It wasn’t long before tears dripped in an almost steady stream from my face. I know I wasn’t in a dream. In dreams you can’t feel this much hurt. I hope not. But I wish I was in a dream. Here I am, holding my little brother in my arms in the alley 4 blocks from home. He didn’t seem to breathe, what was wrong with him? I didn’t want to believe he was dead. Although deep down I knew he was.
**********
7 months earlier.
I was just coming home from school. I was tired and exhausted; I had lots of trouble completing my test in school today. But I was in a good mood. Yesterday my dad made me a big birthday party for my 16th birthday. I was super happy cause he went out to buy a car with me afterwards. MY VERY FIRST CAR!!! It was such an amazing feeling picking out my car. I chose a Honda Civic. It was blue with a nice waxed shine. It had lightning designs for the seat covers that came included. Of course it was used, but in a really good condition. I was really happy with my dad I offered to let him drive it to work today. I couldn’t drive it yet because I didn’t have a license. Not yet anyways. I had one more block to walk before I would see my car parked in our drive way. My dad would surely be home by now.
It was then that I heard a crash behind me, and cars honking their horns, followed by an earsplitting scream. I turned and was shocked to see a big 18 wheeler lying on its side. There, beside it a demolished blue car. The man inside looked awfully familiar, and now that I came to think about it, the car does too. As curious as I was I knew I should get home before the road becomes impassible. And I wanted to see my car too. When I get close to my house I’m confused to not see my Civic there.” What could possibly have gone wrong now?” I thought aloud getting kind of annoyed.
I ran the last few yards home. I opened the door and the delicious; mouth watering smell of our dinner cooking almost pushed me back out the door. As I entered the living room my little brother, Luis came running up to me.” Hey Carlos, guess what? I was picked to be the line leader for the week!” he said excitedly.” Wow that’s awesome Guero” that’s what I call him, Guero, because he’s really pale. He ran to his room and I could hear him telling the good news to our dog, he’s a German shepherd, who we name Monty. I walked into the kitchen and saw my mom slicing tomatoes.” Hey ma, I’m home” I said.” Hey mijo” she called back. Mijo the only thing she ever called me. Mijo means son in Spanish, so I’m okay with it. Somehow I think it keeps us close.
She’s from Mexico and my dad is American, so that makes me and my little brother Chicanos. That explains why my family speaks English mixed with Spanish.” Where’s dad” I ask.” He said he had to stop by the gas station and put gas in your car.” I smiled at her last two words.” Oh yeah,” I said remembering something,” maybe we should tune into the news later; on my way here I saw a truck crash with a small car. It looked awful”. “Mijo, I told you to quit walking home when you can ride the bus, you know a lot of accidents happen in this part of town” She said.” I know, I just hope whoever it is okay” I replied. “Me too mijo, now go set the table because your dad will be hungry” she said.” Okay ma.” When I was done setting the table, I heard the phone ring. Mom was still in the kitchen nowhere near the phone.” I got it!” I yelled.” Hello?” I answered.” Yes is Ms. Maria there?” asked a ladies voice.”Um sure, may I ask who’s calling” I asked.” This is Nurse Patty from Central Hospital” she answered nervously.” Is something wrong?” I asked getting worried.” Son I think you should let me talk to your mom now” she said obviously making it a command.” Okay” I said giving the phone to my mom who had been listening from the kitchen door with a worried expression.” Who is it?” she mouthed.” I don’t know some nurse” I said shrugging my shoulders and handing her the phone.” She rolled her eyes sarcastically and I smiled.” Yes?” she said going into her bedroom. I decided to stay in the living room. About five minutes later she came running out of the room with tears in her eyes.” What’s wrong ma?” I asked.” Your dad is in the hospital; go ask Mrs. Daniela to take care of Luis for a little while. I’ll pick you up in front of her house.” Ms. Daniela is our neighbor. After leaving Luis with her, my mom picked me up.” Ma, what happened” I asked. She sighed getting a hold of herself.” He was hit by an 18 wheeler and is now in the hospital” she said clearly dismissing the subject. I got a cold feeling, no wonder the accident I saw seemed to have a familiar car and person. It was my dad.
