“Jesus someone call for help!”

Her head laid limply against the floor. I stood dumbstruck. What did I need to do? My eyes followed the blood that drenched her clothes. I looked as her hair flowing like twisting vines, fell along her shoulder. Her pale face made my stomach flip and flop like a fish on a dock. What do I do? I asked myself for the thousandth time.

    “HELP!”

The woman repeated, her face stained with tears, but the words no longer existed in the air. Ringing formed in my ears. Hearing the pounding of my heart, I tried to keep control of my breathing. Blood pulsed through my veins, blurring my vision. I turned twisting on my heels and bolted off down the road. I didn't know where to run. I didn't know where to go. I just went. I needed to get away. Away from the blood, the look of her body, and how she was so lightly put out. I risked a glimpse to my side and believed she cried out one more time, before I rounded the corner of the building, but it must have been the ringing I  mistaken her for.

“ Then what happened?”

Marks voice broke through the images racing through my mind.

“Well I'm not sure that’s where I always get lost I don’t remember what happened before or after it’s just, nothing.”

He releases his breath. I can’t help, but think he had been holding that breath  in the whole time. I drew my attention to him making sure he didn’t see the tears forming in my eyes. Mark's voice broke through the images racing through my cluttered brain. I glanced up, his chocolate eyes resting above a pair of complimenting pair of glasses on the edge of his nose. He scrolled down the pad of paper and fell back in the chair.

“Oh, Melissa we’ve been doing this for over three years and it’s all been the same.”

His face looked uneasy and that scared me, I was suppose to know if I go home in October a week before my birthday,but it seems like it’s not going to happen.

      “Mark I’m trying, please understand that I really..I just…”

I couldn’t finish, because I knew that the excuses were all used up. He tossed the paper on his desk and I stood up. The desk held two picture frames: two little girls and a smiling woman, a young man in his 20’s, wearing camo smiling down at the German Shepherd, who wore his cap. His name was Seth, I mentioned  him before, but every time I do Marks face darkens so, I don’t dare speak anymore. I looked at the time 2:46pm.

“ Times up doc”

He slipped his glasses the rest of the way off his nose.

“I..”

He began, then finished,

“Yes times up”

I pushed in my chair and turned to leave the room. I reached for the door handle, just to feel the cold touch of the shiny nob. When I opened the door the smell of rubber gloves and cough drops filled my nose, but to me that smell was home.

         Kicking off my socks pulling them each  off with my big toe on the other foot. My room, no larger than the office, mainly contained a twin size bed, a dresser, and a small closet door. Nothing hung in there. I owned about three shirts and two pairs of jeans. They did washings everyday so, I never did  worry about not having clean clothes the upcoming day. Tired, I knew lights were out in 25 mins. I began getting ready for bed the time read 7:35pm something I’ve grow use to. I padded down the hall towards the single bathroom with my toothbrush in one hand. My showers were in the morning, I didn’t worry to much.

“Almost done in there M?”   

Ells, I started the nickname about two and a half years ago. Ells and I grew use to each others company five months after I entered she’d been put in the hospital for killing her boyfriend. She told me she really did it, but never told the doctors the same. She was only 16 at the time when she walked in on her guy with another girl in bed. He tried to convince her that they weren’t doing anything and  that the girl and him connected with friendship,

” Just friends”

He put it, but she also told me it didn’t look like a “friendly conversation” that she walked in on either. She would tell me the story then ask,

    “ Have you ever connected in  a friendly conversation butt naked?”                                              

I never knew what sex was until Ells told me. Actually quite upsetting that I learned at such an early age, I was only 14 at the time Ells 3 years older than I am, Anyways they’ve kept her in here almost the same amount of time I’ve been in here trying to get proof that she killed her boyfriend. She told me when I confess then she will so we will both get put in the slammer together, but everytime I tell her I have no idea why I’m in here, she just laughs and shakes her head. It’s that terrible throw your head back kind of laugh, the laugh you want to run away from , but your also stuck because your afraid to run  because she will hunt you down and rip out your heart out of its own cavity. I will say she scares the living daylights out of me, but she’s the only person that listens to me. When I asked her why I was in here, she told me the same as her, they want me to own up the quicker the better. She told me that the hospital was just a delay because people believe it’s wrong to throw kids into jail if they don’t prove to what they thinks real even if they did it or not..

