Acceptance
My dream was to become someone significant. I didn't just want to work in some corporate office and be a robot. I wanted to travel the world and live in the moment. Now what am I supposed to do?
“Pancreatic cancer isn't the end of the world Beth.”
“ Stop worrying Beth.”
“You’re such a pessimist Beth.” That’s what all my friends tell me. Call me a pessimist, but what do I have to live for? I’m going to die and that’s definite. I know everyone dies sooner or later, but I guess our society just never talks about death. We go through life thinking that we are untouchable. We live like we have super powers of some sort. I, of course, knew I wouldn't live forever, but It’s a shock to go from being a healthy person one day and then to be diagnosed with a terminal disease the next. I could say I’m fine with it, but I’m not. I’m angry; I never did anything bad in life. I was always a caring person, and I was nice to everyone, yet I’m laying in this bed with a disease that will kill me in a few days.
I remember when I was younger my brother and I would run around screaming and climbing on the roof. Now it’s hard to run or even stand up without feeling nauseous. I “might” get better the doctors say. There could be a chance where they could remove all the malignant tumors, but the thing is, I don’t want to go through life hoping that I'll get better. By the time I'm done hoping, the parts of my life that are most valuable to me will pass by.
I can lie in this bed hooked up to these countless machines being miserable, or I can live my life. I can enjoy it while I still can. I can spend the most important moments with the people who matter to me. I can do all these things, but the question is will I be happy? Will I be able to move past the fact that I won’t be able to do the things I was once able to? Will I be able to overcome my fear of death? I've always wondered what comes after death. Is there some fantasy land, or is it just nothing?
My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer as well. She used to tell me to never give up hope. She used to say, “Some people embrace death. They welcome it; they no longer want to deal with the pain the world brings. Other people fear death so much they forget to enjoy the life they're given. They may work in corporate high-rises, but they haven’t done anything fun in life because they’re too scared. They put all their time and effort into their work forgetting about the valuable moments, but the thing is we all die. We will all pass away someday. Maybe not today, but eventually we will fade away into nothing. We will just become a rotting corpse or a pile of ashes.”
I've come to the realization that I've accepted death. I no longer fear it like I once did, but I don’t welcome it either. I have just realized that all the complaining in the world won’t change anything; I will still die whether I like it or not. Now sitting here laughing away with the rest of my family and friends, I’m content. Maybe I haven’t traveled the world, but I have gotten to spend my last hours with the people I love. That love means more than anything else in the world.