Clara was in a large, orange truck, the kind used to move peoples’ belongings to a new house. She was driving down a local street on a bright and sunny day. A cool breeze blew through the open window, leaving her happy and relaxed. Suddenly, dark thunder clouds obscured the sun making it almost impossible to see more than a few feet in front of her. Then, to make matters worse, the truck accelerated, as if an invisible foot had stepped on the gas. A sense of worry welled up in her chest. In a panic, she took her eyes off the road, desperately trying to find the brakes. To her horror there seemed to be none. Still looking away from the road, Clara felt something hit and ricochet off the front of the truck. With shaking hands, Clara unbuckled her seat belt and exited the truck. She walked around to the front and let out a gasp of fear. In front of her lay a scarlet mess resembling raw hamburger meat, but somehow Clara knew it was a person. The neck was twisted at an impossible angle. Despite the red, sticky blood covering the body, Clara knew it was her sister, there was no mistaking the platinum blonde hair that shone brighter than the sun. Impossible as it was, the body twitched and the young girls’ mouth flopped open, and her dead, unseeing eyes turned on Clara, as if to speak. Clara felt the scream rise in her throat and-

Clara jerked forward in her bed and took in her surroundings. The familiar lavender walls and soft gray carpet were comforting. It was a dream, only a dream. She had not been driving the truck that had killed Katie. She had been at home, sick in bed. That was why Katie had been walking home alone on that gray, miserable, day. The rain had obscured the truck driver’s vision as well as making the roads extremely treacherous. He had driven over an icy patch of road and lost control. The truck had skidded up and onto the sidewalk, nearly missing a telephone pole. An ambulance had taken the driver to a hospital for minor injuries. Later he would walk through the doors of the hospital, perfectly healthy and happy. The same could not be said about the little girl in the yellow rain slicker.

After pulling herself out of bed, Clara made an attempt to pull her tangled mass of chocolate brown curls into a ponytail and put on the purple rimmed glasses that changed her fuzzy world into one of sharp lines and edges. Turning away from the mirror, Clara softly crossed the room that she and Katie had once shared. Sitting on top of the peace sign comforter that Katie had picked out herself was a worn, filthy, black and white cow with shiny, black bead eyes that Katie couldn’t sleep without. Before the accident, Clara’s mother had tried so many times to get rid of it. “Sweetie,” she would say to Katie, “It’s filthy. I mean, don’t you think you’re a little old to be sleeping with a toy meant for toddlers? You’re a big girl now.” Katie always had the same answer. “Moo Moo,” She would reply calmly. “His name is Moo Moo.” Frustrated, their mother would throw up her hands and storm out of their room. Now, Clara agreed with Katie. She had been too young to give up Moo Moo. She had been too young to die. Clara plucked the cow off of the bed and cradled it in her arms. It seemed sad. It’s eyes asking when Katie would be back. She hesitated before replacing the forlorn cow back on Katie’s bed and walking out of the room, and down stairs.

It had only been a month since Katie had died, and yet Clara’s mother had seemed to age years. It had not been visible at first, but Clara began to notice lines on her Mother’s face and hands that had not been there before. They seemed even more visible as she asked her daughter if cereal was okay for breakfast. Clara looked out the large window that sat in front of the kitchen table. Every Saturday Clara visited her sister’s grave with her father. Since she had woken up late, her father was already sitting in the driveway. She shook her head and gestured to to the idling silver minivan. Instead, she grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl on the over crowded counter. In the weeks since Katie had died, people had brought countless casseroles and lasagnes as if the smell of food would erase the memory of Katie from their minds. Not wanting to keep her father waiting, she grabbed her jacket off her chair at the kitchen table and darted out the door. The car was warm and smelled like stale cheerios. Clara sat in the front seat next to her father. At first glance, Clara and her father didn’t seem to be related. While Clara had curly brown hair, and blue eyes the color of blue jays, Her father shared Katies platinum blonde hair and leaf green eyes that crinkled kindly when he smiled. There was no smile waiting for Clara today though, only a solemn nod. Not even bothering to make small talk, her father put the car in reverse and drove down their smooth gray driveway. Clara turned away from her father, letting her face rest against the cool glass, watching the world fly by.

