Going through mental health issues has been a significant event that I have experienced and witnessed in my life. I have witnessed close friends going through many phases of mental health problems throughout the span of many years. I met Zach in kindergarten, who was a close childhood friend I have known for over a decade now. I met him in kindergarten and was in a small special education class with him throughout all of elementary school. This small class contained fewer than twenty students and it marked the very start of my friendship with Zach. He brought light into my life and became my best friend. I reunited with him in middle school but sadly parted ways as we transitioned to high school though we still remained really close friends. 

It was during high school where I began to view him as more like a brother figure rather than just a close friend. I was an only child growing up and he has been part of a majority of my life, so after a while we started getting used to calling each other “brother” and it stayed that way ever since. It was during middle school through many chats and online calls with him that I realized something was really off. Zach began to suffer from frequent mood swings, he was sad and alone all the time and isolated himself from everyone. 

He was eventually diagnosed with depression and would lock himself in his room almost all the time. He felt distant from his relatives and parents and I was the only person he frequently talked to for comfort. He depended on me and needed me, I was willing to do anything to make him feel better. Along with his depression, he also suffered from an identity crisis, which was something that significantly contributed to his depression. Something he would frequently tell me was how much he wanted to be a boy. 

“Jason? Can I tell you something?” Zach asked me suddenly after a moment of silence. I’ve noticed our conversations have recently become long, we exchanged long paragraphs of text with long hours of silence in between.

“Sure of course, you can talk to me about anything.” I responded with concern.

He would tell me how much he hated his name and how much he hated being called “her” or a “girl”. He changed his name but continued to face struggles with his mental health, struggles with depression, gender dysphoria and being discriminated against by our other friends who didn’t know any better. His deteriorating mental health, his depression and his identity crisis all came down to one thing and one thing only… he was transgender. 

Zach and I shared many things in common. We would hop onto Discord and call each other almost every day after school to play games, compose music and solve Rubik’s Cubes. Things used to be great back then and there were so many memories we made together.

“Yooo I got a sub-20!” Zach exclaimed when he solved his cube, stopped the timer and looked at his time. 

We would be sitting in the lunchroom during lunch period solving Rubik’s Cubes everyday breaking personal records. When we got home we would call and play Minecraft together.

“Hey, let's build a house together!” I said to him as the day began to set and the night began to dawn on us. 

I would describe our middle school days as being quite freeing, joyful and happy. But it wouldn’t be long until things weren’t… so joyful and happy. Because me and Zach were so close, we were able to sense each other’s emotions. During one of our chats I could sense that he would feel sad and upset all of a sudden. I was already aware that he was a very sensitive person, but this time things were different. He used to be so excited, so full of energy, and so happy. But this was only the calm before the storm…

I was at my grandma’s place after school, every day when school was over I would eat lunch at my house and walk with my grandma to her place until my mom picked me up during the evening. I heard a discord notification suddenly pop up on my screen from Zach.

“Hey best friend, how are you doing?” I was preparing to ask him but paused short when I saw what he had to say.

“Jas, I’m feeling really off right now…” 

“Oh no… can you tell me what’s going on? Are you okay?” I responded with concern hoping that my best friend was okay.

“I feel… discouraged, I don’t feel interested in doing anything anymore… I feel burnt out.” He said as he began pouring out his emotions.

“My world feels dull, all I see is black and white, I don’t see color, all I see is darkness…” 

I couldn’t speak, I struggled to speak. All I could do was watch as his sentences became paragraphs letting out all his emotions. He talked about everything he had to suffer through, his perspective on life, and it all started to make sense when I saw what he had to say next.

“I… I just want to be a boy.” Zach finally said, gathering up all his courage and strength to tell me during the peak of our conversation.

“Really? Do you really want to be a boy?” I asked him, still struggling to come up with ways to comfort him.

“Everything right now just doesn’t feel right…” Zach explained.

“I don’t feel right in the body I’m in, I don’t feel right with what I have to live with… I hate my name, I hate everything about myself… I just… I don't know what to do.”

I’ve always had a hard time digesting information, I’ve always had a hard time understanding what others had to say. Zach’s words echoed through my mind, it stayed there… 

“I… I just want to be a boy.”

What could I do? I wanted to help my best friend, I wanted to be there for him, I wanted to love him no matter what. I couldn’t just sit there and do nothing, what if I was in his position? how would I feel? 

But even with being suddenly faced with all this information, even when faced with everything my best friend had to go through, all the pain, all the darkness and pressure all at once, I knew I had to comfort him no matter what. 

“Hey… everything's gonna be okay alright? Everything's gonna be okay…” I responded trying to comfort him the best that I could.

“You really think so?”

“Mhm, I’ll always be there for you okay? I’ll always be there for you every step of the way, we can do this.”

“Thank you Jas, thank you for always being there for me, I’m glad everything is going to be okay. I really hope it will be.”

There would be many days where this same situation unfolds. Many days where Zach would have mood swings and let out his pain and frustration to me and I would try to comfort him and make him feel better. I could tell I had a big impact on him. As his depression worsened he started becoming more distant towards everyone. He was distant from his parents, his relatives and his family. But whenever he had to let out his struggles and pour out his emotions he’d always come to me… he needed me and depended on me. He was going through the darkest times of his life and I swore to be by his side every step of the way.

It was dark out, the sun was setting and I opened up discord again. Zach was going through another mood swing and as I listened and comforted him, the darkness of the room I was in foreshadowed what I would encounter next.

