TW // suicide attempt, self-harm

Have you ever felt like you don’t belong? Or felt worthless? Me too. Unfortunately my story is not an easy one to tell. Saturday night around 8:25 at night as we come back from grocery shopping my mom asks me to put groceries away. I put everything away as I was told, I put the last item in the pantry and just closed the pantry door. ‘’GET BACK HERE!’’ shouted my mom. I go back and just stand there and she’s screaming at me about slamming the door. ‘’I never slammed the door ma it was the glass inside the recycling bag that we have on here’’ I said. I start walking away and I feel a pull. My mom's hands are on my shoulder. I keep walking and go to my room. She stands there and keeps talking about how we never want to do anything and we’re always lazy. I try getting on my phone and she takes it away and smacks me. Tears start running down my cheeks. ‘’10, 9, 8, 7…’’ I said. I don’t feel so good my head is throbbing, I feel light headed. ‘’What do you need me to count with you’’ says my mom sarcastically. What made her so mad? What did I do wrong this time? I said as I glanced at the scissors on my desk. As she walks off I get off from my bed and grab the scissors. I look at my wrist and without a second thought I close my eyes. I opened them and I did it. Cherry red blood is coming out. I’m scared. What have I done to myself? I hear my dad come out of his restroom. He comes to my doorway and asks me what happened. As scared as I was I show him my wrists and tell him ‘’I don't know why I did it I’m so sorry.’’ He grabs my wrists and cleans them and tells me I shouldn’t have done that regardless ‘’I love you my little one you can't leave me’’ he said. He comes to sit next to me and talks to me to calm me down. I keep breathing heavenly. He’s still massaging my wrists as I tell him how I can't feel my hands. He sits there with me for a good 45 minutes and I just cry on his shoulder. He tells me to disinfect them so they don’t get infected, as I’m walking out of the bathroom I hear someone call my name. I go outside and it’s my mom. Do I really want to have a conversation with her right now? She is the least person I want to see right now. I can't be selfish so I walk out with her. ‘’Why’d you do that mija?’’‘’You know we love you so so much, you have a purpose here, I’m sorry I know I went far.’’ she said. I didn’t know what to say to her. I was still upset with her. ‘’You have little siblings that look up to you, you can’t let them down just like that’’ she said. I couldn’t hold my tears back. What she said was heartbreaking but true. “I’m so sorry mom, I know I’m not the best daughter, and I know that I can be a HUGE pain in the butt most of the time, but I’m not perfect. I’m trying though I promise I am’’ I said to her with tears rolling down my cheeks. ‘’You’re the best daughter ever, but you do have your days where it’s like okaaaay calm it down now’’ she said. We giggled. She grabbed my hands and told me how sad it made her. She kissed them and told me to make sure to disinfect the cuts daily. To this day I still have the scars on my wrists. They’re not noticeable but you can see them if you focus on them. Why am I telling you this story? You may be asking yourself, well it’s not for attention or for any of you to feel bad for me. I simply know that there are SO SO many other teenagers that have gone through something similar or worse, and I want you to know that you are not alone! And you do belong here. You and I both have a purpose here. We may not know what it is yet but we all have a purpose, and the way I see it is, ‘Take advantage of it because there are so many others that couldn’t be born and us that were born we should take advantage of that huge privilege that we got.’ I like sharing this story with people because it’s one of my biggest ‘SCAR’ stories, I have many others. But like I said, this is something so common and I like to know that after people read my story they see they aren't the only ones. A lot of people go through things, everyone has different circumstances but we all go through things. And to whoever is reading this right now, you are not alone! You belong! And there is always help out there, don't be scared to reachout. Your mental health matters, you matter!! And just like my dad told me ‘’You can’t leave this earth with dreams, leave with memories instead.’’ 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) any time day or night. Or visit their website https://988lifeline.org/