I made myself believe that I somehow made a concious choice whether to be born or not. Even more, I had chosen to be born in this exact family, at this exact time, at this exact place of the earth, and in this exact gender. Does that even matter? What matters even?
I do not think that each being is appearing here to fullfil some sort of a purpose. The world, or the universe, or everything around is too random and just is unimaginably s*** to understand or put it into words, that a simple matter of each being having a purpose to exist is too simplistic. Maybe it is all just random. And all the social rules, morals, laws and values are just a crap, a mere attempt to organize the chaos, the material which this all has appeared from. I do not know what to do now, nor shall ever know, I guess. Everything is too humanized, or explained or complicated, or simplified, or is expressed by or with some combination of letters. It feels crappy, and sounds crappy too. I do not want to be educated by this mass claiming that I should or must do something, or be taught things they say they have proven, and are certain. I do not want to obey this stupidly executed and written laws and rules, morals and values, created by different groups of morons trying to bring peace and love to this world (they mean the Earth planet), the aforementioned chaos-organizers. I want to do what I want to do now. I want to do the thing which comes from my tiptoes and goes directly to my heart, or mind, or soul, whatever it is, now. I do not want to plan my next week, next month, next year, or next life, or next day, or next hour. I do want to live the way I want from all my inners. Neither do I want to care for people, simply because I should or because it was done before and considered nice and right in the society. I want to care for people, just because I want it myself. I do not want to become a part of this economic run: buy-and-sell, money-and-sex, earn-and-spend. I do not want to have a job or a profession, in those meanings which people understand these words. I want to do the activity which I want to and feel passion (however people understand) and love for what I want to do. I do not want to kill animals, nor any beings, either homo sapiens or other types of beings, neither the planet itself, nor conqeur any other planet or star, nor utilize wisely the universe or suns, or galaxies. I want to do what I want to do now. Yes, I may well harm you and anybody, or do bad things (whatever your understanding of bad thing is), but anyway it happens, look around, it still is here, right next to you: a killing, a robbery, a raping, something else. I presume that these things happen because we do limit ourselves - we put borders. We say that we should have only a normal sex, but right out of this limitation many types of abnormal sex appear and prosper.
We are and I am a part of nature. Nature is not ever limited, it, just as the universe or anything around, changes, expands, crashes, dies and lives. And limiting ourselves is not natural. I want to be natural. I am a part of nature. I have appeared as a piece of it, and will perish into it, back again, into the earth. I feel that you, people, try to limit yourself, and either you step onto me, and my life here. I do not want to be limited. Because when limited, a natural organism dies.