Lithium 

“Vidia! Don’t go that high, you’re going to get yourself hurt!” I was growing impatient. 

“But Mommy! I’m four years old, I’m a big girl. I can do it!” We were at the park, but the big kid side of the park. It was starting to warm up outside, Warren was the type of place with really bipolar weather.
“Come on Vidia, time to go home.” I was beginning to get so cold my fingers were growing numb. I don’t understand how kids have such a strong tolerance to cold weather. Vidia began to walk towards me, but she took a long time to get to me. “Vidia Polina, I’m not asking again. Let’s go!” She stopped for a minute with her eyes glued to something. I called her name one last time and then she ran to the car.
“Mommy, where’s my Daddy?” I was in disbelief. I never expected her to ask me such a thing at her age, but at the same time I was glad she did. 

“It’s a long story. Why do you ask sweetheart?” I was curious where this came from. She never had an interest in her father, or her family.
“Well, I saw this girl playing with her daddy at the park, and I wondered why I had never done that before.”
“Your Dad wasn’t the best to have in your life at the time, matter of fact the entire family. One day you’ll meet them.” I didn’t exactly know how to say “Mommy got pregnant so she ran away,” so I had to come up with something else.
It was time for bed, and I couldn’t have been more excited to be by myself. Vidia was all ready for bed and I tucked her in. I gave her a kiss goodnight and did our nightly tradition.
“Night-Light on or off?” 

“On.” She said.

“Door open or closed?” 

“Open.” So I left the door a jar, dimmed the hall light and went to my room. 

I got myself ready for bed, comfy in my pjs and I put my glasses on. I grabbed my journal and began writing. 

Dear Vidia, 

I think it was time I finally tried to reconnect with my family. I left them all so suddenly and Judah must be in awe. I feel bad for him but at the same time, what would they have thought of me if I told them I was pregnant? I didn’t know what to write in my journal though, these journals were going to be something I pass down to Vidia when she’s older. 

Dear Vidia, 

Your family isn’t who you think they are. Your Dad is a good guy, your Grandma and Grandpa would love you so much. There’s just one problem, they don’t know you exist. 

Was that too forward? I don’t know. There’s no easy way to put it. I got scared so I ran. I had no doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t be loved, and I had no doubt that Vidia wouldn’t be loved either. Why did I run? I keep asking myself the same question. 

Dear Vidia, 

Your family isn’t who you think they are. Your Dad is a good guy, your Grandma and Grandpa would love you so much. I was 17 when I had you, and the stigma around teenage pregnancies was terrible. So I ran away to Warren. 

Perfect. I found the words I wanted to say without it being too harsh. These journals were not just something I was going to pass down to Vidia, but whenever I have something important to say I write it down and read it out loud to her. Now all that’s left is to explain to her in short the situation and then we will go about the solution afterward. 

Dear Vidia, 

Your family isn’t who you think they are. Your Dad is a good guy, your Grandma and Grandpa would love you so much. I was 17 when I had you, and the stigma around teenage pregnancies was terrible. So I ran away to Warren. Your Dad’s name is Judah. He has lucious brown hair and blue eyes. He looks nothing like you though, you look just like me. My connection with your father was so pure. I hold such a big grudge toward myself because I ran away. Our family would have been perfect. I ran away because I was scared they would reject me, so I did what I had to do to protect you and it landed us in Warren.

I think that’s enough for the night. I’ll talk to Breyanna about it at work tomorrow because she’s already asleep and I don’t see her before work. I put my journal in my drawer, set my alarm and put my glasses on my nightstand. I turned my lights off and closed my eyes. 

“Vidia, let’s go, I don’t need to be late again!” I couldn’t stop thinking about yesterday. My mind was racing with thoughts, and to be real, I wasn’t going to be late. I just wanted to get to work early to talk to Breyanna. 

“Bye Mommy! I love you!” She’s so cute, I can’t explain how much she means to me. I wish she could meet her Dad.
“Love you too, sweetheart.” Time for work. I was so eager to just sit and talk to Bre for an hour about this whole thing.
“Hey! DelMarcos early today!” My co-workers seemed to enjoy my presence. “Yeah, whatever. Where’s Bre?” 

“She’s around here somewhere.. Check the back room.”
“Bre?” I was really hoping she was here. “Do I hear DelMarco?” Thank goodness, she’s here. 

“Listen, can we go sit down? I need some advice.” We sat at table 4, my favorite table. 

“Vidia asked about her Dad yesterday.” 

“She did? What’d you tell her?” 

