I knew his every move, his every word, when he woke, I knew everything about him. It’s easy to know everything about someone when you see them every day and they can’t hide secrets from you. I could check into my memory on the notes app that he has installed on me to see everything he has ever written on it. I knew his name, Owen Lemkuil, and that he lived in Brownsville, Wisconsin. I knew that he was 14 and his birthday was coming up in a few days. I knew who he talked to and what he wanted for his birthday. I knew everything about him. The only thing I didn’t know was how he was feeling. I can’t understand human emotions as I am just a phone. All I could do was sit there and watch. 

 The day was September 21 and he was writing a lot. He was writing about himself, though they were not good things. It seemed like he was feeling what Google says is self-conscious; he wrote about his body, his face, his feelings, and his actions. I used my cameras on both sides of the phone to look around the room; I couldn’t see much so I knew must be dark. The time displayed on my screen read 23:37. I could see the red light of his TV blinking methodically, over and over again. He had a red stuffed T. rex by him too given to him by his girlfriend. He talked to a contact listed as “Love of my life” so I assumed it was his girlfriend, almost all the time. He is even texting her right now. 

“I don’t feel well and I don’t know how to help it,” he told her.

“It’s okay, I’m here for you and I’m not going anywhere,” she reassured him. 

“I love you,” he replied.

I knew how much he loved her based on the writing on the notes app. He wrote about how much he didn’t want to lose her. He wrote about feeling bad and fear of what might happen because he worries about not being good enough for her. He wrote a lot about his dislike for himself. His girlfriend called him and then helped him as he explained to her how he was feeling. She took the time to reassure him, comfort him, and make him feel better. I was jealous as I wished that I was able to help him the way that she did. But I am just a phone. They stayed on the phone call through the whole night, sleeping on the call. When he woke up he checked his phone, it was 9:22, his girlfriend had ended the call, he messaged her to let her know that he was going to eat breakfast.

“Hiiii, good morning, I hope you slept well, I am going to make myself some eggs.”

“Hiiiii, good morning, okay, I love you, eat some good breakfast,” she replied.

He carried me in his pocket to the kitchen where I heard the fridge open and close with a thud and rattle of condiment bottles; I heard pans clanging and the stove turning on. I watched through the cameras as he cracked and mixed the eggs to make scrambled eggs. I wished I could taste what an egg was like, or salt and pepper. 

Owen plugged me in to charge and I realized the time was 10:28. I didn’t realize any time had passed, as my battery had died. He was on the notes app and writing a lot again; I checked the cameras, and his eyes were red from crying. In the notes app, he had written about how he was going to end it. He wrote about how he wasn’t good enough, and how he had failed at everything. He aggressively grabbed me, if I had a nervous system it would have hurt. I noticed we were moving to the bathroom. He turned on the lights and that’s when I saw his legs. There were large cuts, which I assumed he did to himself, dripping a deep crimson red. If I was able to smell it would smell strongly of blood.

I wanted to help him, but I couldn’t as I am just a phone. I heard the water running as he made an effort to somewhat clean the cuts to not get any infections. I feel a feeling of deep sorrow for not being able to help him. He opened the safari app and then looked up “How much of OTC drugs are fatal?” I couldn’t give him an answer as it was coded into my brain to give someone a suicide help hotline whenever anyone tried to look something like this up. I looked through the cameras and saw the pile of pills in his hand. I couldn’t do anything about it, I could just watch. All this time I was waiting for something to happen. He held them there for what seemed like an eternity, though it had only been a few minutes. I could see the little red ones which I recognized as Tylenol due to the writing on the sides. The others were all a mystery to me. I was just so confused. I couldn’t stop myself from slowing my processors to think.

“Am I good enough?” he asked his girlfriend.

“Of course you are, you are more than good enough,” she replied to him.

“I wish I could love myself more,” he replied after a long pause.

He must have thought about the decision he was about to make because he then put the pills down. He went back to his room and threw me hard at the bed. I felt the soft cushioning of his blankets catch me. He sat down on the floor, I assume, and I could hear him crying. His girlfriend started calling. I played his ringtone for him to hear, he only turned his ringer on for her so he knew it was her. It must’ve scared him for he answered hurriedly and sounded scared, his girlfriend talked to him for nearly an hour to calm him down. She reassured him and comforted him. They then both stayed on the call and went to sleep. When he woke up in the morning he didn’t feel as bad.

“How’re you feeling?” his girlfriend asked. 

“I’m feeling better than last night, thank you,” he replied.

“Of course,” she said back, reassuringly.

He went through the day, just lying down and scrolling through TikTok, talking to his girlfriend, and sleeping. He wrote about trying to like himself more, about accepting that his features are unique to him and there are things to like. He wrote some of the things that his girlfriend told him, like when she told him that he was special to her and that she didn’t want him to hurt.

It was 09:24 on September 25, Owen’s birthday and the room was dark. He went through the day not going on his phone much. He took me to a place called the Mineshaft where he and his family celebrated his birthday, He was texting his girlfriend though, and he told her, “I got mac and cheese to eat :)” 

“OMG LUCKY,” replied his girlfriend excitedly. 

After arriving back at his house, Owen called his girlfriend and went to sleep on the call with her. I looked through the cameras and saw the red TV light again, blinking and blinking repeatedly. In the notes app, Owen had written about how he had finally come to accept himself. He wrote that he was glad he didn’t end it all. He wrote that after everything, he was glad that he could finally love himself.