It went on for a really long time. I don’t really remember when it started, but I think it went on for three years. I couldn’t remember what it was like to be happy. Really happy. I was really depressed. I guess the reasons were kind of personal. Everyone goes through different things and takes things differently; I guess I just took it worse than most...
Yeah. I attempted suicide, I don’t know, maybe 21 times. I always tried, then I’d freak out and stop myself. I was so scared to go, so scared to stay. I don’t know why I did it, it just kind of happened. Impulse...
It was really hard at school, cause I was gone so much. Every time I start to go downhill, my parents would take me to the hospital and they would keep me there for three or four weeks to make sure I didn’t do anything to myself. Being gone for so long made people look at me differently I guess. I wasn’t Mae anymore. I was the suicidal girl. Those few friends I did make weren’t the friends I wanted, friends I needed. I couldn’t really tell them everything I needed to tell them. There was never anyone I could talk to about my feelings. It was really bad during those years...
I’d always fake a smile everywhere and keep my feelings bottled up inside. It was hard for me to express them, hard to tell people what was really going on in my life. In those three years, I felt most alone...
The internet became a place where I could put on a fake mask. Chat rooms, Facebook, YouTube, they were all just places I could show off the Mae I wanted to be, not the Mae I really was. I would look back at posts and videos I’d put up days before and be jealous of the girl on the screen. I wanted to be her so bad...
I remember all the medications I took. I had antidepressants, bipolar medication, so many. I had some of the strongest medication on the market and they were really bad for me. I had to go to the hospital every week and get my blood tested to make sure there was not too much metal in my blood...
I think going through all that really changed my perspective on life. I’m obviously not happy that it happened to me, but I’ve accepted it and moved on and I am trying to make it a positive in my life. I’ve learned that you should never give up hope and never give in. It sounds really cliche, but it’s true. I’ve been to a lot of schools and hospitals to talk to teens going through the same things I was and I always tell them to have hope and never give up. I think it’s important for them to see someone like me, someone who’s recovered, to give them hope and let them know that is is possible to recover. I never want anyone to go through what I did and I want everyone who currently is to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, they just have to keep walking.