The ride to the cemetery was silent, just as it had been the first time after the funeral. Clara remembered her relief after leaving the funeral home, the relief of being away from all the pitying stares, not realizing that a cemetery just as bad. She could still remember every little detail from the funeral procession, despite her awful memory. She could still remember the slam of the car doors as they began the long drive to the cemetery. She could still remember the fresh, raw earth swallowing up her little sister, as her mother’s tears fell like salty rain drops on the top of the hazel lid of the casket as it sank slowly and silently into the ground. That was when Clara had first felt the bone-numbing chill of the silence. No one had said a word on the way to the cemetery. No one had said a word on the way home. No one had said anything meaningful since. Clara supposed that her family was mourning the loss of Katie, but a more logical part of her told her it was more than that. Katie had been the talkative one. She always had a story or a joke or some comforting words to share with the rest of her family. She kept them laughing and happy. Now that she was gone, it was like someone had taken away the glue that held their family together. It felt wrong to even be around her family. Clara suspected that was why her family spent their limited time together exchanging only necessary words. Clara felt the shift of cement roads to gravel. Clara looked up and saw the looming wrought iron gates of the cemetery. She felt like she was about to enter a prison.

Her father parked the car and they walked together to the plot of freshly turned earth in front of the polished marble stone. The engraving read, “Kaitlyn Rose Flecker, 4 June 2006- 15 December 2013, Beloved Daughter and Sister.” Robotically, Clara cleared away a bouquet of withered white and yellow daisies while her father lovingly placed a fresh one on the grave, just as he had the day of the funeral and every day since then. The first time after the funeral, Clara’s entire family had come to the cemetery. That first time, it was Clara’s mother who had placed the bouquet on the fresh brown earth. After stepping away, she broke down. Her lower lip and legs trembled and she fell to her knees, throwing her hands over head. Her body shook with her sobs, as Clara’s father knelt down and held her before starting to cry himself. Clara had stood there for a moment before walking back to the car. It had been the first time she head seen either of her parents cry. Even when they got the news of Katie’s death they remained stoic. Now, they paused for a moment before turning and walking back towards the car. It was too painful to linger. Even the moment of silence was painful. The tombstone seemed to speak silently to Clara, telling her, “It’s your fault. It’s all your fault, and they hate you for it.”

On the way home, Clara couldn’t stop thinking about her sister. It seemed everything reminded her of something Katie had done. There was the elementary school she had gone to. Those boots were the same shade of green as her eyes. She liked to get candy at that convenience store. That was her favorite restaurant. There was the town lake where their mother took them swimming. Here was the street she grew up on. Here was her house. Clara’s father parked the car in their driveway. Clara climbed the steps to the front porch and opened the door. In the living room, the T.V blared the theme song to her mother’s favorite show, but her mother was not watching it. Clara frowned. Her mother hated it when people left the T.V on. Usually it was so quiet in the house you could hear a pin drop. Dismissing the T.V as an oddity, Clara climbed the stairs leading to her bedroom. She wanted to see Katie’s cow again. As she reached the top step, she saw that her door was closed, but she was almost certain that she had left it open. When she opened her door she found her mother sitting on Katie’s twin bed, with her back facing the door and cradling the stuffed cow like an infant.

A wave of shock hit Clara, and she felt her throat close around a lump. She felt as if her mother had just taken away the last part of Katie. She hadn’t realized how attached she had been to Katie’s cow. Clara stood in the doorway for a long time, gathering her courage. Finally, she popped the bubble of silence that surrounded her family. “Put it down,” she said as calmly as she could, but there was still a slight edge to her voice. Her mother turned to her with the cow still in her arms, her face expressionless. “I said put it down,” Clara repeated shrilly. Her mother looked down at the doll and then back to her daughter as if she couldn’t fathom putting down the stuffed animal. Clara stepped forward with her hand outstretched in a silent plea. “Put. It. Down.” She said sharply.

