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My best friend wasn’t a girl. Nope, he wasn’t just a boy either. He was my ex-boyfriend. Josh and I had gated for 3 months before I decided I was bored with him, it wasn’t that I didn’t like him anymore I just wanted change; something new. So I broke up with him.
It wasn’t until school was out until I realized how much I was going to miss him. Our relationship was perfect; we got along so well that when he did fight it was over stupid things like if he knew my birthday or what color my eyes are. However, when I ended it things changed. We talk just as much as we had when were dating, but he never smiled when he was around me. We talked on the phone and texted more then ever, but Josh just wasn’t happy. I told him everything. He liked to tell me that he knew me better then I knew myself, and I was beginning to believe him. But I felt like I knew nothing about him, like he was a stranger.
When we talked he still told me he loved me in the only-as-a-friend-way. Little did he know, every time he said that it broke my heart a little more? I watched him talk to other girls, I watched him look at them, and worst of all I watched him let them take my place. As he talked too them he smiled and opened his eyes wide as if he were looking at a legendary piece of art. He used to do that with me; he used to look at me like I was the Mona Lisa, now he looks at me like I’m his mom. Well, not exactly his mom, but more like a friend who he would never be attracted to. Just like one of the guys. I still looked at josh like he was in an Abercrombie ad; like God had created him just for me. Josh’s eyes were as a blue as the ocean. When he smiled he lit up the room, and together we were perfect. Josh seemed to think otherwise.
Josh had forced me to go to a party with him tonight; he didn’t want to look weird showing up alone. So I was forced to go to a party with the guy I love and watch him talk to other girls and flirt. Just then he turned to me and said, “Hey Leah? Do you want to get going? I’m bored.” He was saying this to me the girl he was talking to jealous. Jealous of me, his pathetic ex-girlfriend. I nodded, afraid that if I talked I would burst in to tears. As we walked out to his car he put his arm around me and said, “ You know how much I love you Leah? You’re the best friend I could ask for. You come to boring parties with me every Friday! You know you don’t have to right? Why don’t you go hang out with your other friends? Oh no, I didn’t mean that to be mean. I want you here, really I do.” It confirmed my worst fear. I started to cry. It wasn’t that he hadn’t seen me cry before he had. Plenty of times, almost to many times. I stopped walking; he turned to look at me, “What Leah? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing Josh. Its nothing!” I squeaked out of my throat, I sounded like a dying frog.
“Nothing, really Leah? That doesn’t seem like nothing to me.” I tired to smile but despite my efforts it wasn’t going to happen. I just couldn’t smile no matter how hard I tired.
“Well, I think nothing is kind of an understatement but it’s nothing you can help me wit…” he grabbed my chin before I could finish. “What are you doing?” I was confused; didn’t he know I was crying because I still loved him?
“This…” he said and then kissed me. This was the best kiss I’d had; it was perfect. He had improved since the last time we kissed. This was only going to make things harder. If he kissed me and didn’t feel the spark, he would go back to those other girls; he would leave me here, crying by myself. It was the one kiss that could make or break our relationship forever. As I realized this I cried harder. “Leah, stop. That was supposed to make you happy. Did I do something wrong?” He frowned and I looked down at my feet. I just wanted to break down, fall into his arms, and cry my little heart out.
“No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I did. I wasn’t honest with you. I never told you that I’m still in love with you; I never really stopped being in love with you. My heart has been yours since the day we met and it doesn’t matter if you want it, my heart will always be yours, Josh. The reason why I’m crying is that I know your heart will never belong to me again no matter how much I want it. I ruined it the day I broke up with you.” His eyes watered. Maybe I wasn’t the only one who felt this way?
“Leah, you broke up with me when you did that I figured you were over me. I never got over you.” My heart dropped into my stomach as if I were riding a roller coaster, adrenaline pumped in my veins. Josh still loved me.
“Did you feel it? I did.” He cocked his head to the right; his eyes glazed over in confusion.
“What are you talking about Leah? Did I feel what?” I laughed at his confusion.
“The spark. When you kissed me, it sparked.” I was worried he was going to say no.
“Nope, I didn’t.” My heart came up in to my throat. Oh no, I was going to cry again. I tried to read his face was he smiling, that smile turned into a laugh. Is this all a joke? Does he get amusement out of breaking girls hearts? “I felt fireworks.” His smile grew to the size of five-year-olds on Christmas morning. I hit him and smiled.
“Not funny Josh, not funny!” His smile faded.
“Sorry, it was just so easy.” He paused and his eyes did thing where I could see him thinking about what to say. “Leah, this doesn’t we are back together, you know that right? How can I trust you not break my heart just like you did last time.” This was going to be harder then I thought. He started to walk away, regretting what he had just done. I walked to his side and grabbed his hand to stop him from leaving me here.
“Now I know how it is without you, now I know that I can’t love anyone but you. I love you Josh and I need you to love me back. Then before I knew it our lips were tangled. That was the best answer he could have possible said.
Orchard Park, New York
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"Is it the fear talking; or is it you?" Bella Robertson
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Do your best, then do better.
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signing off as usual kindlegirl
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in order for God to use all of you you have to be completely broken