When we got to the hospital my mom wasted no time in asking about my dad.” May I see William Johnson?” she asked the lady behind the counter in the waiting hall.” You may need to talk to the doctor first,” the lady answered. She walked to a nearby door and poked her head in,” Ms. Maria is here” she announced to someone. Then she came back to us and said, “He’ll be here in a second”. My mom looked worried; I couldn’t blame her, so was I. A few moments later an old man in his forties, who was obviously the doctor, appeared. He introduced himself as Dr. Bernardo.” Ma’em may we speak in private?” he asked stealing a glance at me.” Sure” she answered. They walked into the same little room the doctor came out of. Not knowing what to do, I just sat in a chair in the waiting room. I waited for a full, agonizing, and unbearable hour. Finally my mom came out with red, wet, puffy tears.” What’s wrong ma?” I asked.” I’ll tell you later mijo, let’s go” she responded through a fresh wave of tears. On the way home mom explained how my father died from the accident. Apparently he didn’t live long enough to see the wheeler crash to the ground. She didn’t give any details and I was glad she didn’t, I didn’t want to hear them. Nobody does when it comes to this. The rest of the way home my mom cried but did not sob. I knew she wanted to just let the tears pour out. But I also knew she was trying to be strong for me and my little brothers’ sake.
But how could this happen I thought feeling tears of my own threatening to spill. They did. This was supposed to be a really happy day with my dad talking about what happened at work today, and me just smiling my lips off thinking about my new car. But all that was clogged in the never coming future. Now it was replaced by sorrow.
Later that day my mom forced me to eat, but I could tell she had to try hard to swallow without crying. My little brother just ate not suspecting anything. After dinner mom locked herself in her room. I peeked under her door and saw her staring at dads photo, crying. I decided to leave her alone so she could calm down.
It was 8:14, time to put Guero to bed I thought. I made him change into his batman pajamas. After he did, he asked me to tuck him in. “night Guero”, I said.” Night”, he answered, “wait! Can you stay until I fall asleep”, he asked. “Sure thing” I answered. I sat on his bed beside him. I was just thinking about today’s events, trying to process it all, when Guero interrupted me. “Papa’s dead isn’t he?” he asked. I was shocked, how could he know that? I regained my senses and sighed,” Guero,” I said pausing,” you’re not supposed to know that” I said.” Who told you?” I asked, “no one, I saw on Ms. Daniela’s TV, it was papa, I saw his face” he then added, “but I will be strong, papa wouldn’t want me cry, he said so”. “What do you mean?” I asked.” He told me, that some day in the future we would be separated but to not worry ‘cause we will see each other again” that’s all he said before he began snoring. Ms. Daniela helped organize the funeral. The day of the funeral was unbearable. I had to listen to uncles and cousins talk about what a good man my dad was. All they did was bring up good, happy memories that will never repeat themselves. Memories, that’s all those good times were now, memories. I couldn’t stand it any longer so I just walked outsides and let the tears fall. My best friend was the only one who seemed to notice I was gone. His name is Alex. He was from Cuba, with curly hair, and an American appearance. “Hey man you okay?” he asked, with a sniffle. Friend or not, him and my dad were about as close as friends could get, almost as close as me and him. “No” I answered. “My dad is dead, my mom is crying her eyes out, and my car is nowhere near in good shape” I said, “do you think I’m okay?” I asked. “ okay sorry”, he answered and sniffed, “ but hey man, you got to be strong in times like this, if not for you but for your mom and bro, I know it sounds corny, but I’m just being real with you holmes”, “ I know but I just can’t believe this happened” I said solemnly. “So hey tomorrow me and Juan are going to the movies, you should come too, and you could ask Natalie to come if you want.” There he goes again, bringing up my not-so-secret-crush. He was clearly changing the subject, he was never one to talk to in times of trouble, he just doesn’t know how to console people. But somehow it made me feel better, bringing in the new subject. He got up taking in a shaky breath, patted me in the shoulder, and went inside without another word. I knew he was right. So after a few moments of thinking, I decided to be stronger from here on out. I was going to have to act as the man of the house.
The days went by and we were soon back on track. Mom didn’t cry as much, or as often anymore. And I stayed solid.
My little brother kept his promise and played his role as the little kid of the family. Until everything changed, again…
*******************
It was almost 7 months after my father’s accident didn’t expect things to get worse. It won’t right? That’s what I ask god every day before sleeping. But it did.
Last week it had been Gueros birthday. He insisted in sleeping over at his best friend’s house instead of a big birthday party. My mom said it was okay. Anyways, I was just going to the mall today with Alex in his brand new car. Or at least to him it was brand new. It was actually about two years old. It was a Ford, but the brand I still didn’t know, I wasn’t really interested anyways. It was red with a plastic cover, covering the black rims underneath. “So what are you doing today later on?” he asked coming to a stop as the stop light turned red. “I don’t know” I answered. “Maybe play ball with me?” he asked, longingly. That is his favorite sport basketball. “Okay” I said. Suddenly I heard the squealing of tires and the roar of an engine being tortured to go faster. I turned around in my seat and saw a grey sports car. It was small, with big tires, but looked like it could travel 1,000 miles in the nick of time. The car came to a screeching stop beside us. The window rolled down to reveal a man with a sleeveless shirt, sunglasses, and a snapback hat. “Hey man, where’s my money!” he questioned pulling out a gun.
