“No auntie!” Emmit cries as I take him into a bear hug and drown him with kisses. As I let go I can see a smile on his face, the smile that shows he is having fun and is truly enjoying himself. I get up off the carpet in the living room and start looking for my phone, it is suddenly very quiet and you know that if a toddler is quiet it means they are up to no good. I find Emmit in between the couches with my phone on camera mode taking pictures, I sit beside him nicely and pull him on to my lap. Where he gets excited and gives me the phone, I turn the camera on us and snap a picture of him mocking me. My blue-eyed boy is holding his mouth open in a state of shock trying to do what auntie does.

When I’m with my nephew this weird unknown emotion swarms over me. It feels like anxiety and it breaks my life down in my head by year. 4 years ago my grandmother passed away causing a small war to break out between my immediate family and my dad’s whole side. This war happened because of my dad’s sickness, he is an addict. Not only did I have to live this part of my life with my grandma passing but also my dad going into rehab. My mind was not on my family, it was trying to figure out if everything in my life was going to fall apart soon. My aunts didn’t care that they weren’t going to see us, but they did care if they saw my parents. When my mom brings up the topic of going over to see him I immediately think of how fun this is going to be with him and what his mood is like today. I try to see him as much as I can because my sister and I have very busy schedules. The feeling of having a family just disown you makes you have a multitude of emotions. I felt that I did something wrong when I did nothing but live my life, I was longing for a family-get-together on thanksgiving thinking that it gave everyone time to settle but I never got one. Having Emmit at the table with us on thanksgiving makes me happy to see we are starting new traditions. The reason that I value my relationship with family so much is because of this moment. No child should ever have to deal with the feeling of not being loved. I want to make a difference in my nieces and nephew’s lives, a positive difference. The kind that makes them come to you in the future and thank you for everything you did. I appreciate my one Aunt and Uncle that realized that my life doesn't have to be messed up because of my father. Them coming back and being in my life has changed my outlook on my dad's family in a positive way. When my sister was in the hospital with my nephew I had made it clear to myself that whatever I’m going to do in these next months because I didn’t know at the time if his life was going to end. He fought for his life and it makes me realize that if he is fighting I’m going to fight for him. I always wonder about his view of me and how he sees me. No matter what happens or how old he gets he will always be my blue-eyed boy. From the first time he was in my arms I knew that we were going to be partners in crime, I love being around for his monumental moments and It means everything for me to have a good relationship with my sister and brother-in-law. They are truly the best parents ever and I will always appreciate them.

My values in life I find are mostly based on what I have gone through. The negative memories always seem to be bolded in my brain. Like a big neon sign saying, “oh look at me.” These memories always seem to come with a life lesson that you can’t lose. I’m thankful for my values because they have designed me into a young lady and have pushed me in a direction I never would have been in if it weren’t for them. I give these moments a sense of life because they are me and my memories with my nephew. He will always have these stories to talk to me about and to remember me from. I hope to make sure my nephew never feels pushed away from me and I strive to show him how much he truly means.