"I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up"

Those were the words. Those were the words that meant the world to me. That song played in my head everyday. He told me he would never give up, but soon enough... No. He told me that was our song and those words described us in every way. I agreed- it was perfect for us, but yet again, soon enough... No.
It all started on April 15th, 2012- I meet my first love. He was tall, had brown hair, deep brown eyes, just like mine. He wore a black tee shirt with tan kakis and we were heading to a surprise birthday party on the lakefront. We had been texting for about 2 weeks and getting the chance to actually meet him put butterflies to my stomach.    We hung out the whole party and of course, took the classic 8th grade awkward picture. But before I left, he asked me the question that changed everything- if I would be his girlfriend.
Summer came, we were still dating, happily contained in our innocent, 8th grade relationship. He told me something that really shocked me, that he was leaving for 2 weeks to go to a religious away camp in Missouri called Kanakuk. Those two weeks were extremely long and dreadful, but I was jubilant when he arrived home. Our 6 month anniversary quickly popped up and it was the same day as his Golden Birthday. We went to dinner with his sister and her boyfriend and I was thrilled because it was our first official dinner date.
              The big day came into play... Our one year. I was wondering what he would do and if he would make it special for us- he did. He had his sister drive us somewhere that I was not allowed to know of. It was the lakefront. She dropped us off on some random block and told us to call her when we are ready to leave. Still a little confused, I  followed him to wherever he was walking me. He stopped on the corner of a street and asked if I knew where we were. It looked familiar to me, but I couldn't think of what it was exactly. He looked at me and told me that this was the exact place he asked me out a year ago from that day. My heart was pounding out of my chest and the only thing I was thinking was 'damn he did good'. He then reached into his pocket and handed me a paper. I, confused as always, looked at him and asked what it was. He just nodded his head and told me to open it. I did as he said and opened up a piece of paper numbered 1-10. I looked up, puzzled and a little concerned. He then explained to me that the numbers are for me to write down ten things I wanted us to do in our next year together. Oh my god! What! My feelings were unexplainable. I felt like a princess, without a doubt. We then walked down the lakefront and found a little restaurant and ate. His sister called in the middle of dinner and told us that something popped up and it would be a while until she could get us. All I was thinking was 'oh lordy... it's freezing, I'm without a sweater, and we are stuck here for probably another 2 hours'. I was worried we were going to run out of things to do, but then again... I was with him. We left dinner, walked around, and eventually found a swing to rest on. We sat, listening to the waves crash onto the cement wall until... I had to pee. At this point, we were no where near any restrooms, so we began making our way back to where our night started. He looked over at me, grabbed my hand, and ran. The wind was piercing my skin but blowing my hair back. It felt like a movie- I was running along the lakefront, holding my boyfriend's hand, it was our one year. Nothing could go wrong, right? ...No.
              Summer of 2013 was there before we knew it, which meant Kanakuk was approaching. Strangely, he decided the throw the end of the year party at his house and every single person in our grade was there. It was a big night for all of us. All my friends came and got ready at my house and had my mom drop us off. When the night came to an end, I remembered that I only had a few more days left with him. We made use of those day like no other and hung out every moment we could get. But... Eventually it was time to go. We spent his last day at the mall, buying last minute things for his trip. But just like every other thing, it had to come to an end. His sister pulled up to my house and we both hopped out the car and proceeded to my foyer. Right when we got in the house, he looked at me for a good 5 seconds and then hugged me. Hugged me differently than any other time- it was the most meaningful hug I had ever received. Before I knew it, he pulled away, looked down at me, and had tears rushing down his face. I asked him what was wrong and all he could say was that he needs this trip more than he can explain, but leaving me here wondering, is going to hurt him just as bad. I told him to go. Go and have fun on your trip. You said you needed it, so go. I'm going to miss you, but I know you need to do this for yourself. He looked at me, tears still flowing, leaned over, kissed my forehead and said he loved me. Then before I could even say anything, he was gone. He left my house, got in the car, went to bed, woke up, got on his plane, and he was gone. Two weeks. Everything will be okay while he's away... Everything is going to be the same, right? ...No.

