I believe that all the events, moments, feelings, and memories I have experienced until this day have greatly shaped the person I became. Every misery and struggle have made wounds that with time have slowly become into scars, scars that will remain fresh in my memory until they day my existence is no more... 

I sometimes think about death, about what it means, to be honest it scares me to think that someday I will be forgotten, that my existence meant so little to the immensity of the world. I myself don’t know why I'm writing this, but I have learned that music, writing, and meaningless hobbies can help deal with the cruel reality of the world. I, like many of the people around me, am afraid to be judged by my ides, by my thoughts, to be laughed at and frowned upon. Perhaps when I am older, I will look back and think of how idiotic I was, but right now while writing this I only hope to express my thoughts, to find refuge from the world, and most importantly, from the dark thoughts that reside in my head. 

When I was a child I used to think of the world as full of possibilities, as a world where everybody can be truly and utterly happy. A world in which there was no line between right and wrong, but with time I have learned that humans are complex creatures. We as kids do not remember everything about our childhood, we remember fragments of memories, or only events that truly made a difference to us, events that created a disruption in our world, an event that made time stop only for us. The first time this happened to me was when my father abandoned me and left me, my brother, and my mother, who was no more than a teenager who was burdened by the responsibility of having to raise two kids when she herself wasn’t an adult yet. I remember everything about that day.... My confusion as to why the man I loved most in the world, the person I looked up to, suddenly decided to abandon our family for the option of having better life. I suppose my father too was too young and scared with responsibility. 

After that I think that was the first time my world stopped, it shattered, and my first scar was carved in my body. We went to live with my mother’s family, the sudden absence of my father changed my mother too, she became bitter and all her innocence was gone. She started saying how my father was trash, garbage, and a few words that a kid such as myself at that time shouldn’t have heard. I looked for comfort in my brother, however, my brother was the type of boy who shields their emotions inside and distracts themselves from the world. My childhood was not the easiest, I lived in a city where poverty was everywhere, where the only hope a kid had was to get the hell out of there while they still could. My mother’s family where the nicest family I could have asked for, they tried to give me and my brother all the love they could, but no matter what they did i still felt empty, like something was missing. With no one to talk to about my feelings I repressed them inside of myself and ignored them. 
The next moment in my life when it was as though time had stopped was when the reason it stopped the first time came back. My father is in no means a cruel man, he tried his best to be the best version of himself he could be, however, that version wasn’t enough. I was still a child, when I saw my father that I hadnt seen in years of course I forgave him and continued on ignoring his betrayal. Unfortunately, that wouldn’t be the last. I suppose unintentionally many of my scars come from my father. It is funny how sometimes the people who don’t want to hurt us cause the most damage.  

I had learned that he came back but not permanently, he had started a new life in Florida, somewhere where he started without kids and no wife. When he had to go back, I remember how I cried as if my tears would fill up the whole ocean. I remembered after my father left, I saw my brother playing with his computer, which we were so lucky to have, I asked him why he wasn’t crying, wouldn’t he miss our father too? He answered that playing was his distraction against the world, and that was the first time I learned something from my big brother. 

A few years later my father visited me again, he told us that we would stay with our cousins while he was here, my brother and I had to share a room with an older cousin which was around 15 years old, I was 6 when another scar appeared. Our cousin deprived me and my brother of our innocence, he touched us shamelessly, he is the cause of many of my traumas today. My father chose to ignore this and said his own children were making stuff up, he would rather please strangers than protect his own children. This is not the end of this story for my cousin would still continue to haunt me a few years later. 

When I was 8 years old my mother, my brother and I moved with my dad to his house in Florida, this was a big move for us, it was a change from poverty to a good life with wifi and all you could eat buffets. I started school a few months later, me being shy didn’t really fit in, this is when my social awkwardness began. Then two years later when I finally had friends and became adjusted to my new lifestyle my father created yet another scar... 

My mom, me were going to Kmart to buy some clothes and such , I remember she parked and started saying something to me, she told me of how my father was cheating on her, how he wanted a divorce, she burst in tears and once again I had to act like an adult. I suppressed my tears and hugged her; I told her everything would be okay. Then she told me to tell my brother because she wasn’t strong enough to do it. I had to act strong for my mother but I still remember all the nights I spent crying myself to sleep. I had suspected that my parents might split up, after all they fought constantly in front of my brother and I, attacking one another verbally and seeing which one could make the most damage to the other. 

My mother got half custody of us and everything went as well as It could for us. We moved and i started going to a new school. Everything was going well until he came.  
At that time, I was living with my father in the weekends, he had invited the cousin which had inflicted so much damage in my life to live with us for a while. I was not surprised to see he hadn't changed, he kept harassing me only this time it was only to me and not to my brother. I kept quiet scared of what the reactions of my family might have been, In fact I kept quiet for 2 years, after all my cousin moved after two months of living with my father. He was no longer in my life, however, he had created a wound deeper than any of the ones I had before, even to these days when I get depressed, when I am by myself all alone I remember the things he did and I get truly disgusted with myself for not having stopped him. Of course, he still had a major impact on my life after that, it was like he was a ghost haunting me for eternity.  
A year later I was laying in bed thinking, I thought that I could tell my mother now, that nothing would happen to him. This is something that bothers me greatly about myself and my personality, even if he deserved hell, I would still feel bad for him. I told my mother naively thinking that nothing would happen, the series of events that happened next would be something that I had not expected at all. 

My mother, who I hoped would comfort me and tell me everything would be okay, went out crying out of the house, she was deeply hurt that I didn’t trust her enough to tell her, but the thing that hurt me the most was that she called me weak event though when this happened I was merely a child. She called my father and told him of what happened, he was worse than my mother. He called me and he yelled at me, he told me he was coming over to talk to me and that if I was lying it would have consequences. Now I truly felt alone, my mother thought I was weak, my father called me a liar, and my brother as always kept his feeling hidden away from the world. 

My father came over and he apologized for not believing me and then for the first time in my life I saw my father cry. I would have forgiven him if only he had not said the next words, “your cousin was only a child, he didn’t know what he was doing”.  

It hurt me that he defended him, the boy who still haunts my nightmares, who made me feel weak and powerless. He forgot that I was also a child, a child who needed her father to be there for her, but I am weak towards my family so I simply hugged him and nodded. That day was the day I have cried the most in my life until now, it is as if time had stopped again, I only hoped that time would cure my wounds and scars. 

It is funny how time stops for one person while it goes on for the others, I truly believe that if I didn’t have my friends with me at that time, I would have ended my life. All these events in my life have left me broken.... at times I feel numb, empty, emotionless. I felt at times useless, ugly, powerless, broken... 
I do believe that because of all these events that have happened throughout my life I can appreciate the happy moments in life, the ones where all I want to do is smile. Even though my father keeps making mistakes, my mother acts more like my sister than my own mother, I am losing a friend, my mother’s family only cares about money now, and more. 

I try to see the silver linings of life, the rainbow after the rain, the sun after the storm, I try to enjoy all things that make me happy. This story is not for people to take pity on me, it is so that hopefully people could learn from my story if there is anything to learn. After all life is a roller-coaster of ups and downs, so we have to enjoy the moments in which we are happy. I am going to be fifteen next march, even though I am young I had suffered from things throughout my life, I know that there are people who have had it worse than me, so I know that those girls or boys who suffer from the hardships of life can smile and continue moving through. 

Thank you for reading.