“ Yep, but you can come in if you want.”   

she kicked opened the door and slung her black hair over her shoulder.

“Taking up the bathroom time like always?”

She asked and it made me smile. If it wasn’t for her I don’t think I’d ever crack a smile in this living nightmare.

          Going back to my room after talking to Ells for awhile longer, it drew close to lights out when I looked down at my watch. I can’t remember who  gotten it for me, but all I can remember that I loved it. I fastly walked to my room. I hated being alone , but its the only time I can actually think. Tonight felt different, my body felt more worn down than usual. I flopped down on my bed, not minding the non pulled back covers. I folded my legs underneath myself,  that’s when pulled the covers back I pushed myself up on my elbows and looked out the window the moon was barely there, hard to see, but like the end of a fingernail, the clouds surrounded the sky, it reminded me of a warm fuzzy blanket and oh, how the stars were neatly stitched in. I fell asleep with that image in my head.

        The room, cold, unwilling, an  no longer smelt like peppermints. Where’s  Mark? I turned around to find myself back in my normal chair this room looked the same, but in black and white, the pictures that usually sit on Marks desk  differently the woman and children didn’t smile, the little girls green eyes looked so sad and I felt if I stared long enough they would start to cry. I looked at the boys picture and my stomach yanked forward, he laid on the ground while the dog lay on top of him, it looked like tears fell from the puppies eyes and the young man didn’t smile, but blood that dripped from his mouth! This looked awful. He  died in the war I knew that now,wishing that i didn’t, I pulled my eyes from the photo and ran them over the walls, shelves of books that looked so old and worn out books, I never would touch in a lifetime. Confused, I held on to the swelling pain that didn’t want to go away. It felt like I might explode before I’d get a hold of what my vision would lead me to. Just a grip I told myself one small grip , but it fell too close. I felt the suckon it wouldn’t let me stay and it wanted me to know it.

“NURSE!”

Mark came out from behind me and I jumped, I began to hear my heart pound in my ears.

“ Take Melissa, give her more than her normal.”

Before I strolled out of the unwanted room he said something that shocked me.

“Shes beginning to remember, we can’t have that.”

       My breath shaked drawing in more air than I really needed. While putting myself back into reality my eyes rolled, I tried to focus. Where was I? I began to raise up. Why was it so hard to see? As the thought races through my blood the lightning flashed, thunder following it. My heart bounced like a beach ball against my ribs. I didn’t like this. Sweat ran down the side of my face. And strands of hair stuck to my forehead. I tried to sit straight up, but my ears popped and my head went spinning. I laid back down quickly, I stared up at the ceiling realizing how plain it looked for the millionth time. I stayed awake until 6, when I finally fell back to sleep

 “ That dream came to me again.”

I began. Marks eyebrows rose from his tired eyelids. He laid his pad down and pencil.                                                                                                                                                              

uhuh I nodded I never liked our conversations he always looked for different answers, but I always gave him none. No new answers race through my mind. I didn’t know really what to tell him, the more I thought about it the worse it all seemed to be to me. The time seemed to tick slower than it normally did.

“Tick tock tick tock tick tock”

It all seemed to much for me. I looked down and started to mess with the hem of my shirt.

“Tick tock tick tock”

It started to seem sharper in my head.

“Tick tock tick tock”

Now my brain throbbed with every tick tock tick tock that broke my surface. The room began to spin out of control, and my stomach began to flip. The sounds just seem to stab away. I couldn’t take it I tried to stand, fell to my knees

“Tick tock tick tock.”

“Make it stop!”

I pleaded and put my hands over my ears. Looking down I seen blood pour from the scars on my arms this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening! I shifted my body to the left trying to crawl for the door. Burning sensation race through my arms.

“MELISSA!”

I snapped upright and my eyes darted opened.

“No No No”

I  began to say while shaking my head “Im bleeding they cut me again their bleeding my arms their bleeding!” I screamed

“Melissa look at your arms.”

I did, but there was nothing there just red marks where I gripped my arms.    

“You’re not bleeding.”

he protested. Then what just happened? I always hated these episodes like they called them.

“ Who cut you? Who did that to your arms Melissa?”

the questions lingered in the air, but the answers didn’t linger in my mouth. It was like it stuck peanut butter on the roof of my mouth.