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             Two weeks later... he was home. I was ecstatic to see him. He invited me over right when he got home. I went over, of course, but right when I saw him... something was different. I couldn't put my finger on it, so I just looked past it and enjoyed his company. Approximately two days had passed, and he asked me if he could come to my house to see me. I was a tad confused, but told him sure and that we would pick him up on our way home from my aunts house. He told me not to worry about picking him up, he would just ride his bike to my house. Now, I was extremely concerned because I lived a good 3 miles away. I arrived home and told him he could come over whenever he was ready. He was at my house within 30 minutes of me texting him. He was different. Really different. He made a point to talk to each of my family members. Held a 30 minute conversation with my parents and hung out with my brothers for at least an hour. At this point, I couldn't help but question what was going on. He finally took a moment away from my family and asked if we could go talk outside. We sat on my swing in the yard and I just looked at him waiting to speak. He couldn't say it. He was stuck. Whatever he had in mind to say was bouncing off the walls of his head and wouldn't allow him to speak. He finally sat down, grabbed my hands, looked deeply into my eyes, and began to say something. He spoke the words of disaster. The words of pain. The words that told me goodbye. He told me he was different and that Kanakuk has changed him. He loved me to the ends of the earth, but I'm getting in the way of him and God. I am holding him back from being the best Christian he could be. And he can't do that. I had nothing to say. I couldn't even look at him. I just cried. Cried harder than I had ever before. He just kept talking, but at this point, I couldn't listen- it was going in one ear and out the other. This went on for a good 10 minutes until he began standing up. I could feel him looking at me, but not knowing what to do. He reached one hand down under my face, near my chin, and pushed it up. He looked me in the eyes, told me he loved me, and began going in for a kiss. I ripped his grip from under my face and drowned myself in the palms of my hands, not knowing what to do. He picked my head up and began to move closer. I thought he was going in, to kiss me again, but no. He grabbed the sides of my face and gave me the most gentle kiss on my forehead. At this point, my tears were unbearably painful to release. I tried to look at him through my swollen eyes, but he was already to the door. He was gone. That was it. We were done forever.
             My mother waited until he was completely gone and gave me 10 minutes to see if I could get myself together. She walked outside and I was gasping for air. My tears were taking over my whole body and I felt effortless. She asked what had happened and I explained what I got from it. She asked me what I said back to him and I told her nothing. She looked at me, puzzled, and asked of I wanted to go speak to him again. I didn't know what to say. Of course I wanted to see him and try to fix the problem, but I knew he wouldn't budge. It was over. My mom then went inside, grabbed my phone, handed it to me, and told me to call him. I did as she said and asked him if I could come over to talk.
             I pulled up at his house, still drowning in my tears. We sat on his front porch and began to speak. I told him how I was confused you could drop someone, after dating for... for... 15 months. I looked at him and began crying. I could tell he was confused to why those emotions all of a sudden hit me but that day was our anniversary. That day we made 15 months. I could tell he felt disgusted in himself for picking that day to do all of this. He asked me to come upstairs to his room. I did so. He brought me into his bathroom and laid out all of his alcohol. He opened each and every one the bottles and poured them out. He looked at me and told me that that is how much he loved God. The one thing he was addicted to, he is throwing away for God. I was confused on how that related to me, but he then explained. He told me that you need to make sacrifices for the people you love. He needed to sacrifice me for God. We then talked for about an hour and everything changed. He told me he was willing to work everything out and try to make it possible for us to stay together. Would that last long? ...No.
               We dated for 2 more weeks- everything was great. We went to the zoo together, had little dates here and there, made stupid memories, but that had come to an end not too long after. He called me one evening, sounding a little disturbed. I had the same feeling about the phone call that I did that day he came over. Something was wrong. He told me he couldn't do it. We couldn't be together. I was the one thing left of him that was pulling him away from God. He loved me, but I was too much for him. All I was thinking of during the phone call was what we had. All those love letters he would give me for every anniversary. All of those candlelit dinners he could randomly set up for me. All of those plays he would bring me to. All of those walks around the block when we would goof around and not have a care in the world. All of those times he would try to make me jump the fence to the football field at midnight. All of those kisses on the forehead. All of those daily kisses goodbye... All of those I love you's. So what am I left to think now? You told me you would never give up. Were you right? ...No.

"I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up"