” I… I “stammered Alex. I was scared. No need to stutter that in my mind. Why would Alex need to give money to this guy?
“You better have my money tomorrow “the guy said. “Or else your pretty little car will be ashes alongside your house” he threatened.
“Fine” replied Alex, somehow recovering the sense to speak. Without another word the man sped off as the light turned green.
“What did you do?!” I scolded.” I just borrowed some money” he said. “No big deal” he said shrugging his shoulder. “NO BIG DEAL?” I asked.” Dude, that guy just pulled a gun out on us. Why?” I asked,” why? Did he pull out a gun?” “I was supposed to pay him today, but I didn’t.” he answered. I didn’t know what to say, so I asked the one thing that was making me uneasy. “What did you need to borrow money from him for, and how much was it?” he sighed before answering; “I needed money to finish paying my car.” It was hard having to absorb these devastating answers. “How much was it?” I urged out of him.” Um, 5 grand” he finally answered; I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Do you have the money?” I asked.” No, not a single penny” he said flatly. “What are you going to do?” I asked more worried than angry. “I don’t know” he replied. “Just take me home” I ordered. On the way there, I caught the glimpse of the grey car again. And the man was outside smoking a cigar that sent up white smoke, whiter than most. It was only a glimpse, but I was pretty sure he was a doing drugs.
At home I got a thought that sent a cold feeling through my body. What if Alex is making money deals with drug dealers? No, it’s not possible. After that, I didn’t give it another thought.
A few days later I was on my way with Alex to pick up Guero from another sleep over. We went to hangout in an alley behind the CVS Pharmacy. We let Guero tag along since he was in a really good mood. We liked checking out the graffiti behind the pharmacy. We were planning on just hanging out and having fun. Fate had other plans in store though, today wasn’t going to turn out good.
We were just talking about school, and Guero was a few feet from us studying the graffiti. Then suddenly I heard a car coming from the other end of the alley. It looked familiar. Then I realized it was the same grey car of the guy Alex owed money to. Guero came running to me with fear in his eyes as the bullets came flying from the window. “Duck homies!” yelled Alex diving to the side of his car. I caught Guero and slid behind Alex’s Ford to avoid the spray of bullets. All at once the firing stopped and the tires of the grey car screeched to a stop. Were done for I thought, but I was wrong and right at the same time. I heard the engine roar again as it reversed out the same way it came in.
Were safe I thought. “It’s okay Guero, they’re leaving” I said reassuringly. But he didn’t reply. “Guero?” I asked, “Are you okay?” but he seemed to have fallen asleep. Then I noticed my forearms were wet and I was kneeling in a puddle of a thick, red liquid. And it was growing bigger and bigger right under my little brother.
It wasn’t long before tears dripped in an almost steady stream from my face. I know I wasn’t in a dream. In dreams you can’t feel this much hurt. I hope not. But I wish I was in a dream. Here I am, holding my little brother in my arms in the alley 4 blocks from home. He didn’t seem to breathe, what was wrong with him? I didn’t want to believe he was dead. Although deep down I knew he was.
I quickly gathered enough senses to yell at my best friend, “Go get help! What are you waiting for?” that seemed to stun him out of his trance. He scrambled from behind the car and ran in the direction to the CVS.
Everything went black before the ambulances arrived.
It is now three months after my little brother’s death. After watching my friend literally beat himself up with sticks, I forgave him. It wasn’t him who pulled the trigger anyways. But never did I forgive the face of the man whose identity I never had the pleasure to know. I searched for the guy responsible of my brother’s death for two weeks and a half before I let the police do it alone. The police found him three days after I gave up on the search. They gave the man a life sentence in prison. And I found out his name was John Fowler. But I really didn’t care for the name of a murderer of little innocent kids. My mom was again sent to the depths of sorrow before recovering a little after 6 more months. But I kept my promise and remained solid.
Sometimes I visit Guero and papa in the graveyard. I always bring them a big bunch of flowers. I talk to them about how mamas doing and how much we miss them both, I swore to papa that I’d take care of mom for the rest of my life. And every day I promise to come back and see them soon.
Even when I stopped coming so often, me and my mom never forgot Guero or papa, they will always remain in our hearts.