I'm going to take a guess that more than half of you have absolutely no idea what "spoonerism" is whatsoever, but that's why I'm here, to tell you all of the things you don't know because I know all of them of course.

Spoonerism is the act of following around a random person with absolutely no significance to you, all day and awkwardly spooning them while standing up.

Spoonerism doesn't appear to be a very complicated activity, but believe me it is. There are many factors that come into play that I'm positive you don't know about, once again let me enlighten you.

Like I said before you need to focus on a single target with no significance to you and like I said you must follow them around, but what I didn't mention is that you must make awkward eye contact every time you see them. This will be extremely uncomfortable for you and most likely for them as well. The most important part about the awkward stare down, is that you cannot, I repeat cannot let your spooning target know that they are your spooning target, because they will run, and you will not catch them, believe me you wont because finding out that you are someone's secret spooning target has got to be the single creepiest piece of news someone could receive.

After the stare down, you'll have to choose an appropriate place to spoon, and don't use the bathroom because then they'll think you're trying to be... you know, weird, and you're not trying to be... weird. I find that the place that is most appropriate is a nice corner or in front of an open locker.

Next, make sure you smell like chocolate raspberries because that's just a really nice smell and people probably like nice smells I don't know.

Lastly, when you're in the clear, your spooning target is safely at the appropriate spooning atmosphere, and they're facing the opposite direction from where you're standing, slowly go in for the spoon.

Now I must warn you, your spooning target is going to be extremely freaked out, and they're going to react in three of three different ways. They are going to scream, they are going to spit in your eye, and they are going to call the cops. Obviously the dribble that was just spit in your eye is the worst part of your target's reaction but police come as a close second. Once the police arrive at the scene they're probably going to take you down to the station and ask you a few questions, and when they do you're probably going to reply with "It was only the harmless act of spoonerism, officer," but when you say that, you're going to see an extremely puzzled look upon that officers face and you're going to find out that spoonerism is not at all what I just told you. Spoonerism is in fact the transportation of initial words, usually by accident, as in a blushing crow for a crushing blow.

What you have just done is something far more ghoulish, and I think is some form of harassment. You're probably going to jail, sorry, and now that you smell like delicious chocolate raspberries in jail, good things probably wont happen to you.