“W-What?” asked her mother. Clara remained silent, her hand still outstretched as tears threatened to spill from her eyes. “You would take the only thing left of my daughter away from me?” Her mother asked, sounding as though Clara had personally killed Katie. Clara looked down at the soft gray rug so as to escape her mother’s scrutinizing gaze, then looked back up at her. “You would take the only thing left of my sister away from me?” Clara countered. Her mother’s eyes narrowed as she stood up. “You’re not the only one who misses her Clara Elizabeth,” she said angrily. “Don’t be so selfish.” Clara took another step forward. “I am not being selfish.”

“Good, then you get why K-” Her voice caught on Katie’s name. She cleared her throat, then continued. “Then you understand why the cow is mine now.” Clara took another step forward. She was now toe to toe with her mother now and boiling with rage. “You wanted her to get rid of it!” She screamed, throwing away the carefully crafted cool demeanor. Something in her mother’s eyes shifted. Clara could see she’d hit a nerve. Mrs. Flecker looked down at Clara scornfully. “People can change their minds!” she exclaimed, sheltering the cow in her arms. She looked at her remaining daughter and then away again, but her expression had changed from scornful to abhorrent. “She would still be here if it weren’t for you,” she whispered staring at the floor. The words reverberated through Clara like a slap. Horror seeped into her bones. She felt the little voices at the back of her head begin to speak. “You killed her!” They echoed, “You weren’t even all that sick, why did you stay home?!” “You’re a despicable person.” Clara felt as if the room was shaking. She felt her world crumble and crack. Without thinking, Clara grabbed the cow out of her mother’s hands and ran down the stairs and out of the house with the sounds of her mother’s screams echoing after her. She didn’t look back once.

As she ran, Clara clutched the cow to her chest. Katie. Katie the sister. Katie the daughter. Katie the student. Katie the teacher, the gymnast, the comedian. All the things she had done, all the people she had made smile, the papers she had written, the pictures she had drawn, the words she had spoken were gone. It felt like someone had torn a piece out of her soul. She felt like an amputee, like she had lost a vital part of herself. All because of a little rain and a truck driver that wasn’t paying attention.

Clara hadn’t realized she was running to the lake until she was there. A flimsy wooden fence covered in signs warned people of the consequences of trespassing, but Clara climbed over it anyway. The sand was damp from the misty rain, making a satisfying crunching sound under her feet. Clara walked to the edge of the water. If she concentrated hard enough, she could almost hear the laughter of her family as her mother taught her two daughters to swim. “Swimming is like scooping ice cream,” she had explained patiently. “You have to use big scoops to get all the ice cream.” Clara had caught on quickly, while Katie had struggled. Katie never complained though, and after a few more lessons with their mom, she got the hang of it. A strong gust of wind snapped her out of her thoughts. Clara hadn’t realized she was crying until her glasses were so coated with tears that she could no longer see. It was the first time she had cried since the accident. Realizing this, Clara sunk to her knees and put her face in her hands. What kind of monster doesn’t cry over the death of her sister? She wondered? She cried until all that was left were stuttering, dry hiccup and shuddering . She took off the glasses with the pale purple frames and wiped them on the hem of her shirt. Clara looked down at her hands. In one she held the cow that Katie had loved so dearly, and in the other, Clara held her glasses. In Clara’s mind, Katie’s most admirable quality had been her bravery. Katie wouldn’t have been afraid to face life without a dumb cow, and neither would Clara.
The cow sat on top of a boogie board in the sand, just before the water’s edge. Clara had found the boogie board in the lost and found. Before she changed her mind, Clara nudged the boogie board into the clear, shallow water. She felt tears slide down her cheeks as she watched the cow drift toward the middle of the lake. Slowly the boogie board took on water and sank into the water, until even the cow had been swallowed by the water, just as Katie had been swallowed by the earth. She felt the sudden urge to run into the water after the cow. Instead, she put on her glasses, looked out over the lake, and her life was never the same again.