Can you imagine being born all over again at the age of seventeen? Not spiritually, almost literally. Waking up without knowing who you are, without the slightest idea. It feels like walking in a movie-typical high school for the first time after being home schooled your entire life. Only ten times worse.
The Rose family were the type of family that seemed perfect, seemed like they didn't have a single problem to face. In reality, the Rose family weren't happy or unhappy, they were awfully empty. Lexie only had her brother Ryan, Ryan only had Lexie. Their parents went their separate ways, never interested on what Lexie and Ryan did, just as long as they didn't do anything illegal. But every December, family and friends received an envelope with fake smiles wishing happy holidays.
I pretend to still be asleep but how can someone possibly be asleep with the sound of sobbing and weeping, the smell of flowers and sympathy cards all over the place. “Lexie.. How are you doing?” my mom called from across the room. What is she talking about? Why am I even here? The doctor, I suppose, rushed in rapidly before I could even respond. He whispered a few words into her ear and exited.
“Mom, what am I doing here?” With tears in her eyes she ignored me and stared out the window. “Look, I know you’re confused at the moment but you have lost most of your recent memory. The doctor said you might come back, but who knows.” “Uhhhhh, wha-”
I hear three knocks on the door interrupting and the sound of the hospital rush as the door opens. “Lexie! Oh my gosh you’re all better. I baked you some chocolate cupcakes, your favorite”, a girl in a cheerleading uniform tells me. Who are you, why are you (a cheerleader!) bringing me cupcakes. She set them on the side table, sat on my bed, and smiled so big I thought her face was going to fall off. How awkward. “Emily, dear, Lexie needs some time. She just woke up, why don’t you come over later? We’ll be home by noon.”
We didn’t continue talking about my lack of memory, like thank you so much, mom. It’s not like I completely just forgot everything and perhaps need to know about myself! It was finally time and I got to go home. The drive home was terribly bizarre. The house was full of flowers, this doesn’t seem right. I was at the hospital why couldn’t they take the flowers to me. My dad would always lock himself up in his office, staring at the laptop screen overflowing with numbers, and there he was once more. He gave me a tight hug welcoming me home.
I sat in my room trying to remember, looking through my stuff, slowly finding things about me. I’m a senior in high school, a cheerleader apparently, wait no, the cheerleading captain. Whattt, gross!
Two days have passed and I don’t remember anything, I’m getting sick of this. I’m exhausted at all my unanswered questions haunting me every second of the day. Mom and dad make it seem like it affected them more tragically than it did to me.
“Hey, we have to talk. I need a solution. How did I come to my wayward state of mind? What happened?” “Lexie, you know how I feel towards this situation.” I swear I could see my face turn red as smoke came out of my ears like those old cartoon I watched as a little girl. “I DON’T CARE HOW YOU FEEL!” “Lexie you went out with your brother…” Wait. Brother? I don’t have a brother? Oh my gosh, the boy. The little boy in the pictures all around the house that I just assumed it was a cousin or a family friend is my brother! “..you went out with your brother for ice cream because he scored a goal in his soccer game. I don’t know what exactly happened, you were driving too rapidly and an eighteen wheeler didn’t stop at the stop light like it was supposed to. Lexie, you were gone for a little over a week. His funeral got done and everything. I’m sorry, I just didn’t want to tell you right away. Its been pretty hard on you already.” I didn’t know what to say, like how can you honestly reply to that. The fact that I was responsible for my brother’s death. A brother that you don’t remember the slightest memory of, and it was all my fault!
Obviously, everything was the same for my parents. They didn’t talk much to me, they didn't ask me anything, they just didn’t care.
Going to school was devastating. People staring at me, whispering, pointing as if I was some kind of alien. Some pupils came up to me and attacked me with hugs, it’s so frustrating to have them expect me to remember. No matter how hard I try, I simply can’t. I dropped out of cheerleading, although I was the cheer captain but I mean, whatever. It doesn’t even matter anymore, nothing matters anymore.
It was a Friday when the same girl who showed up at the hospital rang my doorbell. “Hey, Lexs. Come on let’s go out for some Starbucks!” I hated the idea but I also hated the idea of shutting her down like that after she drove all the way to my house. “Uh yeah let me grab my bag.”
When it was my turn of ordering my drink my heart sunk down deep into my stomach. I have no idea what I like, goodness. I grabbed a regular coffee and talked to Emily. We talked about everything, she filled me in my life. We’ve been best friends since sixth grade and frankly she knew more about me than I did myself. She was a lot more help than my parents were.
I got home and I wasn’t confused, sad, or anything of that sort. I felt empty, everything has fallen between cracks. I had a brother that died, that I was apparently really close to. Sometimes, actually all the time, I wish I would’ve died with him. I would’ve had an awful death but at least I would’ve die with memories and happiness. Death, that’s all I could think about. Pills. The lights were off, my hair in my face, the only solution was inside the bottle in my hand.