“I want to go to my room.”

I told him as I tried to slip away and he let me go no questions asked. When I left that room I wished I would have known trying to unlock the hidden doors in my head was only gonna make this so much more worse than it already felt.

I entered my room I skipped dinner and told them I wasn’t feeling so well Mark signed off on it thinking rest would help I just hoped he was right.

    Screaming came from the cracked door of my bedroom. I stiffened and pushed myself up against the wall. I tried not to move I heard the whistling sound of wind push through the cracks of my window with every fresh blow I shivered under the covers and pushed myself deeper into the bed. I heard something knocked over and my body itched to see what was going on. I held my breath and got ready for the cold air that surrounded my blanketed body. I swung my legs to the side of my bed and slowly let myself slide to the floor I didn’t stop hanging on the side until I felt the cold shoot through my toes and my heels hit the hardwood floor. My nightgown scattered to my sides. I took every step carefully trying to avoid every crack I came onto. And if I stepped on one I waited holding my breath to see if movement came any closer. I heard a loud thump and my body shook. I bit my lip as fear began to leak back through me like a flowing river. I finally got to the door and I stood there a good few moments before I got the nerve to reach for the handle. The lights flickered on and then back off. What was out there? I’m beginning to shake. My fingers wrapped around the knob carefully. What was I getting myself into? I regretted ever even getting out of bed, but I pushed forward and then..)

“Then what?”

Mark asked I looked up he was on the edge of his sit he pad laying in his lap and he was biting his nail nervously.

“I opened the door.”

I  looked up at him

“ what else?”

he looked at me concerned

“well I..”

I doubled over my stomach did a flip and I tired I lend up right, but i doubled over again.

    “Melissa are you okay?”

“I..”

I began again but I was back over before I knew it. I threw up the food i had this morning my eyes began to water and I made eye contact with Mark he was dumbstruck at what had just happened. Or maybe the story I had just told him. I wasn’t sure. My legs began to wobble what was happening to me.

    “I got to go”

and before he said anything else or made me look dumber than I felt, I was gone.

My hair stuck to my back everytime I let it fall out of my hand. The soap fell down the side of my face and I turned back around to to let the hot water run down my face. This isn’t me I said this can’t be me. I opened my eyes and water stung them, but I didn’t close them right away. What’s a little bit of pain anyways? I was tired I stayed up from sunset to sunrise. I caught the shower before anyone else did.

“Little early don’t you think.”

I jumped sliding against the curtain while trying  to fix my balance, but the bar was to far away. I reached out pulling the rod and bottles down with me. I fell to the floor. I laid their rubbing the back of head where it had hit the side of the counter. I looked up to see Ells looking at me in surprised , then when realizing I was naked I jumped up to grab the towel that laid on the bathroom sink, but when I did I was back on my butt in no time.

“M..”

she began to say then stopped my head throbbed.

“I’m so sorry.’

I didn’t hear her, but read her lips. I reached for the towel again. But she grabbed ahold of it before I could even try and put the towel towards my head. I twisted my body in hopes of her letting it go so I’d could cover my bare body. I began to freeze one hand covered the  bottom half and the other covered my breast. I felt uneasy. My stomach started to do the twisting again and I couldn’t help, but throw up all over the floor.

“GIVE ME MY DANG TOWEL!”

I screamed at Ella. Turning my body completely around feeling the water from my hair run down my shoulder, but when I slung my hair to one side it wasn’t water that sprang alive from it. The water wasn’t water at all it was blood. My blood. I must have started bleeding after the fall. The blood ran down my leg.

“M, are you okay?”

I couldn’t answer the lump in my throat grew bigger with every question that she wanting asked. I tried to stand, but my legs wobbled and it sent me flying back down ella caught me this time. She ran to go get help. Well I guess that's what she did since three nurses and the doctor came running into the room. Mark left as soon as he entered realizing I wasn’t clothed I wondered who was more embarrassed me or him? I stayed still as they placed me onto the bed and covered me with a sheet.

“Will she be okay?”

Mark had asked while they strolled me away. The lights started to go dim. I felt really tired. I couldn’t make out what the doctors were saying. It all seemed mixed up. Then I slept. I would have fought  if I knew then it gonna be awhile before I awoke again.