“I didn’t know what to say, I just told her it was best that she wasn’t around them. I really want her to have a connection with them though, you know. I need to be real with her.” 

“Tell her that then. You need to tell her everything. Don’t tell her you ran away because they were abusive or they were toxic. Tell her you didn’t tell anyone anything and you ran away on your own in fear of what they would say.” I think Bre’s right. I need to be real with her. The truth hurts, but the truth is better than anything else. I wrote it in my journal.

Dear Vidia, 

Your family isn’t who you think they are. Your Dad is a good guy, your Grandma and Grandpa would love you so much. I was 17 when I had you, and the stigma around teenage pregnancies was terrible. So I ran away to Warren. Your Dad’s name is Judah. He has lucious brown hair and blue eyes. He looks nothing like you though, you look just like me. My connection with your father was so pure. I hold such a big grudge toward myself because I ran away. Our family would have been perfect. We lived in Deer Park, New York. The trees were big and the weather wasn’t as bad as it is here. I want you to meet our family and be a part of the family. So that’s what I’m going to do. We will be part of the family again. 

It was time to go pick up Vidia from daycare, and it was time for Vidia to know the truth. 

“Hey sweetheart. How was it today?” 

“Mommy, it was so fun. I got to swing on the swings and play games with my friends. There was one thing I couldn’t really do though. We had to make family trees and mine just has Vidia and Mommy.” Even more of a reason to tell Vidia the truth. 

“Alright, Vidia. We have something to talk about when we get home.” We pulled in the driveway about 5 minutes later, and I had Vidia meet me at the kitchen table. I read over my journal once more and then headed inside. 

“Your family isn’t who you think they are. Your Dad is a good guy, your Grandma and Grandpa would love you so much. I was 17 when I had you, and the stigma around teenage pregnancies was terrible. So I ran away to Warren. Your Dad’s name is Judah. He has lucious brown hair and blue eyes. He looks nothing like you though, you look just like me. My connection with your father was so pure. I hold such a big grudge toward myself because I ran away. Our family would have been perfect.” 

“When can I meet them?” She asked with a big ole grin on her face. “Why don’t we go now?” I responded.

I decided to call off work for the entire week. I packed a bag for Vidia and one for myself, put them in the car and we left. The ten hour drive was looking long, but it would be worth it in the end. 

“Turn left at the traffic signal onto Lakeview Trail and your destination is on your left.” The navigation said.
“Okay Vidia, here we are! 444 Lakeview Trail. Let’s go.” I slowly walked to the front door of my Mom’s house. I could feel the heat rising from my feet and a pit in my stomach as my anxiety intensified. Vidia knocked on the door three times, and I could hear footsteps approaching.
“Nirvana?” It was my Mom. “Nirvana oh my gosh! I never thought I’d see you again!” She looked happy as she reached in for a big hug. “Kurt! It’s Nirvana!” 

“Hey Mom, look down at your feet.” 

“And, who is this pretty young lady in the pink jacket?” 

“My name’s Vidia.” 

“Vidia, it’s lovely to meet you. I’m Grandma and this is Grandpa.” 

“Now Nirvana, is this your..”
“Yes, it’s mine and Judah’s baby. Speaking of.. Where is Judah?” 

“Oh honey, we’ll talk in a bit. Come in and get Vidia all settled and I’ll make you some tea. Vidia can play a game with Grandpa. You take a seat at the kitchen table.” 

I began to grow even more anxious, after finally calming down. What happened? I couldn’t help but think something bad had happened. Was it really that bad that I needed to sit down? 

“Okay sweetie. I know this is going to be hard for you to hear and I know you are not going to take it lightly. This hasn’t been easy for me either.”
“Mom.. What?” 

“First of all, I just wanted to tell you that Judah loved you so much. He really did. He cared about you and was in so much denial when you left. Please do not feel like you are to blame.”
“You’re scaring me!” She was using past tense. She was giving me the love feelings speech. This wasn’t looking good.
“About a year after you left, Judah couldn’t deal with your absence any longer. He was so distraught by it. I’m so sorry, Nirvana.” She said while she handed me a letter. 

Dear Nirvana Jade DelMarco, 

I love you. With every bone in my body, every piece of my heart. You were and always will be my best friend until the end of time. I’m sorry I did this to you. I couldn’t handle you being away any longer. Nothing else would stop the pain. Thank you for everything you did for me, and I hope you keep going. 

Signed with love, 

Judah 

“He committed suicide. I’m sorry.”  

And that was it, my family that was once whole now has a hole instead.