“I feel… so alone, I feel isolated from my family, isolated from my relatives, the only person I have is you Jas, I need you…” He said.

I could feel his tone, I could feel his emotions, I could hear his voice as if he was silently crying in pain.

“You are never alone… I’m here for you, I know you need me. I'm here okay?.. I’m here… I’ll always be here for you.” I responded.

He then sent me a photo of him, sitting, locked in his room. The room was dark, with the lights turned off. He was sitting there, alone, his face was expressionless, emotionless. His eyes were dull, it looked like he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t bring himself to talk about his view of the world to anyone. His world that he viewed as full of darkness, with the bright vivid colors being washed out by black and white, he struggled to see colors, everything was dull.

“This is me.” He began.

“This is how I am doing… this is how I am… this is how I feel. I don’t feel like myself in this body. I hate my body… I hate it so much… I don’t want to live like this, I don’t think I want to even live.”

“No no no please don’t think that way!” I worriedly responded, feeling uneasy.

“We will figure this out, we can take this slow, I’m really sorry that you feel this way about yourself and view yourself this way… I’m really sorry.”

“No it’s okay Jas, I’ve just been feeling so off and insecure recently, I just wanted to let it all out.”

“I know you have been struggling so much, you are going through a lot, try to get some rest and relax okay? It’s going to be okay.” 

“Okay, I will try to relax, thank you so much for comforting me, you’re the best friend ever :).”

“Mhm of course, and so are you :).”

It felt good that I was able to make Zach feel loved and comforted, only… that moment of comfort wouldn’t last for long. As in the days that passed by I would see Zach sitting next to me in the lunchroom with scratches and cuts on his hand. He would show me where he cut himself, where he made himself bleed, and those cuts would eventually become lines of scars on his hand. He was turning emotional stress into physical harm. His self harm continued to worsen, it went from his hands to his arms and up to his shoulders and everyday I would see more and more scars on his body…

“Please… you have to stop harming yourself, please don’t hurt yourself!” I begged.

“I… I just can’t help it! I just have to… it’s the only way to relieve the pain, I hate my body, I hate the way I look, I hate everything about myself!” He exclaimed.

“I know you can’t help yourself, there must be some other way we can redirect this pain. I’m really sorry I couldn’t be there in person with you comforting you, I really wish I was.”

“No it’s okay, I really wish you were here with me as well.”

“Is there anything I can do right now that can make you feel better?” I asked.

“Just you being here talking and listening to me makes me feel better, thank you so much for everything :).” 

“Of course no problem, anything for my best friend :).” 

After some time Zach decided he was ready to let out how he has been feeling to our other friends, since I was one of the only people he told this to. He talked about all the things that he told me and sent it to the group chat. We waited, long hours of silence. It didn’t take long for thoughts of doubt and insecurity to fill our minds.

What if they rejected what Zach had to say?

What if they grow resentful?

What if they aren’t understanding?

What if they-

“Jas…” Zach called to me slowly, in a worrying voice.

“Yes?.. What’s wrong?” I responded, growing uneasy.

Zach showed me a message that he got on his dms from one of our friends. The message was really long and it was spammed multiple times, it was really discriminatory against Zach and his depression.

“How… how could they do this to me?...” Zach cried out.

“I put all my strength, all my courage into letting out my depression to others… and this is what I get in return?...”

“I’m… I’m really sorry it turned out this way.” I responded feeling really bad for him.

“I really don’t get how they could say such a thing, how could they do this? This is a real and genuine issue you are going through right now, you are going through so much, you don’t deserve this at all!”

“Maybe… maybe I’m just worthless… maybe no one cares about me, maybe I’ll forever be alone. Maybe I do deserve all this.” Zach blurted out silently.

“No you don’t! Don’t say that!” I exclaimed.

“You don’t deserve this at all! I care about you. I care so much about you… you will never be alone, I’ll always be here for you.”

“I feel like I isolated myself from everyone.” He began.

“I feel like I built walls around myself, not letting anyone in, not even my own parents, my own relatives. I can’t reach them, even when they are right there next to me I just can’t! I can’t bring myself to tell them what has been happening to me, I can’t bring myself to tell them that I’m suffering… I feel helpless… hopeless…”

“You’ll have to tell them eventually.” I tried to persuade him.

“You’ll have to tell them what’s going on, it’s going to be really hard and there will be many steps to take but you can’t hold all of this in forever. You can’t bottle up all of your emotions forever… one way or another they will have to come out…”

“Okay… I’ll try.” He responded doubtfully.

We went back and forth talking about this for hours. During many days it was a routine of Zach’s depression taking over his emotions and me trying my best to comfort him telling him everything was going to be okay. This was also the first time that the term “transgender” was brought up. Zach really wanted to be seen as a boy, he knew he wanted to change his identity and his gender, but this was the first time that we linked what he was going through to a real scientific term. He was transgender. His depression, self harm and identity crisis were all part of his struggle to come out.

Zach’s name was one of three names that he asked me and another close friend to choose from. He originally liked the name Iassc, but then debated between Zach and Damian. We all agreed that Zach would fit him better so that became his new name.

Eventually Zach’s depression got better, he went to therapy and updated me on it from time to time. It’s been 3 years now, Zach hasn’t fully recovered from his depression and still suffers from it to this day. However I can say that it has gotten better compared to the extremity of pain he experienced all those years ago. He is constantly fighting his depression everyday and though he still has his dark moments, he has seen some happier ones too.

“I’m proud of you brother, and I always will be :).”