it's a bad think to be close to my mom. He makes my mother sound like a horrible person and yells at me for defending her. He has my brother doing it, too. He's got my brother thinking that it's really hard to talk to my mom about anything religious so he just hides it from her. I'm really close to my mom and it hurts me beyond believe to hear people talking and doing things behind her back. He always gives me looks that say he's not proud of me. I find it hard to even call him dad because I don't feel like he's even my dad anymore. In the end, he was my best friend and I'm afraid I lost him. Overall, I don't know who my dad is anymore I know as much about him as scientists know about the universe, not very much.

Hence, at one time my dad and I shared a close bond, but now I don't know who that man is in my life any longer. No matter, how hard I try I can't change it and every time I see him I feel like it's my fault. He makes me feel like it's my fault and whenever I try to tell him about he makes up some excuse and blames it on my mother. I try and try and I never make any progress I'm beginning to think it's a lost cause. That it's not possible for me to be close to my father like I was when I was little. People tell me "Oh it's really not that bad, I've gone through worse," but honestly they might be right but I'm not having a hay day either. All I can say is "Daddy, I miss you."