Monday.

Oscar came into the room looking guilty and told me to pack a bag because I was being evacuated. A tsunami of rage and fear drowned me, my mind fled from my body, I was left alone. Paralyzed. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move, a blanket of darkness suffocated me and all I could do was faint. Images flowed through my mind in fast forward. How could he be so selfish! My own brother, my own flesh and blood! Since mum and dad died he’s all I had left, he took me on when he was only 16 and when I was 5. And he was getting rid of me, sending me away to be alone! Just so he could run away to fight in this stupid war. No way, no way! Panic returned me to my body…

There is NO WAY I’m going to be sent to some STRANGERS HOME in the BACK OF BEYOND especially not BY YOU! I screamed at my brother, who was cradling my head in his lap, he looked pretty miserable and stared at the ground. Then he whispered yes, you are. Edward, who was also arched over me, looked from me to my brother like a rat caught in a trap, then he put his hand on my arm and softly said Don’t worry. Edward has been my first real relationship and I wasn’t ready to let him go, let alone my brother. And in those 10 minuets of my life I was thrown into the deep black water possessed by the sea and was struggling to win the battle up to the surface. I felt so small and weak. But I couldn’t go down without a fight. I screamed at Edward at the top of my lungs, I AM NOT WORRIED because there is NO WAY I’M GOING! And looking at his miserable face I wondered weather this fight way one worth pursuing.

Tuesday.

Oscar slid off for the night and I figured that was the end of it until Edward and I were awoke by some guy who claimed he was Left Tennant something or other and he was here to help. He was awfully apologetic in an awfully unapologetic way and the gist of it was I was out of here whether I liked it or not. He made it extremely clear that the army was not in any mood to wait for my brother to be shipped off to the front line because of some teenage female having a tantrum. So I jumped out of bed and packed a bag which included some books just in case I got stuck with a bunch of local hillbillies. By the time it was time for me to leave all I could do was stare at Edward and Oscar and try to keep from crying. Then Edward kissed me and said take Lilly, who was one of his two dogs, in a way that no one else in the room could hear and I said back I’ll find you and he nodded as if to say Likewise. I was overly scared and overwhelmed but I had to bottle it up, it must be hard for Oscar to let me go without me crying and making him feel 100 times worse.

The car journey to Paddington station was torture. Our chauffeur wasn’t exactly thrilled about me dragging a dog along, and no one in the car had anything to say, so the atmosphere was so low and dingy a funeral would have been peppier. Once we arrived at the train station my mind was sidetracked by the swarm of puffy red eyed, miserable kids and their parents tortured expressions. My heart was shredded into a million pieces and my eyes once again were misted by mysterious moisture. Oscar took me by the hand and gave me his bravest smile as he walked me towards my platform. He bent down to my level and hugged me tight, he whispered low and intense in my ear I love you and we will be together again by Christmas, and it will be the best Christmas of your life. Then I couldn’t hold it back. The emotion I had bottled up spilled into the shoulder of his smooth uniform and I was totally drained off feeling and 100% numb. I stepped away to look at my brother and brushed my tears away, still not having any feeling in my body. I had to be brave. I jumped onto my assigned coach and took a seat. I looked at a little brown label attached to my skirt and drops of the moisture in my eyes fell onto my label. As the train moved out of the station I couldn’t bring my eyes to look out of the window. I couldn’t look at my brother’s face again…

Wednesday.

I would give ANYTHING to be able to feel emotion again. The day I left my brother and the love of my life was the day I stopped all emotion passing through my now frozen heart.